graci

I went to see a counselor for myself 2 days ago. It was a rather odd experience. I told her my story. My BF is the addict in my life he has used almost every drug under the sun and is now in prison. He is a younger man to me. The counslor told me that she had been in the exact same situation exactly at my age with a younger man the same age as my ABF. Then she told me that there is no recovery, that someone who has used carack, heroin and meth will never recover, that its hard enough to recover from one of those 3 drugs by themself, but to have used all of them it would be impossible, and that I could either face the pain of that now and move on or face it later. A very strong part of me was thinking "So Im just supposed to not have any hope?" I left the counseling session feeling hopeless about any chance for my ABF. I know he has a BIG problem believe me, I know, but there has to be hope, feeling completely hopeless like that left me crying all day. I realized it is my choice whether or not to have hope. She then started saying things like there are other men out there, You will be able to have a healthy relationship again, and I felt myself shut down. She says its the hard truth. I then was questioning myself as to whether i was going to counseling only to hear what I wanted to hear, and I know that Im not. MY goals for counseling for myself are to be able to take better care of myself and my children, and to somehow create a balance in my life so that i am not so completely depressed and grieving about my BF so that I can function. My goal is not to learn how to be completely jaded and think that there is no help or recovery for him and its not to get over him so I can find a different man. I love him and as long as I still breath I will not give up hope.. That doesnt mean that I dont want to be able to feel better about myself and live better and be happier. I felt that she was relating too much of her own past experience with an addict to my situation. PEOPLE RECOVER EVERYDAY. And I truly believe that there is some way that i can be a support to him without enabling and still learn to live my life happily. Am I lying to myself?? I dont think so, but i sure would like to have some input..

Spiritual Seeker

IMHO Your BF does not sound like a good man to have around as a role model and or influence if you have children.
When an addict stops using often their maturity + responsible behavior is not approp for their age and they often cont. not to be trustworthy, dependable or financially secure. Maybe keep going back to the counselor with an open mind and see where it takes you.

GiveLove

While your counselor was right (and so is Spiritual Seeker....you owe more to your kids than a multiple-drug addict with a prison record, never knowing when he will relapse) that isn't what you want or need to hear right now. You may want to look around for a counselor that will help you work through detachment and grief better than just "forget him and move on" in your very first meeting. I know I had to work with at least three before I found one that "got me." (Really, it's a little like "Doctor, it hurts when I do THIS." "Well, then, don't DO that." a little simple for a therapist)

I'm glad you're wondering out loud if you were going in there just to hear what you wanted to hear. Very possible. But as a bystander here, I think your counselor might have addressed things a little better. You have a deep hurt and a deep attachment to this man, rational or not, and "just walk away" really isn't advice I would expect to get from someone who I'm paying money to help me with my brain and heart.....friends and family and discussion forums, yes, but a person who is supposed to give you tools to work through your feelings and get better?

Perhaps there's somebody out there better suited to you, Graci. Look around a little. Sending you hope that YOU will get better, no matter what his choices are. There is no honor in being "in love" with someone who abuses drugs, abuses himself, and abuses you. And from what you've told us, the odds are infinitesimally small that he will get better; she was right about that. I hope you protect your heart from this fate.

GL

bookmiser

((((((Graci)))))))

Great thoughts before me. Just adding support and prayers that your HP leads
you right where you need to be. Whether it's staying with him, or moving on,
chances are you need just a little more time to decide. Until you do decide,
try to keep the focus on youself and your children. Sometimes it's best just
to step away from things (detach) and come at it from another angle later.

Ann

Graci, I have seen even the worst case addict find recovery, so there is always hope. A harsh reality is that some do not recovery, some face jails, institutions and death as their only solutions.

The thing is, we never know who will do what, or when. So we live in today, taking what life has dealt us one day at a time.

Today your addict is active and not in recovery. And even if he does find recovery, there is absolutely no guarantee that he will keep it. Many, like my son, go in and out of the revolving door of recovery/relapse for much of their lives.

What you will need to do, today or when you are ready, is decide if this is the life you want for yourself and your children. This life is the reality, what we each would like for our addict is not what we live with today.

I believe in dreams, Graci, and hope, but I also face today's reality and for me that meant I had to change my life or live in the darkness forever. My dreams are mine, my hope belongs to God, and today is what I must live with.

Hugs

frankie_b

The realities of addiction and the recovery statistics clearly show that the majority of addicts do not find lasting recovery.
It's impossible to know which addict will survive and live in life long recovery. Some do, most don't.
Having hope is a positive option each loved one is entitled to have.

I hope you find another counselor to work with you and help you come to terms with what is best for you, your life and your children. Your bf has a life to live and he alone is responsible for deciding to stay clean.
No matter what you do, say, think or wish you cannot change him. All the love in the world cannot change an addict.
Having unrealistic expectations he will change and all will end well for you in a relationship with him can harm and disappoint you.
I wish you well and hope you find support and healing from the devestating affects
of loving an addict.

cece

There is always hope.
nothing is impossible with God.
but,
remember,
You need to focus the HOPE on you,
HOPE for a better life for you and your children.
focus your recovery on you.:praying

oneeyeopen

Well, perhaps the therapist is projecting her own feelings about her time involved with an addict on to you. it does seem a bit odd for a therapist to give that much of an opinion, usually they help you discover these things for yourself.

I mean, my therapist started hinting at the same thing after a number of months, now he is more pointed about it, but it is also about boosting me and helping me see choices and such. In the beginning he never said anything about the addict in my life one way or the other.

It can be hard to find a therapist you click with, don't feel like you need to stick with this one if you were uncomfortable. I am not saying you need to find someone who is just going to say tut-tut but you do need to find someone you trust, and if you feel like she is making some sort of judgement about your choices, or is pushing you to do something you are uncomfortable with, then perhaps you should find someone else.

cmc

This belief is a red flag to me and shows bias and ignorance and lack of professionalism. AA and NA rooms are full of people with solid recovery. On the other hand the truth is that many do not recover and continue in their disease. To turn a blind eye to that fact does not help somebody involved with an addict. Even with recovery, relapses and all kinds of heartache and problems are possible.

Straight talk is FAR different than being given false information and having somebody force an unqualified opinion. I have a good friend who is a psychologist and he always emphasized that a good deal of his training involved very intense therapy for himself- for the very reason to not project his own issues onto his patients.
About this:
In Alanon I learned that I cannot support someone else's recovery in a way that will help them learn or even want to learn how to be in recovery.

The point of separation is where I focus on MY recovery regardless of what the other person does. Do you attend Alanon or Naranon meetings for yourself?

ohno

When my AS went to his first rehab, they told him "you WILL relapse". I thought, and still think this statement does more harm than good. It gave him an "out". It made it ok to use again and he did. IMHO - Somethings just don't need to be said.


Amatuers built the ark...
Professionals built the titanic.

ellers

How about this: You have hope for him from afar. you raise your children and yourself away from the chaos and watch him from afar. Set hard boundaries for him so as you are able to keep up the stable environment without him throwing chaos in and he can move ahead when HE is ready..not you. * many hugs *

Lobo

This post hit a nerve with me because I don't think a therapist should suck all of the hope out of you if you had any to begin with. I also don't think they should give you false hope.

The very first time I saw a therapist after my RAD started to use drugs....I asked her if my daughter would ever get better. Her answer
was a big fat NO she will not. In other words do not get you hopes up because she will never recover. HOPE is what keeps me alive. I am not being unrealistic but I agree with Ann and Cmc people do recover everyday. My son always talks about rock stars who were heavily addicted to a lot of hard drugs and today are clean and sober. Tommy Lee for one, read his story.

I don't believe that you should stay with a man who is not good for you and your children whether he recovers or not. But, no one can predict whether someone will recover or not.

I would get a new therapist......Lo

miu_miu

Fact is that a lot of people recover. Not everybody, I suppose it has something to do with the character, the type of drugs and the usage length, but there is no point in losing hope. There are moments when we do so, but it is quite unfair when we are forced to lose hope, isn't it? Ex addicts I know are now clean, have regular jobs and happy families. My bf, on the other hand, is still using, or shall I say, is using again. I might be giving up free time, or a night out with the girlfriends, but I'm not giving up hope. Hang in there, and pray for the best!

MeggieStar

Regardless if the therapist/counselor was projecting, I think you hit the nail on the head when you said you are going to counseling to here only what you want to hear.

You need some validation to keep doing what you are doing, and she is not going to give it to you.

You obviously made the decision already to keep yourself and your children around your addict. Now you want someone to tell you how to do it without being insane. I definitely don't have the answer, or else I'd be rich.

I think the point of therapy is to really get at the issues of what makes US tick inside and why we act the way we act. Therapy for the sake of finding out "how to deal with him" isn't going to work, imo. When you get to the point of wanting to change YOURSELF, then things like Therapy, Al/Nar-anon will work. Until then, you may find hopelessness in the situation because "surviving" with an addict, using or not (as I am finding) can defintely be draining and suck the energy out of you. It's when WE change ourselves, and not just how we "deal" with stuff, that hope returns.

Just my 2 cents and honest opinion. Happy Thanksgiving!

hope213

work on your recovery & leave the addict to work on himself. there can be recovery IF he wants it. it is hard & so many choose not too. my son is one of them. put your children before anything else. prayers,

Done_With_It

Well if there is no recovery someone forgot to tell me.

If I was you I'd look for a new counselor, JMO,

A good counselor will help you to find you the answers you are looking
for yourself, they don't tell you what to do, how you are feelings,
what's right or wrong (unless your being hurt) etc.
I've been in counseling for years, and never did I come to my decisions
because my counselors 'told' me what was right / wrong, but they helped
get to my decisions.

I remember when I went into my first treatment center for anorexia and
bulimia and my 500 pound therapist telling my parents on the first day,
okay lets talk about when she relapses.

I was like, Oh good so this is only a temporary thing, they already know
I'm going to do this again as soon as I get out, and why I they even putting
me in here if I can't get better.
It was very confusing to me. I believe that's a terrible thing to put into
someone's mind.

Meth addicts don't recover either. I hear that ALL THE TIME.......

Be careful of what and WHO you listen to and what you believe.
I am much pickier who I let into my life these days, there are
a lot of toxic people out there and many of them have degrees.

But I do believe you need to take care of YOU first and foremost
and your kids. You always come first.