marie007

Hello Everybody. I have never actually joined a forum to speak to people about being related to a drug addict, I have only ever really spoken deeply about it to my family...which are biased for obvious reasons!

Where to start. Ill keep it simple as I'm sure all of you will identify with the dynamics. So my both my brothers are drug addicts. Both older than me, but one is recreational user who quietly gets on with it where as the other one is a full blown poly substance misuser who lives, breathes, eats drugs. Infact its all he talks about and that's not a over statement. My mum is his enabler (I live with my mum and I'm female), he rings the door bell at 10pm demanding money and wont leave until he gets it. Mum gives in every time and this happened pretty much daily. The only reason it has stopped the last year is because he broke his leg badly and now has no transport to get over here, but she now goes to him...ofcourse. before he was a drug addict he was always horrible to me. Used to call me names, invalidate me that I was stupid, fat, irrational. Would steal my things and have no remorse at all or understanding of why I would be upset, and this continued way into adulthood until I KICK OFF if mum suggests he stays in the house because I know we will just get robbed.

I have pleaded with my mum, begged my mum, argued with her. I have had physical altercations with my brother to just try and get through to them that this is horrendous and I cant cope with it all. I am 28 now, he is 32 and his health is starting to show his lifestyle now. blown veins etc. My mum is 60 and looks after him emotionally, financially and physically (cleaning house etc) and she cant do that forever. The proximity of me and my brother leads me as second in line to pick up the 'duty' if anything happens to my mum. I feel guilty as hell but I don't want to be my mums replacement and have my door bell go off at 10pm for money. I am scared ******** actually.

I am now financially independent and have a profession in which I earn good money so I am seriously thinking of relocating far away now rather than running way later. Its just so sad because me and my mum get on so well and I want to be there for her when she needs me in old age but I just cant be around my brother and I cant be there when he is still knocking on her door when shes 80. He knocked on my grans door at 2am when my gran was in her 90s! begging for money so its relentless.

I'm hoping someone can share their experiences or their advice or suggestions?

thank you x

Sephra

Ah, I am so sorry, what a horrible situation to be in. Hard to watch, I bet.
Unfortunately, there is probably nothing you can do to stop your mom from enabling him, any more than you or her can stop him from using.
The only thing you can really do, is not enable him yourself and try to stay sane. Which it sounds like you are already doing.
I know you want to run away from the situation, and I know you feel like the role your mom plays is going to be dumped in your lap if you don't. But, there is the alternative of saying no when it comes up. Hard and ugly yes. But it does not take long for an addict to stop asking when the understand that the answer is ALWAYS going to be no.
My stepkids are addicts, and I have watched them take advantage of both parents relentlessly, both enable big time. But you know what? They never ask ME for money, or favors or anything. I've had conversations in the past where I've told them that I think their parents enable them, and that I love them but wont do it. Its not perfect, cause addicts are always in need. But, I think it's helped for them to know exactly where I stand. And as I said, they never come to me asking.
Sorry you are dealing with what you are. Its awful. Keep talking about it though, I swear it helps.

Ariesagain

I'm so sorry...what a tough situation.

I know that 60 seems old to you, but if she's in good health she may well outlive him, so as cold as that sounds, maybe it will relieve your mind a tiny bit?

Is there a middle ground where you relocate a shorter distance away so you can still see your mom but get away from your brother? You need to be able to get on with your life...trying to get an active addict to see sense or come to grips with the damage they do is a waste of air.

Your mother is making her choices, now you need to make yours, yes?

cynical one

Would your mum be willing to move far away with you?

Ann

I was an enabling mom for many years and finally one day just had "enough". I started going to meetings for me, Al-anon and CoDA were my two groups, and it was there that I found my balance and gained the courage to let go of trying to save what wasn't mine to save...my son. Maybe find some meetings in your area and try them for yourself. If your mom would be willing to go too, bonus. If not, at least you will find some courage and peace for yourself.

And yes, if you can afford to move I think it would help you a lot. Giving up our front row seat to the drama is always a good start to healing.

Glad you joined us.

Hechosedrugs

What a terrible situation. I don't have any advice to give, just wanted to offer my sympathy. I hope you find the solution that works for you.

PuzzledHeart

Marie, are you concerned about how your mum would react if you told her of your intention to move out? Leaving is one of the best things you could do for yourself.

My sister is the reason why I am on this board. Twenty years ago, I went travelled across the country for a wedding. I left my car at my parents' place when they gave me a ride to the airport. My sister was still living with them and had been essentially given one of their old cars -a beat up truck that got from Point A to Point B. I was concerned that she would borrow my car because it was newer, and told them not to lend my car to her if she asked (I left my keys there just in case they had to move it). I remember thinking that I was being a bit paranoid, because who borrows a car without the owner's permission? Besides, she had access to her own. Guess what happened? She borrowed my car, and proceeded to run over a curb. Fortunately nobody was hurt, but she did bend one of the tire rims. The airbags also went off and shattered the windshield.

When I got home, she blamed the curb and the street layout for the accident, which got me angry enough. So as I ranted and railed about her borrowing my car without my permission, my parents interjected and said that they were angry at her enough while I was away, so I no longer had to be angry at her. As my sister sobbed my mother hugged her and told her everything was going to be fine. Then when I asked them why they had lent my car, they told me that they didn't want to lend their own car because it was expensive. Neither did they want to lend my cousins' car (they were living with my parents at the time) because if my sister got into an accident with that then the extended family would know the depth of my sister's problems. Besides, my car was the cheapest and if there was any damage they could afford to replace it.

And I remember thinking to myself: this is insane. I felt guilty for not telling my sister not to borrow my car, but then if she was actually functional then I would have been fine having her borrow my car in the first place. And if she was functional she would have asked my permission to use my car before I left. Besides, she had her own car!

Then I felt relieved that I had my own place to go to which was just fifteen miles away. That while I lived there, I never had to worry about my sister walking fifteen miles to take my car without my permission.

I'm telling you all this because I don't know if I could have lived with that kind of drama for twenty years. You can be so buried in the demands of the here and now that you don't realize that the here and now can last for a VERY long time if you are not careful. If I didn't move out, I'm not so sure if I would have had been able to date, to travel, to marry and to have kids. My husband and I live an hour away and it's a perfect distance - long enough to be a hassle but short enough to be there if I have to be.

You have a right to establish your own life. Even my own parents, who now both have cancer, tell me to spend more time with my own family and they try their best now to really go at it on their own. My sister NEVER asks me for money because she knows that I won't tolerate her BS. I've told my father that my sister will have to figure out her own way to support herself, because in the end, she will be much better off knowing how to stand on her own two feet. Enabling her for twenty years hasn't done squat, and now that she has children we have to walk that fine line between enabling her and making sure that her kids are safe.

The time to draw the line is now.

I'm sorry that you're going through this.

Maudcat

Hey, Marie. Welcome. My mother and brother have the classic co-dependent relationship, have had for years. I try my best to stay out of it, but that isn't always easy. One thing: you do NOT have to assume the enabler mantle if something happens to your mom. I will say that again. You do not have to become your brother's enabler. That is not your destiny. Your mother's choices are hers. Please keep telling yourself that. Al-Anon is a great organization with lots of support for folks like you and me. Peace.

Hechosedrugs

I don't know. I realize some can say "no" and have that be the end of it. But there are different levels of addiction. And if they know there is somewhere else to turn if you say "no", then of course, they'll do that. But if there's nowhere else to turn? What happens then? I guess it depends on the level of desperation.

So a part of me thinks, yeah, best to get the heck out of dodge. But then I also feel like addiction is increasing so rapidly all around, probably even more than the statistics are able to tell us. So it's kind of inescapable.

But definitely get yourself some help. And don't be afraid to press charges if you are stolen from, etc.

Best of luck.

PuzzledHeart

Then it's up to them to find it within themselves to say "enough". And to acknowledge the pain they've inflicted on others in effort to escape their own pain. And there is a place where they can find help if they look hard enough.

This is going to sound weird, but I taught a fair number of drug addicts in my previous job. And the thing I heard over and over again was "I realized when my family no longer spoke to me that I was over my head and I had to do something about it." One guy, who was the sweetest student ever, was trying to quit heroin because his children no longer wanted him to see his grandkids. If I saw him on the street, I would give him the longest hug ever.

HOWEVER, I was an effective teacher because I didn't have any history with them. I wasn't subject to the daily lying, stealing, and what not. When they crossed the threshold of my classroom, as far as I was concerned, they were clean. And if I called them on their BS, they knew couldn't say "You're not helping me because you don't love me" because I was just a computer instructor, so most of the time I never got BS at all. And if I flubbed up, they called me on it, I said I was sorry and then we moved on.

So I guess what I'm trying to say in my typical long winded way is sometimes the people who are closest to us are not the appropriate messengers for what we need to hear. If we're open, truth can be delivered in the most surprising ways. And as it goes for us, it also goes for the addicted ones we love. I hope that my sister will one day turn around. But I am realistic and humble to realize that I will most likely not be the person who will launch her into recovery. That burden is on her.

There's a reason why they don't allow doctors to treat their own family - the emotions and history can get in the way of healing.



The last time I argued with my dad over this, I told him that the only thing he was doing was teaching my sister that there would always be someone to bail her out, and once my parents were gone, she was going to go after my nieces instead. And my dad said to me, "Well I'll be dead so I won't have to worry about that anymore."

And I said to him, "Are you helping my sister out because you know it's the best thing for her, or because it makes you feel better because then she shuts up?"

He couldn't answer the question.

Maudcat

Puzzled, that is exactly what my mother says when I call her on her codie stuff re my brother,! "Well, He won't be my problem anymore because I'll be gone." And whose problem will he be? Cuz he sure won't be mine either.

teatreeoil007

My initial observation is that your addict brother depends on your mom and your mom depends on you. You are wrapped up in the co-dependency albeit one person removed; not directly with your brother, but in a way you are already picking up the pieces for your mother. She "needs" you, right? To be there so she can cope with your brother. Well, she is a full grown 60 year old woman who can take care of herself and maybe the only way she will ever get out of this situation and stop enabling him is if you at least remove yourself somehow, detach, and have less contact. That doesn't mean you have to move far away, but give yourself a little more space might be the ticket for now. You can always move farther away if you need to.

It's GREAT that you have a good means of supporting yourself. So, grant yourself the freedom you deserve. Detach, detach. It's the only way. Hold very firm to your boundaries and never let them slip. You may even have to set boundaries with your mother. "Mom, I cannot stand to see you enabling him and I don't want anything to do with it."

You know, she really does need a wake-up call.It would be so sad if she were to live out the rest of her days continuing to do what she's doing. She needs help. She is so deeply enmeshed with your brother, she is not living HER life to its fullest. She is ensnared with his addiction. She is also providing a serious barrier to your brother getting help for his addiction. Most hard core addicts need to have their drug supply cut off. Which is why some addicts don't get clean until they are put in jail . As long as she provides the money he needs for his supply, he won't get clean.

atalose

We have to become the change we want to see in the world and in others. I think moving far away from this situation is the healthiest move you could make for yourself. Getting involved in al-anon would be great for you and help you build the strength and understanding that it is ok for you to do this for yourself.

Just like we can’t fix or change the addicts/alcoholics we can’t fix or change the enabling codependents.

Al-anon can help you work through guilt and obligation that seems so over whelming when we want to make those hard healthy decisions for ourselves.

Maudcat

Hey, marie. Checking in again with one more observation. I used to feel pressure from my mom regarding my alcoholic sib. I know she would like it if my older brother and I would continue to let my AB stay in the house after she passes. I know she would like it if we would make sure he has money and food , That isn't going to happen. The house will be sold, and he will be on his own. He has leached off my mother for 25 years. It was my parents's choice, and we accept it. But he is not our legacy. There have been so many times when he could have been a help to my mom, and we would have rejoiced in that and not cared if he drank a barrel of whiskey a day. But he hasn't been. He has been the same self-centered jerk that he was when he was 10. We owe him nothing, and nothing will he get. Angry? Yes, at times. You have an opportunity now to wrest away from your sib's craziness and your mom's enabling, either by moving or defining your boundaries or both. Good luck.