Heroin
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: reality
Posts: 156
I know how you feel, I have been on the phone to the people my exabf used with, the owners of the crack houses he hung out at, I have yelled and annoyed and told them they were sh*ts and that they shouldn't let him in. But at the end of the day, harassing them wasn't going to get him to stop, and if it had any effect at all, if they got to a point where they saw dealing with me as too much a hassle then the exabf just moved on to a different crack house and a different dealer.
There is always another out there. Besides it is a useless waste or my energy.
The way I figure it, if I know where all these places are and the names of the dealers then the police sure know it already and don't need me to tell them.
I realized, after dealing with addiction for over a year, that there is nothing I can do that will have any effect on the addicts drug abuse. I tried all sorts of things, and it just doesn't work. But what I have discovered it, the more I focus on myself, the more I work on taking care of my own problems, those are the times when the exabf would actually do better. Love doesn't matter, responsibilities don't matter, morals, scruples, none of these things have any effect, trying to make them feel guilty, nope, nothing. If they are going to use they are going to.
But you know, you have to ask yourself, how much are you going to have to do with it??? Are you going to live with an addict in active addiction? if he has the drugs in the car then they are in the house too. (by the way, how would you prove they were not your drugs or paraphernalia if you got caught with them???) Think of yourself, think of your safety, think of your child's safety.
There is always another out there. Besides it is a useless waste or my energy.
The way I figure it, if I know where all these places are and the names of the dealers then the police sure know it already and don't need me to tell them.
I realized, after dealing with addiction for over a year, that there is nothing I can do that will have any effect on the addicts drug abuse. I tried all sorts of things, and it just doesn't work. But what I have discovered it, the more I focus on myself, the more I work on taking care of my own problems, those are the times when the exabf would actually do better. Love doesn't matter, responsibilities don't matter, morals, scruples, none of these things have any effect, trying to make them feel guilty, nope, nothing. If they are going to use they are going to.
But you know, you have to ask yourself, how much are you going to have to do with it??? Are you going to live with an addict in active addiction? if he has the drugs in the car then they are in the house too. (by the way, how would you prove they were not your drugs or paraphernalia if you got caught with them???) Think of yourself, think of your safety, think of your child's safety.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 138
I'm not worried about anyone thinking it's my stuff. I work in the judicial system, know all the judges, DA's and attorneys plus, remember,my best friend, the ADA has the stuff. When I said my office, I meant my building. She had the first stuff tested for me so several people already know there's an issue.
I didn't call his "friend" who he swears is just a friend and not a dealer but I hang on to his number in case I ever have to provide it. I keep all this stuff in case there is ever an issue with custody or visitation. I would never test positive for drugs and those needles have his blood in them - it wouldn't be a stretch.
Did mention that my husband is a SUBSTANCE ABUSE COUNSELOR? Oh yeah, works with two court-ordered groups a day, does drug court - he is a fraud and a liar. Most of what I know, I know from him but where he screwed up is thinking I haven't been paying attention. He's such an ass for doing this. He'll lose is license to practice, his job, his respect in the community, his family and everybody that helped him get clean ten years ago and get him into school and counseling. Ironically, he is a very very good SA counselor. Go figure.....
I didn't call his "friend" who he swears is just a friend and not a dealer but I hang on to his number in case I ever have to provide it. I keep all this stuff in case there is ever an issue with custody or visitation. I would never test positive for drugs and those needles have his blood in them - it wouldn't be a stretch.
Did mention that my husband is a SUBSTANCE ABUSE COUNSELOR? Oh yeah, works with two court-ordered groups a day, does drug court - he is a fraud and a liar. Most of what I know, I know from him but where he screwed up is thinking I haven't been paying attention. He's such an ass for doing this. He'll lose is license to practice, his job, his respect in the community, his family and everybody that helped him get clean ten years ago and get him into school and counseling. Ironically, he is a very very good SA counselor. Go figure.....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
"He's such an ass for doing this. He'll lose is license to practice, his job, his respect in the community, his family and everybody that helped him get clean ten years ago and get him into school and counseling. Ironically, he is a very very good SA counselor. Go figure..... "
That is the insanity of the disease. Hugs, Marle
That is the insanity of the disease. Hugs, Marle
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
devastated -
just a word of advice....if anything legal happens (like he gets busted) and they find out that you had your child around him, and knew he was using, YOU could get arrested for "cruelty to children". I have a friend doing a year in prison for this charge. If you were to get stopped and a syringe is found in the car, YOU are going to be in trouble, too.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
just a word of advice....if anything legal happens (like he gets busted) and they find out that you had your child around him, and knew he was using, YOU could get arrested for "cruelty to children". I have a friend doing a year in prison for this charge. If you were to get stopped and a syringe is found in the car, YOU are going to be in trouble, too.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: dallas texas
Posts: 1,629
He is sick and needs help. Plus, IMO, he has no business "helping" those who are sick right now. You are in a bad situation, his relapse will be noticed soon at work, but you need to take care of that baby and you!!!
prayers for you all
susan:praying
prayers for you all
susan:praying
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 138
Thank you to all of you for listening, for your input, for your advice and for caring. I see a counselor but I think she's pretty clueless about how this REALLY affects us at home and the fear we constantly live with.
We went to church this morning. Our paster preached on how to get the devil out of your life, how to keep the devil out of your life and stand with God. It was pretty fitting. He knew it. I cried alot (I actually almost went to the alter but chickened out cause of my big boo hoo's) and maybe, maybe he felt some shame and responsibility for my tears. I'm pretty sure he cried too cause at the end of the final prayer, he jumped up and offered to go get the baby out of the nursery. We'll see how today goes.
Oh yeah, I went through his car again this morning when he was in the shower. I didn't find anything. Good Lord I hope that call to his friend the minister and church today gives him some strength. His friend chastised him about meetings too. I'll be mentioning it before the end of the day. Funny thing is - he's in meetings all day -- conducting them!
Hugs to all of you. I do love SR and all it has to offer. :praying
We went to church this morning. Our paster preached on how to get the devil out of your life, how to keep the devil out of your life and stand with God. It was pretty fitting. He knew it. I cried alot (I actually almost went to the alter but chickened out cause of my big boo hoo's) and maybe, maybe he felt some shame and responsibility for my tears. I'm pretty sure he cried too cause at the end of the final prayer, he jumped up and offered to go get the baby out of the nursery. We'll see how today goes.
Oh yeah, I went through his car again this morning when he was in the shower. I didn't find anything. Good Lord I hope that call to his friend the minister and church today gives him some strength. His friend chastised him about meetings too. I'll be mentioning it before the end of the day. Funny thing is - he's in meetings all day -- conducting them!
Hugs to all of you. I do love SR and all it has to offer. :praying
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 138
So, here's an update....
We went to church today. The sermon was on how to get the devil (I took that to mean drugs) out of your life and keep him out by standing behind God. I cried (alot) and he cried too. I really thought that maybe, just maybe, the pastor had touched him and he felt for one moment, my pain, my shame and some sort of responsibility for my onslaught of public emotion.
We had a good day and I went to Wal-mart. When I got home, first thing I found on the counter was a bent spoon! Now, here's the thing, I have gone through all my silverware and UNBENT to perfection, every spoon in the house. I take it to him and he looks at me like I have two heads! I said surely you've noticed that I took your syringes out of the car yesterday. He says he has no earthly idea what I'm talking about. I told him I had them in a safe place and he accuses me of trying to set him up. I tell him that I have them, they have his blood in them so it would be difficult to set him up. I tell him that I want to support him in his recovery but he has to be honest with me and himself. I don't condone what he is doing (whether it's oxycodone or heroin) and I want to help him because I know he doesn't want to be the person he once was. He continues to look at me like I'm crazy and then gets defensive and says he doesn't trust me either. I tell him that by keeping his call history on his phone cleared all the time, disappearing for long times without explanation, his defensive, his eating the all the chocolate out of the candy bowl Friday night, the nodding, the chain smoking etc is all indicative that he's using again. I told him I told his friend and he said I had to stop telling lies to his friend (ha!). I don't know guys.....I'm trying this "I want to be on your side and will support you instead of kicking your sorry ass to the curb" but I don't think it's going to work. I do know that this will not be my life for very long. Maybe through the holidays then I'm done but that all depends on how bad the holidays get.
I will continue with church, find a meeting I can make (babysitting issues) and never be complacent about my search to nail his ass to the wall if I have to (he's threatened more than once to take our baby from me cause I have a pretty bad temper - not towards her - towards him). That, bottom line, is why I'm collecting all this "evidence". Getting very angry vs. intraveneous drug use, hmmmmmm. I'll ruin him if I have to. I won't be divorced again and him not go down in flames!!!
Sorry, I'm vengeful. I have to protect the baby and keep him from any kind of custody or unsupervised visitation. I won't risk her well being again.
That's it. Sorry this got so long. I love ya'll!!!:praying
We went to church today. The sermon was on how to get the devil (I took that to mean drugs) out of your life and keep him out by standing behind God. I cried (alot) and he cried too. I really thought that maybe, just maybe, the pastor had touched him and he felt for one moment, my pain, my shame and some sort of responsibility for my onslaught of public emotion.
We had a good day and I went to Wal-mart. When I got home, first thing I found on the counter was a bent spoon! Now, here's the thing, I have gone through all my silverware and UNBENT to perfection, every spoon in the house. I take it to him and he looks at me like I have two heads! I said surely you've noticed that I took your syringes out of the car yesterday. He says he has no earthly idea what I'm talking about. I told him I had them in a safe place and he accuses me of trying to set him up. I tell him that I have them, they have his blood in them so it would be difficult to set him up. I tell him that I want to support him in his recovery but he has to be honest with me and himself. I don't condone what he is doing (whether it's oxycodone or heroin) and I want to help him because I know he doesn't want to be the person he once was. He continues to look at me like I'm crazy and then gets defensive and says he doesn't trust me either. I tell him that by keeping his call history on his phone cleared all the time, disappearing for long times without explanation, his defensive, his eating the all the chocolate out of the candy bowl Friday night, the nodding, the chain smoking etc is all indicative that he's using again. I told him I told his friend and he said I had to stop telling lies to his friend (ha!). I don't know guys.....I'm trying this "I want to be on your side and will support you instead of kicking your sorry ass to the curb" but I don't think it's going to work. I do know that this will not be my life for very long. Maybe through the holidays then I'm done but that all depends on how bad the holidays get.
I will continue with church, find a meeting I can make (babysitting issues) and never be complacent about my search to nail his ass to the wall if I have to (he's threatened more than once to take our baby from me cause I have a pretty bad temper - not towards her - towards him). That, bottom line, is why I'm collecting all this "evidence". Getting very angry vs. intraveneous drug use, hmmmmmm. I'll ruin him if I have to. I won't be divorced again and him not go down in flames!!!
Sorry, I'm vengeful. I have to protect the baby and keep him from any kind of custody or unsupervised visitation. I won't risk her well being again.
That's it. Sorry this got so long. I love ya'll!!!:praying
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 138
Creative hiding spots for drugs in a car....need input
Apparently, AH has not done Heroin since I busted him and kicked him out a couple of weeks ago. He has, however, been eating Oxycodone like candy and occassionally mainlining it - I found the needles remember. Now he's out, except for what I took from his stash so he has to come to me for a few here and there. Today he admits it's a problem and he's been trying to wean himself off and that is part of why he's home sick today - the intake numbers are dropping. Says he's going to call the doctor and push the pain management issue to try and get off the pills completely.
I guess I'm happy cause today I'm not "a sick bitch". I guess I'm happy cause today he's not denying there's a problem or that he's been using. I guess I'm happy cause I feel like there's some progress being made although he says, especially right now, with the withdrawals, it's hard to talk about.
Am I being a fool? I asked him if when the Oxy's ran out was he going to go and find some heroin and he said no. By the way, I called his doctor today and left a message that he was abusing the Oxy capsules and shooting them instead of taking them orally and if he must write a script, write it for tablets cause I guess the feeling is different when you take a bunch orally vs. IV. Any feedback on that?
Also, where in your car is a good place to hide needles, spoons, etc. besides the obvious console, glove box, under the seat etc. Give me some creative hiding spots PLEASE!!!!
I guess I'm happy cause today I'm not "a sick bitch". I guess I'm happy cause today he's not denying there's a problem or that he's been using. I guess I'm happy cause I feel like there's some progress being made although he says, especially right now, with the withdrawals, it's hard to talk about.
Am I being a fool? I asked him if when the Oxy's ran out was he going to go and find some heroin and he said no. By the way, I called his doctor today and left a message that he was abusing the Oxy capsules and shooting them instead of taking them orally and if he must write a script, write it for tablets cause I guess the feeling is different when you take a bunch orally vs. IV. Any feedback on that?
Also, where in your car is a good place to hide needles, spoons, etc. besides the obvious console, glove box, under the seat etc. Give me some creative hiding spots PLEASE!!!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Honey, there are way too many places to hide stuff to mention. Honestly, I would do what I had to to keep him out of my car or anywhere else he could hide his stash. Your freedom and your baby's life depend on it.
As far as calling the doctor, it's not for me to say if you did the right thing. All I can do is remind you that if he wants to use, he will. An addict can ALWAYS find another place to score dope. I moved 1-1/2 hours from where I was active on crack. Of course it is all around me anyway. I just found out last night that one of the guys I work with is selling crack. Today, I don't want to use so it's no temptation.
You're not a fool...you're just trying to find out what's best for everyone. I undestand you're keeping evidence to fight him if a custody case comes up, but remember.....you will then have to admit that you knew he was using and still allowed him around your child.
I hope you find a way to let him deal with his stuff, and protect you and the baby.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
As far as calling the doctor, it's not for me to say if you did the right thing. All I can do is remind you that if he wants to use, he will. An addict can ALWAYS find another place to score dope. I moved 1-1/2 hours from where I was active on crack. Of course it is all around me anyway. I just found out last night that one of the guys I work with is selling crack. Today, I don't want to use so it's no temptation.
You're not a fool...you're just trying to find out what's best for everyone. I undestand you're keeping evidence to fight him if a custody case comes up, but remember.....you will then have to admit that you knew he was using and still allowed him around your child.
I hope you find a way to let him deal with his stuff, and protect you and the baby.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
Posts: 875
I feel for you .... I know all to well the insanity of living with and loving an addict ...
I remember going through my ex-husbands truck, wallet, pants pockets, dresser drawers, closet and all his clothes pockets, his easy rider magazines, garage and everything in it, garbage can so on and so forth .. hitting redial on the phone after he made a call, trying to listen in on his phone conversations, calling around looking for him at bars, his friends house, jails, hospitals, the morgue, driving around looking for him, staying up all night waiting for him to come home ... yelling, screaming, crying, begging, pleading (anything and everything to get him to stop causing me pain) nothing worked - because he was an addict and he was doing what addicts do and that is abuse drugs and because he was abusing drugs he was incapable of giving his best to our relationship ... I went from hunting him down to babysitting him in hopes that if I kept an eye on him that he wouldn't get a chance to use ... that didn't work either .. nothing I attempted to do worked .. he always found a chance and a way to use .. I couldn't control his addiction .. I couldn't keep it at bay .. it always reared its ugly head ... I couldn't love it out of him, I couldn't beg it out of him, I couldn't cry it out of him (and I believe me I tried)
I, like you, hoped the streams of tears flowing down my cheeks would make him feel so terrible for what HE was doing to ME and that HE would just snap back into reality and be clean ... (it didn't happen)
I told our pastor about him going back to drugs in hopes that the pastor would go and speak to him and hoped that the words that came out of our pastors mouth would be sprinkled with some kind of miracle transformation dust and that my ex would see the light and change right there .. that very moment ... (it seemed the only thing that changed was he used more)
I spent endless hours obsessing over him, his drug use, and trying to make him stop. I tried, repeated and retried to the point of exhaustion and I kept this behavior up until I was sure I had left no stone unturned .. I was sure I had done anything and everything within my power to make him stop ... (the only thing I hadn't done was jump in his body and force him to quit myself) and the only reason I didn't do that was because it wasn't possible.
Ultimately I was the one who had to stop the insanity. I had to stop trying to make him quit using and make myself start taking care of myself.
I had to stop looking to for him to make me happy and find my own happiness.
I had to make myself stop asking him if he was using (of course he was using) that is what addicts do ... if he wasn't using he'd be in recovery or going to meetings and I'd see the fruit of his recovery shining forth and I'd know he wasn't using. He wouldn't be able to hide it. ya know
Like it or not HE was an addict and either I could come to terms with that fact and start taking care of myself or I could stick around and try to fight a battle that didn't belong to me .. it wasn't mine to fight.
I knew I didn't want drugs in my life and I knew my husband used drugs ... I tried to remove the drugs from my husband (IMPOSSIBLE)... He continued to spiral further and further down into the pit of addiction hell and I ended up having to remove myself from our home and create the kind of live I wanted to live.
It was one of the hardest things I've had to do in my life, but his addiction left me no other alternative - I was finally able to admit I was powerless over my husbands addiction and retire my marathon running shoes.
I hadn't given up hope that one day he might get clean and sober, but I gave up trying to MAKE it happen.
I surrendered.
Then I began to slowly, but surely put my life back together.
YOU CAN'T STOP HIS ADDICTION! IT WILL OUT RUN YOU. YOU DON'T HAVE THE STRENGTH OR THE STAMINA TO KEEP UP. YOU WILL TIRE LONG BEFORE HE DOES.
but you can stop the insanity and take control of your life.
You can stop wondering where his stash is hidden and find a nar-anon meeting and go to that instead. You will find all the tools and resources and strength you will need to stop trying to fix him and find yourself ..... It will be so worth it .... Plus you've go all of us here on SR
You don't have to live like you're livin' ...... You can have the kind of life you desire and deserve REGARDLESS of what he does or doesn't do ... and it will be like a breath of fresh air.
Passion
I remember going through my ex-husbands truck, wallet, pants pockets, dresser drawers, closet and all his clothes pockets, his easy rider magazines, garage and everything in it, garbage can so on and so forth .. hitting redial on the phone after he made a call, trying to listen in on his phone conversations, calling around looking for him at bars, his friends house, jails, hospitals, the morgue, driving around looking for him, staying up all night waiting for him to come home ... yelling, screaming, crying, begging, pleading (anything and everything to get him to stop causing me pain) nothing worked - because he was an addict and he was doing what addicts do and that is abuse drugs and because he was abusing drugs he was incapable of giving his best to our relationship ... I went from hunting him down to babysitting him in hopes that if I kept an eye on him that he wouldn't get a chance to use ... that didn't work either .. nothing I attempted to do worked .. he always found a chance and a way to use .. I couldn't control his addiction .. I couldn't keep it at bay .. it always reared its ugly head ... I couldn't love it out of him, I couldn't beg it out of him, I couldn't cry it out of him (and I believe me I tried)
I, like you, hoped the streams of tears flowing down my cheeks would make him feel so terrible for what HE was doing to ME and that HE would just snap back into reality and be clean ... (it didn't happen)
I told our pastor about him going back to drugs in hopes that the pastor would go and speak to him and hoped that the words that came out of our pastors mouth would be sprinkled with some kind of miracle transformation dust and that my ex would see the light and change right there .. that very moment ... (it seemed the only thing that changed was he used more)
I spent endless hours obsessing over him, his drug use, and trying to make him stop. I tried, repeated and retried to the point of exhaustion and I kept this behavior up until I was sure I had left no stone unturned .. I was sure I had done anything and everything within my power to make him stop ... (the only thing I hadn't done was jump in his body and force him to quit myself) and the only reason I didn't do that was because it wasn't possible.
Ultimately I was the one who had to stop the insanity. I had to stop trying to make him quit using and make myself start taking care of myself.
I had to stop looking to for him to make me happy and find my own happiness.
I had to make myself stop asking him if he was using (of course he was using) that is what addicts do ... if he wasn't using he'd be in recovery or going to meetings and I'd see the fruit of his recovery shining forth and I'd know he wasn't using. He wouldn't be able to hide it. ya know
Like it or not HE was an addict and either I could come to terms with that fact and start taking care of myself or I could stick around and try to fight a battle that didn't belong to me .. it wasn't mine to fight.
I knew I didn't want drugs in my life and I knew my husband used drugs ... I tried to remove the drugs from my husband (IMPOSSIBLE)... He continued to spiral further and further down into the pit of addiction hell and I ended up having to remove myself from our home and create the kind of live I wanted to live.
It was one of the hardest things I've had to do in my life, but his addiction left me no other alternative - I was finally able to admit I was powerless over my husbands addiction and retire my marathon running shoes.
I hadn't given up hope that one day he might get clean and sober, but I gave up trying to MAKE it happen.
I surrendered.
Then I began to slowly, but surely put my life back together.
YOU CAN'T STOP HIS ADDICTION! IT WILL OUT RUN YOU. YOU DON'T HAVE THE STRENGTH OR THE STAMINA TO KEEP UP. YOU WILL TIRE LONG BEFORE HE DOES.
but you can stop the insanity and take control of your life.
You can stop wondering where his stash is hidden and find a nar-anon meeting and go to that instead. You will find all the tools and resources and strength you will need to stop trying to fix him and find yourself ..... It will be so worth it .... Plus you've go all of us here on SR
You don't have to live like you're livin' ...... You can have the kind of life you desire and deserve REGARDLESS of what he does or doesn't do ... and it will be like a breath of fresh air.
Passion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 138
Ny - I love reading your posts. You are such an eloquent and honest writer!!! Thank you for your PM. I do plan on reading it.
We talked some tonight. He is not doing so well. He asked for a few pain killers so I gave him a couple but I only have 8 more. I asked him what in the world was going to happen over the weekend. What about Monday. He said he did not plan on getting any more oxycodone. He has severe osteo arthritus (sp?) and he's going to take ibuprofin until he can get into the pain management program. I honestly have no idea what "pain management" is. Is that some sort of hocus pocus meditation mind over matter crap?
He told me that all this was not part of the bargain when I married him. I told him that through this website, I no longer felt alone or special - that so many have this demon knocking at their doors. I asked him if he minded me touching him or was he edgy. He told me to quit reading so much and I told him that since he was talking to me (anymore cause he's always on the defense) I had to educate myself somewhere (and what an education I've gotten from SR - THANK YOU). He admitted that he had shut down and he didn't blame me for seeking guidance somewhere else - remember, he IS a substance abuse counselor and an egomaniac so he talks about his groups, his theories, his treatments, frustrations with clients, the legal system, etc. all the time.
I truly, truly hope that this is it but I am no fool, anymore, and I know the relapse is always around some corner, it may take another 10 years it might be 10 minutes. I don't honestly know if I can accept that, much less raise my kids always waiting for the other shoe to fall. I guess I'll find out.
You are right about my "evidence". I had not thought of it that way. Geeze! Can't win for losing huh?
I'm going to find an NA meeting or do you recommend Nar-Anon? I need to see if some of the girls at daycare will babysit one night a week for me. I will be proactive because I have to be me, the best me I can be, to raise my kids well and have them respect me and others. I don't want them exposed to this awful, awful disease. It is hard not to take it personally isn't it. I, like, NY, seem to think I can love it out of him, that our daughter, who he wanted So badly would be enough - one look at her big blue trusting eyes and he'd be finished forever.
I have no urge to search his truck tonight although I swear to never be complacent. I'm here instead of being outside, heart pounding, praying to God that I don't find any clues and hoping he doesn't come out and accuse me of treating him like a child. Is that progress or denial?
I pray tonight, and I hope you will pray also, that he has the tools and resources to battle down this addiction. He hasn't been relapsed but for maybe 5 months so I hope that it's been the most hellish 5 mo. of his life since there is so much more at stake this time (his first wife was a junkie too and he wasn't "super substance abuse counselor" so there were no ramifications and only a party buddy in her). I often wonder if she's dead or alive. If she quit or kept going with it? When he was married to his first wife, he went into at least 20 rehab facilities and she would always pick him up with a 12-pack and a couple bags of dope. He'd say "no, no" and she'd say "please, I've missed you so much, party with me, let's celebrate" and eventually he would. He won't get that from me. It might not make any difference.
Rambling - sorry. THANK YOU again and again for enlightenment and brutal honesty. I will keep coming, keep reading posts and crying, keep educating myself and keep praying for everybody here for peace, one day or night at a time.
We talked some tonight. He is not doing so well. He asked for a few pain killers so I gave him a couple but I only have 8 more. I asked him what in the world was going to happen over the weekend. What about Monday. He said he did not plan on getting any more oxycodone. He has severe osteo arthritus (sp?) and he's going to take ibuprofin until he can get into the pain management program. I honestly have no idea what "pain management" is. Is that some sort of hocus pocus meditation mind over matter crap?
He told me that all this was not part of the bargain when I married him. I told him that through this website, I no longer felt alone or special - that so many have this demon knocking at their doors. I asked him if he minded me touching him or was he edgy. He told me to quit reading so much and I told him that since he was talking to me (anymore cause he's always on the defense) I had to educate myself somewhere (and what an education I've gotten from SR - THANK YOU). He admitted that he had shut down and he didn't blame me for seeking guidance somewhere else - remember, he IS a substance abuse counselor and an egomaniac so he talks about his groups, his theories, his treatments, frustrations with clients, the legal system, etc. all the time.
I truly, truly hope that this is it but I am no fool, anymore, and I know the relapse is always around some corner, it may take another 10 years it might be 10 minutes. I don't honestly know if I can accept that, much less raise my kids always waiting for the other shoe to fall. I guess I'll find out.
You are right about my "evidence". I had not thought of it that way. Geeze! Can't win for losing huh?
I'm going to find an NA meeting or do you recommend Nar-Anon? I need to see if some of the girls at daycare will babysit one night a week for me. I will be proactive because I have to be me, the best me I can be, to raise my kids well and have them respect me and others. I don't want them exposed to this awful, awful disease. It is hard not to take it personally isn't it. I, like, NY, seem to think I can love it out of him, that our daughter, who he wanted So badly would be enough - one look at her big blue trusting eyes and he'd be finished forever.
I have no urge to search his truck tonight although I swear to never be complacent. I'm here instead of being outside, heart pounding, praying to God that I don't find any clues and hoping he doesn't come out and accuse me of treating him like a child. Is that progress or denial?
I pray tonight, and I hope you will pray also, that he has the tools and resources to battle down this addiction. He hasn't been relapsed but for maybe 5 months so I hope that it's been the most hellish 5 mo. of his life since there is so much more at stake this time (his first wife was a junkie too and he wasn't "super substance abuse counselor" so there were no ramifications and only a party buddy in her). I often wonder if she's dead or alive. If she quit or kept going with it? When he was married to his first wife, he went into at least 20 rehab facilities and she would always pick him up with a 12-pack and a couple bags of dope. He'd say "no, no" and she'd say "please, I've missed you so much, party with me, let's celebrate" and eventually he would. He won't get that from me. It might not make any difference.
Rambling - sorry. THANK YOU again and again for enlightenment and brutal honesty. I will keep coming, keep reading posts and crying, keep educating myself and keep praying for everybody here for peace, one day or night at a time.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
You are most definitely in my prayers.
As far as al-anon or nar-anon, either one will help you. When I first tried recovery, I went to AA and NA. There were more frequent meetings in my town with AA and I just "clicked" better with the people there than at NA, even though alcohol wasn't my demon. Both are based on the same program and there are so many people addicted to drugs AND alcohol, you will get support whichever one you go to.
I truly hope he finds recovery, but not everyone does. I used to get high with people who had given up kids, jobs, houses, etc. all the time. I gave up a career in nursing, but am trying to get it back. The main thing is that you know you can work on you. You and your daughter deserve a good life - whether he chooses to be part of it is up to him.
You've already come a long way in your thinking....keep it up!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
As far as al-anon or nar-anon, either one will help you. When I first tried recovery, I went to AA and NA. There were more frequent meetings in my town with AA and I just "clicked" better with the people there than at NA, even though alcohol wasn't my demon. Both are based on the same program and there are so many people addicted to drugs AND alcohol, you will get support whichever one you go to.
I truly hope he finds recovery, but not everyone does. I used to get high with people who had given up kids, jobs, houses, etc. all the time. I gave up a career in nursing, but am trying to get it back. The main thing is that you know you can work on you. You and your daughter deserve a good life - whether he chooses to be part of it is up to him.
You've already come a long way in your thinking....keep it up!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
Posts: 875
Originally Posted by DevastatedJP 
He asked for a few pain killers so I gave him a couple but I only have 8 more. I asked him what in the world was going to happen over the weekend. What about Monday. He said he did not plan on getting any more oxycodone. He has severe osteo arthritus (sp?) and he's going to take ibuprofin until he can get into the pain management program. I honestly have no idea what "pain management" is. Is that some sort of hocus pocus meditation mind over matter crap?
http://www.medicinenet.com/pain_management/article.htm
He asked for a few pain killers so I gave him a couple but I only have 8 more
I truly, truly hope that this is it but I am no fool, anymore, and I know the relapse is always around some corner, it may take another 10 years it might be 10 minutes.
Where are the boundaries ... what are the consequences for crossing them? Are there any?
I told him that through this website, I no longer felt alone or special - that so many have this demon knocking at their doors.
He told me to quit reading so much
He admitted that he had shut down and he didn't blame me for seeking guidance somewhere else
I'm going to find an NA meeting or do you recommend Nar-Anon?
I need to see if some of the girls at daycare will babysit one night a week for me. I will be proactive because I have to be me, the best me I can be, to raise my kids well and have them respect me and others. I don't want them exposed to this awful, awful disease.
It is hard not to take it personally isn't it.
I have no urge to search his truck tonight
I'm here instead of being outside, heart pounding, praying to God that I don't find any clues and hoping he doesn't come out and accuse me of treating him like a child. Is that progress or denial?
KEEP IT UP
I pray tonight, and I hope you will pray also, that he has the tools and resources to battle down this addiction.He hasn't been relapsed but for maybe months so I hope that it's been the most hellish 5 mo. of his life
As much as you are hoping that this past 5 months have been the most hellish months of his life .... I doubt they were .. but I'd bet money that they were for you
since there is so much more at stake this time (his first wife was a junkie too and he wasn't "super substance abuse counselor" so there were no ramifications and only a party buddy in her). I often wonder if she's dead or alive. If she quit or kept going with it? When he was married to his first wife, he went into at least 20 rehab facilities and she would always pick him up with a 12-pack and a couple bags of dope. He'd say "no, no" and she'd say "please, I've missed you so much, party with me, let's celebrate" and eventually he would. He won't get that from me.
Don't bargin with his addiction. You are hoping he is going to see the light and change after this weekend is over things will be different .... I don't want to be a bubble burster, but I'll say it again, I doubt it will be that simple.
I cannot be anything other than completely outright honest with you.
You can't be on the fence .... you have to pick a direction and go with it ... the boundaries have to be clearly defined and consequences for crossing them outlined... You'll have to find the strength to follow through (say whatcha mean and mean whatcha say)
Just as the addicts actions speak louder than words so does ours.
If you settle for less then you want you'll get even less then you settled for.
You stumble upon SR For a reason ...keep coming here Janet ... hang on for dear life ... .. I believe in you and I believe you are going to be okay regardless of which way it goes with your husbands addiction.
******{Hugs}}}}
Passion
Rambling - sorry. THANK YOU again and again for enlightenment and brutal honesty. I will keep coming, keep reading posts and crying, keep educating myself and keep praying for everybody here for peace, one day or night at a time.
[/QUOTE]
Last edited by nytepassion; 11-21-2007 at 01:04 PM.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 138
Well, I knew this was going to be a difficult weekend......
AH woke up before me this morning. I got up at 8:00 a.m. and he has drank what was left of a bottle of Amaretto and 1/3 of what was left of a pint of Vodka. He is out of pain meds. Has been since Wendesday. I told him I wanted to do some yard work today cause yesterday we laid around all day. I hate laying around but we went out of town to Thanksgiving and we didn't sleep good that night at his sister's house.
Anyway, I mention yard work and he tells me I have to give him a few hours. I say "John, your body is confused. You have so many chemicals in it right now, the vodka, the amaretto, the alka-seltzer and all his regular meds for blood pressure, anxiety, water pills, depression, it doesn't know what to do". He said that I didn't understand. He said that he was not having a good morning and that he wanted to use dope so bad right now he couldn't stand it. He said I humiliated him by making him say that. I asked if he meant dope or pain killers and he replied that for they do, to make him feel better, it was all the same.
I guess I'm going to have to count our pennies today and make sure he doesn't leave the house without me. The alcohol is gone, we have no money. I know that doesn't matter. I'm going to stay busy today and go get gas for the lawnmower with the baby and take her outside with me to trim branches or whatever. I can't sit in this house and wait - wait for him to feel better - wait for him to join our life.
I'll probably be back later - for my sanity. Talking to ya'll is like looking into a fortune tellers ball! I'm so glad for my friends at SR and for not getting caught with "my pants down" so to speak.
Thank you!
AH woke up before me this morning. I got up at 8:00 a.m. and he has drank what was left of a bottle of Amaretto and 1/3 of what was left of a pint of Vodka. He is out of pain meds. Has been since Wendesday. I told him I wanted to do some yard work today cause yesterday we laid around all day. I hate laying around but we went out of town to Thanksgiving and we didn't sleep good that night at his sister's house.
Anyway, I mention yard work and he tells me I have to give him a few hours. I say "John, your body is confused. You have so many chemicals in it right now, the vodka, the amaretto, the alka-seltzer and all his regular meds for blood pressure, anxiety, water pills, depression, it doesn't know what to do". He said that I didn't understand. He said that he was not having a good morning and that he wanted to use dope so bad right now he couldn't stand it. He said I humiliated him by making him say that. I asked if he meant dope or pain killers and he replied that for they do, to make him feel better, it was all the same.
I guess I'm going to have to count our pennies today and make sure he doesn't leave the house without me. The alcohol is gone, we have no money. I know that doesn't matter. I'm going to stay busy today and go get gas for the lawnmower with the baby and take her outside with me to trim branches or whatever. I can't sit in this house and wait - wait for him to feel better - wait for him to join our life.
I'll probably be back later - for my sanity. Talking to ya'll is like looking into a fortune tellers ball! I'm so glad for my friends at SR and for not getting caught with "my pants down" so to speak.
Thank you!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Sounds like you are willing to take the babysteps to help yourself. You can't help him. That is up to him. Getting outside into the fresh air can help to clear your head a bit. You may find that you can make your day one of joy even if he is still living in the darkness. Hugs, Marle
Living in the light
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Sweet Home Serenity
Posts: 706
You are very clear he is in his full blown addiction as well as where it will take him.
He stands to lose everything. That said, what can you do to get help for you and your child? Getting help and support for your codependency can make a difference in your life. I sincerely hope you start a codependent recovery program and am glad you are here.
We are here for you.
He stands to lose everything. That said, what can you do to get help for you and your child? Getting help and support for your codependency can make a difference in your life. I sincerely hope you start a codependent recovery program and am glad you are here.
We are here for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 138
Sleeping
I guess alot of sleeping comes with a potential detox? He went to bed last night at 9:00 and went back to bed this morning at about 8:30 - it's almost 12 and he's still asleep.
Besides flu like symptoms and lots of sleeping, anything else I should be on the look out for?
I think his doctor intentionally didn't call him back. I wonder what will happen on Monday? I wonder if he will tell him I called? It's all good. I don't regret it. The doctor is at the VA Clinic and all the VA hospital's etc. are tied together so anyone within the VA system will see the note. I made my point. We don't have private insurance so he would have to go the ER for an RX.
Besides flu like symptoms and lots of sleeping, anything else I should be on the look out for?
I think his doctor intentionally didn't call him back. I wonder what will happen on Monday? I wonder if he will tell him I called? It's all good. I don't regret it. The doctor is at the VA Clinic and all the VA hospital's etc. are tied together so anyone within the VA system will see the note. I made my point. We don't have private insurance so he would have to go the ER for an RX.
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
Posts: 875
Opiate withdrawal
The symptoms of withdrawal and the severity of it will depend on the amounts that were taken and
the length of time the person was using opiates. Symptoms of withdrawal begin within 6-12 hours
after reducing or stopping use of opiates. The most common symptoms include: sweating, muscle
pains/aches/cramps, yawning, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, goose bumps or “cold turkey”, enlarged
pupils, and decreased sleeping. These symptoms last about 3 to 14 days. Some people choose to
“taper” (or gradually reduce) the dose of opiates with a doctor to an end goal that may be a lower dose
of drug or drug-free
Heroin Withdrawal symptoms are some of the nastiest an addict can experience compared to Withdrawal from any other drug. The individual who has become physically as well as psychologically dependent on heroin will experience heroin Withdrawal with an abrupt discontinuation of use or even a decrease in their daily amount of heroin taken. The onset of heroin Withdrawal symptoms begin six to eight hours after the last dose is administrated. Major heroin withdrawal symptoms peak between 48 and 72 hours after the last dose of heroin and subdue after about one week. The symptoms of heroin withdrawal produced are similar to a bad case of the flu.
Symptoms of Heroin withdrawal include but are not limited to:
* dilated pupils
* piloerection (goose bumps)
* watery eyes
* runny nose
* yawning
* loss of appetite
* tremors
* panic
* chills
* nausea
* muscle cramps
* insomnia
* stomach cramps
* diarrhea
* vomiting
* shaking
* chills or profuse sweating
* irritability
* jitterness
Is he taking something to make him sleep?
The symptoms of withdrawal and the severity of it will depend on the amounts that were taken and
the length of time the person was using opiates. Symptoms of withdrawal begin within 6-12 hours
after reducing or stopping use of opiates. The most common symptoms include: sweating, muscle
pains/aches/cramps, yawning, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, goose bumps or “cold turkey”, enlarged
pupils, and decreased sleeping. These symptoms last about 3 to 14 days. Some people choose to
“taper” (or gradually reduce) the dose of opiates with a doctor to an end goal that may be a lower dose
of drug or drug-free
Heroin Withdrawal symptoms are some of the nastiest an addict can experience compared to Withdrawal from any other drug. The individual who has become physically as well as psychologically dependent on heroin will experience heroin Withdrawal with an abrupt discontinuation of use or even a decrease in their daily amount of heroin taken. The onset of heroin Withdrawal symptoms begin six to eight hours after the last dose is administrated. Major heroin withdrawal symptoms peak between 48 and 72 hours after the last dose of heroin and subdue after about one week. The symptoms of heroin withdrawal produced are similar to a bad case of the flu.
Symptoms of Heroin withdrawal include but are not limited to:
* dilated pupils
* piloerection (goose bumps)
* watery eyes
* runny nose
* yawning
* loss of appetite
* tremors
* panic
* chills
* nausea
* muscle cramps
* insomnia
* stomach cramps
* diarrhea
* vomiting
* shaking
* chills or profuse sweating
* irritability
* jitterness
Is he taking something to make him sleep?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 138
Well
He takes Remron (for PTSD, which makes me sleep hard), Klonapin (sp?) and he's taking Alka-Seltzer (has nighttime and daytime - just got over bronchitis, now has a really bad head and chest cold). He is freezing (chills). The heat is cranked up. He did eat something finally. He hasn't ate since breakfast yesterday. He had to eat then cause his sister was standing over him. He is drinking lots of water. Is dehydration part of it too? I've been reading other posts and it seems like I keep hearing people telling them to drink lots of fluids. He hasn't been nauseated that I know of. He is coming off the Oxycodone. The heroin was a couple of weeks ago (I'm pretty sure he was out of the Oxycodone when he did that).
AH went to the store to get cigs and came back with a couple of mini-bottles. He said the worst of the physical symptoms have most likely passed, now it's mental, i.e. the vodka. I told him I didn't want him trading one addiction for another. Not acceptable. He promises it's just to get his head straight - yeah right! He can't go without some sort of buzz is what I think. Alas, we are not over the river and through the woods yet.
****{Sigh}} One day at a time.....(more like one hour at a time huh?)
AH went to the store to get cigs and came back with a couple of mini-bottles. He said the worst of the physical symptoms have most likely passed, now it's mental, i.e. the vodka. I told him I didn't want him trading one addiction for another. Not acceptable. He promises it's just to get his head straight - yeah right! He can't go without some sort of buzz is what I think. Alas, we are not over the river and through the woods yet.
****{Sigh}} One day at a time.....(more like one hour at a time huh?)
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