New and lost

Old 11-15-2007, 12:17 PM
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New and lost

Hi,

I am feeling at a loss as to what to write and I feel lost in this whole process. I am a mother of 3 and been married for over 5yrs. I just found out a week and a half ago that my husband started using drugs in August of this year. He has totally changed. I feel completely alone and overwhelmed. I don't feel comfortable in sharing details yet about it all but I need to hear from others that understand. I never thought this would be something I would have to deal with. I feel like my whole world is crumbling around me.
Nikki
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Old 11-15-2007, 12:28 PM
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You are not alone, there is so many people here going through the same thing. A very good place to get advice.
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Old 11-15-2007, 12:59 PM
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I am pretty new to this site, but unfortunately not new to loving an addict/alcoholic. I think actually I just found this about 3 weeks ago.
Anyway, I have been amazed at how non-judgemental people here are and how helpful.
Most everyone will tell you to go to a meeting of some sort.
Trust in the people here, we have all been there, done that!
None of us really ever thought we would be here either, but we are and this is a wonderful place for support and inspiration!
Good luck and hope to hear see more of your posts.
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Old 11-15-2007, 01:37 PM
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Hello
I know what you are going through right now. I went through the same situation about 2 weeks ago. My husband of 6 years used cocaine, and I found out because he is not a good liar. We went to a substance abuse therapy and I was told that my husband is an addict and that it is incurable (people can stay clean for life, but they must not do it at all). In his case he is also an alcoholic, but I never saw it that way I just thought he liked to drink. He did not drink every day , but when he did he drank alot. In many cases addiction is hereditary (that is my husband's case) his father was an alcoholic and his uncles and grandparents too. When we were dating witch we did for 3 years, on the 3rd year he was lying alot, sometimes I could not find him for a couple of days, when I went to see him home he would try to send me home early, I always thought he was seeing somebody else or just with the guys ( that is bad too) It never crossed my mind that he was doing cocaine and he was always broke overdrawn......I loved him so much that I married him any way I just could not picture my life without him. Well 2 weeks ago (6 years later) he was feeling the need to use it again and unfortunately I found out and he told me all about how bad it was when we were dating. A few months ago I noticed a change on behavior, he was very irritable, if I said one thing he would snap and he would find an excuse to live the house alone. I thought that I was going to go crazy thinking that it was my fault and this happened always after he had a few drinks. He feels the need to use after a few drinks so I got rid of all the alcohol, no alcohol is allowed in my house.
I feel very sad and devastated I think I have cried everyday for the past 2 weeks. Therapy is helping, but I have bad days where I just want to open the door and run away because I am very disappointed he has broken my heart in 1 million pieces. I have 2 small children and I just don't know if I want to do this for life because I would have to make sure that he is not using..... he says that he wont do it again, but that is hard to believe because on top of it I have to make sure that he doesn't drink.
Try to educate your self about addiction therapy is helping so look for a support group and make sure that he has no cash on him. When my husband used, he spent AL the cash that he had. I know it hurts but be strong you did not do this. this is not your fault. I don't know how often your husband is using, but remember the more he does it, the worst it will get so please find help don't do it for him, do it for you and your kids.
If he is doing cocaine, I was told by the therapist that cocaine is the most addictive drug out there and that the more he does it, his brain is going to want it more. I was also told that addiction is a disease she told me to look at my husband as somebody that has cancer would not you take care of him???. She is not saying that what he did is OK she just wants me to understand addiction.
She also told me that the process is going to be hard alot of work from his part. I want to stay with him because I love him he is a very nice person, very loving I just don't understand why he made this choice??
Sorry that I wrote this long but I know how you feel please find help for your self and if you have to cry just do it.
My husband and I are young we are only 28 years old so I have a whole life ahead and I hope that he gets better because I don't know if I want to do this for ever.
I hope this helps
Ruth
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Old 11-15-2007, 01:46 PM
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If you want to help him or stay with him go for it remember that love can d it all. He might want to stop an get better please dont loose hope!!!!!
Ruth
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Old 11-15-2007, 03:55 PM
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I am so sorry that you too have to find a place like this because of an addict but I will tell you that this is the best bunch of people you will ever find. I came here looking for people who had experienced the problems that I had with my AD and feel more at home here as each day goes by. Please stick around and read..read..and..read again. There is so much knowledge in this forum!!
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Old 11-15-2007, 04:46 PM
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Welcome, Nikki. Read the sticky posts at the top of the forum... learn all you can about addiction, so you know what you are dealing with. Keep reading and posting. You are among a caring group of people who have walked in your shoes.
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Old 11-15-2007, 04:48 PM
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(((((Nikki)))))


So sorry for the news about your husband. A terrible shock, I'm sure.
I was married once, to an alcoholic, who smoked pot. It lasted about 10 years.
Off and on. More off than on, cause I couldn't keep him at home. lol
That was 17 years ago. Today, it's my son.
He turned 26 today. He's sober for today, thank God.
Yet, what brought me here was my need to control his situation and fix him.
I was wracked with guilt. I was his mom. How could I let this happen?
Thank God for soberrecovery, all the people here, Melodie Beattie, and many others,
who have walked the recovery path from codependency.
You'll learn that later. lol
Your really in a great place here and I suggest you start going to alanon meetings, too. The more you know, the better your gonna start feelin'.
Sending prayers, hugs, and support, out to you and your family. I pray that your husband finds a path to sobriety soon. For now, focus on you and your children.
Let your HP (Higher Power) take care of your hubby.
Keep comin' back and I'm glad we're here together.
A new sr friend,
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Old 11-15-2007, 04:50 PM
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Hi Nikki,
Welcome to Sober Recovery.
Sorry about the reasons that lead you here, but I'm glad you found us.
I'm the mom of 2 adult addict sons.


Stick around, sweetie, others will be here to welcome you,
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Old 11-15-2007, 07:17 PM
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You've come to exactly the right place! I welcome you and want you to know that this very place has helped me so very much I can't even begin to place a value on the help I have received. It's priceless.
You will learn how to deal with the addict here.
I do hope you get into a local alanon or naranon meeting. It will help you even more.
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Old 11-15-2007, 07:54 PM
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welcome to S.R you are not alone ay more. we all have an addict in our life that is why we are here. we r here to support you through this. i am sorry it has happened. my addict is my son.do not feel ashamed by your husbands actions. the 3c's are, you did not CAUSE it,you can not CONTROL it & you can not CURE it. there is not anything you can do to keep him clean. read around,read the stickys at the top of the page. i hope your husband will go to meetings. i am a firm believer that they can not get clean after they have opened pandoras box without them.find an naranon or an alanon meeting for yourself.they help alot.learn to take care of yourself & please keep coming back here. sending prayers up for u & your husband.
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Old 11-15-2007, 08:50 PM
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Thank you everyone. Your words help so much.

I do have a question and I hope it doesn't sound like a stupid one. How long does a person have to do drugs and how often to be considered an addict? My husband admitted to doing some when he was younger, early 20's late teens. And when he ran in to his old buddy(how he can call anyone who helps to destroy a person and their family a buddy I have no idea) this summer who used to sell him the drugs when he was younger and found out that he was still dealing he said he didn't think it would hurt to do it just once. He said the drugs he took were cocaine(sp?) and Acid. I know nothing about these things. I have never done drugs of any sort. He said since August he has been doing it once or twice a week till about a month ago. He says his last hit was 2 days before our 3rd child was born. Yup I am dealing with this and a new born too. He had a pee test a week ago Monday and it came negative for any drugs. Which made me very happy. We have a good friend who is also a doctor. He has set it up for my husband to have a test every week. He just had another one today and I will recieve the results tomorrow. So if my husband is being honest he has been clean for almost a month.

He is taking meds for anger management and depression and anxiety. He is in therapy, one is couples therapy and another is a drug therapy program, he is scheduled to go to an 18 day treatment program in Decemeber. He will be away this Christmas for it but I think beating this is more important. He set all this up himself with the help of our family friend and our church when I told him since we have kids he will only get one chance because I can't risk the children. Does that make me an awful person? That I will only give him one chance?

Part of me wonders if this is some how my fault.

How can I help him succeed with his treatment? He says and seems to be doing what he needs to(I think) to try and beat this before it gets uncontrolable. I just don't know what to expect or do.

Nikki
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Old 11-15-2007, 09:39 PM
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dear nikki...
please first know that it is absolutely not your fault!!! i am the mother of a 16 yr old addict daughter. i am also new to this forum. i honestly can't give you alot of advise, because i am not honestly at a point with my own family that i feel like i know enough!! but the things i know that made me feel better we're researching all the drugs my daughter was doing, knowing the signs of drug use, and most recently finding this forum. i just wanted to let you know you are not alone, and there are ALOT of very wise and compassionate people here to help you through this time.~~again.......you are not alone!
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Old 11-15-2007, 09:57 PM
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Hello nikki
You are doing the right thing and I am happy to hear that he wants to get better. In my opinion he is an addict, but don't worry if he wants to get help, you are in the right track.

I did not know anything about cocaine my self, I never did drugs in my life. I have learned a few things after my husband told me the truth about his addiction.
-cocaine is the most addictive drug out there (I read it online and I was told by other people, I don't know anything about acid)
-It takes about 3 days (72 hours to come out of your system) with a blood test it can show for up to 30 days, but if I am wrong please somebody correct me.
You have to do what you think s right for your self. Please don't blame your self he made the choice, you did not make him. He is an adult he knows what is right or wrong.
Like I told you before my husband admitted to doing drugs on his early twenties and he stopped for 6 years and then he went back to it he as not done it for 2 weeks.
I think he got addicted to it because e was doing it a few times a week. The change of behavior is not because of you it is because the drugs he did. Nothing about you has changed in his mind I am 100% sure that he loves you and your children. At first I felt that he did not love me (and I still do sometimes), but this is a long process that with the help of friends and family will make you feel better. I am glad to know that you guys are going to therapy it is helping me slowly but surely.
You are not an awful person, I too wanted to leave my husband, you have gone through alot this past 2 weeks + baby it is a lot to deal with, just take one day at the time I know is hard (it is hard for me. I go through my ups and downs, love-hate-sad-sorry-love....).
I feel the same way you do and it is hard because I cant picture my life without him. It sounds that your husband really wants to stop. Read my post a lot of support there because I had (have) the same concerns.
Go online and find info about the drugs, it will help you understand
Ruth
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Old 11-15-2007, 10:21 PM
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Nikki:

Nar-Anon has helped me survive the insanity of loving an addict, have you looked into meetings in your area? I have learned a lot and hope you'll check it out to save your own life. Remember, the airline instructions to parents state that you should put the oxygen mask on yourself first so that you can be healthy enough to save your children. Nar-Anon will provide you with the tools, but you've got to use them.

Blessings!
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Old 11-16-2007, 04:24 AM
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this is not your fault. i truely hope he gets clean again & stays that way. you are not an awful person.the road with an addcit is long & hard. it is your choice to leave if he does not stay clean.prayers for u both.
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Old 11-16-2007, 05:30 AM
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Just wanted to add my welcome. Read the sticky's at the top of the pages. Remember the 3 C's

You didn't Cause it
You can't Control it and sadly
You can't CURE it
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Old 11-16-2007, 05:38 AM
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Hi nikki--

I wanted to add my welcome and to also urge you to read the sticky's up top. They have a wealth of information.

My husband is an addict too. He is currently in recovery. From what you write, it sounds as if your husband is making all the right decisions on getting help. Only you will know as his actions will change if he is truly walking the walk.

I am glad you joined us and hope you stick around. Also, the suggestion to hit a few meetings is a great one. (((nikki)))
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Old 11-16-2007, 08:17 AM
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Thank you so much everyone. I will look into finding some meetings. Hopefully there are some here. I live in a small town and not much is offered. To go to couples therapy we have to go to a city an hour away. Which is why I came looking for a place like this.

Things are just so hard right now. Even with all these things he has set up and is doing to try and help himself he still has a huge anger problem. On Saturday the police had to be called and he was brought up on charges of domestic violence for grabbing me and hurting my hand/wrist. He is not allowed near me or the house till next week after he goes to court. From what people tell me he is pleading guilty and wants to come home. He admitted everything to the police too. So I feel like a single parent right now to all 3 of my kids. And to top it off he is lieing to people about what happened to get sympathy and help. People are starting to look at me badly for charging him.

I am feeling guilty about it all. I just want my family back to the way it was. I want my husband back to the way he was. And I have no idea what to do to do that.
Nikki
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Old 11-16-2007, 09:08 AM
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Do not feel guilty - remember he is the one with anger and addiction problems, you just happen to love him and want what is best for him.
If you are in danger never hesitate to take the appropriate steps to keep you and your children safe!
Stay strong, pray and continue to read, it helps!!
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