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I could really use any advice I can get regarding how to counsel my daughter. She and I are very close and she's often told me that she takes what I say very seriously. Here's the story: For nearly two years my 19 year old daughter has been in a relationship with a guy my husband and I like very much. On many occasions I actually encouraged the relationship because she is something of an over achiever who's obsessed with her grades, while her boyfriend is more laid back. He's always been very supportive of her and at the same time seemed to be a very calming influence. He seemed very good at getting her to "stop and smell the roses" now and then.
She had told me in the past that he smoked marijuana occasionally, but I never really thought much of it because frankly, they're both in college (not the same school) and I didn't think it was that unusual. My daughter had admitted trying it but stated that it made her tired and paranoid, so it's not something she find tempting.
The problem is her boyfriend. It turns out he didn't just smoke occasionally. He was recently arrested for possession and is currently in rehab. To make matters worse his father is somewhat famous, so his arrest and even mug shot were headlined in all the local papers and he's having to deal with that in addition to his drug problem.
My daughter will be coming home for break next week and has said she wants to talk to me about him. What, if any advice do I give her? Should I allow her to visit him if the rehab facility allows it? Should I encourage her to end things with him if she's open to that idea? Somehow that seems rather cold and unforgiving, but I don't want to be naive either. He has stated that he knows he has a problem and he has to beat it. I know she cares for him very deeply. I just don't know if, as a mother, I should offer advice or just listen and encourage her to follow her own instincts. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

misslisa

Hi there, Its great you and your daughter have such a close relationship. She trusts and respects you by the sounds of it.

any way, I believe that we all have to make mistakes to learn.
first of all her boyfriend is in rehab and has admitted there is a problem (shame it took the police though) Maybe he will recover from his addiction?
Let your daughter vent all her worries and concerns. If his addiction was very heavy and ever caused problems for her then maybe she could do with some time away from him to actually see if he is going to make a change. I think it would be nice for her to visit him in rehab to see how he is doing. But she should stick to her boundaries with him (she might need to put some new ones up) If she genuinly loves him and wants to stay with him, then she should let him know that the pot smoking will not be a part of their future together and that she will support him as long as he is trying to help himself. Some guys will give up anything for love!!!

i have made the mistake of letting addictions slide with an ex of mine, he ended up using more cause he thought it was "okay" with me.

i wish you all the best.

Keep us posted with the progress

misslisa

greeteachday

Welcome, I think if you read a bit around here you will see that addiction is a truly difficult disease that takes its toll not only on the addict but on those who love him or her.

It's nice that your daughter shares a close relationship with you, and from your post it's apparent one of the reasons for that is that you are compassionate and allow her to find her own way. I've been learning that if my advice is sought, I am happy to give my view, but I am better off keeping my mouth shut if my daughter is not asking for my thoughts.

That being said, from my perspective, it is tough to know what to say until you hear what is on her mind. I think hearing her out, letting her know that sometimes addiction is very serious and the person will battle it throughout life, and that she is wise to think about what she would like to do next. I try to remember that decisions like this do not have to be made overnight and that its okay to take it one day at a time...
Whatever her decision today, she can alter the course tomorrow if that is what she wants to do. Perhaps she would benefit too from trying a couple of Naranon or Alanon meetings.

hope213

welcome to S.R. i am glad you are here. pot is a drug & it is illegal. pot also lead to other drugs. he has a record now, is that what u really want for your daughter? it is a long road with an addict & she does not need to be on it with him.she sounds like a bright girl.encourage her to run for the hills as fast as she can.most addicts are very abusive also. my son is my is my addict & I know. prayers for you both.

Troubledone

I'm coming in a little late, but for what it's worth -

Kids will do what they do. The best I've found is encouraging them to accept the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth and then use their God-given brain to figure it out.

If you can get her to embrace the following, she will at least be able to make the most informed decision possible.

1. Become educated and accept what dealing with an addiction entails - to know what she is signing up for if she continues this relationship
2. Examine her own belief about drugs - what is ok, what is not, and what boundaries she needs to set for herself in terms of this relationship
3. Examine how invested she is in this relationship relative to the investment it will take to continue the relationship - and - what the increased investment in this issue will take away from the other goals she has for her life.
4. Consider that she may have, in whatever way, subtle or overt, conscious or unconscious, enabled this behavior - and is she willing to do what she needs to do to support recover such as examining her role.
5. Examine the consequences of the various paths.
6. Accept that a decision can be changed if new information is presented.

Good luck. As a mom, you have only so much influence in the best of circumstances. They will decide what they will decide. I pray that she makes the best decision for everyone's highest and best good and that you can retain peace in your soul as you watch her work this out.