And now comes the guilt trip...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: NZ
Posts: 32
And now comes the guilt trip...
Day 3 ofter telling my A I don't want any contact until he's back in rehab.
The last two days the messages have just been tricks to try and get me to speak to or see him... this evening he added the guilt trip... nowhere to stay.
This is my hard one. This is the one that makes me want to curl in a ball and cry. It's taking a lot to focus on what I need to do for me right now.
He said (text, I haven't spoken to him, I'm keeping up my end of the no contact rules!) that he got asked to leave the boss's place as the daughter wasn't happy with a stranger camping on the front lawn (fair enough.. maybe she's intuitive!), then that he got turned away from the flat where he used to have a guarenteed bed (old company he worked for where flat accomm was part of the package).
There was a sarcastic tone as he asked me what local parks he could camp in (I work in tourist information), and that it would have to be somewhere close as he only has his push bike for transport.
I'm worried he's going to turn up on my doorstep. I'm worried he really doesn't have anywhere to sleep... though I guess I shouldn't be, I know deep down there's someone he could stay with (better not go grovelling to his f*** crack ***** ex!).
Maybe this will make him hit bottom. Oh god I hope so. I'm feeling miserable for him right now :0(
The ironic think is, earlier I was anticipating a text, and there still hadn't been one, and the feelings of missing him started to creep in and I almost wished he would text or call so I knew he was thinking of me!! How messed up is that?!!
Feeling torn in my feelings. Yesterday I noted how even thoguh this week has been a tornado of crazy events, there has been soem good news, and that I got sent a job vacancy for a job I'm really intersted in. Well this arvo I got a call and am going for an interview tommorrow morning :0)
Feeling guilty for focusing on myself and my happiness.
Going to try my best to get to a meeting tommorrow.
Thank you for being here and reading.
The last two days the messages have just been tricks to try and get me to speak to or see him... this evening he added the guilt trip... nowhere to stay.
This is my hard one. This is the one that makes me want to curl in a ball and cry. It's taking a lot to focus on what I need to do for me right now.
He said (text, I haven't spoken to him, I'm keeping up my end of the no contact rules!) that he got asked to leave the boss's place as the daughter wasn't happy with a stranger camping on the front lawn (fair enough.. maybe she's intuitive!), then that he got turned away from the flat where he used to have a guarenteed bed (old company he worked for where flat accomm was part of the package).
There was a sarcastic tone as he asked me what local parks he could camp in (I work in tourist information), and that it would have to be somewhere close as he only has his push bike for transport.
I'm worried he's going to turn up on my doorstep. I'm worried he really doesn't have anywhere to sleep... though I guess I shouldn't be, I know deep down there's someone he could stay with (better not go grovelling to his f*** crack ***** ex!).
Maybe this will make him hit bottom. Oh god I hope so. I'm feeling miserable for him right now :0(
The ironic think is, earlier I was anticipating a text, and there still hadn't been one, and the feelings of missing him started to creep in and I almost wished he would text or call so I knew he was thinking of me!! How messed up is that?!!
Feeling torn in my feelings. Yesterday I noted how even thoguh this week has been a tornado of crazy events, there has been soem good news, and that I got sent a job vacancy for a job I'm really intersted in. Well this arvo I got a call and am going for an interview tommorrow morning :0)
Feeling guilty for focusing on myself and my happiness.
Going to try my best to get to a meeting tommorrow.
Thank you for being here and reading.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Tabitha, something I find myself saying often here is that "WE" are not their only option. "WE" are not the one to save them, only they can save themselves when they are ready.
For phone calls like this, it's good to have a list of detoxes and rehabs ready...those are the better choices and if they are not willing to go there then at least they had a choice. Taking in an addict who is active in their addiction just brings the hell and chaos into our homes and gives us a front row seat, it solves nothing.
My heart and my prayers go out to you. I remember my son sleeping in the park at the end of my street once (this in a city of about 3,000 parks).
Hugs
For phone calls like this, it's good to have a list of detoxes and rehabs ready...those are the better choices and if they are not willing to go there then at least they had a choice. Taking in an addict who is active in their addiction just brings the hell and chaos into our homes and gives us a front row seat, it solves nothing.
My heart and my prayers go out to you. I remember my son sleeping in the park at the end of my street once (this in a city of about 3,000 parks).
Hugs
Get Caught Reading
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
(((((((Tabbycat)))))))
Don't you dare feel guilty that you are focusing on yourself.
You deserve some happiness. Especially right now.
Fingers crossed that you get that job, btw.
It's sad thinking about them not having a place to sleep.
I remember picking my son up after he called and told me he was
sick and done with the dope. He was staying in the basement of an apartment
building. The girl he'd been "using" kicked him out for ripping her off. So, he
moved downstairs. It broke my heart to see where he was staying. My God.
He'd opened up peoples bags and boxed they were storing down there, just
to keep warm.
Imagine, having to see your own child like that.
I told him that I couldn't take him back to my house
and that I would drive him to the hospital if he would agree to go in with me.
I would have loved to take him home, make him shower, feed him, and take away
all of his pain and suffering, but then I would be right back where we'd started.
He'd feel better, leave, and get back on the H. I'm not talkin' horse here, either.
My son was injecting heroin. He hasn't used H in over 2 years.
He continues to smoke pot and is seeing a counselor and psychiatrist for bi-polar disorder.
I have no idea what my son's future will be like. I pray daily that with time and
muturity, (especially now that he's seeing an older woman, lol)that his future will
be one of sobriety, peace, recovery, and happiness.
If not, I know that I did all I could to ensure my own recovery.
Recovery from codependency. You can do this, too.
You have to be strong for the both of you right now. Stay strong, sweetie.
Don't you dare feel guilty that you are focusing on yourself.
You deserve some happiness. Especially right now.
Fingers crossed that you get that job, btw.
It's sad thinking about them not having a place to sleep.
I remember picking my son up after he called and told me he was
sick and done with the dope. He was staying in the basement of an apartment
building. The girl he'd been "using" kicked him out for ripping her off. So, he
moved downstairs. It broke my heart to see where he was staying. My God.
He'd opened up peoples bags and boxed they were storing down there, just
to keep warm.
Imagine, having to see your own child like that.
I told him that I couldn't take him back to my house
and that I would drive him to the hospital if he would agree to go in with me.
I would have loved to take him home, make him shower, feed him, and take away
all of his pain and suffering, but then I would be right back where we'd started.
He'd feel better, leave, and get back on the H. I'm not talkin' horse here, either.
My son was injecting heroin. He hasn't used H in over 2 years.
He continues to smoke pot and is seeing a counselor and psychiatrist for bi-polar disorder.
I have no idea what my son's future will be like. I pray daily that with time and
muturity, (especially now that he's seeing an older woman, lol)that his future will
be one of sobriety, peace, recovery, and happiness.
If not, I know that I did all I could to ensure my own recovery.
Recovery from codependency. You can do this, too.
You have to be strong for the both of you right now. Stay strong, sweetie.
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
Posts: 875
If your feeling guilty then you most likely can be guaranteed that you are doing what is in YOUR best interest. We gotta walk through the pain and guilt to get to the other side ..
As codependents we aren't use to taking care of ourselves and if we've ever tried or if we do start to it is uncomfortable and we end up feeling guilty ... There are no short cuts or no way over or around it ... Gotta walk through the fire to get to the other side
Keep on keepin' on .. each step you take you are on step closer to your healing
****{Hugs}}}
Passion
As for him texting you and
As codependents we aren't use to taking care of ourselves and if we've ever tried or if we do start to it is uncomfortable and we end up feeling guilty ... There are no short cuts or no way over or around it ... Gotta walk through the fire to get to the other side
Keep on keepin' on .. each step you take you are on step closer to your healing
****{Hugs}}}
Passion
As for him texting you and
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: tn
Posts: 663
I used to think I was being selfish if I did something for myself. But you know what, the more I practice acts of kindness torward myself, the easier it gets. Actually, it's pretty cool. I don't feel guilty much anymore because I have learned (as Book told ya) that I deserve to be happy.
Stay strong. Good luck with the interview tomorrow!
Stay strong. Good luck with the interview tomorrow!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 1
I mentioned before that I was struggling with the guilt of putting my AB out knowing full well he had nowhere to go. But I did it out of love not only for myself and my sanity—but love for him. I knew that he wouldn't understand the full consequence of his actions and crappy "decision" making until he was extremely uncomfortable. He's starting to get it now...He's an adult and finding shelter is a basic human instinct. Tabitha, your A will find SOMEWHERE. Let him be responsible for this one thing...and try not to feel guilty. I realized that whether my A decided to just give up and live on the street and become a full-fledged victim/addict or seek help and start repairing the damage he's caused that was his choice to make…not mine. I have no control over it. He had a warm bed to sleep in and blew it. He realizes this now...good news is that he does have a place to stay for the time being and his friend's roommate is also in recovery and asked him to go to an NA meeting with him last night (it's odd how things unfold when when you don't try and control everything right?) He got a sponsor and his first chip. When I talked to him today he had so much excitement and hope in his voice (honeymoon stage yes but still good to hear). He said he was actually looking forward to going again tonight. I pray he sticks with it.
It's just too early to even think about the future. I'm just trying to love and support him from a safe distance for now.
Your A WILL find somewhere...it just might not be as nice and lovely as the home he had with you. It will give him lots of time to hopefully appreciate all you've done and how he can make it right won't it? Take care and fingers crossed your interview goes well. Big hug.
It's just too early to even think about the future. I'm just trying to love and support him from a safe distance for now.
Your A WILL find somewhere...it just might not be as nice and lovely as the home he had with you. It will give him lots of time to hopefully appreciate all you've done and how he can make it right won't it? Take care and fingers crossed your interview goes well. Big hug.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Okanagan BC
Posts: 328
I appreciate the posts today about oour A's having no where to go. I am struggling with that one too right now. He had a warm comfy couch in our living room, but he keeps blowing it. He does seem to find somewhere to go allnight when it suits him. God, this is so hard, to hear them cry, hear the pain in their voice, the look in thier eyes. All these posts today are so helpful!! I have no words of wisdom to share, just thankful to read here today!
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