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Restless night........

Old 11-02-2007, 08:41 AM
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Restless night........

Well, after I decided that I was going to have a wonderful Nov. compaired to my awful October...The phone rang!!

The call was from an old friend of my daughters who no longer has contact with her because she screwed him over. He felt the need to inform me that my daughter is looking awful. He said that he seen her walking the streets twice this week and was worried about her health. How in the world am I suppose to put this aside! I can I not think about her! I played the phone call off and told him that I appreciate the information but please don't call me with anymore updates. I told him that I just couldn't take hearing this stuff about her anymore. He paused for a minute..I am sure he was thinking..what a B**ch..and that I sounded cold and like I careless about her. This was the wrong conclusion for him to draw because I love my daughter more than ever and had I had my car keys..i would have went looking for her.

I can't do this anymore, I can't sit by and watch her kill herself. I can't look at myself in the mirror without thinking what a horrible human being I have become. I hurt for her and my grandchildren and I just want my daughter back...CLEAN!! I tossed and turned lastnight finally getting out of bed at 2:30 AM - giving up on trying to sleep. How on earth can i sleep in a warm house with a pillow and blanket when lord knows where she is sleeping.

Please..someone smack some sense into me. I thought I was doing really well with all of this...until now. The holidays are coming and the depression of not having my daughter in my life is coming with them!!
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Old 11-02-2007, 08:50 AM
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I am there with you , only it is my niece ,she has lived with me for years and I treat her like my own child.Lately she acts worse than if I had ten children LOL ( I have to laugh or I'll just sit and cry ! ) I can't imagine if it were one of my own children . ((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))) hang in there .
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Old 11-02-2007, 09:05 AM
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Trisha... you did the right thing. Knowing is the hard part.

My prayers are with your daughter... and with you. Miracles happen... almost never when I 'expect' them to - but when I least expect them.

Today I pray she walks into a shelter and accepts the hand of kindness. That she finds a way to get those things she really needs. That life intervenes in a way that keeps her safe and sane.

Those are not just words, those are fervent, heartfelt prayers.

Miracles DO happen. When I need a little extra hope - I get myself to an open AA or open NA meeting. I listen to those who have found recovery, who are solid NOW in their sobriety. And I hear their stories and know that their family members often gave them up as lost ....and yet they found their way.

Perhaps read a bit in the AA or AA-12 step forums upstairs. Hope is a fragile thing.... you deserve to have a bit more.


(((lovinghugs))))
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Old 11-02-2007, 09:24 AM
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it is hard for us to turn our children over to our H.P. but that is what we have to do. trisha, she is where she wants to be.that is hard to accept but it is true with my son as well. they know there is help when they are ready for it. for now all we can do is pray & wait. her friend was probley thinking that you are right,& wished he had not called you & understood how he had upset you..do not feel bad.my prayers r for you & your daughter. hugs,
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Old 11-02-2007, 10:12 AM
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Talk about a breakdown and not knowing how to respond. I turn to everyone for this advice on how to handle this as I don't feel that I am strong enough to cope with everything that has been put on my plate. I posted the first message because I was upset....only to open my email while at work ...and...receiving a message from the person who called me. I have typed in some of what the email said and all-in-all..in short of being called a no-good mother or uncaring person (not in those exact words)...i don't know how to respond to this person.

His message:
I am really concerned with your response when I called you about your daughter health and well-being. I did this out of great respect for both you and your daughter. As you know, I have been down this road with my daughter and my wife who had lost the battle to drugs but never once did I give up on either of them as you have done. When I seen your daughter, it was cold, cold enough for a jacket and pants. Do you know what she was wearing? She had on a tank top and a pair of jeans that looked as if they hadn't been washed in days if not weeks. How could you not care? Why are you not trying to help her. She looks like she is in the lowest of lows and not that I need to tell you but close to death. She needs her mother but you just turn your back on her! How can you do this to someone you say you love? I will not contact you again when I see her but her life is in your hands. Do something before it is too late!

After reading this message, I left work...i cannot handle this anymore. I cannot handle someone telling me that I don't give a damn about my daughter and that I am causing her slow death! I am a flipping mess and don't know what to do!!
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Old 11-02-2007, 10:19 AM
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I'm so sorry someone butted into your life and hurt you. He had no right to email you at work after you dismissed him on the phone. Who is he to judge you? You are doing the best you can. Your daughter will call if and when she wants help, until then, you have to take care of you. What are you to do? Go get her, force treatment, and have her run off again? Until SHE wants help, this happens. The day I picked m RAD up, she looked like a street person...dirty clothes, hair, body. Dark circles, clothes from someones trash. That was all her choice, not mine.

I feel for you and know how you feel. Please take care of you. I have learned here that if we don't take care of us, when our kids/girls call and need us we'll have nothing left to give!!!

GIve me that creeps name, I'd like to talk to him!!!

Keep in touch,
susan
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Old 11-02-2007, 12:24 PM
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Trisha -

First of all, I'd like to borrow someone's skillet and bash the man over the head for his comments!!

Secondly, this is coming from an RA - I, too, lived on the streets, wore the same clothes forever, didn't shower (kinda hard when you're homeless), slept in vacant apartments, etc - you get the picture. This was MY choice.

If my dad would have come and "rescued me" at that time, I would have been home long enough to get cleaned up, eat, and then I would have run like he!! to get back to the "'hood" and get high because that's ALL I wanted at that time.

It was only because no one "rescued" me that I got locked up, had some time to think, without the dope numbing me out, that I realized that I didn't want that kind of life anymore. For some addicts, even being locked up doesn't work.

Please, let this man's opinion go. My dad never stopped loving me, just like you haven't stopped loving your daughter. He just loved me enough to let me find my way on my own, and for that I'm grateful.

Hugs and prayers!!

Amy
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Old 11-02-2007, 02:04 PM
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It made me cry just reading your post. It's hard enough to stand back an let an addict fall, without having someone say that kind of stuff to you. Sending prayers an hugs. Your a great mother an Grandmother give the kids a kiss for me.
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Old 11-02-2007, 03:04 PM
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Trisha, I am sorry that this man did that to you. He had no right. He is not walking in your shoes. My daughter is living the vagabond life with her crack addict boyfriend. Everytime I see her (and that is not very frequently) there is a new wrinkle added to the progression of her addiction. My daughter knows that she is loved. She knows that I will support any stab at recovery that she is willing to make. She knows that she is killing herself. She is not ready. Neither is your daughter and until our daughters are willing to take that step to help themselves there is nothing that we can do except love them and let them fall. We are not helpless. We have the power of faith and prayer to help us. Your daughter knows that she is loved. But right now love is the last thing on her mind. We both know that. I would ignore what that person said to you as hard as it is. You are doing the best that you can with a situation that would bring the strongest person to their knees. You take care of yourself, get some rest, eat something healthy and do something that makes you happy. You really must keep yourself healthy so that someday if and when your daughter wants recovery, you will be there with your wonderful mom love. Hugs, Marle
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Old 11-02-2007, 03:11 PM
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Thank you everyone...and..a special thank to Impurrrfect. I think I needed to hear what you had to say because it is all so easy to take the words of others but hearing it from someone who recovered and was in the same place as my daughter makes me beleive that I am doing what needs to be done. Again..thank you!! I too feel that even if I were to reach out to her that she would be back out there in a matter of days if not hours and I don't think I could stand that type of failure again (on my part).

I honestly think this man means well but what I don't get is his daughter is still out there and he is raising his grandson. I guess the difference is that he doesn't know where his daughter is...and..from his tone...if he did he would go and pick her up.

I know in my heart, that isn't something I can do...simply because I beleive in tough love and the saying hands off the addict. I tried to get her help when she wanted it but evidently she didn't want it bad enough or wanted it for the wrong reasons.

I think I am just having a relapse that I need to pick myself back up and dust myself off. I spoke with my husband during my major breakdown and he and I are going away this weekend just by ourselves. This is a much needed break not to mention I try not to be emotional infront of my grandchildren. They have enough greif in their life they don't need grandma losing it.

Thanks again to everyone!! This support is just awsome!!
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Old 11-02-2007, 03:13 PM
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(((TrishaV)))))
I remember way back, when BOTH of my sons (at different times) were out on the street, my mother had a very difficult time understanding why we wouldn't let them come home. My mother is 88 y.o. now, and somewhere along the line, she grasped the concept of "Letting go, Letting God"
Other than pray, there was NOTHING I could do to make my sons sober.
It was all up to them, and their H.P.

It serves no purpose for us to rescue them, and bring them home. We have to have faith that our addicts H.P. is putting them on the path he wants them to travel.



We cannot help someone that doesn't want help. Pure and simple.

Your daughter KNOWS your phone number, she also KNOWS where the closest E.R. is, she KNOWS where a shelter is. If she wants help, it is there for her.


Hugs, and prayers for you, and your daughter.
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Old 11-02-2007, 03:38 PM
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Maybe he is trying to do for your daughter what he can't do for his. Just a thought. Hugs, Marle
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Old 11-02-2007, 06:48 PM
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(((Trish))))

I feel your pain, frustration and that profound sense of loss.
I grieve the loss of what my poor son is missing out on.

I have stopped bringing him a pillow every time he reaches a bottom.

Take care of you Trish and those beautiful innocent grand kids.
Recovery happens, Miracles happen...in God's time.
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Old 11-02-2007, 07:39 PM
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(((Trisha)))

I am so sorry to hear this. Even though you knew all along that things were bad you didn't need it to be confirmed and reminded of it when your hands are tied and you cannot do a damn thing about it. He of all people should know that. I think his intentions were that he thought that he might be helping. Maybe he would like if someone did that for him and he was appauled that you didn't have the same response that he would have.

I know it hurts and it hurts bad to hear all of the awful things our daughters do to survive in their adiction. Once I had an old friend of my daughter's call me and asked me if I knew she was prostituting herself for drugs. I was crushed and I told him I didn't want to hear that and I wasn't sure if I believed it or not. He asked me if I checked her phone for numbers. I said I hadn't and even if I did I wouldn't know who those numbers were anyway. I remember telling him I did not appreciate the call. I hung up and just sat and cried my eyes out. I just felt like I wanted to die. To go to sleep and never wake up again. That was about 5 yrs. ago, and I still feel like it was yesterday. I never really found out if it were true or not. I did confront my daughter about it at the time but of course she denied it. I have since close the door on that and tried to move on. I know that she has done many things that she is not proud of when she was deep in her addiction. She has told me that herself.
We have moved forward and for today she is doing really well.

They do get better if they want to. Your daughter will too in her time. Please don't lose hope. I also have had many dark, dark days and nights and to this day do not know how I got through them....but I did.

My prayers are going out to you to mend your broken heart.

Love.........Lois
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Old 11-02-2007, 07:45 PM
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((Trisha))

I've been there, with my AH. He's called me, asked me to come to him when he'd been on a binge. I met him, fed him, talked to him for a half hour, and then left him on the streets he'd been walking for days. I wouldn't take him home. The hardest thing I ever did was drive away, but I knew I couldn't help him any more than I did.
I know what this man said hurt, and I understand the pain you're going through, so much more than my own because it's your daughter.
My prayers are with, you are not alone.
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Old 11-02-2007, 08:19 PM
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Originally Posted by mooselips View Post
(((TrishaV)))))

It serves no purpose for us to rescue them, and bring them home. We have to have faith that our addicts H.P. is putting them on the path he wants them to travel.


We cannot help someone that doesn't want help. Pure and simple.
Well said, mooselips. I have had to learn this too. I am standing back and letting my children make their own choices what ever that may be. The oldest is doing what I would call "fair". The other is in jail.
Nothing I do ever made any difference.
I did, and still do pray for peace in my soul and for help to let go every single day.

TrishaV, I am so sorry you are going through this anquish. I know it well. For me, I just prayed very sincerely and talked it out. I still have to do this!
I hope that today you can find peace too.
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Old 11-02-2007, 08:41 PM
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I'm surprised by what he said since he mentioned he went through it with his daughter and lost his wife to drugs. Why doesn't he know that sometimes you have to let go of it all so that they can get better? Since he said he would contact you again I hope that he rethinks his opinion.

All you need to know is that you love your daughter, he doesn't have to be convinced of it. I'm glad his daughter is sober (thats what I got from it anyway) but we all deal with it alittle different and he should know that.

You're a good and loving person, don't think on it too much.
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Old 11-03-2007, 06:06 AM
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(((Trish))) Sending big hugs to you and huge prayers for your daughter. As you know, all the love in the world cannot help your daughter. She has to help herself. I am sorry for what this man said to you. Try to let those words just roll off your back. You are a wonderful mom.
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Old 11-03-2007, 06:53 AM
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Trish -

Glad to see you're going away from the weekend. You deserve some "me time". I'm also glad I could help you see that you really are doing the best thing you can for your daughter - I know all of you have helped me a LOT!

Hugs and prayers!!

Amy
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