It Ain't Hallmark But Oughta Be Xmas Cards and Letters
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
OK I am working on my Christmas letter, Christmas Carol and I need some help.
So far:
On the first Day of Christmas, my A gave to me a jar where he had to go pee.
On the second Day of Christmas, my A gave to me two pawn tickets
and a jar where he had to go pee.
On the third Day of Christmas, my A gave to me three lame excuses,
two pawn tickets and a jar where he had to go pee.
On the fourth Day of Christmas, my A gave to me four DUI's,
three lame excuses, two pawn tickets and a jar where he had to go pee.
On the fifth Day of Christmas, my A gave to me five quack Quack QUACKs !!
four DUI's, three lame excuses, two pawn tickets and a jar where he had to go pee.
On the sixth Day of Christmas, my A gave to me six promises...
Five Quack quack QUACKs !!
four DUI's, three lame excuses,two pawn tickets and a jar where he had to go pee!
OK your turn.
So far:
On the first Day of Christmas, my A gave to me a jar where he had to go pee.
On the second Day of Christmas, my A gave to me two pawn tickets
and a jar where he had to go pee.
On the third Day of Christmas, my A gave to me three lame excuses,
two pawn tickets and a jar where he had to go pee.
On the fourth Day of Christmas, my A gave to me four DUI's,
three lame excuses, two pawn tickets and a jar where he had to go pee.
On the fifth Day of Christmas, my A gave to me five quack Quack QUACKs !!
four DUI's, three lame excuses, two pawn tickets and a jar where he had to go pee.
On the sixth Day of Christmas, my A gave to me six promises...
Five Quack quack QUACKs !!
four DUI's, three lame excuses,two pawn tickets and a jar where he had to go pee!
OK your turn.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Nearby
Posts: 231
Dear Extended Family,
I guess I must have neglected to send you a change of address when we moved last year, otherwise I’m sure you would have acknowledged the children’s gifts we sent for the little darlings’ birthdays, graduations, weddings, kindergarten promotions and potty training success.
I know if you had our mailing address you would have sent thank you notes, because your manners are always impeccable. Just look at the way you’ve given hubby and me our space this past year. So many people would have insisted on visiting once we moved back to their side of the continent after years away. Not you!! You haven’t even disturbed us with a phone call, much less a visit. You really are too thoughtful to believe!
Our youngest son is doing fine at the University. Of course with the new privacy laws we aren’t actually allowed to see his grades. But the University writes frequently to ask for more funds, so we’re sure everything’s just fine. In fact they’ve even hinted that they’d like him to remain in their undergraduate program an extra year or two. He’s that good!!
He’s also been working on a little cottage industry. He’s just been such a blessing to his less gifted classmates. But wouldn’t you know it, there’s always someone who is jealous of another’s hard work and creativity. These jealous folks have built something called copyriteviolation.com and they’re taking away our son’s customers in droves. It’s a sin and a shame!!
But don’t worry about my Boy! He’s already told me, “I’m not worried Mom, I’ve got a line on something else or maybe he just said, “I‘ve got a line.”
Aunt Silly wanted me to say, “hello” for her. She’s so grateful that she didn’t have to burden any of you with helping to get her into the rest home. Wasn’t it lucky that we were here and stopped by to visit find her eating cat food and sleeping on a bed made of 1999 newspapers? It was so much easier for people who’ve been away for nearly a decade to deal with Social Services than it would have been for those of you who have lived just down the street all your life.
Aunt Silly wanted to divide up her trust fund with you!! LOL Did you like my little joke where I sent it addressed to:
Final Expenses Due from the Family of Aunt Silly?
Haha And my husband said you wouldn’t “get it.” But wait, I mailed those checks months ago and they still haven’t cleared. Maybe they got lost in the mail. Oh no, I did use old stamps. You did pay the extra $.03 postage due, to get the checks didn’t you?
Wishing you everything you deserve,
I guess I must have neglected to send you a change of address when we moved last year, otherwise I’m sure you would have acknowledged the children’s gifts we sent for the little darlings’ birthdays, graduations, weddings, kindergarten promotions and potty training success.
I know if you had our mailing address you would have sent thank you notes, because your manners are always impeccable. Just look at the way you’ve given hubby and me our space this past year. So many people would have insisted on visiting once we moved back to their side of the continent after years away. Not you!! You haven’t even disturbed us with a phone call, much less a visit. You really are too thoughtful to believe!
Our youngest son is doing fine at the University. Of course with the new privacy laws we aren’t actually allowed to see his grades. But the University writes frequently to ask for more funds, so we’re sure everything’s just fine. In fact they’ve even hinted that they’d like him to remain in their undergraduate program an extra year or two. He’s that good!!
He’s also been working on a little cottage industry. He’s just been such a blessing to his less gifted classmates. But wouldn’t you know it, there’s always someone who is jealous of another’s hard work and creativity. These jealous folks have built something called copyriteviolation.com and they’re taking away our son’s customers in droves. It’s a sin and a shame!!
But don’t worry about my Boy! He’s already told me, “I’m not worried Mom, I’ve got a line on something else or maybe he just said, “I‘ve got a line.”
Aunt Silly wanted me to say, “hello” for her. She’s so grateful that she didn’t have to burden any of you with helping to get her into the rest home. Wasn’t it lucky that we were here and stopped by to visit find her eating cat food and sleeping on a bed made of 1999 newspapers? It was so much easier for people who’ve been away for nearly a decade to deal with Social Services than it would have been for those of you who have lived just down the street all your life.
Aunt Silly wanted to divide up her trust fund with you!! LOL Did you like my little joke where I sent it addressed to:
Final Expenses Due from the Family of Aunt Silly?
Haha And my husband said you wouldn’t “get it.” But wait, I mailed those checks months ago and they still haven’t cleared. Maybe they got lost in the mail. Oh no, I did use old stamps. You did pay the extra $.03 postage due, to get the checks didn’t you?
Wishing you everything you deserve,
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: la la land
Posts: 23
Dear family and Friends,well it's that time of year again hoping you and yours had a great one too.Our family is much better now that our DD has left our home ,moved to another state to find herself,and as she put it, is now happier than shes ever been.We are a little concerned about her memory,seems she left one child with us and one in another state,oops guess she'll find them after she finds herself.She went right to work,I'm thinking she may be in the lending business,she's quiet a little dealer,she traded a 2007 suv that she still owes her dad 16000 on, for a 2000 sportcar that she immediately took the title to a loan officer,for a loan.That college education we paid for is really paying off for her.Things havent been all rosey for her though,poor thing when she flew here to see her parole officer,her wallet was stolen at the airport(4th time in 2 yrs.)and we had to pay her airline ticket back,or she would have to just stay with us.I'm so lucky I've never once had my wallet stolen in my lifetime.Dear Hubby turned 66 this year and has decided he may have retired too early,he never dreamed he was going to raise a 16yr.old at this stage of his life.This little addition is much loved and welcome and DH has dusted off his resume,and is applying for jobs.93yr.old grandma who lives with us slipped and fell tonight gave us the scare of our lives but seems to be fine,may get Dr. to look her over tomorrow to be safe.Our 16 yr.old got out of hospital 2 days ago and will have to go back in in a week.Thankgoodness DD wont have to worry DH has carried insurance on him for 2 yrs now,so she can rest easy.We are all excited with the holidays here,decorated my tree few days ago and realized every single ornament was made by our DD,every time I pass by that tree I certainly have thoughts of her.Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Hackettstown, NJ
Posts: 692
SILENT NIGHT
Silent Night, Holy Night,
All is calm; no addict in sight.
'round yon corner, no sign of my child,
Police reports have already been filed,
she's locked up and her bail won't decrease...
so I'll sleep in heavenly pe-eace,
I'll sleep in heavenly peace.
Silent Night, Holy Night,
All is calm; no addict in sight.
'round yon corner, no sign of my child,
Police reports have already been filed,
she's locked up and her bail won't decrease...
so I'll sleep in heavenly pe-eace,
I'll sleep in heavenly peace.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Hackettstown, NJ
Posts: 692
( To the tune of Jingle Bells )
Hide the checks! Hide the Cards!
Put your cash away.
Oh what fun it is to live
when an addict comes to stay.
Stash the jewels, hide the forks!
Protect us Lord, we pray,
Oh what fun it is to live
when an addict comes to stay.
Looking through the house,
locks changed on every door,
You can't find a single thing
of value anymore!
Ohhhhh
Hide the checks, hide the cards,
Put your cash away!!
Oh what fun it is to live
when addict comes to stay!
Hide the checks! Hide the Cards!
Put your cash away.
Oh what fun it is to live
when an addict comes to stay.
Stash the jewels, hide the forks!
Protect us Lord, we pray,
Oh what fun it is to live
when an addict comes to stay.
Looking through the house,
locks changed on every door,
You can't find a single thing
of value anymore!
Ohhhhh
Hide the checks, hide the cards,
Put your cash away!!
Oh what fun it is to live
when addict comes to stay!
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
Someone sent me an e-mail of a newspaper story that was supposed to be true, I laughed my butt off. Here is what I remember of it.
The fastest cop in town.
It is normal practice in areas of heavy snow and ice for the police to check up on any stranded vehicles or parked cars on the side of the road, they make it a priority during heavy snow and ice
Officer so and so, spotted a vehicle pulled off the side of the road, it was appearently stuck in a 3 foot snow bank.
When the officer approached the vehicle, he saw an older gentelman passed out on the front seat with an empty vodka bottle next to him, his car was still running. The officer tapped on the window and startled the man awake.
When the man saw the flashing blue lights in his rear view mirror, he panicked, and shifted his car into gear and stomped on the gas. The spedometer read 10mph, 20mph, 30mph, 40, 50 and finelly 60mph!
The cop, having a very good sense of humor, started running in place beside the drivers window yelling pull it over. The driver hung his head, turned the wheel to the right, put it in park, and gave up.
He just couldn't get away from the fastest cop in town.
The fastest cop in town.
It is normal practice in areas of heavy snow and ice for the police to check up on any stranded vehicles or parked cars on the side of the road, they make it a priority during heavy snow and ice
Officer so and so, spotted a vehicle pulled off the side of the road, it was appearently stuck in a 3 foot snow bank.
When the officer approached the vehicle, he saw an older gentelman passed out on the front seat with an empty vodka bottle next to him, his car was still running. The officer tapped on the window and startled the man awake.
When the man saw the flashing blue lights in his rear view mirror, he panicked, and shifted his car into gear and stomped on the gas. The spedometer read 10mph, 20mph, 30mph, 40, 50 and finelly 60mph!
The cop, having a very good sense of humor, started running in place beside the drivers window yelling pull it over. The driver hung his head, turned the wheel to the right, put it in park, and gave up.
He just couldn't get away from the fastest cop in town.
remember to breathe
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 1,280
(sing to I saw mommy kissing santa claus)
i saw my addict steal my pocket book
under neath my bed so fluffy white
i didn't see him sneak
up the stairs to have a peek
to see if I was in bed on my money fast asleep
i saw my addict steal my pocket book
under neath my bed so fluffy white
i didn't see him sneak
up the stairs to have a peek
to see if I was in bed on my money fast asleep
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Oh you guys are cracking me up.
Let's see, I gotta have a Codie Carol in there somewhere...
Okay
Dashing through the snow,
In a one-horse open sleigh
I can't find my car
So it's the only way
Thought I hid my keys
Somewhere out of sight
Who knew that I would need a horse
To get me home tonight...
Ohhhhh, Jingle Bells, Horsie Smells
Give the nag some hay
My car's been pawned, yessir it's gone
Neigh, neigh, neigh, neigh, neigh, neigh.
Let's see, I gotta have a Codie Carol in there somewhere...
Okay
Dashing through the snow,
In a one-horse open sleigh
I can't find my car
So it's the only way
Thought I hid my keys
Somewhere out of sight
Who knew that I would need a horse
To get me home tonight...
Ohhhhh, Jingle Bells, Horsie Smells
Give the nag some hay
My car's been pawned, yessir it's gone
Neigh, neigh, neigh, neigh, neigh, neigh.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Dear family,
I have just learned a whole new set of Christmas carols and am practicing singing them to hubby. They are sort of like reality tv and at first he worried that someone was prying into his business. There are also Christmas cartoons that make me giggle silly. Honey said that this computer was worth a million bucks to me.
Isn't he clever to have such investments and assets..and here I was worried about money because we both chose not to work this year and go to mental resorts. They were quite expensive, but included all meals.
This year pot pies are 44 cents and Banquet dinners are 77 cents, please include which you would prefer served to you with your RSVP.
Please arrange to have your flights and limos so that we can celebrate our family meal and gathering at about 1 pm. I am so glad you accept our modest lifestyle! We have even gone green and are drying the clothes on solar power.
The egg breakfast will be organic too because we have a chicken coop.
As you have never visited us before, we look forward to seeing you. We hope it can be fit into your demanding schedules. It is comforting that you only talk about and believe in positive things so we won't have to discuss our stepson.
Happy holidays!
MR & MRS
I have just learned a whole new set of Christmas carols and am practicing singing them to hubby. They are sort of like reality tv and at first he worried that someone was prying into his business. There are also Christmas cartoons that make me giggle silly. Honey said that this computer was worth a million bucks to me.
Isn't he clever to have such investments and assets..and here I was worried about money because we both chose not to work this year and go to mental resorts. They were quite expensive, but included all meals.
This year pot pies are 44 cents and Banquet dinners are 77 cents, please include which you would prefer served to you with your RSVP.
Please arrange to have your flights and limos so that we can celebrate our family meal and gathering at about 1 pm. I am so glad you accept our modest lifestyle! We have even gone green and are drying the clothes on solar power.
The egg breakfast will be organic too because we have a chicken coop.
As you have never visited us before, we look forward to seeing you. We hope it can be fit into your demanding schedules. It is comforting that you only talk about and believe in positive things so we won't have to discuss our stepson.
Happy holidays!
MR & MRS
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: here and now
Posts: 1,291
hahah.. i love this thread....when my family would get these brag letters from people...this is exactly what we would do...make up our own imaginary letters...this is great!!!
at the moment I'm not feeling clever enough to contribute...but i love the cleverness of y'all!
i'm gonna print these off and read some of them to my parents when I go home for X-mas...they'll love it!
at the moment I'm not feeling clever enough to contribute...but i love the cleverness of y'all!
i'm gonna print these off and read some of them to my parents when I go home for X-mas...they'll love it!
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
I thought this was cute,
The Night Before Xmas, Tony Soprano style:
Twas the night before Christmas, da whole house was mella,
Not a creature was stirrin', cuz I had a gun unda da pilla.
When up on da roof I heard somethin' pound,
I sprung to da window, to scream, "YO! Keep it down!"
When what to my wanderin' eyes should appear,
But da Don of all elfs, and eight friggin' reindeer!
Wit' slicked back black hair, and a silk red suit,
Don Christopher wuz here, and he brought all da loot!
Wit' a slap to dare snouts, and a yank on dare manes,
He cursed and he shouted, and he called dem by name.
"Yo Tony, Yo Frankie, Yo Vinny, Yo Vito,
Ay Joey, Ay Paulie, Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!"
As I drew out my gun and hid by da bed,
He flew troo da winda and slapped me 'side da head.
"What da hell you doin' pullin' a gun on da Don?
Now all you're gettin' is coal, you friggin' moron!"
Den pointin' a fat finga right unda my nose,
He twisted his pinky ring, and up da chimney he rose.
He sprang to his sleigh, obscenities screamin',
Away dey all flew, before he troo dem a beatin'.
Den I heard him yell out, what I did least expect,
"Merry Friggin' Christmas to all,
And yous better show some respect!"
The Night Before Xmas, Tony Soprano style:
Twas the night before Christmas, da whole house was mella,
Not a creature was stirrin', cuz I had a gun unda da pilla.
When up on da roof I heard somethin' pound,
I sprung to da window, to scream, "YO! Keep it down!"
When what to my wanderin' eyes should appear,
But da Don of all elfs, and eight friggin' reindeer!
Wit' slicked back black hair, and a silk red suit,
Don Christopher wuz here, and he brought all da loot!
Wit' a slap to dare snouts, and a yank on dare manes,
He cursed and he shouted, and he called dem by name.
"Yo Tony, Yo Frankie, Yo Vinny, Yo Vito,
Ay Joey, Ay Paulie, Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!"
As I drew out my gun and hid by da bed,
He flew troo da winda and slapped me 'side da head.
"What da hell you doin' pullin' a gun on da Don?
Now all you're gettin' is coal, you friggin' moron!"
Den pointin' a fat finga right unda my nose,
He twisted his pinky ring, and up da chimney he rose.
He sprang to his sleigh, obscenities screamin',
Away dey all flew, before he troo dem a beatin'.
Den I heard him yell out, what I did least expect,
"Merry Friggin' Christmas to all,
And yous better show some respect!"
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