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Triggered by Halloween

Old 11-01-2007, 05:57 AM
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Triggered by Halloween

So last night was Halloween. We had some of the most adorable kids come to the door and say twick or tweat. Little pieces of heaven I tell ya. So that was my trigger last night as ridiculous as it sounds.

I love kids and I want kids. What I really want is to start trying now. See, I have polycystic ovarian syndrome and that can make it very very difficult to ever get pregnant. I've already been told by my obgyn that it'll probably take a year or so of at least trying before my insurance will cover me for a fertility drug. Now, just because I have it doesn't mean I won't get pregnant immediately but the chances are slim. The moon would have to be in the right phase, the oceans would have to be at the right tide and the planets would have to be in perfect alignment. Oh yeah, and we'd have to know all that.

BUT, because of HIS addiction we can't start trying for a while, until he has more clean time under his belt. Alot of clean time actually. That was his idea too. he wants to make sure he is in the right place to have kids. Atleast that's how it played out in my head last night.

Realistically, I know its the best thing because we need to make sure its the right time for both of us but it got me way down last night and I was cranky and aggravated after there were no more trick or treaters and I could get into my own head and visit. I did catch myself and I went to bed with RAH wonder what in the heck was wrong with me.

I woke up with this big chip on my shoulder about this and am really going to have to do some diggin in my tool box to get out of this one.

Its amazing how something so sweet could trigger me into such a bad place.....sheesh.....

Just venting.....
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Old 11-01-2007, 06:08 AM
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((((Jwife))))
Its not silly at all.
What you are experiencing is very natural I would think, and even though you know the drill of the near future, it doesn't mean that you still don't feel a little ripped off in all of this.
Addiction sends its consequences off in a pretty wide range. I think I'd feel resentment if put in the same situation.
But working through those resentments is what makes us stronger and more able to handle things as they come.
Hang in there ((((Jwife)))
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Old 11-01-2007, 06:26 AM
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((jwife))

Sending lots of Hugs and Prayers.

B
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Old 11-01-2007, 07:00 AM
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(((((jwife)))) it is not silly. just take it one day at a time. prayers,
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Old 11-01-2007, 07:29 AM
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Jwife22,
I can understand your frustration, I think it's hard for us codies to sit back and wait. Especially when it is something SO important.

My thinking is that my H.P. has a plan for each of us, and when the time is right, he will make it so.



Hugs,
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Old 11-01-2007, 07:35 AM
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me too

Jwife, I went through the EXACT same thing! And I'm so glad you posted because I felt like the most selfish person on earth.

My first trick-or-treater came to the door - an adorable little blonde girl dressed as a wizard. She looked so cute - my heart melted. Thankfully, I made it through a conversation with her mother, but as I closed the door, tears welled up in my eyes and my situation never seemed so bleak.

I want nothing more than to have a family, but recently divorcing my now EXAH didn't bring me any closer to that wish. So I hear ya, girl! But be thankful that your RAH is willing to work on his recovery. Mine wasn't, so I'm at square one.
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Old 11-01-2007, 07:59 AM
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What you are experiencing is very natural I would think, and even though you know the drill of the near future, it doesn't mean that you still don't feel a little ripped off in all of this.
((cece)) Yeah. Sometimes I do feel ripped off in all of this. Sometimes I feel bad about feeling ripped off cause I'm not taking care of cleaning up the mess he made while he was an addict, he is and I can imagine that's alot of work.

Man, just goes to show, you can never get complacent. This one issue is bringing about others that I don't know, maybe I stuffed down cause I didn't want to think about. Uh oh........time for some serious recovery review.

Thank you ((Hope)) ((Frankly))

((moose)) Impatient I am. That's a work in progress and will be forever.
My thinking is that my H.P. has a plan for each of us, and when the time is right, he will make it so.
Yes, I know but sometimes its so hard to turn something we want so bad over.


((dazed))

I sure did get angry. The child that did it for me was a chubby little child who was hardley old enough to walk in a chicken costume....he was adorable and I wanted to be able to have that with a child of my own.

Yes, he is working on his recovery and we both have a long way to go. Its hard sometimes but I am very grateful he got tired of the drug life.

Well get through it (((Dazed)))
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Old 11-01-2007, 09:15 AM
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(((((Laura))))))

Glad you brought this here...You are not selfish to think this way...I think it is completely understandable and natural. Sometimes doing the right thing can be really frustrating. But for the sake of the kids you and your husband will have, I am so grateful that you both want to be sure you are ready to be parents before bringing them into this world. Meanwhile....here's a big squishy hug...I hope you feel more seerene again soon.
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Old 11-01-2007, 12:42 PM
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Laura, as selfish as this may sound, I have experienced and sometimes still do the same thing you are feeling, but about having a second child. I am extremely blessed to have my little boy and I would take nothing in this world for him, but sometimes I relly like the thought oif having a 2nd child, but our situation has made that impossible right now. No real words of advice because I struggle with this too, but know you are not alone. I hold you in my prayers and thoughts.
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Old 11-01-2007, 01:53 PM
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But for the sake of the kids you and your husband will have, I am so grateful that you both want to be sure you are ready to be parents before bringing them into this world.
Yes, I def. don't want to bring a child into the world of active addiction. So we need some years under the belt before it will happen. If I got preg. to soon I would def. feel selfish because I did it for me and not for the best interest of the baby.
I needed a big ol squishy hug today......thanks anne marie.

(((Wendy)))

Its hard sometimes isn't it. Sometimes I start to rationalize it to myself in my head (I'm tellin ya, that's such a dangerous place sometimes) but I always stop myself because I realize what a problem it would be if he were to use again. I dunno. I suppose its kickin in hard too because I got 2 preg coworkers right now. Sheesh.....I'm feelin down.

I talked to hubby about it. He is gonna cook dinner for me tonight and I appreciate that.
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Old 11-01-2007, 06:12 PM
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Hey- how about a big old fat hug?

Love you!!!!
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Old 11-02-2007, 05:36 AM
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Thank you Hummingbird. I love big ol fat hugs!

Feeling a little better today. Still haven't talked to hubby about it because I want to make sure I'm not spewin venom because of some resentments I hold. I gotta get it all worked out in my head first.
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