roquel5534

This is my first post. I am hoping I can find support, strength and some advice from those who have or in the same situation as me. My story is I moved to a new state. I started dating and met my boyfriend, well I mean now EX. He was in drug treatment when we met. Given that he was in treatment I hesitated on getting to know more about him or even furthering our friendship, I was being cautious. Well I agreed to talk to him on the phone instead of communicating over emails. I was going through a difficult time when I met him and I felt it was no harm talking on the phone and in a way would help me cope.

Well we continued to email and IM back and forth everday for a month and he eventually asked if I would consider going to visit him at the treatment center on visiting days. I thought about it and said yes. The first visit I had with him was a good visit so I agreed to go again. I started going to visit him everytime he was allowed visits and he finally asked me to be his girlfriend. Things were going good.
He brought joy to me life, always treated me with respect and showed me a lot of love. He was my first boyfriend ever and I loved being around him and when I wasn't he made sure he called me every morning and night. My life started looking up and positive

Three months into the relationship during a visit with him he confessed that he relapsed. He begged and pleaded for me to stay with him and said it wouldn't happen again. Even though at the begining of our relationship I told him if he relapsed once it was over because I wasn't going to put up with that. Well here I am 5 months since than and in those 5 months he continued to use and eventually got kicked out of treatment. Even after being kicked out I stayed with him. I broke up with him 3 times and everytime I'd take him back. He finally pushed me over the edge the night before he was to start a new treatment center we got in a huge argument and I screamed it was over. He was so messed up on drugs and alcohol that night that I was in tears, because I knew everything that was being said by him or me he was not going to remember most of it.

Two weeks ago I received a collect call from him from jail which I did not answer. Three days ago I received a letter from him from. He is back in treatment and asked that I forgive him for putting me through all that he has. He wants to know where we stand, and hopes that we can work it out, but understands if I don't want to. He asked if I would be willing to support him through treatment. He said I was the best girlfriend he's ever had, and I was very caring, loving, and sweet. Which I was glad to hear because for a while I felt like he didn't care about me.

This is hard because I love and care for him. However after all that he's put me through I am unsure that I can do this again. He really has no one, his only brother is in prison, and both of his parents have passed away from overdose of drugs. He has been in and out of prison so most of the extended family have not kept in contact with him. He has a son, but the mother makes his life difficult, and that is another thing I cannot handle the babys mother. I started writing a letter back to him telling him everything I've felt and thought. I am still not sure how to end it because I don't know where our relationship stands. I don't know what to do!

Done_With_It

RUN.... As fast as you can. You've gotten a pretty good taste of the world and life of living w/ an addict, if this is the kind of life you want to live, stay. If not run.

I hope you choose better for yourself.... I don't mean to sound harsh, but living in the drug world like that is hell.
When people are using, they will bring you down with them if you let them.

hope213

welcome to S.R. i can not tell you to leave him be but i will say, read your post over. things are not getting any better & they are only going to get worse. you say how can they get worse? just read around the post others have written. i does get worse. read "what addicts do" at the top of the forum.is this the kind of life you want? i wish u the best,you deserve more. prayers for u both.

Jwife22

hi (((roquel)))

I won't tell you to run either because I can't make that decision for you. I do think you should go back and re-read your post like hope said. Addiction gets progressively worse until the addict decides he/she no longer wants to live that way. He can go to treatment 50 times and it won't work until he is ready to stop using and change his life around.

Attending alanon or naranon meetings in your area wouldn't be a bad idea. Those meetings can help us work through some of the feelings we are having and they can also help us figure out WHY we are drawn to the type of people that we think need "fixing" as long as we put the work into it.

I will say this.....the baby's mama treats him the way he does for a reason. Do you want to experience that reason? I know addicts can talk the best talk about what someone ELSE did to hurt them. They are the absolute masters at not taking any responsibility for what might be going wrong in their lives.

((((roquel)))) I am glad you found us and I hope you stick around.

Ann

Weclome, Roquel. I am sorry you are going through this pain, but as Loves pointed out, this is about what you can expect when in a relationship with an active addict.

Loves also pointed out some huge red flags about him. Please pay attention to those red flags, they tell us clearly when we are in a relationship with someone who just cannot be emotionally available and who is incapable of giving anything from their end.

What I also noticed were a few things about yourself that you may want to give thought to. It's not unusually for someone who is "needy" to latch on to the first person who gives them the time of day, but sweetie, you are worth so much better than any of this.

When we feel emotionally needy and receive what we think is love, it can be hard to detach and face the pain of being without someone that we think brings us happiness. The thing is, only you hold the key to your happiness, you have all along, and you have choices in life, one of which is to take good care of yourself, heal your old wounds and know that you are a precious child of God, worthy of real love and respect.

This is perhaps the biggest red flag of all. Take a good read around and you may see why the mother is protecting herself and her child.

Until this man gets clean and works his recovery for a long time, he is simply incapable of any kind of healthy relationship with anyone. Sadly, that's just how it is.

My heart and my prayers go out for you. Please stick around, read the "sticky" posts at the top of this forum, and give yourself plenty of time and space to decide what is best for your life.

Whatever your choices, we are here and walking with you.

Hugs

mooselips

roquel5534,
Sweetie if you read your post, you already have your answer. You don't want your life to continue on this roller coaster, and heaven knows, I applaude you.

You sound like a compassionate soul, and I know you feel so sorry for him, I hear that in your post. Attend some Alanon meetings, or NarAnon, if you can find them, and gain some strength.

You deserve so much better than what you are going through.

Hugs, and stick with us,

holdingouthope

Only you will know when you've had enough. As others have said, this is a progressive disease. It is hard to walk away from someone you love. Last night my mom told me that sometimes you have to love someone enough to let them go and find their own way. I have heard this before but never applied it to my situation.

I hope you will find the strength you need to do what is right for YOU. It's in there.

caileesnana

welcome to a wonderful place! many great people here to help, with anything!
susan:praying

rayofsunshine

Hi Roquel. I've been married 19 years to an A who is now in prison. I stood by him thru 4 rehabs, was the "perfect" wife who wrote, visited, sent $. I also bailed him out of jail about that many times also. Each time he promised he would straighten up. Each time I believed him. Each time within days, he was back doing the same thing. The last time I bailed him out, even the bail bondsman told me I was just throwing away my $$, and I shouldn't get him out AGAIN. How I wish I had found a place like SR years ago. I suffered many years thinking I was the only one in the world living this way.

Welcome to SR. You've found a great place for support and encouragement. Read all the sticky posts and learn all you can about addiction, so you'll know what to expect.

niclove1027

Dear Roquel ~
Please stick to your guns! You said in the beginning of your relationship that if your guy relapsed you'd leave him...he did...you didn't. He knew from that moment on that you would be there no matter what he did. So it happend again...and he's in prison. Do you want to be lonely? Do you want this life? I don't think you do or you would not have told us all your story. Sweetheart, Please...think of yourself. Don't worry about him. He has to find his own way because you CAN NOT fix him. It's his disease but it can spread to you if you let it. I don't want that for you and I don't even know you. Please heal your heart. Please do what's best for you. PLEASE think of YOU!

Welcome to SR and the people here are great. I'm new too. If you want to talk, we are all here for you!

my prayers are with you

splendra

Welcome roquel5534!!!

I think you have found a good place to land here.

This is something you said that I would like to comment on:

Addicts are notorious for blaming others and not taking responsibility for their actions. I am sure the mother of his child gives him a hard time with good reason. Try to put yourself in her shoes. Know that you to could become a reason he blames for not being able to keep it together...