Still nothing from her....

Old 11-11-2007, 11:01 AM
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Still nothing from her....

Well, nobody has heard anymore from my 18 year old AD but I am ok with it right now.... Sundays are always hard for some reason.... I'm so mad at her for all of this and it's like a slap in the face for her to be dealing with all of those people that all they want is to bring her down with them!! I don't think I have ever been as mad at her as I am right now and I think being mad is ok for me right now!!! I have always heard misery loves company and I believe it is true but she is too wrapped up to understand it!!! I still have the fear of not hearing from her but right now I know it is for the best!! When she enrolled in college she had grants and schloarships and they sent her a check in the mail for the grant refund but I took it back to the college and told them she had dropped out and gave it back to them because I knew what she would do with it and I could not just hand the check over to her when somewhere there is someone that wants an education and needs it!!! I am just so mad at her today!!!!
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Old 11-11-2007, 11:31 AM
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Yup, mad is okay. Something we parents must go through. I still have days when I think of all the years that I sacrificed so that my daughter could have the best. The years that I made sure that she got the best dental and medical care. And then I think about her p*ssing it all away and I get angry. Sundays are my hard days too and they used to be the best day of the week for me because I felt that my week had been good and I could relax. I think why I feel kind of lost on Sundays is because I always go into the weekend with the hope that my daughter will contact me and want help and then when Sunday afternoon comes, I know that this is just my dream. I always feel better on Monday when I get back into the work world and around the kids at school. Staying busy is good for me. So I understand. I still get angry but I don't let it last as long as before. It no longer eats me up inside. It just catches me at moments of weakness. Hope that you can find something that makes you feel better. Hugs, Marle
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Old 11-11-2007, 11:41 AM
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you can be mad at her,that is ok. you have to walk through that feeling of being mad at her in order to be happy within yourself. i hope you hear from her soon. i will say a pray for her & you.hugs,
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Old 11-11-2007, 12:04 PM
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Boy can i relate to the anger...I think it's because we love them so much, maybe too much. Our love is never enough and that makes us angry. We want to save them and we can't.
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Old 11-11-2007, 12:44 PM
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I couldn't detach with love... so I detached with anger. Either way, I had to get 'unenmeshed' from trying to control the outcomes of my children's lives.

For a long time, I held onto anger regarding neither of my kids attending college. I learned a long time ago that education was the one "Way Out" of Working Class. I didn't go, but I put aside little bits of money each and every month - that could just as easily gone toward diapers and baby food and bills back then.

But education was important! So I saved, and sacrificed.

When they didn't go, I got mad. We spent the money on rehabs and counseling. And I thought I was "over it"... but I got angry each time I talked about it! There was still a little money left in my education account.

One day, I took it out and blew it all on permanent make up. Eyebrows, lips and eyeliner. Nearly $1,500 dollars worth!! (I hardly ever buy ANYthing for me, so this was extravagant to the extreme!).

Two things happened. 1. I liked the look. 2. I stopped being angry.

I think it was that little bit of money sitting there... reminding me how much was wasted on things other than college that was triggering me. By putting ME first in such a non-important way (it didn't go for MY education, but my MAKE UP... egad! What foolishness!)... but by spending that money on ME - I was able to let go of the resentment.

And *I* felt better!

Some other things I do - is to try really hard to reduce my expectation around whatever it is that is triggering me.

For example, I used to imagine the family all coming to MY house on a weekend (like maybe on Sunday?) and spending time with ME the way my folks spent time with my grandma back in the 60's. But the truth of it is, I DON'T want my kids around if they are resentful or not sober themselves. So I need to stop allowing myself to even have that fantasy... if it starts to come into my mind, I need to immediately replace it with something else.

These sort of mind games do work... but they take practice.

I wish you the best.

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Old 11-11-2007, 01:40 PM
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Getting angry is what came before my learning to accept that my dream of a happy Sunday family dinners is not gonna happen. Now I hope to be able just to talk to her on the phone on Sunday. And "good on ya" for handing that check back to the school!!!
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Old 11-11-2007, 01:58 PM
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and I think being mad is ok for me right now!!!
Yup, we have to walk through our feelings to get past them.
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Old 11-11-2007, 02:30 PM
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I think the anger part comes first or at least it seems to! For me, at least, I had to feel the anger before I could get mad enough to know I didn't want to feel like that any more. Then came the "victim" stage but with recovery tools, I was able to get through all the stages. It just takes time, patience, practice and the knowledge to do so.

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Old 11-11-2007, 03:16 PM
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Yep, I went through the anger too.
In fact, I still feel it on a rare occasion.

It's okay, anger can propel you in the right direction.

I got you something:
(foam behavior bats.....)


Last edited by mooselips; 11-19-2007 at 07:33 PM.
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Old 11-11-2007, 04:16 PM
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get it, give it, grow in it
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We have every cause to be angry. I use to not be very emotional. Then with progress MAD was my only emotional response. I often have to work through that before I can get beyond it. Mad feels better to me than sadness. I am sad when I think abouta the loss of relationship, loss of potential, loss of the person I thought my child would become, etc. Before my son bec an addict I never felt anger or sadness then POW. He's now 23 and I have learned to detach but it took practice and time. All that pain forced me to make some emotional growth and for that I am thankful. Your AD journey through addiction may last for yrs. Take care of yourself so that two lives aren't destroyed.
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Old 11-12-2007, 11:31 AM
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I did much better w/ anger for a long time! It kept me from hurting. I have since worked through some of the hurt, although it does come back...usually at night and on Sunday!

I'm sorry for your pain, wouldn't wish it on anyone.
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Old 11-12-2007, 11:42 AM
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Yep! I prefer the anger as opposed to the heartbreak and disappointment.
Then I know my enabling device gets turned down under the radar and my son can't get to it. lol
Way to go on giving the check back to the school. I'm sure that doesn't happen to them very often.
You should be proud of yourself. Doin' the right thing. I'm proud of ya and I don't even know ya. lol

Big hugs,
As far as your recovery...

I got ya somethin' too...
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Old 11-12-2007, 04:15 PM
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What does one do when anger does not come very easy? I just don't have an angry side of me. I tend to get very sad. Someone told me that was anger turned inward. I guess it is. I envy people who can detach with anger, I think that would be easier to do. Does anyone else feel like this?

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Old 11-12-2007, 04:38 PM
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I think that the anger was directed at myself for enabling so long, now the more I know more I get scared for her safety. and yes, sadness and going through the grieving process - the loss of so many things. the list is long but I now I am learning to detach with love.
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