drainedwife

my ah has decided in no uncertain terms, that he wants a divorce..he has decided that I am incapable of loving him and that I am the abuser...and he needs to stay away from me....
he agrees to go to mediation and be fair, after the holidays. So, i will try mediation, and if he is fair, then ok..but if not, than i will go to a lawyer..i just need to be really strong and get what i deserve....i need to be able to stick up for myself and demand a good settlement.
He also wants me to go away to see my mom after christmas so that he can spend some time alone with the kids before he leaves...that AINT HAPPENING!! i am not leaving them now...no way...
I guess this is easier now that he wants the divorce, but for me, it is so sad. Fifteen years of marriage, 20 years together....i just want to cry. I am heeartbroken and my heart breaks for my kids, even though i know they are better off..and so am i..it still doesnt make it any easier....i hope I can get through this somehow..i feel very lost and alone...

doneforsure

drained, I don't think I've met you, but I've read many of your posts. My prayers are with you and your children, that you find the strength and the courage to get through this. You have every right and many reasons to be heartbroken for yourself and for your children, you have every right to be angry about it, and every right to stand up and fight for fairness, for yourself and for your children, because both you and your children deserve that, you and your children have every right to and deserve peace, stability, and happiness. You're not alone. So many people here have given such kind caring words and great advice if we ask, and you will never be alone because you aren't.

liesagain

Drained I am sorry you are hurting and your going thru this, you really arent alone we're here anytime you need .........come here talk it out cry it out whatever you need to do.

I'm sorry your sad, but honestly addicts do alot of talking about things they dont really mean...........you continue to threaten his ability to continue to use in peace.........so now YOUR the problem. My thought is this wont last long he will more than likely go back and forth.
Try to stay strong, Its my opinion that if he sees that this makes you sad or hurts you.....then he will KNOW that hes got you and that you will hang on no matter what he does, he'll conceed and offer to "stay" with you but you'll be forced to continue to tolerate his garbage

stay strong dont let him know it hurts and he will either choose to work on himself and stay or he will go but anything else just isnt fair to you or your children

Also .....mediation............you do know hes an active addict right? and hes going to be wanting time alone with your children he will not settle for anything less I would bet...........so it may be advisable for you to go ahead and continue with the testing and start documenting everything you can aout the drug use so you can protect your children ............
his addiction is bound to get worse before it gets better and without you there to watch over your kids................well they shouldnt be left alone with an active addict..........

((((((((((((((((((drained)))))))))))))))) you are in my thoughts

cinderellawkids

This is part of the games, he's waiting to see if youll beg him to stay, he'll switch to sweet and if that doesnt work, then mean.

Do NOT go away without the kids, I dont even think Id go away with the kids...He's up to something with that one, trust me on that

drainedwife

i really dont think hes going to see if i beg him to stay...maybe, but that is not going to happen..i really think he has alot of anger towards me and he does feel that i dont love him and doesnt want to be with someone what doesnt love him. No, he really wants out...i dont believe that part is a game.
and no, i am not going anywhere without my kids...no how, no way.

guineapigjude

((((((Drained)))))) It's always darkest before the dawn ... please try and look at this as an opportunity to move forward. It's very hard when you've been with your A for so long ... I was with mine 20 years, married for 17. I still have a hard time admitting to myself just how destructive his addictions made him ~ I hid them, covered them, and was in denial about them for so long, that it'll take a long time before I can really swallow how abnormal my "relationship" with him was. But little by little it becomes clear, and we learn to let go of the fantasy that kept us hanging in there in the first place.
Be good to yourself you ARE worth it. You did your best. You're a great mom and a worthwhile human being. You have a lot of us here at SR praying and pulling for you, and I'm sure you do in your life as well.
Take Care!

duet_4-8

You need a lawyer with you when you go for mediation. I went to 'mediation' with my A last Friday. What a joke! I am going to court where a sane judge is calling the shots. Trying to reason with and be fair to an insane man is..... well....INSANE!

I seriously doubt your AH has the same idea as you do as to what is fair. Don't trust him for a second. He is playing games with you, I guarantee it!

BigSis

(((DW))) Anvilhead is doing a good job - she keeps pointing back to where your REAL power lies....with you.


What do YOU want?
How will YOUR life look?
What are YOU doing now?
What will YOU do later?


None of what you do, like, want, or have really "depends" on him at all. It is all about you taking action...you making moves... you deciding.


Please know you and your children remain in my prayers. (((hugs)))

Babs

Such a hard move to make after so many years....I was with mine 34 years! And now he is the oldest man in rehab.....he was the oldest man in rehab 7 years ago when he went.

After you have moved on you will probably ask yourself, "what took me so long?!" It gets lonely sometimes after a divorce, but no more lonely than when they were sitting right next to you all zonked out.

And from this day forward, document EVERYTHING. I started a little journal. I think it is the one exception to the "don't-take-their-inventory" rule. Write down every time he spends money on drugs, every time he comes home high, every time he doesn't come home. If he has drugs or paraphernalia around the house, take pictures. I had a whole album of meth pipe pictures, pounds of pot pictures, hypodermic pictures. He didn't have a leg to stand on in court! I didn't have to bad-mouth him....he took care of it himself by leaving s**t around where I could photograph it. Done deal.

Good luck,
Babs

Truffles

That sounds just like my RAH use to sound. One minute he would want a divorce, the next I was the best thing ever and he just wanted his family together.

He will still throw that divorce word at me when he gets mad.

They don't know what they want, or they want it all.

Like everyone said, what do you want!