Reality check from my HP
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Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 471
Reality check from my HP
Remember a few days ago when I posted about seeing my XAH and feeling a twinge of nostalgia, emotion, etc? Well, leave it to my HP to hit me over the head and get rid of all that nonsense!
My daughter Julie finally saw her dad after the Halloween chaos he imposed on her. This time he took her to visit his mom (the mother of all dysfunctional moms...the woman who married one guy, had 5 kids with him, cheated on him with his brother, got pregnant and married the brother, had 6 kids with him, cheated on him for 30 years with her gigilo, moved the gigilo into her house the day of the husband's funeral, who worked til she was 80 to support her gambling, who ignored her own children ~ even when the oldest brother raped the sisters...shall I go on???) Mom and X had a plot going to get Julie to "spend time" with XAH's girlfriend who Julie has made it clear she does not like, and despite the fact that I told him Julie's couselor said to give her a year before trying to introduce a girlfriend...
Julie stood her ground and told them "no." Now she's telling me that she wishes dad and grandma would die and leave her alone, and that she's starting to get a sick feeling in her stomach when she's around dad. I told her she's going to have to make it clear that if he keeps pushing her to do things she's not comfortable with, she's going to have to stop seeing him until he respects her.
Geesh. I was emotional about this???? I'm continually amazed at the depth of my codependency, that I lived with this circus for 17+ years and still have moments when I would choose to return to it!!! And of course, his addiction and new enabler have amplified his skewed thinking.
Could you all help my patient Hp and remind me of this should I become sentimental again?????
My daughter Julie finally saw her dad after the Halloween chaos he imposed on her. This time he took her to visit his mom (the mother of all dysfunctional moms...the woman who married one guy, had 5 kids with him, cheated on him with his brother, got pregnant and married the brother, had 6 kids with him, cheated on him for 30 years with her gigilo, moved the gigilo into her house the day of the husband's funeral, who worked til she was 80 to support her gambling, who ignored her own children ~ even when the oldest brother raped the sisters...shall I go on???) Mom and X had a plot going to get Julie to "spend time" with XAH's girlfriend who Julie has made it clear she does not like, and despite the fact that I told him Julie's couselor said to give her a year before trying to introduce a girlfriend...
Julie stood her ground and told them "no." Now she's telling me that she wishes dad and grandma would die and leave her alone, and that she's starting to get a sick feeling in her stomach when she's around dad. I told her she's going to have to make it clear that if he keeps pushing her to do things she's not comfortable with, she's going to have to stop seeing him until he respects her.
Geesh. I was emotional about this???? I'm continually amazed at the depth of my codependency, that I lived with this circus for 17+ years and still have moments when I would choose to return to it!!! And of course, his addiction and new enabler have amplified his skewed thinking.
Could you all help my patient Hp and remind me of this should I become sentimental again?????
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Join Date: Aug 2002
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(((GPJ)))
I love it when my HP gives me gentle reminders like that.
Although I choose to not be a part of the circus anymore, I still pull up a lawnchair once in awhile to watch the parade as it goes by.
You may want to check with the counselor about whether or not your daughter is required to do the visits with her dad. They may be doing much more harm than good.
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I love it when my HP gives me gentle reminders like that.
Although I choose to not be a part of the circus anymore, I still pull up a lawnchair once in awhile to watch the parade as it goes by.You may want to check with the counselor about whether or not your daughter is required to do the visits with her dad. They may be doing much more harm than good.
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Join Date: May 2007
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Luckily Dad opted not to have a regular visitation schedule put into the divorce agreement, so visits aren't required. (Surprise, surprise.) I've gone over it with the counselor, and she agrees/ recommends Julie is empowered as much as possible, as the reality is she will have to deal with this for the rest of Dad's life. So I'm giving her the tools to say "As long as you don't respect my wishes, I won't see you" and she is getting to a point where she'll have to say it. I'm trying to stay out of it as much as possible in the feeble hope he'll get it, but will become mother barracuda if necessary and just say "enough!!!"
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Join Date: Mar 2002
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When we are ready the answer always comes.
If she were my daughter, I would listen and respect her wishes, this just isn't a good environment for a young girl.
I also gave up my front row seat to the drama and it is so very much more peaceful where I sit today.
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If she were my daughter, I would listen and respect her wishes, this just isn't a good environment for a young girl.
I also gave up my front row seat to the drama and it is so very much more peaceful where I sit today.
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Join Date: May 2007
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She is still clinging to the hope that her Dad will be the dad she once knew again. Hardest thing I've ever had to do is letting her see the truth herself. At first I was scared she'd never see it ~ now I'm scared she's getting it too fast! But, having informed her about Dad's disease to the best of my ability, I'm also working hard not to influence her decisions about him ... but once she decides she's had enough, I'll go to the mat to support her decision!
As for giving up the front row seat *sigh*. I try my darndest to let Julie know I can't be in the middle of her relationship with dad, but after most visits Julie comes home upset/confused about something dad has said or done, and I'm walking the line to give him the chance to do the right thing while still storing up information for the day I have to with hold visitation. (not to mention helping her sort things out.)
Interestingly, XAH never mentions to or asks my son if he would like to hang out with the girlfriend. X always played favorites with Julie, and to this day doesn't try to control or manipulate Joe. I suspect he has a fantasy of starting a new family with gf and Julie ... he just doesn't get why she isn't going for it!
As for giving up the front row seat *sigh*. I try my darndest to let Julie know I can't be in the middle of her relationship with dad, but after most visits Julie comes home upset/confused about something dad has said or done, and I'm walking the line to give him the chance to do the right thing while still storing up information for the day I have to with hold visitation. (not to mention helping her sort things out.)
Interestingly, XAH never mentions to or asks my son if he would like to hang out with the girlfriend. X always played favorites with Julie, and to this day doesn't try to control or manipulate Joe. I suspect he has a fantasy of starting a new family with gf and Julie ... he just doesn't get why she isn't going for it!
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