bad news

Old 12-09-2007, 06:15 PM
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bad news

Daughter was put out of sober house today. SHe and another housemate supposedly went drinking last night. She called today to tell me, states she is staying w/sponsor for a few days, is not going to"loose her job or focus and not giving up". I have no idea what it true and what is not. I also know there is nothing I can do about any of it!

The hard part is all the old feelings have become overwhelming again. Things and thoughts I had put to rest are back. The hopelessness, helplessness, despair, anger and shame. The realiziation that this will never be "finished" and this is it, this is my daughter!! The realization that is is freezing cold and she is now classified as "homeless".

How can someone KNOW that if they drink or drug they will be on the street? The girl she went with had been there 11 months--I bet her parents have a few good things to say about my daughter. I had alot to say, but I didn't. I did ask her if she was proud of herself, I know I shouldn't but I did. Then I told her I couldn't talk and hung up.

After talking to a couple of people in my group, I called her back and told her I loved her, but I was very disappointed, hurt and angry, but never think I don't love her. She was at work, couldn't really talk. Funny thing--they went to a meeting first!!! Stupid, stupid choices. She never learns breaking rules has consequences.

I know it wasn't meant for me, but I feel like I have been slapped in the face w/ a two by four. The awful thing, it was one year TO THE DAY she met the druggie who beat her and took us to hell the last year. One year exactly! That's why it feels like a F--- You. I don't think she knows, she doesn't know dates like I do.

So, thought I should let everyone know!

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Old 12-09-2007, 06:41 PM
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I'm sorry, I know how disappointing this is and scary too. Acceptance is hard when it's our kids, but the sad truth is, that it is what it is and there is nothing we can do to change them.

I hope she doesn't give up and that she does what she needs to do to get back on a good path.

Sending hugs for you and prayers for both of you.

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Old 12-09-2007, 07:28 PM
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I pray she doesn't give up either, sweetie.
This is something that she is just gonna have to live with and
you are just gonna have to accept it and let go.
You can't let this get to you.
Applause for calling her back with an "I love you".
That said...

I love you. lol
Try to be good to you, nana. I care.
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Old 12-09-2007, 07:34 PM
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I am imagining your disappointment. Hopefully she will get back on the recovery horse. Sounds like you handled it well. She will figure it out. Will she be able to go back to the sober house?

Take care of yourself.

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Old 12-09-2007, 07:34 PM
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Oh damn, I'm sorry..... It's so easy to forget the bad stuff, and remember the good, It was so hard for me to remember the bad stuff. Glad she is with her sponsor that is a good thing. Many hugs to you both..

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Old 12-09-2007, 07:45 PM
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Susan, All I can say is that I am sorry that this happened. I know it hurts like h*ll. Prayers that she gets right back on the road to recovery. You know it could be a slip. She may just need to experiment a bit more. But whatever she does, she has quite a bit of recovery under her belt. She does not lose that. And neither do you. Hugs, Marle
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Old 12-09-2007, 07:59 PM
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Hopefully, she's learned alot of stuff while on her recovery road, and she'll hop right back on there.

Hugs to you...
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Old 12-09-2007, 09:16 PM
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Keep in mind that Kasey has learned a lot and she doesn't want her old life back. I think you have to trust that she make the decision to right her wrong. She didn't ask to come home......give her a chance to figure it out.

She may know the dates more than you think. Sometimes we don't give them credit because they are addicts. She may be thinking of her past with him also. Sometimes they dig up old dirt in their minds and it hurts. This doesn't mean she will go back to all of her old ways. She had a slip and she realizes it. She is paying the consequenses of it. She is not responsible for her friends relapse. Her friend is responsible for that. No one can make you do what you don't want to do. How do you know it wasn't her friend who encouraged her. In any event they are both at fault and responsible for their own behaviors.

I am glad that you called her back to tell her you loved her. Letting her know that making a mistake isn't going to take away from the relationship that you are rebuilding. Give her a chance.

I'm keeping you and Kasey in prayer and sending mom hugs.............Lo
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Old 12-09-2007, 09:19 PM
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Susan, I'm so sorry you are hurting...I imagine she is hurting too...It is so difficult to slip and then have to admit to it. That in itself seems positive to me.

I'm glad you called her back...and so glad you reached out to your support too. It's so easy for us to slip too but you picked yourself right back up and kept moving forward. Good for you!! I pray that she will be just like her mom and push ahead and learn from this life lesson. Hugs and prayers for you both.

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Old 12-09-2007, 10:31 PM
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get it, give it, grow in it
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I strive not to relapse when my son does. Easier said than done.
You thought she was on the path to recovery and then this incident. But this does not mean she is not still on the path to recovery. She is going to take the long road like most addicts do. Relapse is a symptom of the disease.
As she figures out her next move, she may bounce back quickly.
I hope you bounce back quickly tto, so that your happiness is not dependent on her sobriety.
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Old 12-10-2007, 12:48 AM
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We (addicts) don't think much about consequences right before a relapse. We think - "I just want that feeling again for right now." or we think, "I can do this tonight and then I can stop". We (mothers) think, "How can you be so stupid, so reckless, so uncaring?". Having been in both pairs of shoes, although I understand exactly the mindset of relapse, it still drives me crazy.

What's good is that she called you, confessed, and especially that she went to her sponsor (if she is, in fact, there). Putting the drug in her body again WILL set off her disease all over again, but a large part of her seems to regret the decision and she just might pull herself out of it before going all the way back down.
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Old 12-10-2007, 02:57 AM
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I'm so sorry this happened. But let me remind you that it took a week-long relapse for me to finally realize I didn't want that life anymore and I had a lot more clean time than Kasey.

I had to face a few consequences....lost lots of money, my job - but found another one in the same restaurant chain, but was fortunate that although I was stopped by police 6 times in that week and they knew I was on probation and it's a violation to be out of state (I was in TN), they never even wrote me a ticket.

Some will probably say I should have been locked up, and I understand that. But, I chose to be very grateful to HP that I was given another chance and I took full advantage of it. I don't know that I'll get another chance if I screw up, so I'm doing everything in my power to NOT screw up.

Don't be so sure Kasey isn't aware of the date. She may not know the exact date, but I'm sure she's aware that "this time last year, I was......" Even though I was high as a kite 24/7, I still was aware of dates that were important..I just didnt do anything about them.

The fact that she called you, to me, is a good sign. And if she's staying with her sponsor, she's doing exactly what she needs to.

I know this is so hard on you. But we RA's have to find our own path to recovery. When I relapsed, my dad was furious and hurt (and rightly so). But I told him that I had made a mistake...what he needed to look at was what I did AFTER that.....did I say f--- it and keep screwing up (no), did I lay around the house feeling sorry for myself or go out immediately to find another job (found a job).

It sounds like this is an experience she needed to learn from. If she's anything like me (and I think she is), she feels terrible about disappointing you AND she's feeling pretty crappy about what she did. Those feelings are what finally proved to me that it just wasn't worth it.....hoping it works for Kasey, too.

Hugs and prayers!


p.s. - I haven't gotten any e-mail from her yet, so will send her one, okay?
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Old 12-10-2007, 06:08 AM
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Hi Susan,
I just wanted to pop in to tell you that I will keep you and Kasey in my prayers. Everything was said above of what I thought too. Keep moving forward.
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Old 12-10-2007, 06:14 AM
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If you can pick yourself up and get back to your recovery, and you did, by calling her back with a more positive message, maybe she can, too. She fell back in the old ways, you joined her, but it was brief and it sounds like she owned up to her mistake.
It's just another lesson learned.
The hard way.
Sometimes it's the only way to learn.
You did great. It's progress not perfection....
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Old 12-10-2007, 06:40 AM
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It was kinda coming for a couple of days. She'd been working too much, and has to work all night on Friday. Her car broke on Saturday which sent her into a tail spin -wanna come home, sorry for all I've done, quack quack. Then after her dad told her how to fix the minor issue, she went to sleep, called back later after the meeting. Before they went to Walmart or wherever. She has been a little distnat since her friend Krisiti relapsed two weeks ago, I know that hurt her. She couldn't stand the sight, etc. but it had to hurt.

No word since 330 yesterday, hopefully she is resting and licking her wounds, ready to jump up and try again,

love to you all--you mean the world to me!!
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Old 12-10-2007, 06:41 AM
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she slipped, she got up, she went to her sponser, she admitted it to you, she didnt blame or rationalize...

Id say you have alot to be grateful for.

She is in early stages of recovery. This stuff happens. Its what she does ABOUT it that matters. Sounds like shes doing the right stuff.

Lower your expectations, and you wont react the way you are.

A day at a time.

If give anything to have my ex husband do what she is doing.
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Old 12-10-2007, 08:06 AM
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Originally Posted by caileesnana View Post

The hard part is all the old feelings have become overwhelming again. Things and thoughts I had put to rest are back. The hopelessness, helplessness, despair, anger and shame. The realiziation that this will never be "finished" and this is it, this is my daughter!! The realization that is is freezing cold and she is now classified as "homeless".

I know this feeling all too well, Please know that you're not alone and better days are ahead. I'm sorry that you have to feel these emotions but your good at staying within your boundaries and thats very important.

my prayers and thoughts are with you
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Old 12-10-2007, 10:32 AM
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I just wanted to let you know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and your daughter. I have no advice because I haven't come close to the accomplishments that both you and your daughter have always..i wish you both the best.
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Old 12-10-2007, 11:15 AM
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let it grow!
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susan, i'm sorry you're going through this. i sure do understand the dissapointment. hugs, k
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Old 12-10-2007, 12:12 PM
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Just wanted to add my two cents.....i can so relate. Sometimes things come flying out of my mouth towards my son that would raise the hair on mommy dearest's chest. I have had to go back and explain, apologize, etc. It's good for our addicts to see us go through this. They know we love them enough to come back. Hang in there suze.
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