Does it ever get easier...

Old 10-31-2007, 03:07 PM
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Does it ever get easier...

Hi everyone,
Happy Halloween!!!
I just feel so lost right unable to take my mind off of my addict and what he's doing at all times. I'm attending Naranon meetings every week, attending a family program run by the outpatient program he's attending every week, i am reading posts on here, i am trying to talk to others to get things off my chest and mind but it just feels like it's not getting any easier. I'm not a very patient person to begin with so I am sure a lot of what I am feeling is because I want this fixed NOW but the reality is that can't and won't happen. It takes time....a LOT of time and a LOT of patience.
My husband had 31 days clean and relapsed (or had a set back as some had called it) for 1 day and told me about it 4 days later. This weekend it will be 3 weeks clean and I don't know if I am starting to anticipate that come week 4 that something will happen again - he's admitted to me, his sponsor, his iop group and counselor that when the "big days" come around for him (i.e 30 days) that he starts to slack on everything and that is when a relapse happens. He's working his program, goes to iop 3x/week, goes to naranon 5x/week and mandatory aa meetings 2x/week after his iop program. I've started to see small improvements but it is so hard for me to try to start to move on and focus on myself instead of worrying about him all the time. I don't know if I am trying to convince myself that something is going on when nothing is with him because i need the chaos in my life or because i feel so out of control right now because i can't control him. I know I am codependent (i am trying to read "codependent no more") but everything that is written about letting go, focusing on myself is so much easier to "read" than do. How do I do that? This is my impatience talking because I want answers NOW and I know I can not get them from anyone. That in time this will work for me...
Will I ever trust him again? Will I ever believe him again? Will I ever believe in him again? Will we ever have a real marriage instead of what it's been for the past 1 1/2 years of our marriage - his addiction (we'll be married 2 years on Nov 12) and relapses and now his ?recovery? When will the "old" me be back - the one who smiled and laughed and knew how to take care of herself and be self-sufficient and self-dependent and how to live....I do miss that person. She has to be inside me somewhere...right???
I am totally rambling on and on about nothing and everything. What a better place to do it than here, right?!
i am sitting here right now when i should be on the treadmill working out - that's one of the things i told myself i would do to start to focus on me again; i told myself that i would start to study for my certification that i've been trying for a year to study for (haven't done that yet either). am i just a procrastinator or is his addiction and my trying to control things consuming everything else in my life? i know the answer to that.....
well, the trick or treaters are going to be here soon so i better go....can't deny the candy to the kids!!!
thank you for listening to my rant.
hope everyone has a happy halloween!
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Old 10-31-2007, 03:13 PM
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Let me assure you, I was in that same mind frame. Always wanting answers, and even when I would get an answer, it was never enough of an answer.

You have admitted this keeping up with him is making you insane. Always pouring all our energy into an addict will only leave us empty, and exhausted with not one ounce of anything for our own self.

May I suggest you take a class? Something YOU do just for yourself. Maybe you like art, or photography, or crafting. Any thing you like to do there is probably a class for it in the community. Trust me, this will help you take your mind off the addict! You just might enjoy it too!

Keep going to your meetings and don't give up. You're going to have an awakening. The kind that makes you realize you're going to be ok.
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Old 10-31-2007, 04:49 PM
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I was a worrier, 24 hours a day I lived in fear.

Then I started to listen when people told me that worry is a wasted emotion and that it will not change the outcome. We can't worry someone clean but we can worry ourselves to death.

You're right, it takes time, but it comes and when it does you'll see it and all the work you have done will be worthwhile.

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Old 10-31-2007, 05:47 PM
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Worrying was my middle name. It took a lot of effort for me to let go of the worry. I realize that I wasted a lot of time in the land of worry and the older I get the less I want to be there. We can only control ourselves. Nothing changes that basic truth. Prayers that your husband stays in recovery. Hugs, Marle
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Old 10-31-2007, 06:13 PM
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it takes time but you are going in th eright direction.keep the focus on you.prayers,
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Old 10-31-2007, 06:17 PM
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The only way I could stop projecting was to catch myself...I'd even talk to myself out loud (in the lots of strange looks from other drivers, but it worked) I would ask myself just how exactly does all this worry and negative thought change anything? doesn't; I simply can not control this. That's what helped me "get" step 1. I couldn't surrender until I proved to myself logically that my thoughts were doing absolutely nothing but making me sick. It took lots of practice (and still does sometimes) to move past the worry, but it time. Hugs...just keep doing what you are doing and catching yourself when you get into future tripping and little by little it will come together.
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Old 10-31-2007, 06:34 PM
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It took me awhile to get it. I wanted an answer to when I would feel better, when things would get better. I wanted to know at that moment. It took me time to figure out that it would come in time. I started working on one minute at a time than one hour, than a couple of hours. Now most days I go one day at a time. I don't worr y as much about what will happen next, because I know I can't control it, only my HP can. Keep going to meetings until you find the one you really like.
Hugs coming to you
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Old 11-03-2007, 07:19 AM
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Hi Doodle. Although you have already gotton some GREAT advice.....I wanted to offer mine. If you will, go and read my posts on here they will explain my story to you concerning my addict. For a year I worried, cried, questioned him, pleaded, begged, did EVERYTHING I knew to do to try to make myself believe that I could change him. During this time I also lost my 98 year old Grandmother who raised me all my life. It was like losing my Mother. On Sept 18 this year on my way to a doctors appointment I almost had a TOTAL mental breakdown, because of losing my Grandmother and because of everything my addict had put me through. When I told my story to my doctor he prescribed Zoloft for me for depression. I have taken it faithfully everyday. It has done wonders for me, as far as making things that were once MAJOR big to me, seem small. I'M NOT giving medical advice here.....I'm simply saying PLEASE take care of YOU!! All the worrying you can do will NOT change your addict, but will only put you in an earlier grave. You're not the one with the "problem", so you don't deserve to worry yourself sick like I did, yet just like me you love the one with the "problem". ALL we can do for them, and the other people we love in our lives is do the best we can by them and take care of OURSELVES. I have come to realize since my breakdown Sept 17th, that I can not change my addict anymore than I can change the fact that God took my Grandma. When she left me I wanted to go too. I lost my will to live. For a year (almost to the day, b/c she left Sept 18, 2006) I cried daily. Yet, that breakdown did something to me.....I realized I couldn't bring her back, and I HAD to go on for my 3 kids and my Grandson. She would have wanted that. I have also realized that worrying about my addict will only drive me crazy in the end, and thus take me away from my kids and Grandson. Only HE can change HIM, only HE can control HIM. I can "want" him to stay clean and have a good marriage with me, BUT I can't make him want the same thing. HE has to do that on his own, as does yours. I hope I've said something here that helps you, and please know that you're NOT alone in this. PLEASE take care of YOU!!

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