tough love sure hurts!
StrivingToThrive
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: san diego, ca
Posts: 425
tough love sure hurts!
Well I made two phone calls to the two people I love most in this world. My son and my separated husband. ( never know what to call him).
To my son I said, " that I would not send him $ for a haircut for his court date (after I kind of said yes and realized it wasn't a good idea.) He had also asked me if i could send him nicotine patches as he wants to try to stop smoking. So when I said I wasn't going to send any $ he preceded to say goodbye.
I later called my husband(?) to tell him that we couldn't "date" anymore, which was what we had slipped into doing, until he went back into counseling and addressed his depression again. He couldn't say anything except that he was pretty shook-up, he thought we were doing good. ( yeah cause dating is easy!)
So my codependent self knows that they will both probably alienate me. I won't here from them for a while. So even as I was talking to them, sure of what I was doing, that little voice, that part of me that needs to be loved, wanted to take it all back. So they both would be happy with me, love me, and still need me. ( sucky huh?)
I know i needed to do this. but it really hurts and feels very lonely, but also feels right. ( If that makes any since?)
The only chance my husband and i have is if he admits he has a problem and is willing to get help for it.
the only chance my son has is if he faces all of this life on his own.
thanks for letting me , let it out tonight.
Looking at all the posts, something seems to be in the air.
To my son I said, " that I would not send him $ for a haircut for his court date (after I kind of said yes and realized it wasn't a good idea.) He had also asked me if i could send him nicotine patches as he wants to try to stop smoking. So when I said I wasn't going to send any $ he preceded to say goodbye.
I later called my husband(?) to tell him that we couldn't "date" anymore, which was what we had slipped into doing, until he went back into counseling and addressed his depression again. He couldn't say anything except that he was pretty shook-up, he thought we were doing good. ( yeah cause dating is easy!)
So my codependent self knows that they will both probably alienate me. I won't here from them for a while. So even as I was talking to them, sure of what I was doing, that little voice, that part of me that needs to be loved, wanted to take it all back. So they both would be happy with me, love me, and still need me. ( sucky huh?)
I know i needed to do this. but it really hurts and feels very lonely, but also feels right. ( If that makes any since?)
The only chance my husband and i have is if he admits he has a problem and is willing to get help for it.
the only chance my son has is if he faces all of this life on his own.
thanks for letting me , let it out tonight.
Looking at all the posts, something seems to be in the air.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Sometimes, when the ball is in the other court.... I need to go off and play checkers.
Call a gal friend and go to lunch! Join a reading club (check at the library). Volunteer at the animal shelter (they need blankets, towels and bleach, btw). Call the senior services and see if they need someone to come read in the evenings.
Once you are all tangled up in these other events.... the time will go by fast, and you may discover that both your son and your ex/sorta will need to "take a number" to get a bit of your time!
(((hugs))))
Call a gal friend and go to lunch! Join a reading club (check at the library). Volunteer at the animal shelter (they need blankets, towels and bleach, btw). Call the senior services and see if they need someone to come read in the evenings.
Once you are all tangled up in these other events.... the time will go by fast, and you may discover that both your son and your ex/sorta will need to "take a number" to get a bit of your time!
(((hugs))))
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
(((((Cathy)))))) It seems that being right can feel lonely. Remember this too shall pass. This is a good time to rally support. Call friends to spend time with
this weekend. Any new comedies out to see? Distraction is sometimes a good option.
Are you still in Love with your EX ? If so, I hope he chooses counseling.
I am in my 3rd marriage. My 2nd divorce was tough. But I am married to a wonderful man who is love of my life for 13 yrs now. The yrs. betw marriage turned out to be great too. Wonderful friendships were developed. I think things happen just as they should. You are having to set some boundaries and unfort. addicts usually just react by estrangement and w/holding as they don't offer unconditional love.
I know these are tough times. My heart goes out to you. ((((((Cathy))))))
this weekend. Any new comedies out to see? Distraction is sometimes a good option.
Are you still in Love with your EX ? If so, I hope he chooses counseling.
I am in my 3rd marriage. My 2nd divorce was tough. But I am married to a wonderful man who is love of my life for 13 yrs now. The yrs. betw marriage turned out to be great too. Wonderful friendships were developed. I think things happen just as they should. You are having to set some boundaries and unfort. addicts usually just react by estrangement and w/holding as they don't offer unconditional love.
I know these are tough times. My heart goes out to you. ((((((Cathy))))))
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
It may be lonely, but I'd rather be lonely alone than with someone I love. And alone doesn't have to mean lonely for long, it may just mean changing focus and reconnecting with people who are supporting and want to share your life, just as you are.
BigSis has some great suggestions, I know that getting out of myself for a while can help me too.
Hugs
BigSis has some great suggestions, I know that getting out of myself for a while can help me too.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
I know it hurts. We codies want to be loved so much and we think that the only way that someone will love us is if we sacrifice ourselves for them. I know that is how I have felt in the past with my daughter. When I stopped giving, she did stop contacting me. But I had gotten to the point where the resentment was eating me alive. I have decided that I will wait for a healthy relationship and if that doesn't happen I will have to be content to know that God has other plans for me. Hugs, Marle
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: NJ
Posts: 702
I know how you are feeling. Take a deep breath and repeat I am working on ME. The hardest thing in the world to do. Tough love is LOVE, you want to help the addict, and are doing it the best way. Go to meetings and do something fun for you.
Hugs coming to you,
Hugs coming to you,
StrivingToThrive
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: san diego, ca
Posts: 425
Good morning everyone, and a thank you again, to you my friends.
Yes I know I will be lonely, and this first weekend will especially be hard. I was tired of the resentment I was feeling and knew that once again, it was making me sicker than both of them.
with my son, I am undertstanding more clearly why I hate setting boundaries. Because they make me realize how sick he is! and i often want to hide from that.
and "SS",
Yes I do still Love my husband but am beginning to accept that it may not be a good thing. He will need to accept and grow a lot for this to happen. And I'm not sure this can happen. It is my second marriage also and i don't want to fail again. although I am not making any decisions right now, I am setting up boundaries that are focused on my needs and wants for a change.
Even as i do what I know is right for me, its amazing how old thoughts of doubt and low self-worth try to invade my head. I am fighting them a bit though.
Having both hit at the same time is hard, and not on purpose, but i am hoping it will be a big growth spurt for me.
SO I will go to meetings and stay busy. do something fun. I will try to break out of my old pattern of shutting myself up around my fears and worries, and alienating myself.:praying
Thanks for being here,
Cathy
Yes I know I will be lonely, and this first weekend will especially be hard. I was tired of the resentment I was feeling and knew that once again, it was making me sicker than both of them.
with my son, I am undertstanding more clearly why I hate setting boundaries. Because they make me realize how sick he is! and i often want to hide from that.
and "SS",
Yes I do still Love my husband but am beginning to accept that it may not be a good thing. He will need to accept and grow a lot for this to happen. And I'm not sure this can happen. It is my second marriage also and i don't want to fail again. although I am not making any decisions right now, I am setting up boundaries that are focused on my needs and wants for a change.
Even as i do what I know is right for me, its amazing how old thoughts of doubt and low self-worth try to invade my head. I am fighting them a bit though.
Having both hit at the same time is hard, and not on purpose, but i am hoping it will be a big growth spurt for me.
SO I will go to meetings and stay busy. do something fun. I will try to break out of my old pattern of shutting myself up around my fears and worries, and alienating myself.:praying
Thanks for being here,
Cathy
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