Bad to Worse
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 4
Bad to Worse
Hi. It's been awhile since I posted. Course, no need to tell any of you that things with my addicted 43 year old brother are not only not better....they're worse.
He is now presumably homeless and living in his van - which doesn't run most of the time - and which almost got towed last weekend because he left it in a strip mall parking lot for a week with a dead battery. As usual, he called my mom at the 11th hour and she went and got him out of that mess. However, she was babysitting my kids at the time my brother called and took them with her to help him. I am really not sure how to feel about that. I know they were in no danger...but still...her codependence has such a hold on her that she couldn't make him wait until after we got back home?
He is apparently very very thin now (used to be he always had a weight problem) - He still has lots of stories for my mom about how he's looking for a job "but"....She buys them all. I try to set her straight and she says amazing things like "I just don't really think he's on drugs. He's too coherent" - or, lately, it is "I really don't think there could be THAT many drugs involved. He says he's off the Vicodin" - this, not 20 seconds after telling me that his excuse for leaving the van in the parking lot for a week was because he was "terribly sick with the stomach flu. So bad he couldn't even get out of bed" - mmmmm hmmmmm.
So, I always wind up sounding like the monster who disbelieves her big brother and has no sympathy for a poor, hungry soul. I am tired of feeling like the bad guy. Meanwhile, his life gets worse....and she thinks he is the "victim" he plays himself to be. And she thinks she's supposed to help him because "that's what families do"
Honestly, I would wash my hands of the both of them if it weren't for my kids. They have a nice relationship with their grandma.....do I really need to take that away from them?
My brother will be at my mom's on Thanksgiving. I won't be there - we're going to my dh's parent's house. My mom is letting him stay overnight.
So....what do I do now? I almost feel like showing up unannounced and driving him to a shelter or a program or something. I'm just at a loss.
He is now presumably homeless and living in his van - which doesn't run most of the time - and which almost got towed last weekend because he left it in a strip mall parking lot for a week with a dead battery. As usual, he called my mom at the 11th hour and she went and got him out of that mess. However, she was babysitting my kids at the time my brother called and took them with her to help him. I am really not sure how to feel about that. I know they were in no danger...but still...her codependence has such a hold on her that she couldn't make him wait until after we got back home?
He is apparently very very thin now (used to be he always had a weight problem) - He still has lots of stories for my mom about how he's looking for a job "but"....She buys them all. I try to set her straight and she says amazing things like "I just don't really think he's on drugs. He's too coherent" - or, lately, it is "I really don't think there could be THAT many drugs involved. He says he's off the Vicodin" - this, not 20 seconds after telling me that his excuse for leaving the van in the parking lot for a week was because he was "terribly sick with the stomach flu. So bad he couldn't even get out of bed" - mmmmm hmmmmm.
So, I always wind up sounding like the monster who disbelieves her big brother and has no sympathy for a poor, hungry soul. I am tired of feeling like the bad guy. Meanwhile, his life gets worse....and she thinks he is the "victim" he plays himself to be. And she thinks she's supposed to help him because "that's what families do"
Honestly, I would wash my hands of the both of them if it weren't for my kids. They have a nice relationship with their grandma.....do I really need to take that away from them?
My brother will be at my mom's on Thanksgiving. I won't be there - we're going to my dh's parent's house. My mom is letting him stay overnight.
So....what do I do now? I almost feel like showing up unannounced and driving him to a shelter or a program or something. I'm just at a loss.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
addiction is awful as you know. But even addicts can use a wonderful Thanksgiving meal and time with family for the holiday. Maybe during the holiday you can just have compassion for your Bro. @ least you have another place to be that day if you can't bear to see him. I truly bel it is a disease no one would choose.
People do recover when they get sick + tired of being sick. May your brother get to this pt. one day. In the mean time there is not much anyone can do.
People do recover when they get sick + tired of being sick. May your brother get to this pt. one day. In the mean time there is not much anyone can do.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Omak WA
Posts: 1,049
Seeing son when he goes to Grandma's for Holiday...
Hi CallMeSis, 
I have a little brother 18 months younger than I am still out there. He usually finds a woman to live with that is willing to help take care of him.
He is supposed to be living in the family home...trying to sell it. He isn't following through on any of the expectations for living in the home. We own it together and he needs to pay property taxes, maintain home owner's insurance, and the utilities. I didn't know that he was so out of control with his alcohol abuse or I would have done something different than stay a co-owner of the home.
I had no idea he was not going to go back to work after our Dad died. The mill he worked in for 15 years closed so he was doing carpentry work and did well with that. He is also artistic and would make his own frames for pictures and sell them.
I am sure all of his Social Security is going on booze. His best drinking/drugging
buddies moved away after they sobered up. His best child-hood friend...mine too...died three years ago with complications from alcoholism.
I haven't seen my brother for almost two years and he won't call me collect even. He did put the house up for sale for one year but had the price way out of reason for an old house...even in mostly good repair. I got a lawyer to handle it for me but I am afraid the way things are going the house will go on the auction block in foreclosure this next year for the back taxes and utilities. I paid the property taxes three years in a row and some of the utilities because everything he gets on the house, I get too.
I went to see him the last time, two years ago. He was getting water from the neighbors for flushing the toilet. The power, water, and garbage all were behind in payments. He lives a good eight hour drive from me so it is hard to go see him. Anyway, the last time he distracted me with other things and family pictures so I wouldn't talk about the house. When I came back the next day, he saw me coming so took off to parts unknown. :comfort
Right now it is a lose...lose situation. If I could get my name off the deed and just let him have all the responsibilities...he would probably sell it very quickly. I just don't want to be responsible for someones accident or death on our property due to his neglect and drug/alcohol abuse. As it is, he rents a bedroom to homeless people, charging them $300 a month if they are on SSI or social secrity.
But if my brother were to show up on this side of the mountains, I would surely go see him. He won't though. I love him so very much but I had to put up my boundaries including no bailing him out of jail like my parents did.
I have written to him twice lately and still haven't heard from him. I try to imagine what he is doing now but really don't want to know.
kelsh
I have a little brother 18 months younger than I am still out there. He usually finds a woman to live with that is willing to help take care of him.
He is supposed to be living in the family home...trying to sell it. He isn't following through on any of the expectations for living in the home. We own it together and he needs to pay property taxes, maintain home owner's insurance, and the utilities. I didn't know that he was so out of control with his alcohol abuse or I would have done something different than stay a co-owner of the home.
I had no idea he was not going to go back to work after our Dad died. The mill he worked in for 15 years closed so he was doing carpentry work and did well with that. He is also artistic and would make his own frames for pictures and sell them.
I am sure all of his Social Security is going on booze. His best drinking/drugging
buddies moved away after they sobered up. His best child-hood friend...mine too...died three years ago with complications from alcoholism.
I haven't seen my brother for almost two years and he won't call me collect even. He did put the house up for sale for one year but had the price way out of reason for an old house...even in mostly good repair. I got a lawyer to handle it for me but I am afraid the way things are going the house will go on the auction block in foreclosure this next year for the back taxes and utilities. I paid the property taxes three years in a row and some of the utilities because everything he gets on the house, I get too.
I went to see him the last time, two years ago. He was getting water from the neighbors for flushing the toilet. The power, water, and garbage all were behind in payments. He lives a good eight hour drive from me so it is hard to go see him. Anyway, the last time he distracted me with other things and family pictures so I wouldn't talk about the house. When I came back the next day, he saw me coming so took off to parts unknown. :comfort
Right now it is a lose...lose situation. If I could get my name off the deed and just let him have all the responsibilities...he would probably sell it very quickly. I just don't want to be responsible for someones accident or death on our property due to his neglect and drug/alcohol abuse. As it is, he rents a bedroom to homeless people, charging them $300 a month if they are on SSI or social secrity.
But if my brother were to show up on this side of the mountains, I would surely go see him. He won't though. I love him so very much but I had to put up my boundaries including no bailing him out of jail like my parents did.
I have written to him twice lately and still haven't heard from him. I try to imagine what he is doing now but really don't want to know.
kelsh
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
sorry u are facing this. you can not help your brother & as long as your mom is unable to face the facts you can not help her. me being the mom of an addict i understand her, i was the same way until i got a program in my life. you can not force her to NOT try to fix him.take care of yourself & let it fall where it falls. u are powerless. prayers for you all, hope
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