If you EVER think You Are Cured from CoDependant behavior.....

Old 10-31-2007, 06:22 PM
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If you EVER think You Are Cured from CoDependant behavior.....

Here is the story. As most of you know XABF moved out just over a year ago. I pined and wept and came to SR and went to AlAnon and did the Melody Beattie books. I improved. I have come a LONG way baby.

I found out XABF had been cheating. The broken hearted crap went out the window and was replaced by rage and the rage has slowly been replaced by acceptance of the whole thing, but not forgetting.. a feeling of calm most of the time has replaced the rage. I still feel violated though.. and that is going to take more time. At least I understand that it will take time and I can let it happen.

But, recovery ain't cure and "most of the time" doesn't mean always and forever. Just remember that.

So here is what happened.

My XABF owes me money. He will likely always owe me money. He has no credit and used my name to get credit from the unsuspecting after he moved out and after I found out about the cheating yadda yadda yadda....

Anyhow, I do not believe a debt of money should be forgiven and I sure do not think using my name to get credit is a good thing. So, since publishing in the NewsPaper that I no longer have any association to XABF no longer holds legal water in my State, I sent out letters. I sent out letters to everyone who may have known he lived here stating that he and his business no longer reside here; I am not responsible for any debts incurred by him or his business and to get hold of him, he now lives at and I give out his current legal addy and his current PO box addy. He keeps two addys so he can correspond and cheat on whoever he is living with and so he can do his "deals" out of her sight (his MO). I sent these to everyone.. the IRS, State Tax, advertising accounts, all the various vendors etc.

Three times I have sent these letters out as bills have arrived for him at my house for him, but sent to me (they know I paid them in the past).

Before doing any of this (sending out letters) I had asked him repeatedly to not use my Addy and to get his changed. He did not do it.

No letters have gone out in a while. However, every month I send him a bill for the money he owes (No expectation but I believe if I do nothing, nothing will happen.. and if I do something it improves the odds that maybe he will pay me.. so I do it).

Recently I received something I assume was from him. It had no return addy and no letter or signature.. was just info off the internet that was something he wanted me to see. The information was threatening. I burned this. It was of no interest to me and anonymous stuff gets burned along with any other papers I don't want to go out in the trash.

Well, none of this has happened in awhile.. no anonymous letters in and no letters from me out..

BUT, today I go get my mail and there is a letter in there and it has no return address (this is how he sent the other stuff.. no return addy). I put it back in the box and took my walk and the whole walk I stressed over this stupid thing in the mail box.. "What aggravation is he causing me now" was all I could think. I was really UP TIGHT about it.

And as I am walking along I am thinking that I will just take it and burn it and never open it. Yes. That was my decision. And I STRESSED over that!!!!!! Geeze Loueeeze!!!!

So I get back from my walk and pick up the mail. I look again at the No return Addy letter and can see thru the envelope that it is printed (not hand written like the envelope) and it appears to have a logo on it, which is not at ALL like XABF. I decide to open it.

Now.. what is next Tuesday? Huh? What DAY is it? Could it be ELECTION DAY? In the envelope, with a 1st class stamp on it is a CAMPAIGN LETTER. It is NOTHING from the X.. nothing from his current GF.. NOTHING AT ALL TO STRESS OVER. It is simply someone asking for my Vote.

It took me over an HOUR to settle down from this silliness (MY silliness). I have thought some on this and I gotta say, "Once a Codie, Always a Codie!"

One thing this DID do for me was to make me think that I should just quit sending this jerk ball any more bills. Let that go too, tho it KILLS me to do it. I used to work in collections and I was GOOD at it. I got money from people who hadn't paid in months. I belive if you incur debt you should pay it..

But you know, sometimes it just ain't worth it.
I think tonight proved that, even to hard headed me.
__________________________________________________ ____________________
PS: Please Vote. If you don't vote you have not had your one legal say.. and if you don't vote you have no right to complain about the Guvmint.. so Vote and complain cuz that is your right and not everyone has that right!!
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Old 10-31-2007, 06:54 PM
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I go throught this in a different way with my mom. The stress, the obsessing.
But, I am learning and I have come a very long way.
You're so right Elana, that recovery is not a cure. It's a lifelong journey into ourselves that, when we work at it, we become better people, and more able to enjoy life. Little by little and inch by inch things improve over time. Recovery means a lot of things, but for me, its recognizing when I am obsessing, and stopping it in it's tracks.

Oh, I love your signature. I am always telling people to vote!!
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Old 10-31-2007, 07:10 PM
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You are so right that the codieness lingers ready to strike when we're not looking. I catch myself often, but at least, like you, I catch myself.

It's all your choice, but it seems to me that his owing you money gives him the power to make you happy or not happy, to make you work trying to get it especially when you have always been good at doing that.

I think I would either turn it over to a lawyer to pursue or just let it go and detach from the whole thing.

Hugs and thanks for the reminder to stay diligent in my recovery.
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Old 10-31-2007, 07:43 PM
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Great post...I had to smile. I could picture myself in your shoes stressing over the mail, then smacking myself upside the head.
You're right...some things just are not worth the space they take in our heads. Hugs
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Old 11-01-2007, 03:05 AM
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I agree, I think at this point sending the bills is just putting this in your face one more day each month. If I could afford (not that it would be comfortable) to forget about the money and walk away I would.

On the envelop thing. I have a sil who was estranged from her ad. She hoped that every "caller i.d. unknown" that showed up was her daughter. When there would be silence on the line she was sure of it. I never could convince her that this was at that time a ploy used by teller marketers, to have the computer dial until it got a "live one" and then transer the call to a tm, hense the silence. I didn't think of that as codie behavior though but it makes some sense now, at least from the standpoint of obsession and denial. Hoping that someone can help me understand a little better, but I thought my sil was being irrational and maybe a little paranoid?
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Old 11-01-2007, 04:20 AM
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you made yet another step in your recovery. let it go. he owns you money but you know he is not going to pay it & every month it puts your mind back on him. i am glad you came to the conclussion that it is not worth it,he is not worth it. you let him ruin another day for you & for what? you are doing so good in your recovery.hugs,
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Old 11-01-2007, 09:28 AM
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Hi Elana,

I've done things like this too. God, I'm the worst.

When I think of you bringing him to the front of your mind once a month, just long enough to send him another bill, I just tense up inside.

He isn't going to pay you.
He isn't learning a lesson by receiving your bills. He's probably burning YOURS without opening them.
You're not getting anything out of it but stress and contact with him (or the thought of him)
He doesn't deserve to be in your brain any more.

Your choice, naturally, might think about whether this is doing you any good. A debt is a debt, but unless you REALLY want to pursue it through the court system, you may want to just send an annual invoice, right before a cleansing ritual (preferably one that involves burning him in effigy). Or better yet stop altogether and kick him out of your head.

He's not getting away with anything that he hasn't already gotten away with. Life will catch up with him in its proper time.

Hugs to you, I've been there.
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Old 11-01-2007, 09:37 AM
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Originally Posted by GiveLove View Post
He's not getting away with anything that he hasn't already gotten away with. Life will catch up with him in its proper time.
Oh yes.. I SOOO AGREE. I decided last night writing all that stuff that I am not going to send him anymore bills.

The fact that life will catch up with him someday is the thing that allows me to let go. As I have said here before, and to paraphrase one of my favorite books of all time, Lonesome Dove (Larry McMurtry) about not following revenge or allowing the actions of someone destroy your life because we don't NEED to do it: "You don't need to do this. One of his own will shoot him or a horse will fall on him or he will just get old and die..."

Time takes care of time. I need to take care of me. This foolishness (on my part last night) is simply a reminder to me to do just THAT!

Thanks for the hugs. I am at work and Oliver can't be here to give me his kitty hugs!
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Old 11-01-2007, 10:56 AM
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Hugs from the pupz too. I thought of you last night as we watched the dogs try to follow every single kid home on their trick-or-treat route, smiling, tails wagging. Of course, the kids were all coming to the door to visit THEM, and so we had to call them back about sixty times....Halloween is their second-favorite holiday, next to the leftovers-fest that is Thanksgiving....

Larry McMurtry's right. People who spray their negativity and pain around will attract it right back to themselves, given enough time. There's little doubt of that.

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Old 11-01-2007, 11:30 AM
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No Trick Or Treaters at my house GL. None. too rural. I don't even bother with candy anymore.. haven't in years.

My dog is learning to sit or lie down and let people (including kids) come up to HER. She is mostly 100% on it though I need to give her reminders. This is the hardest thing for her.. she is only 10 months old! However, I think it is necessary for her to wait for people to come to her and to not go up to people until given permission.

She is doing very well at her sheep herding. I need to make a decision as to continuing this training ($$ being the issue.. and access to sheep.. it may be cheaper for me to own 3 sheep than to take her for training!).

My animals give me the greatest pleasure of all that I have right now. We do have a good time!

Back at your pupz on the hugs! Even some from my cats.
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Old 11-03-2007, 04:48 AM
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Cynical one... I did that but mail still comes through and the forward expires in 6 months. His did anyway. I got a package from his lawyer to settle his Mother's Estate (for instance). If it is less than First Class it doesn't forward and a bunch of other things the forward expires on within 90 days.

He had stuff forwarded to a PO Box. Well for ID purposes, the IRS, DMV and State Tax people want your LEGAL address.. and a PO box won't cut it.

He is slippery. He used to work for a few different process servers and a bounty hunter. fortunately (for me) this was before the "electronic age" where information is easily gotten AND transferred and shared between sources. He knows ways to "disappear" and has in the past to allow the Statue of Limitations run on money he has owed to the IRS and others.

How the heck I ever got wrapped up ins this low-life still amazes me. It is that fact alone that has me well determined to not share my life again with any so-called partner. Who do you trust? I knew this guy for 6 years... or thought I did.

Nope. Better to live alone with no one than share life with a scam artist or a scum bag or a drug addict or an alcoholic.

I am happy now in so many ways. I find the single life a whole lot simpler and much more easily handled (until the car breaks down!). I have a distance I keep from relationships that is my comfort range... about 1000 feet...
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Old 11-03-2007, 05:20 AM
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Aww Sweety, So sorry to read you got so upset over something that turned out to be nothing. As far as being a Codie I also will always be one no matter how hard I try. You just have to work at it everyday & know your boundaries.
So glad to read how well Atka is doing with her classes.

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Old 11-03-2007, 05:48 AM
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Elana -

You're not alone - you've got your furbabies!! Glad to see the dog is doing well in her training and I hope you can keep it up, because I can tell how much you enjoy it.

Hugs to you and your furbabies, from me and mine!

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