havehope

Just sending some more mom hugs your way.

newsandi

You all are so wonderful, I dont know how I would get thru this without your stories and support. This behavior has been going on for years and I felt so alone and blamed myself like we all do on how they are and act. I am planning on getting my mother on this site and I will sign her up and introduce her and you guys can help me convince her to stop enabling him. She freaks out when I tell her that when he goes to court tomorrow that it probably would be a good idea if he gets locked up for a month or so. She says"Oh Sandra, how can you even think like that". Well, she probably is thinking about it herself now, because when I am not at his beck n call, grandmother is. I just know how stressed he makes her and I want to give her the tools that I am learning. Thanks guys.

Spiritual Seeker

My 23 yr old son only has a bike that he bought himself. He rides the bike to the bus stop and then takes bus when he has a job. I don't give him any money for anything even tho he is not working right now. It is his life. I have an exra car but he wrecked it one too many times in the last few yrs. Now if he ever wants a car he better get motivated to work and save for it. TRUST is earned not given in my book.
No way would I live my life like that...but we are very different. He makes his choices and he must make his own solutions. Me giving him anything at this point will only enable him to stay unmotivated. When I took my car back a couple of yrs. ago bec he was too irrespons. He didn't speak to me for a very long time. Even tho that hurt me I will not be held hostage by his irrational thinking + actions. I still must do what I think is right. He came back around by the way and we have a relationship now where my boundaries that have always been enforced are also respected by him.
the role of parent means we have to make the hard choices no matter how uncomfortble. You prob don't like confrontation and that may not be something you have done with him in many yrs. Now is the time to do this. NO WAY should you and grandma have to put up with his crap.

mooselips

Hi Sandi,
I'm sure you already know this, but, when we enable we are hurting them.
We don't let them face the consequences of their actions, and they always have a soft place to fall....my mother was my oldest sons enabler for a long time, but she seemed to have "gotten" it, after being taken time, and time again.

The best thing is to remember is that we can truly "Love" them to their death.

This all takes time...just remember those 3 C's.

Hugs,

newsandi

Thanks guys, I did go down to the house he is living in and got rid of the girlfriend. Made her pack her things and get out. Had a good talk with my son, with my mom and uncle there. He started to get a smart attitude and I told him I would not have him direspecting me and he stopped in his tracks. I drove him up the street to go somewhere and when I dropped him back off I gave him a hug and whispered in his ear that everytime he talks to me the way he has been I will just leave or hang the phone up. Its little baby steps but we will get there. I am a smart woman and I know the whole enabling thing, its just I have been on those stupid pain pills for so long, I didnt want confrontation but now I am ready for the fight of my life. I love you guys, thanks for supporting me and who knows what tomorrow holds but I will be here for you guys and keep you updated on hopefully all progress.

bookmiser

((((Sandi))))

You wouldn't believe the relief I felt, once my son was in jail and had gotten detoxed and settled in. At first, he had me believin' all kinds o' crap that was goin' on in there.
None of it was true. After the first month, he admitted it was just to see if I would bail him out.
Stay strong. The battle has just begun. I'm in your corner.

Prayers,