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She wants to move back home

Old 11-13-2007, 11:32 AM
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She wants to move back home

My 18 year old AD called Sunday afternoon to ask if she could come spend the night and as usual I told her yes..even though I had plans..I cancelled my plans!! She was starving when she got here, she ate and ate the whole time she was here and she has lost weight but I guess she did it again... told me how she wants to move back home, get a job and all the usual stuff she promises and again I gave her my best you are going to have to do the right thing speech even though deep down I know she is coming home to rest and in a month or so she will be gone again but I always think what if this time she really does it but at this point I doubt it but I have to believe in her but I have been trying to get MY bills caught back up and I know that it will be the same, she will not get a job and I will again be in a bind with money. Honestly as bad as I hate to admit it I kinda dread her coming back because I know she will be gone again in time. Then I feel guilty for even thinking that way because I think if something happens to her while she is gone I can't imagine never talking or seeing her again. She said she is coming home Thursday, that I did not understand but I have learned not to question!!:atv
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Old 11-13-2007, 11:57 AM
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hello Obsessed,

you do need hope. I guess you can be happy that at least she has come home, and she does want to change. Maybe give her some ultimatims? let her know that you have money issues and that you will need her to help out? Give her some responsibilities around the house. And dont forget to thank her when she is helping too!

I went home on and off for years, even after I had babies too. Mum and Dad always let me stay with them no matter what. But there were rules! When I was doing well my Mum would comment on how proud she was of me. It gave me inspiration to do even better!.

hang in there, pray lots and stick to your boundaries

misslisa
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Old 11-13-2007, 12:30 PM
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Oh gosh, I'm sorry, The Holidays must be so hard for you parents..
I have nothing but Hugs for you....
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Old 11-13-2007, 12:39 PM
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Obsessed,
Hugs to you.
Maybe you should set up some sort of boundaries before she moves back in?


Nothing in her life will change if you keep being her soft spot to fall, it'll just repeat itself over and over.


Hugs, cause I know how hard it is to say NO.
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Old 11-13-2007, 12:50 PM
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I really wish I could tell her how it is gonna be but she seems to have the upper hand and knows it because I am always so scared when she leaves that this might be the time that she never comes back!! I can't figure out how it got to be like this but I know I can do it but its like it just kinda puts my world upside down!! I am supposed to stop my life for her when she can walk out and not think a thing about me and how I feel but I know its not all about me but I wish she would stop and think about the sacrifices I have made for her and her world!!
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Old 11-13-2007, 12:57 PM
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Originally Posted by obsessed View Post
I really wish I could tell her how it is gonna be but she seems to have the upper hand and knows it because I am always so scared when she leaves that this might be the time that she never comes back!! I can't figure out how it got to be like this but I know I can do it but its like it just kinda puts my world upside down!! I am supposed to stop my life for her when she can walk out and not think a thing about me and how I feel but I know its not all about me but I wish she would stop and think about the sacrifices I have made for her and her world!!
She cannot think of anyone but herself, she is a drug addict, and unfortunately, that is the way it works. All I can say Obsessed is "Nothing changes, if nothing changes"...
Start attending meetings to gain some strength.
Losing our children because of drug addiction, is a fear all of us parents have, but sometimes in order to save them, we have to love them enough to let them go.

Hugs to you, from one mom to another,
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Old 11-13-2007, 03:05 PM
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Ask yourself is you can keep on living with the pain of her comings and goings. I know I can't with my daughter and so I don't let her back in to begin with. I tell her that we will help her find a rehab when she is ready, but that is all I am offering. I won't live with active addiction in my house. That is my boundary and it has worked well so far for me. If you keep doing the same things again and again, you will get the same results again and again. Or as Dr. Phil puts it, "The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior." Hugs, Marle
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Old 11-13-2007, 04:46 PM
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(((obsessed)))
I have to agree with Moose and Marle. As a mom of another daughter I know how hard it is to say no.
If you set boundries, (I suggest you do), then be able to stick with them. I moved my boundries so much with my daughter it was pitiful! And believe me, she knew exactly how to make me move them. Now I think more of myself than to move my boundries. It was so hard at first, but has become easier the more I practice it.
Hugs to you. I know this is a tough thing to deal with.
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Old 11-13-2007, 09:01 PM
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Another mom checking in sending you strength to set and stick to the boundaries you are comfy with. I am concerned that you said "she has the upper hand"
Ask yourself why that is and know that it does not have to be that way in your home.
I hope this is her time to make those changes.
Do you go to Al-anon group for support? There is no easy way with our addicted grown children we all just do the best we figure out on any given day.
My 23 y o son moved home a few mos. ago. So far so good. He's not using, He is polite & helpful, he is going to therapist, etc. so he is welcome here for now. I am enjoying his company. If he were rude, angry, lazy, etc. or using he knows I would have to put him out because I did it the last time he lived here 4 yrs ago.
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Old 11-14-2007, 07:53 AM
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Obsessed:

May I suggest you change your user name from a name that speaks to the problem to one that speaks to the solution? IMO, that will be a small thing to instill hope when you are thin on it.

I'm praying for you today...
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Old 11-14-2007, 09:08 AM
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Originally Posted by obsessed View Post
I really wish I could tell her how it is gonna be but she seems to have the upper hand and knows it because I am always so scared when she leaves that this might be the time that she never comes back!! I can't figure out how it got to be like this but I know I can do it but its like it just kinda puts my world upside down!! I am supposed to stop my life for her when she can walk out and not think a thing about me and how I feel but I know its not all about me but I wish she would stop and think about the sacrifices I have made for her and her world!!
Hi Obsessed:

I am going to let you have it here, so you might want to get a cup of coffee and settle down in your easy chair to brace yourself for what is coming. Your thinking is as messed up as hers, maybe even more. She has alcohol distorting her thinking, but you need to ask yourself what is distorting your thinking? Do you really expect me to believe that you can't figure out how it got to be like this? And then you are going to complain how it "just kinda puts your world upside down". There is no such thing as "kinda puts your world upside down". Either it puts your world upside down or it doesn't, and I know that you know how it got to be like this. Don't lie to yourself the same way your AD is lying to herself. What your AD needs now, more than anything else, is a mom that is not going to lie to herself or to others. Get a backbone and get the courage to be honest with yourself and honest with your daughter. Ask her the simple question why you should believe that this time is going to be any different than past times. Tell her that you want to trust her that she is telling you the truth, but why should you? Ask her what the consequences should be if she doesn't fulfill her promises.

I will get off my soapbox now, and I hope that you receive what I am saying in the same spirit that I am giving it. There is a big difference between sympathy and support, but I often think that many people here are looking for sympathy rather than support. I truly believe that at the heart of all of our problems is our inability to be honest with ourselves and others. I am here to support you, to embolden you, to encourage you to stand up for the truth. And if you get beat up in the process, don't come running to me for sympathy because I am just going to tell you to get back out there on the battle field of life and keep fighting for the truth. If being honest with ourselves and others was easy, we would all be doing it, but it's not. I believe in you, but you need to believe in yourself.
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