Am I reading too much into things?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 4
Am I reading too much into things?
Not too very long after my husband and I met I found out he smoked pot. He promised to stop smoking it when we found out I was expecting our first son. We went on for a while with my thinking he wasn't anymore until I started watching his actions more and confronted him and he had no choice to admit it. He swore again he was going to stop. 2 months later our son was born, we got married and I didn't wonder about him smoking anymore. But pot isn't my biggest concern. I guess I'm mentioning that to point out I guess to myself and anyone else that I was really stupid to stay with and eventually marry a man who used any type of drug. And all my "I thought he had stopped" moments make me wanna smack myself for being so stupid. When our son was about maybe 6 months old I had a couple surgeries and many complications that kept me first confined to bed then admitted into the hospital for a while and even after I got out of the hospital I couldn't walk for a long time. He stuck by me and took care of me through it all. As I was finally learning to walk again I started noticing a change in him. I knew he had been put on Ritalin to help him with college, he's going to college for his bachelors degree, he said he had a hard time focusing in class. It wasn't long after he started the medication I started finding him staring blankly at a blank computer screen. He would come home all hours of the morning unable to keep one track of thought to explain where he had been. He would start a sentence but finish it with something totally random. He was super high strung and jumpy like no other. I don't recall him sleeping very much at all. One night I woke up in the middle of the night and when I looked at the foot of the bed I saw him at his desk crushing up pills then snorting the powder. I didn't say anything. I just went back to sleep. The next day I asked him how many he was taking and he said he would only take 2-3 at a time. So I watched him more closely and found him snorting this stuff every hour to hour and a half. Eventually he started having nose bleeds and constant "sinus infections" that the stuff the doctor put him on never seemed to help. I finally confronted him about his snorting Ritalin and he didn't hit me but scared the crap out of me. He was working on building a custom computer case out of really thick clear acrylic and he just snapped one of the larger pieces over his knee and threw it across the room going into a tantrum. I went to his grandmother and told her what was going on. After all, the doctor prescribing the pills was a family friend of hers. I'd noticed he was getting new bottles more than he should have and over heard him once on the phone with the doctor saying he'd lost his bottle and needed him to call in a new script and every time the doctor would. Even when it hadn't been a week since the last time the doctor had done it. I wanted her to talk to her friend and ask him to stop prescribing the pills for him because he wouldn't quit on his own. I was met with "He's got a lot of stress on him right now with school and working. You need to get him off of it." Well, he was only going to school 1 night a week unlike the full time schedule his grandmother gave him money to pay for and he was only working 15 of the 30 hours a week he told her he was working. He never bothered to tell her that he had actually failed the last 3 semesters at college and was on academic probation. We eventually moved in to a new house. His grandmother paid for our rent on a place to take stresses off of him since I apparently wasn't. And when we first moved here I thought maybe that worked and he was off the stuff. Then I saw the same inability to form a coherent sentence, the sitting up all hours of the night, never being able to account for where he was and nearly jumping out of his skin if I walked in a room. Then I started noticing him picking at his sking and hair. He started getting sores all over his face and chest. He was pulling his hair out. I searched his car and found several hollow straw like things lined with white residue and several folded pieces of paper with the same stuff in them. I confronted him about it and told him to stop it or I was taking our son and my daughter from a previous marriage and leaving. We got in a horrible fight with screaming at each other and I said it was obvious he didn't want help and since the kids and I weren't reason enough for him to stop we would leave. I picked up our son to leave and he chased after me. I locked us in the bedroom but soon after heard him taking the screws out of the door knob so I ran into the bathroom and locked us in there. I heard him burst through the bedroom door and start working on the bathroom door knob. The second he was through it I tried to rush past him but he grabbed our son by the arm and ripped him out of my arms. I probably could've held on to him but I was terrified of his arm being pulled out of socket so I let go. We didn't have a house phone so I grabbed my cell phone from the kitchen to call 911. I was dialing the phone when he came up behind me and grabbed me and closed the phone down on my fingers, jerked it from my hand and broke it in half. I guess I dialed it in time because not too long after a sheriffs deputy pulled up in the drive. Thank goodness for GPS 911. I didn't press charges. I talked to the deputy and he told me I could have him involuntarily committed. All I wanted was the man I met back. After they left he swore he would go to rehab. I had given him the choice of going himself or my filing to have him sent. I guess anyone here knows already he didn't go. He convinced me he would just stop taking it so much and I could keep him bottle to give him just the amount prescribed. It didn't take long before he was in my face screaming I had no right to tell him what to do and he was buying Aderol (sp?) off a guy at work and using it the same way anyway. I gave him his bottle back and told him if he ended up in a coma or dead it was his fault. I was done trying to help him. He got worse and worse. He sat up for 2 weeks straight except for little pass outs at his computer. I sent the kids to my parents and I left. When I finally came back he swore he was off the Ritalin and he did actually seem clean. For a long time I honestly didn't think he was using it again. Then I realized he was just acting asleep til I fell asleep then getting back up. He wasn't picking at his face so much anymore just his arms and chest and keeping it covered and he just straight shaved his head. A few days after I came back I realized I was pregnant again. I had been trying to have more "us" time. He kept saying that was one of his problems. I didn't give him enough attention anymore. But every time I would try to watch a movie with just him and spend quality time something always came up. He had started going into working hours early and coming home hours late. And the night I found out I was pregnant I was sitting on the couch debating how to tell him. He had promised tonight he would spend time with me but I heard his cell ring. He comes out from the bedroom and heads straight outside. I thought it must be something important if he rushed out of the house like that so I went out the door behind him. I asked him who it was and he said it was none of my business. Well to make a long story short...he was on Ritalin again and taking the Aderol he bought at work and he was having a cyber/phone sex affair. I got into his email and read all the nasty things they said to each other. Read so many horrible things about me I almost didn't recognize that he was talking about me. Saying things I had said and done that I never had. All her pity of "it's her fault" the same things his grandmother kept saying. It was my fault for not taking the stresses off of him that made him feel like he had to have it. I found too that he had emptied an 8K savings account his grandmother had set up for him in less than a year. So I called her and said...I need help getting him help he won't listen to me. He's done this this and this and either he gets help or I have to leave. Trying to shorten the story more she was of no help but I finally got it in his head that was the last straw for me with his Ritalin use. Too bad it took that night of fighting and being knocked across the bedroom. But he did quit and he quit cold turkey. I went through the withdrawels with him. When he crashed and wanted to sleep all the time I took complete care of the kids alone. Our son ended up being born at 24 weeks weighing 1lb 8oz because of my health problems. During his 5 month stay in NICU his dad rarely went. The joke in the NICU was that my son would think the nurses were his dad. And during his stay in NICU my husband had started seeing a doctor for a shoulder injury. He went a few times, started getting the pain meds and muscle relaxers then stopped going. When that doctor stopped prescribing the meds because my husband wouldn't finish getting the treatment to actually fix it...he started going to a different doctor. That doctor wrote him several refills for vicodin and flexerils. I found his empty bottles in his car, did the math and found he had used 300 and some Vicodin in a week. Not counting the bottles i found for percocet from another doctor and butibital (sp?) from another place. He was going to different doctors and getting prescriptions filled at different drug stores. His excuse for so many gone? "I've been selling some at work too. I didnt' take all of those myself." Like knowing he was illegally selling would make me feel better. And I won't say I'm not almost as bad through all this. There were a couple times I had taken one of his Vicodins for a migraine. I have a compressed nerve at the base of my brain that incapacitates me when it hurts bad enough and sets of a chain reaction. I'm supposed to be on several things but without insurance it's hard to afford them. His grandmother still pays for him insurance. So there I was again having to try to monitor his use and he promised me he wasn't going to get involved in the lovely prescription sales going on with probably 75% of his jobs employees. And I've been doing that since. And he seemed fine. But here we are 7 months later and I think he's on something again. I still on ocassion take one of his for my head. I dont' want anyone thinking I'm not doing anything wrong. I've tried to get him to stop offering me any cause I need to just learn to deal with the pain and not take stuff. But he honestly will come up behind me shove one in my mouth and start pouring a drink in so I'll take it. Saying "you're in pain and I don't want you to hurt. Just take it!!!" But he's gotten worse in the last few weeks. My oldest daughter finally confided in me that my husband has been taking her and one of her brothers to a womans house I already knew about and knew was selling prescription drugs. And my daughter tells her grandpa "He gives mommy a little money but he gives that woman A LOT of money." And I'm at the point now that I really don't feel anything for him anymore. I told him I didn't give a rats a** what he did anymore cause he obviously only cared about himself but over my dead body would he involve my kids in it. "But I didn't transfer any of the drugs myself I just handed off the money for them." UGHHH! Just knowing what he's doing and handling the money for them is ilegal enough. And now he's coming home some nights with his eyes...I don't know how exactly to describe them. Almost like there's a thin layer of water coating them. They're all blood shot and even in a semi darker room his pupils are staying small. He can hardly hold his head up. His speech gets super slurred. And last night was the worst. I sat up all night watching over him because he refused to go to bed but kept falling asleep with a cig in his hand. At one point I woke him up and started asking him what all are you taking now and he starts rambling about...I couldn't make out what he was talking about. He jumped up and said he needed to call his grandma and as he's walking in circles in the kitchen I hear him saying the numbers he was dialing...they weren't his grandmothers. I asked him "Who in the h** are you trying to call?" "Doesn't the baby need better pain meds? I'll call the doctor and get some." Our son had two surgeries done yesterday and Tylenol wasn't helping him be more comfortable so yeah I had mentioned calling my sons doctor the next day if my son was still crying in pain. I told my husband "For one it's after 11 at night you're not going to get the baby's doctor and for two you said you were calling your grandmother." Ohhhhh right right right. And he called his grandmother. He walked through every room in the house closing every door behind him and back doing the same thing while talking to her. When he got off the phone I asked again WHAT ALL ARE YOU TAKING?! He tells me he can't hold his head up because he's just really tired and not getting enough sleep. Apparently sleeping until 1 or 3 in the afternoon isn't enough sleep. Then he tells me he took a Vicodin that morning before he left to stop by the hospital with a bottle for the baby, he took 4 more after he got home, and another 5 before I went to bed. I told him that was wayyy too many to take in one day. "They're just vic 10's." Then he starts changing his story about how many he took when. And i told him...I've been on so many different pain pills in my life I couldn't keep count and never once did I get like he was acting. So then he turned it back on me. "You take some of my pills and they're not yours. You're just as bad as me and have no room to talk." I told him I at most took one during a day. And only on days when the pain was about to make me end up just staying in bed. I know that isn't justification for my taking anything that isn't prescribed to me and most of the time it does make me feel like I have no right to say anything to him. But I'm at a loss. Maybe he isn't sleeping well enough for his time asleep to really feel worth much. Maybe that is why he has times that he can't hold his head up or speak coherently. I have 3 kids I completely understand sleep deprivation. I don't wanna jump to conclusions that he definitely is abusing something again. But I have to do something. I finally went to bed this morning and I heard the baby wake up. I looked over and saw my husband getting the baby out of his crib and I remember thinking "Ok if he's actually able to think to even get the baby whatever it is has worn off or maybe he got enough sleep to feel more awake." I don't know what time it was but he came busting through the bedroom door "WHERE IS THE BABY?!?" I jerked straight up and said "What do you mean where is the baby?! You had the baby!" And he runs back out of the door and I hear him go "Oh he fell in the floor." I'm not sure where my husband had put him / thought he had put him but the baby was face down on the floor. I don't know if this is a result of drugs or what. I thought maybe some one here would maybe recognize how he was acting and tell me if it's indicative of any drug. But it's starting to be a huge risk to my kids. I'm terrified to leave him no matter what it is. Every time I've tried in the past he's made sure to point out that his grandmother will pay for him the best attorney in town and knows half the judges. That I've taken some of his and he'll make sure I don't get the kids that he does. And one night he just glared at me and told me I didn't want to dare cross him and casually threw in that if I thought his grandparents had money his dad had even more and he had that backing him. If I leave him and he got the boys...I don't know what I would do. Right now at least I'm here I can try to protect them. I can make sure they're fed and not hurt. And he said if I left him and took the kids he would have me arrested for kidnapping. So my only recourse is to try to find what's going on with him and try to get him help. :praying
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Wishin' I was on the Beach!
Posts: 1,415
Welcome to SR Cantfindaname. You've found a great place for encouragement and support. Be sure to read the sticky posts at the top of the forum, especially "What Addicts Do". Learn all you can about addiction so you'll know what you are dealing with. Addiction is progressive, and if he's not working recovery, it WILL get worse. Keep reading and posting!
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
cantfindaname,
I just want to welcome you to Sober Recovery.
And just suggest one thing...STAY safe.
He sounds quite dangerous to me, and heaven only knows what he's using.
Stick around others will be along to welcome you,
Hugs
I just want to welcome you to Sober Recovery.
And just suggest one thing...STAY safe.
He sounds quite dangerous to me, and heaven only knows what he's using.
Stick around others will be along to welcome you,
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 4
Thank you for the welcome. I've debated for a while about posting on anything like this. I know there are people out there in a lot worse conditions than what I've been putting up with and felt silly for not being able to figure things out on my own.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Welcome, Please don't ever feel embarassed to post...We truly all experience pain...none greater or less than others...Addiction destroys so many lives, not just the addicts.
I agree with Moose...do whatever you need to do to stay safe and protect your little ones. It might help to start to make a just in case plan...Speak with a woman's shelter for some advice.
Keep reading...the more you read the more it will help ypu
I agree with Moose...do whatever you need to do to stay safe and protect your little ones. It might help to start to make a just in case plan...Speak with a woman's shelter for some advice.
Keep reading...the more you read the more it will help ypu
I'm HOME!!!!!
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Hot flash city
Posts: 573
(((Can't)))
Just wanted to welcome you to SR!!! There are many more here in like positions. My daughter is my addict, and let me tell you, they know how to manipulate things so you think everything is your fault. Do not feel guilty because you take the occasional pain pill. That is life!!! However, what he is doing is addiction!!
It sounds to me like your children are at risk. It's so difficult to finally have to admit to a loved one's addiction! As a mother, you've got to get the kids to a safe place. It's funny isn't it. If I asked you if you would take your children to a drug addict to watch over them, you would vehemently deny ever thinking about such a thing. But my friend, you are allowing them to live in a very toxic situation, and believe me, they see everything. Ohhh, not the little ones right now, but sounds like your daughter has seen a lot.
As mom's...it's our responsibility to protect them, not throw em in with the lions!! I know this is probably not what you want to hear, and I'm really not judging or telling you what you MUST do!! I removed my grandson from my daughters home when things had progressed to a point where I finally understood what was happening. Not soon enuf, as he had been subjected to some horrible things. The other consideration for you to think about, is if CPS gets notified and you lose your children because of his behavior.
I know you are terrified and trying to maintain, but we do things one step at a time. Read lots about addiction. It is progressive. As bad as it is right now, believe me when I say...it gets worse.
Just wanted to welcome you to SR!!! There are many more here in like positions. My daughter is my addict, and let me tell you, they know how to manipulate things so you think everything is your fault. Do not feel guilty because you take the occasional pain pill. That is life!!! However, what he is doing is addiction!!
It sounds to me like your children are at risk. It's so difficult to finally have to admit to a loved one's addiction! As a mother, you've got to get the kids to a safe place. It's funny isn't it. If I asked you if you would take your children to a drug addict to watch over them, you would vehemently deny ever thinking about such a thing. But my friend, you are allowing them to live in a very toxic situation, and believe me, they see everything. Ohhh, not the little ones right now, but sounds like your daughter has seen a lot.
As mom's...it's our responsibility to protect them, not throw em in with the lions!! I know this is probably not what you want to hear, and I'm really not judging or telling you what you MUST do!! I removed my grandson from my daughters home when things had progressed to a point where I finally understood what was happening. Not soon enuf, as he had been subjected to some horrible things. The other consideration for you to think about, is if CPS gets notified and you lose your children because of his behavior.
I know you are terrified and trying to maintain, but we do things one step at a time. Read lots about addiction. It is progressive. As bad as it is right now, believe me when I say...it gets worse.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: SC
Posts: 1,027
(((cantfind))) Hi! My husband is an addict to. Pills were also his drug of choice, xanax specifically. My husband had the jerky movements and the staying up all night and constantly fidgiting or moving or doing something, cause if he didn't he'd fall asleep. He'd just take so much xanax he'd be high as a kite and think no one could tell. Its ridiculous right?
I'm glad you came here, I am sure, like me, you were searching the net for someway, somehow to get him to stop using. I did that but what I found was help for me. I had it in my head that somehow I could either a) stop him from using completely or b) control how much he was using. I found out that I could do neither.
He didn't stop til he was ready. I don't think any addict stops until they are ready.
Also, I could read in your post where he tells you that you are just as bad as he is. Well, let me tell you, addicts are master manipulators and also can play the blame game better than anyone I know. My husband had me thinking I had just imagined seeing that little blue pill on the ground....that it wasn't really there. I thought I was going freaking crazy!
Also, when I first got here, someone told me to take what my husband was telling me about how much he was taking and double or possibly triple that number and that would be closer to the actual amount they are taking.
I feel like my post is all over the place so I am going to end it here. I just wanted to say welcome and so glad you are here. I do hope you decide to stick around.
I'm glad you came here, I am sure, like me, you were searching the net for someway, somehow to get him to stop using. I did that but what I found was help for me. I had it in my head that somehow I could either a) stop him from using completely or b) control how much he was using. I found out that I could do neither.
He didn't stop til he was ready. I don't think any addict stops until they are ready.
Also, I could read in your post where he tells you that you are just as bad as he is. Well, let me tell you, addicts are master manipulators and also can play the blame game better than anyone I know. My husband had me thinking I had just imagined seeing that little blue pill on the ground....that it wasn't really there. I thought I was going freaking crazy!
Also, when I first got here, someone told me to take what my husband was telling me about how much he was taking and double or possibly triple that number and that would be closer to the actual amount they are taking.
I feel like my post is all over the place so I am going to end it here. I just wanted to say welcome and so glad you are here. I do hope you decide to stick around.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Kalamazoo, MI
Posts: 69
"Well, let me tell you, addicts are master manipulators and also can play the blame game better than anyone I know. My husband had me thinking I had just imagined seeing that little blue pill on the ground....that it wasn't really there. I thought I was going freaking crazy! "
This is so true! My abf could make me believe almost anything. The forum here helps keep me thinking for myself.
Living with an addict, things change little by little until we don't recognize ourselves or our lives. How do we accept these things as normal?! We've all found ourselves in circumstances that we can't beleive that we began to accept as normal. Your situation sounds possibly unsafe. Is there someone outside your husband's family that you can talk to? Please keep yourself and your kids safe.
Please keep posting and reading.
:praying Molly
This is so true! My abf could make me believe almost anything. The forum here helps keep me thinking for myself.
Living with an addict, things change little by little until we don't recognize ourselves or our lives. How do we accept these things as normal?! We've all found ourselves in circumstances that we can't beleive that we began to accept as normal. Your situation sounds possibly unsafe. Is there someone outside your husband's family that you can talk to? Please keep yourself and your kids safe.
Please keep posting and reading.
:praying Molly
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 4
Thank you all for the welcomes and words. I tried to sit my husband down again last night. At first, I thought for once he was actually going to listen to me. He had thanked me for letting him sleep in because he had been so tired. I told him he wouldn't have been so tired if he hadn't taken whatever it was he had. I added that when he takes so much of something that he can't find the baby something is seriously wrong. He hung his head down and I thought "YES! FINALLY! He's going to admit he has a problem!" but out of his mouth came "I was just really tired. I knew where I put him and he wiggled out." I'll interject here why I didn't totally disbelieve the "wiggled out" part. I've watched our youngest son kick and squirm his way loose from his infant swing before and barely caught him before he hit the ground. I've seen him pull and struggle until he has had himself turned upside down while still strapped in his bouncy seat as well. I was just telling a nurse a few days ago I wished everything for infants came with shoulder straps and not just the ones around their waist. But anyway, I told him it wasn't just the incident with the baby. That I had to sit up all night watching him making sure he didn't burn the house down. I retold several of the things he did and he told me he remembered all of it but he was just "really tired." I said when people are tired they usually go to bed if they're at home and have the chance to. They don't go in circles in the kitchen rambling and not making sense. I stood up to walk out of the room and as I stood up I said "It's always one addiction or another with you and after a while it gets really old." He just hung his head down again and before I walked out of the room I turned back and said "I just wish you would admit to yourself you're an addict. You're a pill popper. Doesn't matter what kind of pill it is as long as you can get it in your hands and get some kind of high off it, you pop it." He didn't say a word to me. For a while I thought maybe he was pondering what I told him and maybe it would actually sink in. And maybe he did sit there actually thinking about what I said. But more likely he sat there thinking about how I was wrong. I tried to get to sleep. But I'm one of those people that the second I lay my head down every thing that I could worry about goes swirling through my head. My youngest's surgery he just had, my older boys appointments, my daughters problems in school, where in the world did the new kitten get to, did I over book my schedule again next week with appointments, all the way to straining to hear my youngest son breathe. I got back up and went back to the kitchen where my husband was still sitting. And here came his defense. "I only had that kind of reaction because I haven't been taking as many as I was and my tolerance is down. I'm sorry it won't happen again." I asked him if he hadn't been taking as many as he had been, and that in itself made me worry about what he had been taking, then why had there been several times over the last couple weeks where he had been like that? That in just the last week there had been 3 days like that just last night was by far the worst. "I'm in a lot of pain! My neck was killing me so I took something and I took too much. Do you want me in pain? And I took some flexeril's and that just made me more sleepy. They didn't help anyway. I guess you don't care if I'm in pain." I told him if he was honestly in so much pain he would follow through with the treatment he needed to get better. And I saw him sit up and take a breath and I knew what was about to come out. But I cut him off. "I don't want to hear your excuses of you don't have time. You have time to go to blockbuster every day. You have time to run "errands" for that guy. You have time to sleep until after 1 in the afternoon. You have time to take OUR CHILDREN to that womans house. You have time to do what the doctor told you to do but instead you spend your time chasing down whatever pill you can get from your other addict friends." And I was met with the usual about my taking one. I countered with my not taking every day...blah blah blah same excuses, same fight it's not going to end.
I feel like a hypocrit sitting here typing about what he's doing. When my first husband and I were married I became a virtual alcoholic. We were stationed thousands of miles away from every one and every thing I knew. The main thing to do where we were...drink. I drank all the time. I tried pot for the first time in my life. Luckily I got sick as a dog and threw up forever after and never wanted it again. Alcohol never did that to me. I never woke up with a hangover. It was rare that I'd actually throw up. When we finally moved back home it wasn't long after I found out that I was finally pregnant with our first daughter. We had been trying the 3 years we were away and I had been in a fertility clinic on post. I'd had several miscarriages that if it weren't for going to the clinic regularly and being tested I would have never known I was pregnant to begin with. But finally, there was that little line on the test and I just knew this time I would have a baby. I stopped drinking. And oh how tempting it was every time I walked by the beer section at a store. My sister is a nurse and tells me "Well, they say one glass of wine a day is actually good for you." But I knew me. I knew my weakness. My husband was a heavy drinker too but I wouldn't allow any alcohol in my house. I didn't want to risk any slip up period. I still had complication after complication. Spent months on bedrest at home and then over a month on bedrest in the hospital. She was due to be born on Valentines day the next year but instead made her entrance on Christmas day at 34 weeks. She came out with a strong cry and basically in good health. She spent a month and a half in NICU at the hospital. There were problems with bradicardia and apnea. There was a problem with low oxygen levels in her blood. I remember the day before they told us we could take her home asking the nurse "Is she sick? She has a bad stuffy nose and the mucous I suck out doesn't look good." "Babies are just mucousy she's fine." Just a few days after we brought her home I had taken her to church with me and her heart monitor alarm went off. Her heart had stopped. Just a little stimulation and she was "fine" but I still rushed home and put her back on her oxygen and pulse ox machine. Even with the oxygen her levels were staying too low. I called the pediatrician and they gave me a list of things to do and told me to bring her in first thing in the morning. To shorten the story...she had left the hospital with RSV. She was admitted back in the hospital to the PICU and died a few weeks later. It almost killed me. I didn't know what to do. I almost never slept. I kept seeing her face in front of me every where I went. I think I honestly did go a bit insane. I became suicidal where my family had to watch me all the time. It was still cold outside and every time someone hugged me and I felt their cold skin all I could think of was feeling the heat leaving her body as I held her after she was dead. I still have that flash in my mind when someone touches me with cold skin. Almost 9 years later the memory is still fresh in my mind. My husband convinced me to try again for another baby and just a couple months later I was pregnant again. When I found out I was pregnant it was like a light flashed on. I still missed my baby girl. I still wanted her back in my arms but now I had another little one coming and she deserved a mommy with her head on straight. She was born with no problems but when she was 3 months old I found out my husband was having an affair. I kicked him out. I didn't want to raise my daughter thinking it was ok for a woman to be treated bad. I wanted to be a good example for her. But I eventually cracked. I started leaving her with my parents or a baby sitter and started drinking again. No where near as much as I did in the past but I was drinking again. I made sure never to pick her up with any trace of a buzz. I never drank around her. I managed to keep that much sense about me but...I was drinking again. And it went on for a while until finally I looked at her one day and thought "What does your sister think of me?" She looked so very much like her sister. People couldn't tell their pictures apart. And they both looked so much like their dad. So I spent time by myself. I didn't drink. I just thought. I didn't want my daughter to look down from Heaven and be disappointed in me. And it finally occured to me that all alcohol did was give me a temporary moment of not caring. I wasn't dealing with everything that was happening. I wasn't dealing with the pain I felt from losing my baby girl then my husband. I would never learn to cope and never be a good mom as long as I let alcohol in my life. And I realized how much I had survived in my life. How strong I had always prided myself on being but by drinking I was being weak. And I got so dang ticked off at myself for being weak. I stopped drinking. And now years later I can manage to just have a glass of wine when I'm out to eat without the kids. And I don't want more than that one glass. I still don't bring it in the house. The temptation is still there at times and I don't want to cave when the kids are around. And I almost gave in one night after my youngest son was born and struggling to live. I bought a case of beer but found about 2 sips in the first one thinking..."He needs me. He's struggling just to live and my pain watching him is nothing compared to what he's going through." I poured it out and didn't hesitate doing it.
So I can't honestly sit here and act like I've never had a problem. I had a very real problem that sometimes tries to rear it's head back in to my life but so far...I'm hanging in there and not regretting it. I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder and circumstantial depression. I was actually able to stop taking medication for a while and learned to better deal with my anxiety without medication. But here in the last month I've had to go back on medication for anxiety. My anxiety attacks were back so bad that I was having them that seemed to just never end. A friend of mine is a doctor and called in a prescription for anxiety that was covered under the $4 WalMart plan so I could afford it. And I understand being in pain. I had a man slam me head first in to a concrete floor which damaged a nerve at the base of my brain and put a cervical disk out of alignment and then slam a door on my knee which did enough damage that I had to have surgery to fix it. For the brief time I had insurance I found out about the nerve, the disk and needing surgery and that apparently I was having mild seizures and rupturing blood vessles in my head that were leaving large calcium deposits all around my brain. The surgery for my knee revealed the fact that I have a blood clotting disorder. I ended up with a clot from my knee to my ankle that eventually broke off and went into both my lungs and almost killed me. I spent so much time confined to bed that when I was finally able to get up I had shortened tendons in my knee. I couldn't bend or straighten it. I was on a walker for a long time then a cane for another year. All the time of having to baby that leg I ended up with atrophe in my quad but I didn't know. I started working my knee trying to get to walk again but having the atrophe I ended up grinding down the bone below my knee. So I know what pain is. And not having insurance and the medications I need for seizures and pain aren't on the WalMart plan so I know what it's like to deal with pain. And I hate having to take pills. I've had to take so many in my life that I cringe at the thought of being on a prescription. At one point during my last pregnancy my window sill above the sink was full of bottles and needles for all the things I had to take. So when dealing with my husbands pill popping I can't help but think about my problem with alcohol and knowing how hard a problem can be. When he talks about pain I know how much pain I'm in on almost a daily basis and can't help but feel sorry for him. I don't have insurance and have to deal with it. He does through his grandmother so at least he can do something about his. If I had insurance would I want someone telling me not to take the things I need? But then the realization comes that if I did have insurance again I wouldn't just be getting the pain pills. I would be back in physical therapy for my knee to actually fix it. I would be back in physical therapy for my neck. I want to actually FIX what's wrong with me so I can go back to having a more mobile life. I want to be able to get in the floor with my boys and bounce them around like I was able to do with my daughter. I want to be able to run and play in the yard with my kids. I don't want to feel so broken down and so bad on some days that the sounds of my kids laughing doesn't start my head throbbing. He...just wants a high. And when I think that I get so mad at him I can't stand it. I get so dang jealous. He has huge bank accounts from his family backing and helping him. He can fix what's wrong. He can do what he wants. And he takes all of it for granted. And I get so mad at myself for being jealous. I've tried to adhere myself to a belief that sometimes people don't get what they want or even need but to make the best out of what they have and be grateful for what they have. And my being jealous is going against that belief.
There isn't much of me that still has any feeling for my husband. I don't look at him like I once did. When he's gone to do whatever it is he does through the day...I'm relieved. I don't allow him to be with the kids alone anymore. If I'm feeling too bad to go with my daughter to karate class she doesn't go. I'd rather let him sleep all day and take care of everything myself than to have him watch the kids. Coming up soon there's a day that I have so much going on that I'm going to have to let him take one of the kids to an appointment so I can be at another one and it scares me. I worked the appointments as well as I could so he wouldn't be alone with one kid for more time than absolutely had to. But there is still a little part of me in love with the man he used to be. And sometimes he does something that reminds me why I fell in love with him to begin with. He'll rub my back or my neck when I'm hurting. When I'm down with a migraine he'll bring my food to me so I don't have to get up. Little things. I'm clinging to little things. And through our marriage I've always kept a tally of good vs bad but in the last couple years the bad keeps adding up. He thought I was asleep last night but I was watching him in the light of his computer monitor. I laid there thinking "Do I really want to spend my life like this? Do I really want to cling so tightly to his moments of being who he was? Can I handle a life of always scared and most of the time upset? And if I leave him will he get the kids? How am I going to be there for them if he does? Can I survive not knowing if my kids are okay? With my health how it is how can I manage being a single mom again if I did manage to keep my kids?" I'm so terrified that with all his connections and all the money backing him that if I did leave him I wouldn't keep my kids. And he's pointed it out over and over that if he threw me out and I ended up with no where to go social services would never let me keep them. And if he throws me out or I leave I won't have any where to go. How would social services let me keep my kids if they have me basically homeless and him having resources to give the kids everything they need? He tells me all the time that even if he was the one to leave our house that his grandmother would stop paying the rent and they had already talked to the landlord that as soon as he was gone to give me a 30 day notice to get out. His grandmother has already hired him 3 of the best attorneys in town for various things. One being he was so high one night he tried to just walk out of a store carrying a plasma TV and was arrested. I don't have any resources. I was raised poor and I'm still poor. All I have are my kids and how much I love them.
I feel lost and traped and hopeless. All I have to reassure me if something did happen is the promise my ex husband made that if anything ever did happen to me or if for any reason I wasn't able to watch over my kids that he would watch over them from a distance. He spent the last three years in Iraq and was a bounty hunter before being sent over. So I know he can watch over my boys without my husband knowing. And he promised me that he would always do whatever he could to make sure they were taken care of if I couldn't.
I ended up going on a lot more than I had meant to. I'm sorry for prattling on at such length.
I feel like a hypocrit sitting here typing about what he's doing. When my first husband and I were married I became a virtual alcoholic. We were stationed thousands of miles away from every one and every thing I knew. The main thing to do where we were...drink. I drank all the time. I tried pot for the first time in my life. Luckily I got sick as a dog and threw up forever after and never wanted it again. Alcohol never did that to me. I never woke up with a hangover. It was rare that I'd actually throw up. When we finally moved back home it wasn't long after I found out that I was finally pregnant with our first daughter. We had been trying the 3 years we were away and I had been in a fertility clinic on post. I'd had several miscarriages that if it weren't for going to the clinic regularly and being tested I would have never known I was pregnant to begin with. But finally, there was that little line on the test and I just knew this time I would have a baby. I stopped drinking. And oh how tempting it was every time I walked by the beer section at a store. My sister is a nurse and tells me "Well, they say one glass of wine a day is actually good for you." But I knew me. I knew my weakness. My husband was a heavy drinker too but I wouldn't allow any alcohol in my house. I didn't want to risk any slip up period. I still had complication after complication. Spent months on bedrest at home and then over a month on bedrest in the hospital. She was due to be born on Valentines day the next year but instead made her entrance on Christmas day at 34 weeks. She came out with a strong cry and basically in good health. She spent a month and a half in NICU at the hospital. There were problems with bradicardia and apnea. There was a problem with low oxygen levels in her blood. I remember the day before they told us we could take her home asking the nurse "Is she sick? She has a bad stuffy nose and the mucous I suck out doesn't look good." "Babies are just mucousy she's fine." Just a few days after we brought her home I had taken her to church with me and her heart monitor alarm went off. Her heart had stopped. Just a little stimulation and she was "fine" but I still rushed home and put her back on her oxygen and pulse ox machine. Even with the oxygen her levels were staying too low. I called the pediatrician and they gave me a list of things to do and told me to bring her in first thing in the morning. To shorten the story...she had left the hospital with RSV. She was admitted back in the hospital to the PICU and died a few weeks later. It almost killed me. I didn't know what to do. I almost never slept. I kept seeing her face in front of me every where I went. I think I honestly did go a bit insane. I became suicidal where my family had to watch me all the time. It was still cold outside and every time someone hugged me and I felt their cold skin all I could think of was feeling the heat leaving her body as I held her after she was dead. I still have that flash in my mind when someone touches me with cold skin. Almost 9 years later the memory is still fresh in my mind. My husband convinced me to try again for another baby and just a couple months later I was pregnant again. When I found out I was pregnant it was like a light flashed on. I still missed my baby girl. I still wanted her back in my arms but now I had another little one coming and she deserved a mommy with her head on straight. She was born with no problems but when she was 3 months old I found out my husband was having an affair. I kicked him out. I didn't want to raise my daughter thinking it was ok for a woman to be treated bad. I wanted to be a good example for her. But I eventually cracked. I started leaving her with my parents or a baby sitter and started drinking again. No where near as much as I did in the past but I was drinking again. I made sure never to pick her up with any trace of a buzz. I never drank around her. I managed to keep that much sense about me but...I was drinking again. And it went on for a while until finally I looked at her one day and thought "What does your sister think of me?" She looked so very much like her sister. People couldn't tell their pictures apart. And they both looked so much like their dad. So I spent time by myself. I didn't drink. I just thought. I didn't want my daughter to look down from Heaven and be disappointed in me. And it finally occured to me that all alcohol did was give me a temporary moment of not caring. I wasn't dealing with everything that was happening. I wasn't dealing with the pain I felt from losing my baby girl then my husband. I would never learn to cope and never be a good mom as long as I let alcohol in my life. And I realized how much I had survived in my life. How strong I had always prided myself on being but by drinking I was being weak. And I got so dang ticked off at myself for being weak. I stopped drinking. And now years later I can manage to just have a glass of wine when I'm out to eat without the kids. And I don't want more than that one glass. I still don't bring it in the house. The temptation is still there at times and I don't want to cave when the kids are around. And I almost gave in one night after my youngest son was born and struggling to live. I bought a case of beer but found about 2 sips in the first one thinking..."He needs me. He's struggling just to live and my pain watching him is nothing compared to what he's going through." I poured it out and didn't hesitate doing it.
So I can't honestly sit here and act like I've never had a problem. I had a very real problem that sometimes tries to rear it's head back in to my life but so far...I'm hanging in there and not regretting it. I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder and circumstantial depression. I was actually able to stop taking medication for a while and learned to better deal with my anxiety without medication. But here in the last month I've had to go back on medication for anxiety. My anxiety attacks were back so bad that I was having them that seemed to just never end. A friend of mine is a doctor and called in a prescription for anxiety that was covered under the $4 WalMart plan so I could afford it. And I understand being in pain. I had a man slam me head first in to a concrete floor which damaged a nerve at the base of my brain and put a cervical disk out of alignment and then slam a door on my knee which did enough damage that I had to have surgery to fix it. For the brief time I had insurance I found out about the nerve, the disk and needing surgery and that apparently I was having mild seizures and rupturing blood vessles in my head that were leaving large calcium deposits all around my brain. The surgery for my knee revealed the fact that I have a blood clotting disorder. I ended up with a clot from my knee to my ankle that eventually broke off and went into both my lungs and almost killed me. I spent so much time confined to bed that when I was finally able to get up I had shortened tendons in my knee. I couldn't bend or straighten it. I was on a walker for a long time then a cane for another year. All the time of having to baby that leg I ended up with atrophe in my quad but I didn't know. I started working my knee trying to get to walk again but having the atrophe I ended up grinding down the bone below my knee. So I know what pain is. And not having insurance and the medications I need for seizures and pain aren't on the WalMart plan so I know what it's like to deal with pain. And I hate having to take pills. I've had to take so many in my life that I cringe at the thought of being on a prescription. At one point during my last pregnancy my window sill above the sink was full of bottles and needles for all the things I had to take. So when dealing with my husbands pill popping I can't help but think about my problem with alcohol and knowing how hard a problem can be. When he talks about pain I know how much pain I'm in on almost a daily basis and can't help but feel sorry for him. I don't have insurance and have to deal with it. He does through his grandmother so at least he can do something about his. If I had insurance would I want someone telling me not to take the things I need? But then the realization comes that if I did have insurance again I wouldn't just be getting the pain pills. I would be back in physical therapy for my knee to actually fix it. I would be back in physical therapy for my neck. I want to actually FIX what's wrong with me so I can go back to having a more mobile life. I want to be able to get in the floor with my boys and bounce them around like I was able to do with my daughter. I want to be able to run and play in the yard with my kids. I don't want to feel so broken down and so bad on some days that the sounds of my kids laughing doesn't start my head throbbing. He...just wants a high. And when I think that I get so mad at him I can't stand it. I get so dang jealous. He has huge bank accounts from his family backing and helping him. He can fix what's wrong. He can do what he wants. And he takes all of it for granted. And I get so mad at myself for being jealous. I've tried to adhere myself to a belief that sometimes people don't get what they want or even need but to make the best out of what they have and be grateful for what they have. And my being jealous is going against that belief.
There isn't much of me that still has any feeling for my husband. I don't look at him like I once did. When he's gone to do whatever it is he does through the day...I'm relieved. I don't allow him to be with the kids alone anymore. If I'm feeling too bad to go with my daughter to karate class she doesn't go. I'd rather let him sleep all day and take care of everything myself than to have him watch the kids. Coming up soon there's a day that I have so much going on that I'm going to have to let him take one of the kids to an appointment so I can be at another one and it scares me. I worked the appointments as well as I could so he wouldn't be alone with one kid for more time than absolutely had to. But there is still a little part of me in love with the man he used to be. And sometimes he does something that reminds me why I fell in love with him to begin with. He'll rub my back or my neck when I'm hurting. When I'm down with a migraine he'll bring my food to me so I don't have to get up. Little things. I'm clinging to little things. And through our marriage I've always kept a tally of good vs bad but in the last couple years the bad keeps adding up. He thought I was asleep last night but I was watching him in the light of his computer monitor. I laid there thinking "Do I really want to spend my life like this? Do I really want to cling so tightly to his moments of being who he was? Can I handle a life of always scared and most of the time upset? And if I leave him will he get the kids? How am I going to be there for them if he does? Can I survive not knowing if my kids are okay? With my health how it is how can I manage being a single mom again if I did manage to keep my kids?" I'm so terrified that with all his connections and all the money backing him that if I did leave him I wouldn't keep my kids. And he's pointed it out over and over that if he threw me out and I ended up with no where to go social services would never let me keep them. And if he throws me out or I leave I won't have any where to go. How would social services let me keep my kids if they have me basically homeless and him having resources to give the kids everything they need? He tells me all the time that even if he was the one to leave our house that his grandmother would stop paying the rent and they had already talked to the landlord that as soon as he was gone to give me a 30 day notice to get out. His grandmother has already hired him 3 of the best attorneys in town for various things. One being he was so high one night he tried to just walk out of a store carrying a plasma TV and was arrested. I don't have any resources. I was raised poor and I'm still poor. All I have are my kids and how much I love them.
I feel lost and traped and hopeless. All I have to reassure me if something did happen is the promise my ex husband made that if anything ever did happen to me or if for any reason I wasn't able to watch over my kids that he would watch over them from a distance. He spent the last three years in Iraq and was a bounty hunter before being sent over. So I know he can watch over my boys without my husband knowing. And he promised me that he would always do whatever he could to make sure they were taken care of if I couldn't.
I ended up going on a lot more than I had meant to. I'm sorry for prattling on at such length.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
