Arrggghh! Tonight is really painful!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: NZ
Posts: 32
Arrggghh! Tonight is really painful!
I'm having a horrid night... it's been a sh**y weekend and I feel like I'm starting to crack right now!
My best friend is burying her brother today. He OD'd. Their family didn't even know he was back on it. I'm on the other side of the world and i feel so freakin' useless to her! And the whole thing is freaking me out!! I've been so scared so many times that I would be the one getting that call... that he'd driven of the road again, and this time it was fatal, his depression had got too much etc. It just makes it so real.
My A is having a bad day. He's taking 4 days out of rehab... I'm scared he won't go back. He's suppossedly going to stay with his family, his mum is quiet ill. And to sell off more of his stuff to keep the bank at bay.
He's feeling down because he has "no money, no car, no security, no home, no friends, no confidence, no direction, no future" (his words). I just spent half an hour trying to convince him of his potential and that he can have all of those things back if he keeps working at the rehab programme, and that it will get better etc etc, that I beleive in him and that I'mn proud of him for getting as far through the rehab as he has so far...
Am I doing the right thing?!
I don't know what I'm supposed to do!!
It's his decision whether he goes back to rehab after these four days out, but should I give him an ultimatum if he's thinking of not going back? Like, that he can't stay with me if he chooses not to go back? ...except then I'm scared he'll feel I'm not supporting him and that he will then go back to the drugs for sure!!
Feeling so lost right now.
My best friend is burying her brother today. He OD'd. Their family didn't even know he was back on it. I'm on the other side of the world and i feel so freakin' useless to her! And the whole thing is freaking me out!! I've been so scared so many times that I would be the one getting that call... that he'd driven of the road again, and this time it was fatal, his depression had got too much etc. It just makes it so real.
My A is having a bad day. He's taking 4 days out of rehab... I'm scared he won't go back. He's suppossedly going to stay with his family, his mum is quiet ill. And to sell off more of his stuff to keep the bank at bay.
He's feeling down because he has "no money, no car, no security, no home, no friends, no confidence, no direction, no future" (his words). I just spent half an hour trying to convince him of his potential and that he can have all of those things back if he keeps working at the rehab programme, and that it will get better etc etc, that I beleive in him and that I'mn proud of him for getting as far through the rehab as he has so far...
Am I doing the right thing?!
I don't know what I'm supposed to do!!
It's his decision whether he goes back to rehab after these four days out, but should I give him an ultimatum if he's thinking of not going back? Like, that he can't stay with me if he chooses not to go back? ...except then I'm scared he'll feel I'm not supporting him and that he will then go back to the drugs for sure!!
Feeling so lost right now.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 49
Only if you are ready to stick with the ultimatum hon. If you threaten him, make sure you make good on it because otherwise it is unlikely he will take you seriously aain.
I was with my drug-addict ex for six torturous years Five years later, after I finally left him, he is still addicted and still in the red with the bank. I gave him far too many chances to prove himself. Please don't make the same mistake.
All the best
I was with my drug-addict ex for six torturous years Five years later, after I finally left him, he is still addicted and still in the red with the bank. I gave him far too many chances to prove himself. Please don't make the same mistake.
All the best
Truth Seeker
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Somewhere in the Midwest
Posts: 14
The holidays are especially hard on people. Especially people with emotional/mental issues - and those of us who love them too of course.
I'm sorry you're really struggling. You are dealing with some real stress!
I agree with aspiresobriety - don't make any 'threats' you aren't willing to follow through with.
Sometimes "supporting him" means doing the hard thing - prayers that you have the strength to do what is right. For you. And for him.
(((hugs)))
I'm sorry you're really struggling. You are dealing with some real stress!
I agree with aspiresobriety - don't make any 'threats' you aren't willing to follow through with.
Sometimes "supporting him" means doing the hard thing - prayers that you have the strength to do what is right. For you. And for him.
(((hugs)))
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
When I feel overwhelmed by things that are out of my control, I find saying a prayer and asking God to look after all of it, helps.
Take care of yourself and let God take care of the rest.
Hugs
Take care of yourself and let God take care of the rest.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
i am sorry for your friends brother & for his family & friends. saying a prayer for you all. as far as your a. you have got to make boundies for him & for yourself. you can not control him.his recovery is his recovery.nothing you do or don't do will cause him to use.it is all up to him. do not feel guilty. when u set your boundries carry them through. prayers for u all.
Living in the light
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Sweet Home Serenity
Posts: 706
For now, do only what you feel you can live with. Setting and keeping boundaries takes practice, in any case it did for me.
Keep posting here and know you are not alone as you sort out how to cope with the many challenges all who love addicts face.
I suggest attending face to face meetings. Alanon or Naranon members, just like you,
are trying one day at a time to find their way and help one another.
I wish you well.
Keep posting here and know you are not alone as you sort out how to cope with the many challenges all who love addicts face.
I suggest attending face to face meetings. Alanon or Naranon members, just like you,
are trying one day at a time to find their way and help one another.
I wish you well.
Get Caught Reading
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
(((((Tabbycat)))))
Sorry, it that too familiar? I love cats.
I just wanted to welcome you here to sr.
I'm glad we're able to cyberly walk this road together.
I'm so sorry for your friends brother. My deepest sympathy out to you, her, and her family.
As far as your A goes...
Threatening him if he doesn't return to the rehab is just that. A threat.
Addicts know when their loved ones are serious about their boundries or not.
My 26 yo son had to really clean up and see my own recovery before he started to
believe me and my boundries. Only because I enabled and gave empty threats continuously for about 3 years.
Do what you are able to stick with, pray, detach with love, and keep comin' back to soberrecovery.
A new friend,
Sorry, it that too familiar? I love cats.
I just wanted to welcome you here to sr.
I'm glad we're able to cyberly walk this road together.
I'm so sorry for your friends brother. My deepest sympathy out to you, her, and her family.
As far as your A goes...
Threatening him if he doesn't return to the rehab is just that. A threat.
Addicts know when their loved ones are serious about their boundries or not.
My 26 yo son had to really clean up and see my own recovery before he started to
believe me and my boundries. Only because I enabled and gave empty threats continuously for about 3 years.
Do what you are able to stick with, pray, detach with love, and keep comin' back to soberrecovery.
A new friend,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: NZ
Posts: 32
Thankyou everyone.
Yesterday was a dark day, feeling more prositive this morning.
You're so right with the empty threats. I don't think I'm strong enough to follow through with saying he can't stay right now.
I guess I just have to decide what boundaries I can stick to, and wait and see what happens.
Tried to find a naranon meeting, there are 2 in the whle country and neither are in my city! There are several alanon but bit worried I may not be welcome. Maybe should just go and see if there is anyone else there in my position. What should I expect from a meeting? I'm shy to talk, I get too emotional!
(Bookmiser - not too familiar, tabbycat it fine!)
Yesterday was a dark day, feeling more prositive this morning.
You're so right with the empty threats. I don't think I'm strong enough to follow through with saying he can't stay right now.
I guess I just have to decide what boundaries I can stick to, and wait and see what happens.
Tried to find a naranon meeting, there are 2 in the whle country and neither are in my city! There are several alanon but bit worried I may not be welcome. Maybe should just go and see if there is anyone else there in my position. What should I expect from a meeting? I'm shy to talk, I get too emotional!
(Bookmiser - not too familiar, tabbycat it fine!)
Get Caught Reading
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
((((Tabbycat))))
Alanon is every bit as good as naranon. Addiction is addiction.
You don't need to talk, either. Just being with others who suffer from
codependency and love someone who suffers from addiction/alcoholism,
will instantly make you feel welcome. After a half dozen meetings, you'll know
whether your comfortable enough to share or not. If not, try a different one.
There are alot more alanon meetings, as opposed to naranon.
The steps are the same. Just replace the word alcoholic, with addict.
Again, I'm glad your starting to take care of yourself and focus on your own needs, too. Keep sharing.
Alanon is every bit as good as naranon. Addiction is addiction.
You don't need to talk, either. Just being with others who suffer from
codependency and love someone who suffers from addiction/alcoholism,
will instantly make you feel welcome. After a half dozen meetings, you'll know
whether your comfortable enough to share or not. If not, try a different one.
There are alot more alanon meetings, as opposed to naranon.
The steps are the same. Just replace the word alcoholic, with addict.
Again, I'm glad your starting to take care of yourself and focus on your own needs, too. Keep sharing.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
What I know is nothing *I* do will force an addict to get clean or make and addict use.
Not. One. Thing.
Oh - active addiction will try to blame me for EVERYTHING. Every time. But that is just the addiction talking. And I've learned I cannot listen to active addiction - it lies, lies, lies.
When I think of boundaries, I have to NOT think about what this will change for the addict... will it cause them to feel SO guilty they will change? will this make them see how MUCH I do? How MUCH they hurt me? How good they are? How bad they are?
Nope - boundaries are all about me....me... me.
I have to examine my life - what do I like? How do I want to live? Do I like a quiet house? Do I want to know things are where I put them? Do I need to trust the people I share my home with? Do I want joy? Do I want to do interesting things? Do I want to laugh?
If I want those things, then I have to look at my life and make changes to bring them about. I have to remove the things that are stealing my joy. I have to find laughter - even if it means that I have to leave my home to find it.
My life. My choices. My needs.
That is what Alanon tries to teach me - take the focus off the addict and put it back on me.
Wishing you the best. ((hugs))
Not. One. Thing.
Oh - active addiction will try to blame me for EVERYTHING. Every time. But that is just the addiction talking. And I've learned I cannot listen to active addiction - it lies, lies, lies.
When I think of boundaries, I have to NOT think about what this will change for the addict... will it cause them to feel SO guilty they will change? will this make them see how MUCH I do? How MUCH they hurt me? How good they are? How bad they are?
Nope - boundaries are all about me....me... me.
I have to examine my life - what do I like? How do I want to live? Do I like a quiet house? Do I want to know things are where I put them? Do I need to trust the people I share my home with? Do I want joy? Do I want to do interesting things? Do I want to laugh?
If I want those things, then I have to look at my life and make changes to bring them about. I have to remove the things that are stealing my joy. I have to find laughter - even if it means that I have to leave my home to find it.
My life. My choices. My needs.
That is what Alanon tries to teach me - take the focus off the addict and put it back on me.
Wishing you the best. ((hugs))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: NZ
Posts: 32
Thanks again for your support guys. There's an al-anon meeting near me tommorrow (my day off work) at midday. I'm going to try and have the courage to go.
I haven't heard from my A today. I miss him and I'm stressing about how he is.
I'm wondering if he just needs some space from everything down here, me included, to figure out what he wants to do. I don't trust him to make what I consider to be the right decisions!! Tough luck apparently according to you're guys' experiences!!
I haven't heard from my A today. I miss him and I'm stressing about how he is.
I'm wondering if he just needs some space from everything down here, me included, to figure out what he wants to do. I don't trust him to make what I consider to be the right decisions!! Tough luck apparently according to you're guys' experiences!!
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