I Did It!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Edmonton, AB
Posts: 42
I Did It!!!
Well I did it I made a firm boundary and I think he got it! For those of you who don't know my AAH was using and drinking, I origionally thought it was just drinking, silly me. We I like the good codie I am got him off to rehab, my bottom not his. He made it 88 days and relapsed. He has currently been activly using since mid ish September.
Well last night he went out with a buddy and didn't walk through the door till 6am. I was worried, scared, anxious, you know the drill, and of course I didn't sleep well. But when they walked through the door I didn't yell but they knew I was peeved. I went to the gym and ran (yay! me stuff), it's such a good stress relief. So I thought about it at work all morning, what do I need to do to change the situation so I don't become crazy reacting to his behaviour and actions. My daily meditation book today spoke of taking care of me which I did but then I flipped to another page. You know how it seems to turn to the right one? It landed on a page about acceptance, I didn't get it right away but I do now. At lunch I prayed for acceptance, strength and guidance.
After work I came home and talked with my AAH. He apoligized yet again for his actions...I've heard it all before. But I kept my mouth shut. I calmly explained that when he goes out all night I worry, I get scared, my anxiety goes through the roof and it all makes me sick and then I don't sleep. That all rolled together makes me crazy and it's unhealthy for me. I told him that if it happened again he would have to leave for a while. I didn't want to live like this anymore because it's making me sick. He looked a little suprized but not shocked. I asked him if he understood what I was saying and he said yes.
I think it's a good strong healthy boundary. I know that the "leave for a while" is a bit vauge but I didn't feel comfortable with forever. I guess I need to figure out what a "while" is and what needs to go with that...
Well last night he went out with a buddy and didn't walk through the door till 6am. I was worried, scared, anxious, you know the drill, and of course I didn't sleep well. But when they walked through the door I didn't yell but they knew I was peeved. I went to the gym and ran (yay! me stuff), it's such a good stress relief. So I thought about it at work all morning, what do I need to do to change the situation so I don't become crazy reacting to his behaviour and actions. My daily meditation book today spoke of taking care of me which I did but then I flipped to another page. You know how it seems to turn to the right one? It landed on a page about acceptance, I didn't get it right away but I do now. At lunch I prayed for acceptance, strength and guidance.
After work I came home and talked with my AAH. He apoligized yet again for his actions...I've heard it all before. But I kept my mouth shut. I calmly explained that when he goes out all night I worry, I get scared, my anxiety goes through the roof and it all makes me sick and then I don't sleep. That all rolled together makes me crazy and it's unhealthy for me. I told him that if it happened again he would have to leave for a while. I didn't want to live like this anymore because it's making me sick. He looked a little suprized but not shocked. I asked him if he understood what I was saying and he said yes.
I think it's a good strong healthy boundary. I know that the "leave for a while" is a bit vauge but I didn't feel comfortable with forever. I guess I need to figure out what a "while" is and what needs to go with that...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Way to go!!
Don't worry about being "vague"....if it comes to making him leave "for a while", THEN you can define how long that is. And even then, YOU are entitled to change that length of time according to what YOU need.
I think you did really good. Just remember, for a boundary to work, you have to enforce it...it sounds to me like you're willing to do that.
You'll be amazed at how, once you start setting and enforcing your boundaries, it becomes easier - at least it has for me. It's like realizing "wow, I don't have to put up with this". I'm finding I can walk away from unhealthy situations now, even if it means going to my room and leaving the "situation" in the other room.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Don't worry about being "vague"....if it comes to making him leave "for a while", THEN you can define how long that is. And even then, YOU are entitled to change that length of time according to what YOU need.
I think you did really good. Just remember, for a boundary to work, you have to enforce it...it sounds to me like you're willing to do that.
You'll be amazed at how, once you start setting and enforcing your boundaries, it becomes easier - at least it has for me. It's like realizing "wow, I don't have to put up with this". I'm finding I can walk away from unhealthy situations now, even if it means going to my room and leaving the "situation" in the other room.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Edmonton, AB
Posts: 42
Thanks, I'm proud of myself but still so very sad. I really don't want to be divorced for the second time.
I think my cat realized I needed some extra support tonight, she's been on my lap for an hour now. A little unusual for her.
I think my cat realized I needed some extra support tonight, she's been on my lap for an hour now. A little unusual for her.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Omak WA
Posts: 1,049
Prarie,
I stuck with an abusive marriage because I didn't want to be divorced for a second time and it was the most wrong thing I have ever done in my life. My son and two daughters did survive it but I barely did and ended up drinking myself over that invisible line after I divorced him. Just be sure to take care of YOU...you are most important today. :bounce
kelsh
I stuck with an abusive marriage because I didn't want to be divorced for a second time and it was the most wrong thing I have ever done in my life. My son and two daughters did survive it but I barely did and ended up drinking myself over that invisible line after I divorced him. Just be sure to take care of YOU...you are most important today. :bounce
kelsh
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
yea (((prairie)))
Boundaries are so good for you and him. He needs them as much as you do.
It is not right for me to let someone hurt and use me. Love cannot survive or grow without justice and balance. So I am doing grave injustice to both myself and them when when I allow another to mistreat me in any way.
How can I forgive without balance. I get balanced by not taking or giving any BS.
Boundaries are so good for you and him. He needs them as much as you do.
It is not right for me to let someone hurt and use me. Love cannot survive or grow without justice and balance. So I am doing grave injustice to both myself and them when when I allow another to mistreat me in any way.
How can I forgive without balance. I get balanced by not taking or giving any BS.
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
I did not want to be divorced for a second time so I decided not to marry again.
However, that did not stop me from having a BF and eventually "shacking up." That lasted a year and he was gone.. Drug Addict for 40 years... If a guy says he is clean but is not in recovery of any kind, he is likely not being honest...
He is outta my life for good and the entire process was, on an emotional level, just like a divorce. It was just NOT like a divorce financially so I did not have to give up MY home, MY car and truck or MY things. That material stuff was the ONLY difference.
IF a guy ever comes back into my life I will be very very cautious, but at this point I don't want that, don't care if I ever have that. No more of this... "once burned the stove's fault.. Twice burned MY fault.' I vow for no third time.
You will get through this I am sure. It may be your boundary that makes him seek being clean for good. Your time frame needs no definition at this point. You can define taht at any time if he decides to use again.
Good Luck to you!
However, that did not stop me from having a BF and eventually "shacking up." That lasted a year and he was gone.. Drug Addict for 40 years... If a guy says he is clean but is not in recovery of any kind, he is likely not being honest...
He is outta my life for good and the entire process was, on an emotional level, just like a divorce. It was just NOT like a divorce financially so I did not have to give up MY home, MY car and truck or MY things. That material stuff was the ONLY difference.
IF a guy ever comes back into my life I will be very very cautious, but at this point I don't want that, don't care if I ever have that. No more of this... "once burned the stove's fault.. Twice burned MY fault.' I vow for no third time.
You will get through this I am sure. It may be your boundary that makes him seek being clean for good. Your time frame needs no definition at this point. You can define taht at any time if he decides to use again.
Good Luck to you!
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