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A little mad and a little hurt but realizing the truth

Old 10-30-2007, 12:44 PM
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A little mad and a little hurt but realizing the truth

Ok so some of u know that my abf is in prison, due to something he did while out for a week on a drug binge. I have said that I would support him through this as long as he sought help. So I have been writing to him, talking to him on the phone and sending him a minimal amount of money for his books. Well last week he asked for 50 dollars, way more then he needs in there. I sent 15. He told me that he would send me a letter and the form I needed to fill out to be able to visit him. I still havent gotten anything and this is a week later, so I know he mailed nothing. So today I got a phonecall from the sister of a guy that is in there with my bf. She called to give me a message from my bf, that he loved me very very very much and could I possible put 50 dollars on his books today cuz his commissary day is tomorrow. HA I got mad!! He cant even respect me enough to write me a letter and give me the form so I can go see him, yet he wants 50 dollars! I told her to tell her brother to tell him that i have no money to send him and that it would be nice to get a letter from him. I think he is up to something in there, its just a gut instinct, I know drugs are available in prison if u have enough money or commissary items to trade. He loves me very very much?????? Well obviously not enough to spend 10 or 15 minutes to write me a letter to meet MY needs in this relationship. I have asked him repeatedly to write me and send me the form. Even if he isnt doing drugs in there, its still just soooo selfish to not even write me a letter when he knows that I would like one. Im just asking myself if he even realizes the audacity of havin someone call me and ask for money when he cant even write me. Well, I am not sending him any money this week, and I am absolutely not going to send him any more letters until he can show me enough respect to contribute to the relationship. I have made my decision. I and his grandmother are the only ones left in his life that will support him and he is pushing me away. And I know she isnt going to send him any money either because I have talked to her. So let him sit and stew.. I love him but Im starting to feel very used and I wont continue to let him do it..
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Old 10-30-2007, 01:13 PM
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Graci, you are right to hold back any money and to feel bad about this whole situation.

Just because he is in jail doesn't mean you need to do anything. Whether he wants $5 or $50, it is YOUR money and you don't have to feel guilty not giving him anything, especially when he treats you like this. Jail is his consequence, not yours, and you don't have to do time with him.

I learned a long time ago to trust my instinct and if your instinct is telling you that something is not right, then trust that and be true to yourself.

Sending a bucket of hugs because you sound like you need them.
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Old 10-30-2007, 01:15 PM
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That's just awful. I'm sorry to hear that you've been let down, but at least you're making it clear to him that he won't receive any more support until he starts giving you respect and putting in his share of the work to maintain the relationship. You are doing so much by staying at his side at this time. Keep evaluating whether it's worth it though... being hurt/disappointed/disrespected is all part of the game and it may never end. I don't know much about you, but he is only your boyfriend, you may not have kids, and there are a lot of other fish in the sea. Good luck!
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Old 10-30-2007, 01:59 PM
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I do need alot of hugs, btw so thanku guys for responding, Im sick of getting my hopes up and then getting dissappointed, Ive decided not to get my hopes up anymore. This is so hard, Im sitting here crying about it. Somewhere deep inside I know that he cares about me, but I have to take care of myself. Im not punishing him by not sending money, Im not punishing him by not writing anymore, Im doing it because it hurts me very much to keep doing these things for him and him not give back. I deserve that much. Im sick of puttin myself out there to him and getting hurt by doing it, so Im just taking a step back, so I dont end up getting so let down. Who knows maybe it will be what he needs to start being different. I have been with him for 3 years, he lived with me for 2, and not all of it was bad, I guess thats y Im sticking in there, Im starting to set boundaries tho, and I think thats good, atleast i can get my self respect back to some extent, and maybe in the process he will start respecting me a bit more for respecting myself. I can always hope right??
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Old 10-30-2007, 01:59 PM
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Good for you! Stay strong. Don't give in.
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Old 10-30-2007, 03:15 PM
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Hi Graci,

I am sorry to hear how things are going for you. Remember you are Number One! You did not break the law. You have done a lot for him already.

I have a brother that wanted me to bail him out of jail...he had his girlfriend call me..and he was 58 years old or so...wanting his sister to bail him out because Our parents were gone and he had no one to depend on anymore.

He is still out there doing drugs and drinking and is now 66 years old. I haven't heard from him for two years now. He doesn't have a phone so I wrote to him and asked him to call me collect but he hasn't.

I have been sober 19 years now and I am not going to do anything to interfere with my sobriety.

Keep on posting and maybe look for a naranon or alanon meeting close to where you live. It is a program for people that have an alcoholic or addict in their family.

kelsh
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Old 10-30-2007, 03:47 PM
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((((gracie))) i am sorry he is doing this to u & glad u are not going to let him treat u that way. he is in there for the consequences of using & not doing the right things. he is not your problem & i would not accept letters or phone calls from him just so i would send him money. he would be writing u even if u don't send him a dime if he really cared.hard to accept but it is true.they have all the time in the world,we don't.u deserve better.take care of you & do something u would like to do but never had time.prayers hope
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Old 10-30-2007, 03:49 PM
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(((Graci))))
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Old 10-30-2007, 05:34 PM
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((((Graci))))

I'd be mad too. The nerve of him.
Graci, please don't try to be his hero.

Let it be,

In recovery from Codependency we learn to remove the victim......the victim is us.

HUgs to you. I struggle at times too.
I wish you would go to some Alanon or CODA meetings, it's a great learning experience.
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Old 10-30-2007, 05:41 PM
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Good for your!!!!

I would do the same thing in your shoes!!!!

You need lots of hugs? Well, here is a truck load of hug and another truck load of hugs!!!!

Just keep strong - I know how hard it is to do!!
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Old 10-30-2007, 08:03 PM
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Originally Posted by sobercuse View Post
((((Graci))))

I'd be mad too. The nerve of him.
Graci, please don't try to be his hero.

Let it be,

In recovery from Codependency we learn to remove the victim......the victim is us.

HUgs to you. I struggle at times too.
I wish you would go to some Alanon or CODA meetings, it's a great learning experience.
Im not sure what that means trying to be his hero? I sent him a long letter about a week ago saying that I have realized that I cant save him and realized that I actually felt it was my responsibility to try to save him. I told him I have to trust him and God to save him and that I have to take care of myself and my 2 kids, so that is what Im starting to do. Had a meeting with a personal trainer, cuz I need to get back to the gym and try to gain some weight, Ive lost so much during this whole crisis. Now the not sending money and not writing letters, well these are huge steps for me, cuz I think about 20 times a day about things I would like to tell him in a letter, so it was always very helpful to me to write to him, made me feel closer i guess. But why am I trying to feel closer to somebody that although he loves me doesnt try to feel closer to me or get help so he can continue our relationship. I am taking a huge step back here. I am not to the point of cutting off all contact with him yet but if this continues maybe I will get to that point..
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Old 10-30-2007, 08:36 PM
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I totally agree with Ann.
I believe (and have the experience to back it up) that addicts NEVER get "better" until we stop enabling them. Stop giving them anything that they could and should get/do for themselves. He got himself in jail. He needs to experience the full affect of jail.
I have a son in prison for stealing out of cars.
This is his 3rd time!!! For, the very same crime.
The first time, he went to jail I thought I would surely lose my mind. My baby in jail!
I sent him 30.00 a month for the whole year he was in, plus the undies and other things they allowed him to have.
He gets out. Within 3 months he was right back in. He did 5 years this time. I was completely sickened that my baby was back in that horrid place again. I sent money, but within a couple of years, I stopped. I got to thinking that it would be better spent on my own bills and needs.

He gets out. He starts doing very well. I was helping him and his gf because they were trying so hard. Then, 9 months and a pregnant girlfriend later, he does it again. He's been in jail this time for 2.5 years now with another year to go. And, let me say, that when he went in this 3rd time, he sent me a scathing letter BLAMING IT ALL ON ME!!! What did he blame on me? He said it's my fault because I didn't pay his rent that month. (I had been helping them, but gave him 2 months warning that I would stop). That was it for me.

This time, I completely realized I was never helping him. I was just making his punishment cushy. I quit sending anything. NOTHING. I also realized that some people are selfish and no amount of money I send will make him be or act any different.

Now I have a granddaughter that lives with me along with her mom. I thank God that the gf is a sweet and wonderful girl. And, of course I love my granddaughter to pieces.
My leaving him alone and letting him suffer his own consequences has made him realize that he's on his own from now on.
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Old 10-31-2007, 02:54 AM
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Im not punishing him by not sending money, Im not punishing him by not writing anymore, Im doing it because it hurts me very much to keep doing these things for him and him not give back. I deserve that much. Im sick of puttin myself out there to him and getting hurt by doing it, so Im just taking a step back, so I dont end up getting so let down.
Graci, that is called setting boundaries, about what you will and will not tolerate in your life and it's a healthy thing to do.

Recovery opens our eyes and allows us to let them pay the consequences for their actions. Sounds like your eyes are wide open here and I think you're doing just fine.

Hugs
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Old 10-31-2007, 04:29 AM
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Graci -

I have to agree with Hope - he could be writing you letters, whether or not you send money, if he loves like he says he does.

I have 2 friends in jail right now - one is my best friend, and one is a kid who used to sell me crack, but always looked after me and tried to get me to stop the crack. My best friend is constantly asking me for money, even when I keep telling her I don't have it. The kid (who just started a 14-year-sentence) writes me every week, is TOTALLY supportive of my recovery and has really helped me a lot. He has NEVER asked me for anything. I try to send both of them a little money, when I have it and am comfortable with doing it. I sent money to the BF a couple of months ago, and will send a little to the kid today (along with a birthday card). All I ever hear from him is concern about ME, and he always says "I appreciate everything you do for me", even though all I usually do is send a letter.

When I get an "I need $$" letter from my BF, and I've already told her I am barely keeping my head above water, I just don't write back for a while. It took me a while to not feel guilty about it, but now I don't.

It's not always easy taking care of US, but I'm finding it helps me to not get dragged down into their consequences. I was locked up for 5-1/2 months, so I know what it feels like. It's not fun, but the necessities ARE provided for.

Keep taking care of you - you sound like you're well on your way.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 10-31-2007, 04:44 AM
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((((graci))))

I have a brother that is in and out of prison. My mom will send him almost anything he asks for. He uses dope in there too no wonder he can't get straight...

He is in prison ya know and anytime someone in prison makes a demand for over $10. I would be very suspicious. No new shoes either...

You have yourself and 2 kids to take care of and that is well enough for you to handle.

If someone in prison can't even write a letter to me when I support them I think I would write them off completely! HA!!
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Old 10-31-2007, 10:37 PM
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Well Tomorrow he will call me, i am going to accept the call, and Im going to tell him calmly what I think, and how I feel, im also going to tell him im not going to write him anymore letters because it hurts me to write him letters and not get letters in return, and that i have needs in this relationship. I am going to tell him not to ask me for money anymore, that i know when his commissary days are and if I have a few extra dollars and feel comfortable sending him some money then i will send it, that my children and my own need to pay bills has to come first. For some reason Im a little nervous about having this conversation, Ive spent so much time trying not to upset him, afraid what he will do, or that he wont want to talk to me anymore, but u guys are right, if he truly loves me he will understand. Something that a recovering addict friend told me was that I have the power here and Ive been giving it to him, and shes right, do have the power, Ive been so afraid, but she made me realize that he is probally more dependent on me than I am on him. So tomorrow will be about setting the boundary and taking back some of the power. Im scared... Please pray for me that I can remain calm, that I can set the boundary, and that he GETS it... Thank u..
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Old 10-31-2007, 11:32 PM
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((((Graci))))))

Prayers going out for you!

Amy
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Old 11-01-2007, 05:48 AM
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Good luck, today, in maintaining your boundaries.

Prayers and hugs.
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Old 11-01-2007, 06:23 AM
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(((Graci)))) a hug for you.

Also, for me, I know when I need to say something that is kinda making me nervous, it does me good to right it down so I don't forget any of the points I am trying to make. I know when I am being rebutted that it makes it harder for me to remember what I was trying to say. Maybe you could try that to so you are sure you get your point across to him.

oh yeah

Just because he is in jail doesn't mean you need to do anything. Whether he wants $5 or $50, it is YOUR money and you don't have to feel guilty not giving him anything, especially when he treats you like this. Jail is his consequence, not yours, and you don't have to do time with him.
Amen to that!
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Old 11-01-2007, 11:09 PM
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Well he didnt even call me today. i didnt get a chance to say anything at all to him. The sister of the guy who is in jail with him called me and told me that she gave my abf the message the other night but told him that i wasent writing him anymore letters. Im sure that came across pretty harsh to him, not making excuses for him, cuz its selfish that he cant write me and I know this, but I wanted to communicate it myself in my own way. She had another message from him that said he loves me and he will call me, but by the time she talked to her brother is was too late for him to call anyways, well i should get another chance to say how I feel tomorrow. The stubborn tempertantruming child needs to go i swear!!
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