prairie

I think I need to ask my AAH to move out for a while. He's upstairs drinking again and i'm numb. He said while we were having supper that he could go for a big fat joint. Grrr, I know he was just looking for a reaction from me. Thankfully I kept my big mouth shut. I'm pretty sure by now he's used something tonight. I'm just tired. I know I'm doing better but I'm seeing so much of what he does and it bothers me. These are things that I wouldn't even blink at months ago, they were my "normal". I don't like that place anymore. My anxiety is at an all time high. I have that strangled feeling almost non stop. Last night I had to take meds to sleep, more than usual because I couldn't calm down. I lay down and my ears start ringing, my heart feels like it's going to pound right out of my chest and the choking feeling gets even worse.

Last night he wanted me to make cookies but I was reading my newspaper, that's my time. So he did the "fine if you won't do your job I'll do it". So I let him. Well that infuriated him even more because I didn't jump up and take over. So he started to make the cookies and stopped called me a b*tch and then said "you make me so mad I just want to smash this beer bottle over your head". He's a big guy and said it with an agressive posture so it was scary. I kept my mouth shut because he was drinking and that wasn't the time to have a conversation. This is all so WRONG! I am insane, I have put up with so much of this before. Later when he was officially drunk he tried to minimize what he had said and apoligized. I think he knew I didn't buy it and proceded to drink more and of course passed out on the couch thankfully.

I'm not ready to say divorce yet but I need to be out of this toxic space. I don't feel that I should be the one to go though. This is my house too and I didn't bring this garbage into it he did. I've helped him all I can help now it's time for me. We don't have any kids living here with us, just my kitty.

I know this is pretty long. What do I do? I can't even trust my gut instincts anymore because they're so tied up in knots.

rahsue

the addict in my life is my son so I hope my "advice" is taken with a grain of salt (until someone else agrees lol)
Can you go stay with a girlfriend or cousin just for the weekend. It might open his eyes that your not willing to take that kind of abuse?

frankly

((prairie))

Lord it's hard isn't it? But I gotta say, you are on the right track. Ask him to leave for a temporary seperation. If he want move out, then maybe you should consider moving somewhere for a little while. That will give you some time and space to think and decide what you need to do.

You already know that you are in a toxic and abusive situation, removing yourself from it, though dificult, is the very best thing you could possibly do.

Sending lots of hugs and prayers
B

Ann

I agree also that removing ourselves from toxic space is the best way to clear our heads and find some peace.

If he won't leave, then maybe do what was suggested and take yourself someplace better for at least a couple of days.

You just deserve so much better than all this.

Hugs

outonalimb

Prairie...

I'm so sorry...about all of this. My exah wouldn't leave our marital home either and I did have a child (who was almost 5 at the time). One day, when I couldn't take another minute, I packed up my son and left. I had kind of a half-baked plan in place...but nothing I had really thought thru. It didn't matter, though...I was leaving and I decided that I would just have to figure out the logistics (furniture, clothing, household bills, etc. as I went along). I hated to leave the marital home too...It wasn't fair...but I cannot tell you how much it helped to remove myself from the insanity.

One day, a month or so after I left, I sat watching TV and a silly commercial came on and I laughed out loud and the sound of my laughter sounded so foreign to me...as if it must have been coming from someone else. It was at that moment that I knew I was healing. I began to see "me" again...I had lost myself dealing with all of the crap...totally lost myself...I lost my sense of humor, my sense of perspective, and my self-esteem. But the good thing is...that it all came back...with time but the healing couldn't begin until I removed myself from the toxic situation.

Having just gone thru a medical scare attributable mainly to stress, I also urge you to take action for the sake of your health and sanity if nothing else. Stress can take a huge toll on our bodies.

Keep coming back...
You're recovery and strength are shining thru in your post. You may not feel strong but you are, my dear...you really are.

Hugs