A Decision I am Grateful for Having Made....
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Join Date: Nov 2003
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A Decision I am Grateful for Having Made....
When I was 15 years old, I decided I never wanted children. While some people will find that a flaw in me, I am eternally grateful I made that decision (especially coming to these boards!!!). My decision was based on the business of having children being a life long job AND the confining nature of having a baby around.. for YEARS...
I hated baby sitting. I did not like kids. I STILL don't like kids and I have no natural connection to them. Babies are cute.. as long as they are yours... I am OK with well behaved kids, but if I take public transportation and someone with kids sits near me, I MOVE.. (screaming kids and ill behavior is not within my patience range and good behavior can change to bad on a whim!).
As soon as a doctor would do it, I made sure surgery would insure I would not have any children. It was the most freeing thing I could have ever done for myself.
Today, 37 years later, I must say I am even more grateful I have not brought another human being into this world. We have a drug problem that seems to be truly out of control. I read posts here over and over by GOOD parents who have kids that have taken a wrong turn and all the heart ache they have over their wrong turn kids.
In addition to drugs, the world is facing other problems (like the end of the "oil age" and there are no good answers on the horizon..) I am glad I am not handing this mess to any kids I might have had!
All in all, I think NOT having children is a real option and, in looking at the cost (estimate of $260,000 to get a kid to age 18.. so it does not include college!) and the concerns and all the rest, I must say I cannot imagine why anyone today would want to have children.
I realize this is not the opinion held by many and I am prepared to be roasted for thinking this way.. but I can tell you my childless life is anything but empty and I am so grateful for my freedom.. each and every day.
I hated baby sitting. I did not like kids. I STILL don't like kids and I have no natural connection to them. Babies are cute.. as long as they are yours... I am OK with well behaved kids, but if I take public transportation and someone with kids sits near me, I MOVE.. (screaming kids and ill behavior is not within my patience range and good behavior can change to bad on a whim!).
As soon as a doctor would do it, I made sure surgery would insure I would not have any children. It was the most freeing thing I could have ever done for myself.
Today, 37 years later, I must say I am even more grateful I have not brought another human being into this world. We have a drug problem that seems to be truly out of control. I read posts here over and over by GOOD parents who have kids that have taken a wrong turn and all the heart ache they have over their wrong turn kids.
In addition to drugs, the world is facing other problems (like the end of the "oil age" and there are no good answers on the horizon..) I am glad I am not handing this mess to any kids I might have had!
All in all, I think NOT having children is a real option and, in looking at the cost (estimate of $260,000 to get a kid to age 18.. so it does not include college!) and the concerns and all the rest, I must say I cannot imagine why anyone today would want to have children.
I realize this is not the opinion held by many and I am prepared to be roasted for thinking this way.. but I can tell you my childless life is anything but empty and I am so grateful for my freedom.. each and every day.
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Join Date: Aug 2002
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Elana,
I am NOT going to roast you. Not at all! I have many friends who are childless, some by fate and some by choice. And they would say the same thing- that their lives are rich and full and they too are grateful for their freedoms. They are able to "choose" their families.
With that said, I am glad that I am a mom to my 2 sons. I had them when I was in my early 20s and now they are both adults. They each have their own set of challenges, but my recovery has taught me how to set and maintain boundaries and how to detach with love. I can't imagine my life without them!
This is a great post, and I expect some lively debate. I hope others are able to join in and share their own experiences and ideas without being hateful or judgmental.
Hugs
Cats
I am NOT going to roast you. Not at all! I have many friends who are childless, some by fate and some by choice. And they would say the same thing- that their lives are rich and full and they too are grateful for their freedoms. They are able to "choose" their families.
With that said, I am glad that I am a mom to my 2 sons. I had them when I was in my early 20s and now they are both adults. They each have their own set of challenges, but my recovery has taught me how to set and maintain boundaries and how to detach with love. I can't imagine my life without them!
This is a great post, and I expect some lively debate. I hope others are able to join in and share their own experiences and ideas without being hateful or judgmental.
Hugs
Cats
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
elana, you made the right decision for you & that is ok.i have 3 children. i have a son that is retired military & plans to retire military again. i have a daughter that has professional job & then my addict son that is a total disgrace to me. i love my kids & even my addict son unconditionally. i can not see life without them. i will agree with you,the world has is not a good place but it is not all the children that make it this way. it is the adults also. how many public places have you been that you see the adults out of control? on this board u find the husbands,wifes,sisters,brothers, mothers,fathers, alot of grown people & some children posting about their parents. i am not judging you just making a point. hugs,
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Elana, I don't think having children is for everyone, and it is certainly a personal choice (including those unable to bear children but could adopt).
God did not bless me with a birth child, and as you know, my foster child is today an adult lost in his addiction somewhere. If I knew then what I know now, would I have taken him in? You betcha. Life is a toss of the dice sometimes, but even with the crapouts in mine, I wouldn't trade lives with anyone.
That said, I also enjoy my freedom today. I like to travel, I like my work and I like my life today. But the thing is, without an addicted child I would never have found what led me to the good place I am in today, a place of gratitude and light.
In a perfect world, all children would be healthy and problem free, and each parent would have good health and enough money to raise them with all the privileges that any parent would like a child to have. But it's not a perfect world, however it is a world where we each have choices and making the choices in life that are right for us is really all that matters, yes?
I respect your choice and admire your willingness to just be honest about how you feel. Having children is not for everyone but I still love children and babies and the concept of "family". It's just how I am.
Hugs
God did not bless me with a birth child, and as you know, my foster child is today an adult lost in his addiction somewhere. If I knew then what I know now, would I have taken him in? You betcha. Life is a toss of the dice sometimes, but even with the crapouts in mine, I wouldn't trade lives with anyone.
That said, I also enjoy my freedom today. I like to travel, I like my work and I like my life today. But the thing is, without an addicted child I would never have found what led me to the good place I am in today, a place of gratitude and light.
In a perfect world, all children would be healthy and problem free, and each parent would have good health and enough money to raise them with all the privileges that any parent would like a child to have. But it's not a perfect world, however it is a world where we each have choices and making the choices in life that are right for us is really all that matters, yes?
I respect your choice and admire your willingness to just be honest about how you feel. Having children is not for everyone but I still love children and babies and the concept of "family". It's just how I am.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Falling Waters, WV
Posts: 150
Roasting time...oppss only for marshmellows!! I would not judge you for not wanting children, this is ones personal choice. I will however let you know that I do have children and I still get annoyed at screaming children in public places even though mine have done so. Out of 6 children that my parents had, my oldest sister made the same decission as you did. Did I think less of her for her decission, no..because it was her choice. Sometimes I look at the life that she has, carefree no one depending on her and envy her in that way, but would I trade her lifestyle for mine...Not on your life! I love all of my children and grandchildren too. Together my husband and I have a total of 7 children - his, mine and ours. Some days I pray for a quiet house and other days I wouldn't know what to do without the kids distrupting or being involved in my everyday life.
To each his own, that is why this is called America!!
To each his own, that is why this is called America!!
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
I really think its all about finding joy in life and having choices.
I wouldn't change the fact that I have three kids for anything but wow have there been times when I asked myself "What were you THINKING?!"
But flaws and all, I believe that my kids make this world a better place and me a better person having been made to share my world. And that perfect or not...life is a gift.
((((Hugs))))
Cece
I wouldn't change the fact that I have three kids for anything but wow have there been times when I asked myself "What were you THINKING?!"
But flaws and all, I believe that my kids make this world a better place and me a better person having been made to share my world. And that perfect or not...life is a gift.
((((Hugs))))
Cece
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((Elana))
I am so in awe that at age 15, you were so in tune with yourself and able to make such a healthy decision for what you wanted for your future, your life and your well-being.
I began my recovery at age 39 and having been in the process of learning who I am for the past 4 yrs - No way, no how would I have been able to make any decisions based on what I truly wanted before then - Too many crazy voices in my head that kept me from hearing my true self.
My hat is off to you for being so in touch with your inner self!!
Wishing you continued Serenity & Joy,
Rita
I am so in awe that at age 15, you were so in tune with yourself and able to make such a healthy decision for what you wanted for your future, your life and your well-being.
I began my recovery at age 39 and having been in the process of learning who I am for the past 4 yrs - No way, no how would I have been able to make any decisions based on what I truly wanted before then - Too many crazy voices in my head that kept me from hearing my true self.
My hat is off to you for being so in touch with your inner self!!
Wishing you continued Serenity & Joy,
Rita
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Elana,
I too have always known that I probably wasn't "mother material" -- by choice. I think that children are a precious gift, and I knew that I just didn't love them enough to try having any of my own. I love to borrow them though
Seriously, there are women who are just naturally wonderful with children, and who love every little thing about them. I knew that wasn't me, and I felt that every child deserves a mom who's just crazy about babies and kids.
I think I'm the only woman I know who really doesn't care for babies. What a freak I am! I love, however, when kids get to the age where you can have a conversation with them. My little niece the other day gave me a very nice explanation of how "extinction" means that the dinosaurs have gone to be with Jesus. Jesus loves dinosaurs, did you know that? Especially T Rex. Not sure where that last part came from...
All of us need to follow the instincts god gave us. I think it's best for all involved.
Hugs,
GL
I too have always known that I probably wasn't "mother material" -- by choice. I think that children are a precious gift, and I knew that I just didn't love them enough to try having any of my own. I love to borrow them though
Seriously, there are women who are just naturally wonderful with children, and who love every little thing about them. I knew that wasn't me, and I felt that every child deserves a mom who's just crazy about babies and kids. I think I'm the only woman I know who really doesn't care for babies. What a freak I am! I love, however, when kids get to the age where you can have a conversation with them. My little niece the other day gave me a very nice explanation of how "extinction" means that the dinosaurs have gone to be with Jesus. Jesus loves dinosaurs, did you know that? Especially T Rex. Not sure where that last part came from...
All of us need to follow the instincts god gave us. I think it's best for all involved.
Hugs,
GL
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Gosh GL.. I am not much on babies either so you got weird #2 here... LOL
People bring them in here to the office (I don't know why?) and everyone coo's over them.. I try to avoid the whole thing or stop and briefly say, "How nice. How cute." tho I admit to no connection at all whatsoever. They are cute.. as long as I don't have to hold, feed, pamper, diaper or clean up after them!
I also admit I like my kitten a lot more.. and he came to me potty trained..
Japic05.. I usually know exactly what I want. Getting it has not always been healthy for me (I point to the ex's in my life!!). I know what I want right now and for my future. Working on it.
I go to the store for a dress and I know what I want or looking at furniture.. or most anything.. I know what I want. Unfortunately what I want is often available on a Ferrari budget and my finances are more in line with the Hyundai Accent.... so there are compromises...
That process got blurred when I had an addict around. They are both gone now.. one to the other side and the other to the next County over.. and truly "I can see clearly now, the Rain is gone!"
People bring them in here to the office (I don't know why?) and everyone coo's over them.. I try to avoid the whole thing or stop and briefly say, "How nice. How cute." tho I admit to no connection at all whatsoever. They are cute.. as long as I don't have to hold, feed, pamper, diaper or clean up after them!
I also admit I like my kitten a lot more.. and he came to me potty trained..
Japic05.. I usually know exactly what I want. Getting it has not always been healthy for me (I point to the ex's in my life!!). I know what I want right now and for my future. Working on it.
I go to the store for a dress and I know what I want or looking at furniture.. or most anything.. I know what I want. Unfortunately what I want is often available on a Ferrari budget and my finances are more in line with the Hyundai Accent.... so there are compromises...
That process got blurred when I had an addict around. They are both gone now.. one to the other side and the other to the next County over.. and truly "I can see clearly now, the Rain is gone!"
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
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Originally Posted by GiveLove 
I love, however, when kids get to the age where you can have a conversation with them.
Haha...now that my kids are young adults I miss the days when they could only babble (I think I understood them better then)
But I wanted to clarify...I love MY kids. I don't dislike others' kids but I have limited patience when I'm surrounded. I've always been that way ( a little lacking in the natural maternal instinct.)
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Anchorage, AK
Posts: 221
Elana, I can so relate to this! I've never felt myself to be a "mother material". I don't coo over babies, I'd hate babysitting other people's kids (at 32, I think I've done it once and couldn't wait for parents to return-lol), and I never felt my biological clock ticking. BUT. I now have a 3 year old daughter and she is the purest joy I've ever experienced. I love, love having her in my life. I also completely understand where you're coming from.
Now that Kaitlin is here, I can't imagine any other way, but if I never got pregnant, I would not be one of those women fevereshly searching for a man or trying to get pregnant artificially... I respect your choice. I also admire your certaintly about the things you want and do not want in life. I've been brought up such a people pleaser that I can't seem to make a decision without taking a public poll, even when it comes to buying a winter jacket! I am working on it, though. There will be a day when I will listen to myself and not care about what anybody else is thinking or saying.
. BUT. I now have a 3 year old daughter and she is the purest joy I've ever experienced. I love, love having her in my life. I also completely understand where you're coming from. Now that Kaitlin is here, I can't imagine any other way, but if I never got pregnant, I would not be one of those women fevereshly searching for a man or trying to get pregnant artificially... I respect your choice. I also admire your certaintly about the things you want and do not want in life. I've been brought up such a people pleaser that I can't seem to make a decision without taking a public poll, even when it comes to buying a winter jacket! I am working on it, though. There will be a day when I will listen to myself and not care about what anybody else is thinking or saying.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Nearby
Posts: 231
I read this yesterday and waned to really think about how I feel and what I believe.
First, Elana I commend you for knowing your own being well enough to make this decision and for being convicted enough to share that knowledge.
I have put an enourmous amount of time, money and effort into raising our children. With the youngest at 20, I'm nearly done and that makes this a time of reflection. Do I have regrests? Some, for sure. But I've also known incredible joy. I think part of the problem some people have with resentment of their children is that they go into parenthood for the wrong reasons. Children are not built in caregivers for your old age. Children are not little improved versions of oneself (although they can be ;o). They are not trophies, highlighting our success. You get the idea.
And what I have come to believe is that they are Courageous Souls, who are on their own journies. I was the one to help them begin that journey and to facilitate some of their lessons in their early years. And even with the addiction, alcoholism and other challenges, that has been a blessing in my life. A great book on this topic is, "Courageous Souls, Do we plan our life challenges before birth" by Robert Schwartz.
First, Elana I commend you for knowing your own being well enough to make this decision and for being convicted enough to share that knowledge.
I have put an enourmous amount of time, money and effort into raising our children. With the youngest at 20, I'm nearly done and that makes this a time of reflection. Do I have regrests? Some, for sure. But I've also known incredible joy. I think part of the problem some people have with resentment of their children is that they go into parenthood for the wrong reasons. Children are not built in caregivers for your old age. Children are not little improved versions of oneself (although they can be ;o). They are not trophies, highlighting our success. You get the idea.
And what I have come to believe is that they are Courageous Souls, who are on their own journies. I was the one to help them begin that journey and to facilitate some of their lessons in their early years. And even with the addiction, alcoholism and other challenges, that has been a blessing in my life. A great book on this topic is, "Courageous Souls, Do we plan our life challenges before birth" by Robert Schwartz.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: here and now
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I never had kids (mostly because I never felt like I had the right situation-I guess I wanted the perfect situation)... even though I like kids and I think I would have made a good mom....
What I get sick of is that people react so strangely when they find out I don't have kids. I hate being made to feel like some kind of oddball just because I am not a parent!
What I get sick of is that people react so strangely when they find out I don't have kids. I hate being made to feel like some kind of oddball just because I am not a parent!
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
To tell the truth, I love my sons dearly, plus I'm a gal who always wanted a LARGE family...I would have liked to have 7 children...(THAT was a while ago)
But now, after all the stress, and wear and tear, I tell ya, I'm not real sure I'd have children again if I had a choice.
When your on that roller coaster of your sons addictions, it's hard to think back of all the good times, and there were good times.....
I truly don't know if I would or not....I realize there's no guarantee...
Can we ask this question again...say...in 5 years?
But now, after all the stress, and wear and tear, I tell ya, I'm not real sure I'd have children again if I had a choice.
When your on that roller coaster of your sons addictions, it's hard to think back of all the good times, and there were good times.....
I truly don't know if I would or not....I realize there's no guarantee...
Can we ask this question again...say...in 5 years?
Content with my past
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Cincinnati Ohio
Posts: 643
I never thought I would hear the words of this post, and it is how I feel and I have a son. A son that I love more then anything in the world and we have had good and bad times. I wouldn't trade him for the world but I also decided after I had him at age 20 that I didnt want any more and I got my tubes tied. I dont like children myself, I mean I can tolerate them for a small time period but that is it. The thing that really sucks for me and I hate to say this. Is I am 39 years old and 39 was my goal to get to so that my son would be 18 and I would not be completely responsible for him and I go and marry a man with 2 kids, 15 and 11 that we have custody of. Our marriage is always on the rocks because of all 3 kids and I sometimes wonder what the hell am I doing to myself. I just dont do well with kids. I guess I am selfish but I feel like I raised mine and I dont want to raise his. I know I should of thought about this before I married him but ofcourse when you fall in love these kind of things happen. Dont hate me guys!!
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I don't believe this forum or site is about hate. We hate the actions of what addicts do. We hate our OWN actions in response to that.
I cannot imagine hating you for your honesty and expressing your feelings. If it were not for this forum I would not have had a truly safe venue to express mine and never would have discovered the whole recovery from co-dependency thing.
I appreciate your honest response.. everyone's honest response actually. It has been most helpful in accepting this part of me that I have had to hear was "wrong" with me. Today I can accept it is just part of what makes up the person I am.. warts and all!
((((Newsandi))))
I cannot imagine hating you for your honesty and expressing your feelings. If it were not for this forum I would not have had a truly safe venue to express mine and never would have discovered the whole recovery from co-dependency thing.
I appreciate your honest response.. everyone's honest response actually. It has been most helpful in accepting this part of me that I have had to hear was "wrong" with me. Today I can accept it is just part of what makes up the person I am.. warts and all!
((((Newsandi))))
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
I tried for 5 years to have my daughter. Fertility treatments and miscarriages and then finally she was born. But if I had known then what I know now (about addiction being inherited) I would have remained childless. I would not have taken the chance of bringing a child into the world that would end up causing so much pain for herself and others. Hugs, Marle
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: pa
Posts: 260
Elana,
I have so much respect for people who choose not to have children.
I have several friends who are childless and they are great with my kids. There are also people I know who never should have had children and do. If I had it to do all over again I would absoultly have my children but with a different Father,he is so very ill with alcoholism that these children are suffering for it, I can just love them the best I can on my own. God forgive me for saying this, his mother never should have had children she doesn't have one nurturing bone in her body.
I have so much respect for people who choose not to have children.
I have several friends who are childless and they are great with my kids. There are also people I know who never should have had children and do. If I had it to do all over again I would absoultly have my children but with a different Father,he is so very ill with alcoholism that these children are suffering for it, I can just love them the best I can on my own. God forgive me for saying this, his mother never should have had children she doesn't have one nurturing bone in her body.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Elana -
I actually always wanted kids, but it just never happened. Now, I'm totally okay with the fact that I don't have kids. After going through MY addiction and seeing how it affects the entire family, I'm even more glad that I didn't have any kids to drag through that.
I absolutely adore kids...maybe more so because I don't have any. I can spoil them rotten, then give them back to their parents. I have people tell me, all the time, that they can't believe I don't have kids because I'm so good with them. Well, it just didn't happen and I'm okay with that today.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I actually always wanted kids, but it just never happened. Now, I'm totally okay with the fact that I don't have kids. After going through MY addiction and seeing how it affects the entire family, I'm even more glad that I didn't have any kids to drag through that.
I absolutely adore kids...maybe more so because I don't have any. I can spoil them rotten, then give them back to their parents. I have people tell me, all the time, that they can't believe I don't have kids because I'm so good with them. Well, it just didn't happen and I'm okay with that today.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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