Nikki2003

Today has been a really tough day.

Let me start at teh beginning. We are trying to get onto government assistance since I can't work and neither is my AH. So we had one meeting with teh government person last week and I had to get a doctors note for this week. So today we had the visit with our doctor. I was diagnosed years ago as being bipolar. It is just one of my psych issues(others are agraphobia, Post Tramatic Stress Disorder, from when I was raped at 14. And Panic Disorder, ). Well with all this stress that I have been dealing with and post partum depression and so on I am going through a major low right now. One of the problems I am dealing with is suicidal and worthless thoughts. So our doctor has put me on some strong medication to try and get my head back together. He will be putting me on a mood stabalizer next week also. But because of the meds I can no long breast feed so my baby has to go onto formula. This is the effect that my AH actions and treatment of me and this family is having on me. And he has known. I have been having these thoughts for several weeks. I even begged him to bring me to the hospital a couple of weeks ago and he refused. Now the doctor knows so they are helping me and hopefully it will help me cope.

The doctor also signed forms saying I am not to work and he plans to fill out forms to put me on permant disability. He said with my psych issues I should have been on it a long time ago. this will pay for my meds and even if AH is working it means I will bring in a check too. So no matter what I will have an income, though small, that will help me to make sure that I can care for the kids when things like this happen. I will no longer feel desperate about losing everything. So that is good.

Also our doctor thinks that AH might also be Bipolar among other issues as well. After he is done at the treatment facility he plans to get AH an appointment with a psychotherapist to see him and diagnose him. If this is the case it will be a huge help to know this because it can be treated with meds and so on.

But here is the crazy part of teh day. when we got home after a drive, our good friend who is a doctor came over to let me know some disappointing news and confront AH. His parents who are ranchers and who had been a huge help to us let there son know that AH had been at their ranch stealing gas Saturday morning. $160 dollars worth. This is after he got convicted on Tuesday of last week of assualting me 2 weeks before hand and had given probation. He then breaks the law and steals gas from good friends. Our doctor friend wasn't mad just disappointed. He was teareyed and even apologized to me for having to come to teh house to tlak to us about it. I felt so bad.

I got AH to call the couple he stole form to apologize and he did. And he cried as he did. I know he is sorry now that he is caught but the sad thing is he is an adult and being sorry for commiting a criminal act is not enough anymore. He might have to learn that the hard way at some point. I talked to the wife and apologized and let her know I would pay it back when the money comes in next week hopefully. She felt bad for me and told me not to worry about it. But I can not let this just slide by. They should not have to be out that gas or the money for it because they feel badly for me and my situation. That is not their problem. It is mine. So I mad eit clear I will take responsibility and pay it back. She let me know she didn't blame me at all and that she wanted to call the cops(I think she should have because I am no longer sure that anything but going to jail is going to get it through AH head that he is an adult and responsible for his actions) but her husband didn't want to because he was worried about me and teh kids. She said AH is a big boy and should be responsible. I asked her if there was any work AH could do(even though we are still paying back the money) to atone for what he did. She let me know he is not allowed on the property but if her husband has any work off the property that they think AH can do to atone for what he has done that she will tlak to her husband and then let me know.

I have never met this couple. But she was the nicest lady to talk to and they had helped us out so much with giving AH paying work when he needed it. Sadly this was the second time he had stolen gas(I had no idea there was even a first time). The first time they talked to him and let him know if he needed gas that bad that all he had to do was ask. Talk about generous. And still even with that offer there he had to steal. I don't understand it. Not at all.

After I was done on the phone I tried to talk to AH but he started being rude and yelling so I made him leave to cool off. He says he knows what he did was wrong and just wants to drop it. I don't get how he can think people can just ignore this. He said he would be back later tonight and that he was going over to the doctors house to apologize to to him. While he was here and confronting AH, AH never said anything and wouldn't even apologize. Our friend just called me a little while ago to let me know Ah had been there and he did apologize and they had a good talk. He is still friends with AH which I am so thankful for because he is a good man and hopefully can be a good influence.

And the crazy part is he didn't steal the gas for drugs or anything, he had a pee test yesterday and it was clean. He stole the gas to go hunting with. So needless to say AH's dad will not let Ah hunt at all this season and his hunting buddies are being told the same thing and they will agree too.

I am at a loss as to what to do. I love AH. Truely I do. But what is it going to take for him to grow up? I just don't know how much more I am expected to handle. Or even that I can handle much more. I am trying. Truely I am. But I feel like AH is on a mission to completely destroy himself and I am lost as to how to stop him.

Nikki