Where do we go from here?
advice-needer
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: palatka fl
Posts: 10
Where do we go from here?
I have signed on to this web site with my wife. We are looking for some answers. My step-son is an addict, that is a very hard thing to say, since we had so many hopes and dreams for him. He had and still has so much potential to be anything he wants to be, he just chooses drugs. He left our house two days ago. In two weeks he will be 18 yrs old. He has been to some counciling, but i'm not sure he is redy to change or seek help. I went to speek with him, to invite him to spend Thanksgiving with his family, and he was high. I caught him off gaurd by just showing up so most of my questions and comments to him rendered no response from him. We are truely lost in this situation but also have another younger son to look out for. Any advice, comments or suggestions would be greatly welcomed.
This was posted on another forum and someone suggested i come here.
This was posted on another forum and someone suggested i come here.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Welcome from another parent. I know the heartache you feel. I know it seems like drugs hijack our sons and rob them of their potential. Don't give up on him.
It is important to get support for yourselves too.
I found Al-Anon group with parent emphasis to be very helpful... a lifesaver.
My own son got involved with drugs at 17 too. Now at 23 he still struggles.
I have hope that he will recover. there are stories of recovey. When they are young it can take awhile. the support here is wonderful and I hope you find comfort
It is important to get support for yourselves too.
I found Al-Anon group with parent emphasis to be very helpful... a lifesaver.
My own son got involved with drugs at 17 too. Now at 23 he still struggles.
I have hope that he will recover. there are stories of recovey. When they are young it can take awhile. the support here is wonderful and I hope you find comfort
Another Day in Paradise
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Upland, CA
Posts: 900
I am both a parent and an alcoholic who is 8 years sober. I have you might say, seen both sides of the coin.
I have a 27 year old son sober 7 years himself after having been both an abuser of alcohol as well as multiple drugs. He came to me at age 20 and felt his life was completely out of control and thought I could help. I sent him to AA on his own, as opposed to the same meetings that I attended. He has been sober as I say these last 7 years. He graduated college, married a woman who is now herself a pediatrician and they have a 6 month old daughter.
I relate this for a few reasons. There are indeed success stories, but in my experience ONLY when the abuser wants to address the problem. Until then in my opinion no amount of intervention, berating, pleading, or logical conversation will be of any avail. In my son's case he was lost and because of his utter shame at "disappointing me" so he came ASKING for help.
I realize that this may not be what you want to hear, but as an alcoholic myself I feel somewhat qualified to speak to my behavior prior to deciding that I WAS the problem and the solution. I am an advocate in every way of the AA program and what its structure offers to the addict and alcoholic. We abuse substances because there are holes in our lives and very souls and until that void is addressed the likelihood of staying sober is almost non-existent. I have heard and read on this site many folks who pooh pooh the AA program but when their own length of sobriety is addressed it is usually very short and most often riddled with countless relapses.
The proof as it is said is in the pudding. If you can find a sober moment with your son to simply ask him, "DO YOU WANT TO GET SOBER?" you may find that he is not ready or beat up enough yet. If that be the case then I would not extend much hope for any method of treatment or counseling to yield any success. You should try and keep the lines of communication open, but always bear in mind that he WILL HAVE TO DO THE WORK HIMSELF and that begins with the simple and SINCERE statement, I'm JON and I am an alcoholic.
Best wishes, but remember there are indeed real stories of recovery. Feel free to contact me via private message if I can offer any further observations or perhaps some insight based on my perspective.
Jon
I have a 27 year old son sober 7 years himself after having been both an abuser of alcohol as well as multiple drugs. He came to me at age 20 and felt his life was completely out of control and thought I could help. I sent him to AA on his own, as opposed to the same meetings that I attended. He has been sober as I say these last 7 years. He graduated college, married a woman who is now herself a pediatrician and they have a 6 month old daughter.
I relate this for a few reasons. There are indeed success stories, but in my experience ONLY when the abuser wants to address the problem. Until then in my opinion no amount of intervention, berating, pleading, or logical conversation will be of any avail. In my son's case he was lost and because of his utter shame at "disappointing me" so he came ASKING for help.
I realize that this may not be what you want to hear, but as an alcoholic myself I feel somewhat qualified to speak to my behavior prior to deciding that I WAS the problem and the solution. I am an advocate in every way of the AA program and what its structure offers to the addict and alcoholic. We abuse substances because there are holes in our lives and very souls and until that void is addressed the likelihood of staying sober is almost non-existent. I have heard and read on this site many folks who pooh pooh the AA program but when their own length of sobriety is addressed it is usually very short and most often riddled with countless relapses.
The proof as it is said is in the pudding. If you can find a sober moment with your son to simply ask him, "DO YOU WANT TO GET SOBER?" you may find that he is not ready or beat up enough yet. If that be the case then I would not extend much hope for any method of treatment or counseling to yield any success. You should try and keep the lines of communication open, but always bear in mind that he WILL HAVE TO DO THE WORK HIMSELF and that begins with the simple and SINCERE statement, I'm JON and I am an alcoholic.
Best wishes, but remember there are indeed real stories of recovery. Feel free to contact me via private message if I can offer any further observations or perhaps some insight based on my perspective.
Jon
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
welcome,you have come to the right place. i am glad you have found us & glad you & your wife are going to work together on this. it is a long, hard road with an addict.the addict in my life is also my son.what s.r. has taught me is i have no control over my addict son. i can not love him clean or make him stay clean no matter what i do.it is his choice to stay clean or get high.he has been an addict since he was 23 & now he is 36. he has been in & out of rehabs, jails, prison since he was 23.he was not raised to do the things he does. read the stickys at the top of the forum"what addicts do" & "you can not make me clean". it is heart breaking & as hard as it is, it is true. find a naranon meeting & you & your wife go.there is alot of support here & at the meetings.i am sorry for your family. i am saying a prayer for you all. keep coming back here. we r here for you.you can not save him, only yourself. prayers, hope
I'm HOME!!!!!
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Hot flash city
Posts: 573
Welcome SG
Another mom of an addict here. My daughter was 30 when I discovered her addiction. She was an RN, with my adorable grandson who was 12 at the time. She had developed an addiction to pain pills, and it progressed until she and the boyfriend were injecting.
Well, the story is the same sad tale about addiction, she lost her son, her job, her apt, her car....on and on and on!! She ended up on the streets, both living and selling herself to make more money for the drugs. I had my grandson removed from the home,luckily before he ended up on the streets with her, and moved here to raise him and give him some stability. They somehow don't hear everything people are telling them, and it wasn't until she ended up in jail that she decided to get help.
Read lots about addiction. There is a wonderful program on A&E called intervention!! I am addicted to everything about addiction. I tape the program religiously. I wouldn't have made it this far without the angels on this site. Thanks to them I was able to continue speaking in a rational way, (even though I felt insane inside).
It does get better for US. We are the only ones we have control over!! There is help for us, and finding support helps!!!
Again welcome
Another mom of an addict here. My daughter was 30 when I discovered her addiction. She was an RN, with my adorable grandson who was 12 at the time. She had developed an addiction to pain pills, and it progressed until she and the boyfriend were injecting.
Well, the story is the same sad tale about addiction, she lost her son, her job, her apt, her car....on and on and on!! She ended up on the streets, both living and selling herself to make more money for the drugs. I had my grandson removed from the home,luckily before he ended up on the streets with her, and moved here to raise him and give him some stability. They somehow don't hear everything people are telling them, and it wasn't until she ended up in jail that she decided to get help.
Read lots about addiction. There is a wonderful program on A&E called intervention!! I am addicted to everything about addiction. I tape the program religiously. I wouldn't have made it this far without the angels on this site. Thanks to them I was able to continue speaking in a rational way, (even though I felt insane inside).
It does get better for US. We are the only ones we have control over!! There is help for us, and finding support helps!!!
Again welcome
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: SC
Posts: 1,027
((((sgrass))) Just adding my welcome. My husband is an addict who is currently in recovery. Please read the sticky's up top. Post and read. Also, if at all possible, as suggested above, try and find a meeting, either alanon or naranon, both focus on you as the loved on of an addict/alcoholic.
StrivingToThrive
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: san diego, ca
Posts: 425
Welcome,
I understand the pain, loss, and worry you feel. Especially the not knowing what tomorrow will bring. you are among friends who understand and will not judge.
Have your wife join us to. We have both fathers and mothers here.
I have a 22 year old addict in my life. Al-anon meetings have helped me Tremendously! I couldn't be surviving this without my meetings and this website. read all the stickies above, show them to your wife.
And trust me when I say, you will need to start taking care of yourselves through this process.
Prayers fro you both and his brother,
Cathy:praying
I understand the pain, loss, and worry you feel. Especially the not knowing what tomorrow will bring. you are among friends who understand and will not judge.
Have your wife join us to. We have both fathers and mothers here.
I have a 22 year old addict in my life. Al-anon meetings have helped me Tremendously! I couldn't be surviving this without my meetings and this website. read all the stickies above, show them to your wife.
And trust me when I say, you will need to start taking care of yourselves through this process.
Prayers fro you both and his brother,
Cathy:praying
advice-needer
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: palatka fl
Posts: 10
thanks for listening and the advice. Today is a hard day, I guess they're all hard from here on out? my wife and I use this site together, right now, even though i have not given up on my step-son, my biggest concern is for my wife. She is taking this very hard and is looking for any glimmer of hope. Is it out there?
advice-needer
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: palatka fl
Posts: 10
we are still confused about what enabling means? When we reached out to him last night we received no response. Do we keep trying to contact him or just let him be? this seems to be the hardest thing, not knowing what to do, say or think. This is someone who was supposed to want a life,a life filled with love and joy. I just don't see how throwing away the people that cares the most about him would bring that joy to his life. Our youngest has written him a letter should we try to take it to him?
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
Posts: 875
Originally Posted by sgrass 
thanks for listening and the advice. Today is a hard day, I guess they're all hard from here on out? my wife and I use this site together, right now, even though i have not given up on my step-son, my biggest concern is for my wife. She is taking this very hard and is looking for any glimmer of hope. Is it out there?
Passion
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
Posts: 875
Originally Posted by sgrass
we are still confused about what enabling means?
Enabling - When 'Helping' Doesn't Really Help
From Buddy T,
Enabling Takes Many Forms
Many times when family and friends try to "help" addict/alcoholics, they are actually making it easier for them to continue in the progression of the disease.
This baffling phenomenon is called enabling, which takes many forms, all of which have the same effect -- allowing the addict/alcoholics to avoid the consequences of his actions. This in turn allows the addict/alcoholics to continue merrily along his (or her) using/drinking ways, secure in the knowledge that no matter how much he screws up, somebody will always be there to rescue him from his mistakes.
What is the difference between helping and enabling? There are many opinions and viewpoints on this, but here is a simple description:
Helping is doing something for someone that they are not capable of doing themselves. Enabling is doing for someone things that they could, and should be doing themselves.
Simply, enabling creates a atmosphere in which the addict/alcoholic can comfortably continue his unacceptable behavior.
Are you an enabler?
Here's a few questions that might help determine the difference between helping and enabling an alcoholic in your life:
1. Have you ever "called in sick" for the addict/alcoholics, lying about his symptoms?
2. Have you accepted part of the blame for his (or her) using/drinking or behavior?
3. Have you avoided talking about his using/drinking out of fear of his response?
4. Have you bailed him out of jail or paid for his legal fees?
5. Have you paid bills that he was supposed to have paid himself?
6. Have you loaned him money?
7. Have you tried using/drinking with him in hopes of strengthening the relationship?
8. Have you given him "one more chance" and then another and another?
9. Have you threatened to leave and didn't?
10. Have you finished a job or project that the addict/alcoholic failed to complete himself?
Of course, if you answered "yes" to any of these questions, you at some point in time have enabled the addict/alcoholic to avoid his own responsibilities. Rather than "help" the addict/alcoholic, you have actually made it easier for him to get worse.
If you answered "yes" to most or all of these questions, you have not only enabled the addict/alcoholic, you have probably become a major contributor to the growing and continuing problem and chances are have become effected by the disease yourself.
As long as the addict/alcoholic has his enabling devices in place, it is easy for him to continue to deny he has a problem -- since most of his problems are being "solved" by those around him. Only when he is forced to face the consequences of his own actions, will it finally begin to sink in how deep his problem has become.
Some of these choices are not easy for the friends and families of addict/alcoholics. If the addict/alcoholic uses/drinks up the money that was supposed to pay the utility bill, he's not the only one who will be living in a dark, cold, or sweltering house. The rest of the family will suffer right along with him.
That makes the only option for the family seem to be taking the money intended for groceries and paying the light bill instead, since nobody wants to be without utilities.
But that is not the only option. Taking the children to friends or relatives, or even a shelter, and letting the addict/alcoholic come home alone to a dark house, is an option that protects the family and leaves the addict/alcoholics face-to-face with his problem.
Those kinds of choices are difficult. They require "detachment with love." But it is love. Unless the addict/alcoholics is allowed to face the consequences of his own actions, he will never realize just how much his using/drinking has become a problem -- to himself and those around him.
advice-needer
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: palatka fl
Posts: 10
thanks nytepassion
our son was lying, hanging with the same people doing the same thing. We gave him a choice to either straighten up, get help or he could not live with us. He chose the later. We both feel like we are throwing him to the wolves that feed off of his insecurities and his inability to tell them or the drugs no. Every time we drew a line he crossed it. We did not learn of his addiction until probably 3 months ago. It just feels like there should be more we could do or say other than nothing. Fourth night that he's gone and it already feels like forever.
our son was lying, hanging with the same people doing the same thing. We gave him a choice to either straighten up, get help or he could not live with us. He chose the later. We both feel like we are throwing him to the wolves that feed off of his insecurities and his inability to tell them or the drugs no. Every time we drew a line he crossed it. We did not learn of his addiction until probably 3 months ago. It just feels like there should be more we could do or say other than nothing. Fourth night that he's gone and it already feels like forever.
Get Caught Reading
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
(((((Sgrass and family)))))
and welcome...
So sorry for your pain. Another mom here. My son was 19 when I found out he was using heroin, intravenously. He is now 26, sees a counselor and is on medication for bi-polar disorder. I have been in recovery from codependency for over 2 years.
You've come to a great place to share your story.
Keep coming back.
Hugs from one parent to another,
and welcome...So sorry for your pain. Another mom here. My son was 19 when I found out he was using heroin, intravenously. He is now 26, sees a counselor and is on medication for bi-polar disorder. I have been in recovery from codependency for over 2 years.
You've come to a great place to share your story.
Keep coming back.
Hugs from one parent to another,
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: north carolina
Posts: 139
i just wanted to say welcome and i am so sorry for your pain. i am the mother of a 16 year old addict daughter. i understand what "forever" feels like. my child is a habitual runaway. when the going gets tuff...she goes! please educate yourself about this disease and continue to come here often and read other's stories. i have only been on this forum for a couple of weeks, and it has been a world of wisdom to me. the support you will find here is overwhelming at times~when you think your the only one & to find out there are so many others in your shoes is sad, but comforting on the other hand. it has taken me a long time to figure out i didn't cause my child's addiction~even though she tells me other wise. i wish the best of luck to you in you passage through this time...S
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
sgrass,
My hurts for you and your wife, addiction can suck the life right out of us, if we let it.
I'm the mom of 2 addict sons, one is 29, and sober, the other 34, and currently using.
Please try to get to meetings, they really help give you support, knowing you're not alone in this.
Hugs,
My hurts for you and your wife, addiction can suck the life right out of us, if we let it.
I'm the mom of 2 addict sons, one is 29, and sober, the other 34, and currently using.
Please try to get to meetings, they really help give you support, knowing you're not alone in this.
Hugs,
StrivingToThrive
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: san diego, ca
Posts: 425
what should you do or not do?
i am always struggling with this one too. But i am learning that I am not all powerful, nothing I do or say, will get him to use or stop using.
My 22 yr old AS has been in and out of my life for the past 3 years.
I remember the beginning stages of my realization. the first 2 1/2 years, i tried to help him, get him to see what he was doing, I yelled, cried, pleaded, supported, condemned, talked him into treatment he didn't have the commitment to keep, School he never really wanted to go to, and yet, sometimes it would seem like he would get it for a while and then he was gone again. Each time it seemed to get worse.
I am learning that when I call and reach out continually, he expects it and then wants me to take care of his problems, come up with the answers again, , and gets angry when I don't.
but when I separate and don't call, I feel like i am abandoning him, or manipulating him, and yet, then he usually calls me and doesn't expect anything from me.
It is a day by day thing for me. this struggle for what is right. How to detach with love.
I always let him know i love him with an occasional text message, or e-mail, right now not phone calls, because he isn't responsive to it. But i want him to know i am out there but not to save him. Occasionally I will write an e-mail that says if he is ever tired of this life and wants help I will be there for him. but mostly I keep to neutral subjects. Its safer.
Al-anon meetings and reading materials, ( the books are at any bookstore like Borders etc.) helped me understand the addict, how to love him in spite of it, how not to let it consume me, how to let go and give my son to his Higher Power to walk with and care for, and how to always have hope. It truly took me out of that dark despair of hopelessness i was in. I know right now it is hard to believe, but even with my son still in addictive behavior, I can find peace.
Cathy
i am always struggling with this one too. But i am learning that I am not all powerful, nothing I do or say, will get him to use or stop using.
My 22 yr old AS has been in and out of my life for the past 3 years.
I remember the beginning stages of my realization. the first 2 1/2 years, i tried to help him, get him to see what he was doing, I yelled, cried, pleaded, supported, condemned, talked him into treatment he didn't have the commitment to keep, School he never really wanted to go to, and yet, sometimes it would seem like he would get it for a while and then he was gone again. Each time it seemed to get worse.
I am learning that when I call and reach out continually, he expects it and then wants me to take care of his problems, come up with the answers again, , and gets angry when I don't.
but when I separate and don't call, I feel like i am abandoning him, or manipulating him, and yet, then he usually calls me and doesn't expect anything from me.
It is a day by day thing for me. this struggle for what is right. How to detach with love.
I always let him know i love him with an occasional text message, or e-mail, right now not phone calls, because he isn't responsive to it. But i want him to know i am out there but not to save him. Occasionally I will write an e-mail that says if he is ever tired of this life and wants help I will be there for him. but mostly I keep to neutral subjects. Its safer.
Al-anon meetings and reading materials, ( the books are at any bookstore like Borders etc.) helped me understand the addict, how to love him in spite of it, how not to let it consume me, how to let go and give my son to his Higher Power to walk with and care for, and how to always have hope. It truly took me out of that dark despair of hopelessness i was in. I know right now it is hard to believe, but even with my son still in addictive behavior, I can find peace.
Cathy
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