Just needed to tell it
 

I’m sorry this is depressing, but I just needed to tell it somewhere where people understand.

Long story short for those who don’t know. I broke with the exabf (drug of choice- crack) last Feb. He never stopped calling. I didn’t answer for months. We have started talking about once a week on the phone for the last couple months. He has come over several times to visit, every couple weeks. He said he has been clean from crack for 3 months. He has never come over high-not even on weed or drunk even.

He seemed to be doing a lot better. When I saw him he was more “together” and we could actually have real conversations about what goes on in the world, etc. You know, just the things people normally talk about. When he was on drugs all the time, we hardly ever talked like that. I was glad to see that he seemed better. Not because I want to be with him again, but I was just happy for him.

He said he would like to be friends with me even if I were to get married to someone else or whatever. I am the only person he knows who is not on drugs or in trouble with the law all the time. His whole family is a mess. I think that is why he wants to be friends with me-cause I’m more “normal” in comparison and I’m probably the only person he knows that he can trust.

I admit we did have sex a few times in the last month, but neither of us is trying to get romantically involved with each other again. (I know your probably shaking your heads now-I don’t blame you). Lately I have been avoiding him more and more, telling him I’m busy or whatever.

I guess it was my instincts at work, cause last night he asked if he and his brother could stop by. (His brothers both are long term crack addicts). They came over and I could tell right away that my exabf had been smoking rock. It’s funny how I had become so sensitized to every little sign. I haven’t forgotten any of them. Even seeing him from a block away I could tell from the way he walks, even that is slightly different.

His eyes were kind of sunken, he talked different-like his tongue is too big. His movements and mannerisms let me know. It is all very subtle. I was just about to say something when he asked if I had any baggies or saran wrap cause he wanted to divide something up. I told him he had to leave, right now. They left right away. It was a short visit.

This just left me feeling so sad. Part of it is that he and his brother have an inherited kidney condition-Alport Syndrome. The life expectancy is a max of 50 yrs. without a kidney transplant. His brother is on dialysis 3 times a week and is looking really bad-he is only 33. Crack is bad for the kidneys I have heard.

I guess I need to distance myself from him more again. I just feel sad for him. I’m so glad I don’t live with him anymore. Thanks for listening.

I am sorry you are going through this disappointment. It is funny how we now recognize signs of using when before we had ignored them. I am glad you made them leave! I can't believe he asked you for baggies!
I'm sory he treated you like this, but as you know - "what addicts do".
Hugs to you