what's the best way to support?

Old 11-02-2007, 03:46 PM
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what's the best way to support?

i am a new member and this site has been amazing so far. i have been given many things to think about already.
i wanted to share my story and ask for any insight.

seven years ago i met my partner. i fell in love fast and have been in love since.
a few weeks after we met i realized she had many challenges in her life. she let me know she wasn't ready for a relationship.
we tried to be friends, but i couldn't do it.
at this time i didn't know the extent of her drug addiction.

i moved on with my life, but didn't go one day without thinking about her.
4 years later she called me and told me she had never stopped thinking about me either and she had done a lot of work on herself and was ready for a relationship.
i ended a relationship i was in at the time to be with her.
at this time i still had no idea that she was an addict.
i knew she had done drugs, but hadn't for a few years now.
we talked about what kind of problems she had been working on and i felt that she was ready for a relationship.
i have two children who i was trying to protect, so i thought a lot about it.
i guess this started the rollercoaster ride that everyone talks about.

things went a long great for a few months.
we were even planning on moving in together.
then the lying and stories and the borrowing of money began.
things would be great for a few weeks and then she would be missing for a while.
i had very little knowledge of addiction and couldn't see that this was what was happening.
eventually after 4 months she disappeared all together.
it was the hardest thing i ever went through trying to move on without closure.
i had no idea what had really happened.

over the years i figured it was drugs, but never had confirmation.
i never stopped thinking about her or loving her.
i hoped to one day find her to find out what happened.
3 years passed and i worked on getting over her.
i never did find anyone that i loved as much as her.
it was very frustrating.

in september this year i found her.
i was shocked and scared and had tons of questions.
i was very upfront with her how i felt and what she did to me.
she then disclosed that she started to do drugs again and that was why she disappeared.
we had a very long discussion and i was thankful to at least know what had happened.
but, i was still in love with her and she with me.
we decided to start a relationship again.
she had been sober for two years, had gone back to school, gotten a job, a phone and a car.
i was opptimistic, but very cautious.
we set boundries and decided to move very slow.

two days ago i didn't hear from her when i expected to and didn't until this morning.
she began a string of excuses and i wouldn't take them.
i told her when she was ready to tell me the truth i would listen.
she called me a half hour later and told me she relapsed.
i was shocked and not sure what to do.
her pattern of sabotaging success is very concerning.
i was happy and proud of her for telling the truth and recognizing what was happening.
she is going to go back to meetings and keep working on her sobriety.
i still want to be with her, but i'm scared.
i want to be able to support her the best i can.
any insight would be appreciated.
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Old 11-02-2007, 04:58 PM
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Ann
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Hershey's, welcome to SoberRecovery.

Something that jumped out at me was that she had been sober for 2 years...is that what she said or are you certain of this? It just seems odd that she would relapse within such a short time of being with you (and she may have used before this but didn't get caught).

My son used to tell old girlfriends that he had been clean 5 months or a year or whatever fit the time that they didn't know where he was. He hadn't been clean 5 hours when he told the 5 month lie.

It's up to you whether to continue this relationship or not, but I just don't see what's in it for you. A lifetime of riding the addiction roller coaster can wear us out pretty fast, and sadly that's often the case. Some get clean and stay clean, but your girlfriend doesn't sound anywhere near ready yet. And sadly nothing you do can make her be ready.

If love could save our addicts, not one of us would be here.

Also, you have two children to think of. Growing up in a home with addiction, not to mention the danger of drugs that might be hidden at home, can do them harm for the rest of their lives. Is this what you want for them?

Please know that as harsh as this may sound, I am saying it all with compassion for her and for you. I know the pain of watching someone we love destroy themselves, my son is an addict.

Take a read around and make yourself comfortable. I'm glad you joined us and hope you find support here that helps you.

Hugs
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Old 11-02-2007, 06:14 PM
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hershey's kiss,
Gosh, I hate this for you. The ups and downs, the questions with no answers....it just goes on and on.
I'm the mother of 2 sons, both who are addicts, so I know the roller coaster ride from a parents view. I'll always be their mother, that will never change.
But, for you, you have choices here. Please think, educate yourself before you continue on this ride. You have children, and addiction is a lousy role model....

I hate to be negative here, but I wish the best for you.

Hugs, and prayers
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Old 11-02-2007, 06:38 PM
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Hershey's Kiss,

I have no words of wisdom, just wanted to send you a hug. Nothing is simple when it comes to matters of the heart. All I can say is make yourself and your kids your first priority in whatever you do.
I have a son by my AH, he's 2 now, and has only really "known" his father for the last 8 months, after he entered himself into rehab. Before that... well, lets just say he wasn't around.
I have a lot of "woulda, shoulda, coulda's" in my head, because I knew of my AH problems before committing myself to him by marriage. He had been clean for a year when I agreed to marry him, and then relapsed 3 mos after we were married, right after I found out I was pregnant with my boy. It was a nightmare ride after that, until I finally seperated myself from him.
I wish you luck with a difficult situation. The people on this site helped me when I thought no one could understand how much I loved this man, even after the aweful things his addiction did to our relationship.
I agree with mooselips, educate yourself before you go further. Knowledge is power after all. Hugs to you.
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Old 11-02-2007, 07:08 PM
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welcome to S.R.... glad you found us.. i am sorry for you & for her. the addict can not b trusted. do not be shocked at anything she does. read "what addicts do" at the top of the forum.my son is the addict in my life. you can not love them enough to keep them clean & sober.they will use when they get ready & there is nothing u can do about it. if u stay with her u r in for a long,hard ride. i will ask the question also,how do u know that she was clean for 2 yrs? addicts lie!!!! read around & keep coming back. lots of info here & support.prayers,
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