buyng the addict clothes
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: reality
Posts: 156
buyng the addict clothes
well, this clothing thing must be a mom thing.
my daughter needed a new winter coat, at first I thought I would send her one of those visa gift cards so she could buy one where she is. Then I thought...hmm she could very well end up using it on drugs, so I go out and buy one...insane, I spent over 300 bucks, it is a two part thing with an outside shell and an inner zip out jacket you can use seperatly if you want. So she says the outside shell is too small, and her dad says he will send it back. Dummy that I am I go out, buy a new outside shell, send it off, but you know, she has not only not dropped the first one off at her dads, but is using it until the other arrives. Wanna bet I can not return that one????? so now I am out 500 bucks just to buy her a coat and you know what -- that is like over one weeks income for me.
I am like -- there is a deeper meaning to this, a nurturing thing, a, I can't take care of you and fix you so I feel guilty but here is a nice coat.
And, my ex says to me, You know, she has probably been sleeping in it, don't expect to be able to return it. And I think, well, at least that keeps her warm...
my daughter needed a new winter coat, at first I thought I would send her one of those visa gift cards so she could buy one where she is. Then I thought...hmm she could very well end up using it on drugs, so I go out and buy one...insane, I spent over 300 bucks, it is a two part thing with an outside shell and an inner zip out jacket you can use seperatly if you want. So she says the outside shell is too small, and her dad says he will send it back. Dummy that I am I go out, buy a new outside shell, send it off, but you know, she has not only not dropped the first one off at her dads, but is using it until the other arrives. Wanna bet I can not return that one????? so now I am out 500 bucks just to buy her a coat and you know what -- that is like over one weeks income for me.
I am like -- there is a deeper meaning to this, a nurturing thing, a, I can't take care of you and fix you so I feel guilty but here is a nice coat.
And, my ex says to me, You know, she has probably been sleeping in it, don't expect to be able to return it. And I think, well, at least that keeps her warm...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Don't feel badly. It took me a long time to realize that drug addicts don't need to be fashionable
I gave mine a hand-me-down, but in the back of my mind I was thinking about giving her my new Columbia coat. She accepted the hand-me-down and for probably the first time in her life was grateful. Hugs, Marle
I gave mine a hand-me-down, but in the back of my mind I was thinking about giving her my new Columbia coat. She accepted the hand-me-down and for probably the first time in her life was grateful. Hugs, Marle
Truth Seeker
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Somewhere in the Midwest
Posts: 14
Maybe next time try the Salvation Army or Goodwill Thrift store.
I think the desire for your daughter to have a warm coat is natural - as a mom I totally understand your intent. I think the desire for your daughter to have a really, really expensive warm coat might be another matter.
I think the desire for your daughter to have a warm coat is natural - as a mom I totally understand your intent. I think the desire for your daughter to have a really, really expensive warm coat might be another matter.
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
oneeyeopen,
Yeppers, I think you're right, it must be a mom thing, it's somehow ingrained in me...I still, on occasion do the "Mom" thing....
I just try to remember, DON"T do it, if they can do it theirselves!
Hugs,
Yeppers, I think you're right, it must be a mom thing, it's somehow ingrained in me...I still, on occasion do the "Mom" thing....
I just try to remember, DON"T do it, if they can do it theirselves!
Hugs,
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: GO PENS
Posts: 1,151
I just did the coat thing. I only did it because she is sober. If she wasn't she would have had to wear the old one. She wanted the one from Hollister....so I said okay I'll make it part of your Christmas gift. She was happy and so was I until I find it laying on the floor or thrown in a corner. Being sober doesn't necessarily mean the old behaviors change. I'm still waiting for a lot of things to change.
I agree with Marle. Drug addicts don't need to be fashionable. When they are in active addiction they really don't care. My RAD now does care about how she looks but she still doesn't take care of her nice things. She still lives like a teenager in her room......a big mess. I know she is a very immature 26 yr. old. I have learned to pick my battles and her room isn't one of them.
We live and learn.............Lo
I agree with Marle. Drug addicts don't need to be fashionable. When they are in active addiction they really don't care. My RAD now does care about how she looks but she still doesn't take care of her nice things. She still lives like a teenager in her room......a big mess. I know she is a very immature 26 yr. old. I have learned to pick my battles and her room isn't one of them.
We live and learn.............Lo
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
It helps me to know that I can only do what I feel comfortable doing...Each time I have done something that in retrospect doesn't make too much sense (usually involving giving my daughters something) I learn from it and the next time I am a little better...Step by tiny step I have been able to let go of some of the things I felt I had to do as a mom, and give my daughter her own wings.
Hugs
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: dallas texas
Posts: 1,629
I have done it all too, but I learn! This year she is in a colder place and needed a real coat. Here in TX jackets are about it. She doesn't know this, but I went to a thrift store, found a Gap coat, looked perfect (like the blue one I bought year before last at regular price). Had it cleaned and she loved it!!!! I still haven't told her where it came from, but she looked cute in it w/ her red hat this weekend. Cost me a whole $25. Plus, as Marle said, she seemed grateful--which is something she hasn't been in a long, long time.
susan
susan
I'm HOME!!!!!
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Hot flash city
Posts: 573
Even though my daughter is now in recovery...I still shop the thrift stores for her. I figger, if she wants a better one...she can get a job and work for it. I will help with basic things...(the mom thang). But if she wants an expensive coat...
I work hard for my money. She needs to get back to reality, which for me means....if you want better things...work for em.
I work hard for my money. She needs to get back to reality, which for me means....if you want better things...work for em.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
I've always had trouble backing off the buying urge, especially when I knew he was walking around looking like he was homeless.
He wasn't, he just didn't care, but something in me held onto the ridiculous notion that if I dressed him up, he would regain pride. But I think deep inside it was my pride that suffered.
Along with that, was the thought that I would spend anything to see that brief moment of gratefulness.
But that too broke my heart when nothing changed.
Its been years since my kid hocked things for drugs. I can buy him whatever I want. Funny thing is the urge isn't there as strong.
That tells me it was for the wrong reasons.
But...live and learn.
(((Hugs)))
Cece
He wasn't, he just didn't care, but something in me held onto the ridiculous notion that if I dressed him up, he would regain pride. But I think deep inside it was my pride that suffered.
Along with that, was the thought that I would spend anything to see that brief moment of gratefulness.
But that too broke my heart when nothing changed.
Its been years since my kid hocked things for drugs. I can buy him whatever I want. Funny thing is the urge isn't there as strong.
That tells me it was for the wrong reasons.
But...live and learn.
(((Hugs)))
Cece
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 773
No she is a drug addict and therefore deserves to be frozen on the street. That almost seems like the mentality in this section of SoberRecovery. Don't give her a coat? When does a one draw a line? I mean she is a human being. Addiction is a disease that requires a lot of support.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I pride myself on being fairly calm and stable but....
you have no idea what in the hell you're talking about.
There are some really fine moms on this board who have been through a lot for their addicted children. And not one of them is suggesting that their kids should be allowed to shiver on the street. The conversation is about what they do, and why they do it (motivations etc.), maybe some different ideas for the future, and your half-cocked comment is just plain offensive, not to mention seriously disrespectful.
What do you suggest, when addicts sell their coats for crack? Just keep 'em coming, keep buying them one after another? Do you have any constructive ideas...or just complaints?
you have no idea what in the hell you're talking about.
There are some really fine moms on this board who have been through a lot for their addicted children. And not one of them is suggesting that their kids should be allowed to shiver on the street. The conversation is about what they do, and why they do it (motivations etc.), maybe some different ideas for the future, and your half-cocked comment is just plain offensive, not to mention seriously disrespectful.
What do you suggest, when addicts sell their coats for crack? Just keep 'em coming, keep buying them one after another? Do you have any constructive ideas...or just complaints?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: GO PENS
Posts: 1,151
tiburon,
I don't think you are understanding what these mom's are saying. We want our kids to be warm and have coats. It is just that they don't need to have the most expensive or most fashionable one. It is hard to reward someone who doesn't deserve to be rewarded. Afterall a lot of these kids do not work or contribute anything to the household. I think a hand me down coat or Good Will coat is fine as long as they are warm and clean.
Addict or not I would not like to see anyone be without a coat. I have donated several of my own coats to those less fortunate.
I think you were getting the wrong message.
I don't think you are understanding what these mom's are saying. We want our kids to be warm and have coats. It is just that they don't need to have the most expensive or most fashionable one. It is hard to reward someone who doesn't deserve to be rewarded. Afterall a lot of these kids do not work or contribute anything to the household. I think a hand me down coat or Good Will coat is fine as long as they are warm and clean.
Addict or not I would not like to see anyone be without a coat. I have donated several of my own coats to those less fortunate.
I think you were getting the wrong message.
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 773
Sorry if I offended anyone. I am an addict and learn a lot in these sections. I just feel that giving your kid a coat is not enabling. I have hit many low bottoms in addiction but I never sold clothing to "get a fix." Perhaps some addicts would and I see your point of view.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
My daughter's new coat, a couple pair of new shoes, a nice purse... all ended up with her dealer (another gal a few years older than my kid).
Dammit. But you notice how MANY items the dealer ended up with? I was a slow learner on that one.
My kid was far more willing to go without than I was. Plus, as long as I allowed her to crash at my place - who needed a great coat anyway?
I think it was only after she was out on the street that the clothes became a bit more important - but only a bit. If it came down to meth or coat - the meth won. Not a reflection on my kid - just on the addiction.
Addiction sux. Big time.
Dammit. But you notice how MANY items the dealer ended up with? I was a slow learner on that one.
My kid was far more willing to go without than I was. Plus, as long as I allowed her to crash at my place - who needed a great coat anyway?
I think it was only after she was out on the street that the clothes became a bit more important - but only a bit. If it came down to meth or coat - the meth won. Not a reflection on my kid - just on the addiction.
Addiction sux. Big time.
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