BayAreaPhoenix

Hi, I'm new to all this. After 12 years with my husband, married for the last 5, I finally had enough in August and said I wanted a divorce. We have had no intimacey for years - even before our marriage. I don't just mean sex, although that's been sorely lacking (haven't had sex since 2004!), but friendship, companionship, etc. Now he won't leave our home, he says it's MY CHOICE to leave this marriage, etc. I found out 3 weeks after saying I wanted a divorce that he has been using codeine since at least 2000, but I wonder if it's been something all along. Regardless, I'm still done. What I want to know is, is this typical behavior - lack of intimacy, etc. I have cried and cried and begged and begged for years for the basics, suggested and asked to go to counseling, etc.. Each time I got that he would think about it and try, and six months to a year later I had the same issues - cried and begged some more. I went to do my own therapy, and it was from the strength I learned during that round of therapy that I am done, and now I feel like I'm being manipulated, treated unfairly, etc. I guess I'm looking for a little accountability from him, and it's not coming - will it ever? I am going to Alanon, my own therapist and will visit a few NA meetings. I am having a hard time establishing if I am making mountains out of molehills, then I think I'm just being codependent and of course there's a problem. He is trying to tell me he has spent more money on the house (I have always worked and bring in my fair share - or done more than my fair share) so I need to be fair and let him buy me out of the house, but not so that he'll have to work longer than he wants to, etc. Obviously I am confused - not about wanting a divorce but how to go about it, not sure how much I can push him, or not communicate, etc. I know I can't totally understand how an addict thinks, but I'm trying to get a bit better handle on how he thinks to help me help myself and get out. To my knowledge he isn't going to any meetings - NA or AA, but is apparently "tapering". A little insight? Alanon will help I'm sure, but I feel like I need a little extra help - I don't have time to wait and learn - I'll keep going to alanon, read the books, etc. because it is helpful and will continue to help me. I have worked so hard on my codependency traits (without realizing that's what I was doing) but he is my achilles heal. At least I feel like I'm trying to take care of myself and still trying to take care of him, although not as much as I used to - obviously - used to be I only tried to take care of him. Progress I know, but doesn't feel like enough yet.

Bonichickadee

This is a good place to come. Lots of support. and read the stickies, especially the one about what addicts do. Have you been to a lawyer? You need to know your rights concerning your assets. Good luck and hang in there.

holdingouthope

Welcome. I have learned that it is impossible for my AH to love me (both physically and emotionally) if he does not love himself.

Please take care of yourself.

mooselips

codeinewife,
No advice, just big hugs.

Ann

I want to welcome you too and hope you will make yourself comfortable and continue with us on our journey.

There is nothing wrong with a wife wanting the things you want in a marriage, it's how a healthy marriage works. I don't blame you for wanting out.

Like Bonichickadee, I think it would be a good thing to talk to your lawyer and find out what your rights are. They vary from state to state so how it worked for someone else here may not be how it will work for you.

Again, welcome.

Hugs

BayAreaPhoenix

Thank you all for your help, I'll keep checking here for more and reading the other posts. I did manage to finally notice where the "stickies" were and they were very helpful. I especially liked the one about when the Pain would Stop. All in all, I am swimming in this sea of unknown and trying to get some sort of bearings - maybe I never will, and Alanon and all of you will be me with that. The practical side of divorce is hard enough for me to be wrapping my head around, it's overwhelming and a learning curve in and of itself. Learning that I am divorcing an addict and have been in a relationship with one for a long time, if not always, is something new and also a learning curve for me. Thank you all for being a place of some sanity for me, some place to not feel alone, a place to get advice, suggestions and understanding. It is more helpful than I can express!
Thank you all!