graci

I had one of those moments of clarity today, halfway thru the day. I have been pushing so hard for my ABF who is in prison to go to a meeting. He finally told me stop pushing me I know Im going to go eventually but u cant force me until Im ready, and when Im ready I will go. So today when I woke up i was so depressed, been having trouble even wanting to get out of bed, its so much easier sometimes to just stay in there and not have to deal with feeling sad. If Im sleeping Im not feeling I guess, sort of like an addict trying to escape with drugs. So today I said to myself "Im so tired of feeling this way" Ive made a decision to call and make an appt with a counselor, to start getting myself help. Needless to say the rest of my day, Ive felt much better, was able to go out get grocery shopping done and even some long overdue chores around the house. I talked to my ABF today and told him that I was going to seek help, I told him I was sorry that I pushed him and I wont do it anymore. I told him it was wrong of me to push him when I havent even sought help for myself. Then I thought to myself exactly how hypocritical that was, me pushing him to go get help, and I cant even get out of bed?!!? So there it is no matter how small, it got me through today and for the first time in a long time I feel hopeful.
He is going to get help when he is ready, in the meantime i can start trying to be the healthy person i used to be when he first met me. AHHHH, I long for that, I was sooooo happy, not just becaue of him, but just a happier healthy person, I actually smiled and was goofy. Now Im just sad and depressed. No way to live..

hope213

i am glad you are going to work on yourself. that is what we should do.we can not fix the addict but we can fix ourselves.our happiness does not depend on others, it depends on us.hugs,hope

sjr

i have no words of great wisdom, if i did i would share them with myself as-well !! but i just wanted to say good luck to you in owning your life again. That's what i am trying to do.

GiveLove

Finding a counselor that I "clicked" with really saved my life. Before I did that, I had recurring bouts of not wanting to get out of bed, not taking care of myself, etc. etc.......forever. Since I was a teenager.

Working on You can be a wonderful project, graci. The thousand piece jigsaw puzzle where YOU get to decide where the pieces go and what picture shows through when you're done with it! Your whole life shouldn't revolve around what someone else does or doesn't do. There's so much life out there to be lived, so many brilliant and amazing and breathtaking things. I hope your counselor can help you to begin seeing them again. Your life on this planet is bigger than just your relationship with an addict in jail.

Hugs to you
GL

1963comet

Good for you. People cannot control people no matter how good their intensions are.

havehope

Glad you have decided to take care of yourself! I am seeing a counselor and she knows just what to say. I like the way she has me discover on my own what is good for me.
I wish you luck in your counseling and so glad you decided to move ahead with what you can control!

CarolD

That is an excellent idea!

I also found that this worked best for me when I quit staying
in contact with people who upset or made me sad.
It never helped them and certainly messed up my mind.

graci

Its amazing to me the day that I have had, how much I have accomplished just in one day after making this decision, its like a weight was lifted from me. i spent more time with my kids, I cleaned the house, I even had some really good conversations with my ABF over the phone, and u know what, I didnt have one single urge to tell him what to do or to try to manipulate him to go get help. They were much better conversations. We even worked out together, at the same time and he called me afterwords. I hope tomorrow will be as peaceful as today.

frankly

((graci))

Your post really made me feel good. I'm so very happy for you. It's not just a moment of clarity, it's a breakthrough of sorts. Once you take that little step, then even if you relapse into old ways, you always know in the back of your mind, what it felt like to live your life for you. It will always help pull you back to what you deserve....happiness. It may feel like a small step, but in reality, it is huge!

Congradulations Gracie, for taking the first step to the rest of your life.

Hugs
B