the gulf between the addcit and the codie
 

sometimes it just seems like there is a gulf between the non-addict and the addict that is just so sos sososos HUGE.

I mean, it is not unusual for two people to have two different perceptions of things, but, wow, can the addict have a totally different interpretation.

Today I was told all about what a sh*t I am for abandoning the addict when he was at his lowest point.. (and was he? Is the needle use truly his bottom, because, I have learned that bottom is a whole lot further down than I could ever imagine). He tried all sorts of ways to move the onus of this on me rather than him.

I think addicts purposely seek out compassionate, strong people who will tolerate and accept and understand and stick by them no matter what. Christ, they do what they do to us, lie, steal, etc etc, and then when we finally stand up for ourselves and say no more, we turn into the worst monsters on earth.

I am NOT A BAD PERSON!!!!!!!!!!

In fact, I think that the year long understanding and compassion for him I have shown displays exactly the opposite, the tolerance, the forgiving, the try again, the new chance, the rescuing, does that sound like a evil bitch???

I know a lot of us hope that someday, somehow, we will receive a form of recognition for the effort we have put into saving that person, for sticking by, for trying to have a normal relationship even though the addict was in zombie land...

But cripes, don't hold your breath.

I keep trying to give myself credit, say to myself, you gave it your all, you did what any humane, caring, kind person would, don't let his addict-anger convince you otherwise.

Now if he came to me and said "you were stupid for staying with me, you should tossed me out a long time ago, I wish you had been strong enough to stop enabling sooner" that would be a whole other thing, I would agree to that.

I remember someone wrote, a long long time ago, that her exabf came to her later on and said that her throwing him out was the best thing that ever happened. I can't imagine the addict in my life ever coming to me and saying that...but you know, maybe I can at least say that to myself at some point.

Today it still feels like the right thing to do, Yet I feel that old codie pull, the one that wants to placate him, the one that wants to forgive and forget, and pretend we are like any other couple and that we go to the movies together, or that there is a need for me to buy sexy lingere, or that he might come over and help me put up a towel rack like he promised to do ages ago...(another question -- why is is so hard for an addict to just help you with some things around the house?)

Wow can I relate to your post. Thank you so much.

I read a great book called "Addictive Thinking." It has really shed some light on my AH's perceptions/interpretations/downright crazy behavior.

Of course the addict is going to blame you, me and anyone else... it is part of addict behavior ..It has to be everyone and everything else BUT the addiction (denial) it is the gas that keeps us going (so to speak) hell, if we actually realized the truth and could admit it we'd come face to face with the need to change things. Snorting to smoke to shooting (the needle) doesn't mean rock bottom .. it means the addict is chasing the dragon (the high from snorting isn't cutting it no more, smoking it doesn't get it so now lets see what the needle does... and if that gets old the drug of choice might just change (ex: speed to heroin *or both together*) what looks like it should be rock bottom for the addict to us is not what rock bottom is to the addict .. and when it looks like the addict just might hit rock bottom they grab a shovel and dig a little deeper.

No matter what you are not to blame ... and the addict is pissed (when you don't stand by them) sum that up to I'm pissed that you didn't cosign my addiction and let me have my cake and eat it too. The active addict isn't going to come up and thank you for not enabling them ... The recovering addict is the one that can appreciate all that you didn't do to help them feed their addiction .. and is more likely to express gratitude to you. You know all you've tried and done .. knowing deep down in your heart that you did all that you could do and more, that you sincerely tried above and beyond ... You've embrace and accepted that and are okay within yourself and with who you are today is all the validation you need -

Let the peace flow :)
Passion