katie44

I have been posting over the last few days, dropped my 20 year old AS off at a local shelter. Yesterday he called and asked me if I could take him to look at a few rooms for rent. That wasnt a problem told me he was going to try to get his life together wanted to find a place close to the addiction centre so he could attend meetings even had a list of jobs on him that he had called. Today he calls me and tells me that welfare will not give him any money until he has a place to live wich he doesnt. Most he needs first and last and credit references wich he has none because he has messed up his credit. I felt so bad for him i told him I would pay one months rent for him to get him started but not to ask me for anything else.
Well today I go on line banking and lo and behold on friday the 26th he took a cheque from me while he was in the shelter forged a friends name of mine for $600.00. I cant believe I was going to help him find a room. I have to drop off his winter coat tonite do I just drop it off a leave him tell him not to call me I have printed off the proof so he can not deny it. I cant believe this and I spend all day helping him yesterday to find a place not to mention he could have bounced a cheque out of my account. And he has committed fraud. He just called crying " please loan me money mom or I will be sleep in a snow bank" Im hungry and tired, I might just give up ( I believe this is one of his suicide threats) Any advice would be appreciated. Thankyou

mike_mass

He's your son and you obviously love him. This is such a tough situation. In retrospect, I didn't start getting better until my mother stopped enabling me. It was a painful transition for both of us but did help me to get and stay sober. I pray for your judgement, resolve, and courage.

marle

My daughter came to us last December and told us that she wanted to get away from the abf and the drugs. I just listened to what she had to say but did not commit one way or the other. Later in the conversation she started to talk about getting an apartment. That is when I realized that she just wanted me to set her up in a place so that she and abf would have a place to live. The next day when she called I just politely told her that she could not come over until she was clean. She asked me what she was going to do and I told her it was up to her. Someone who can find drugs, can find a way to survive. She was disappointed, but from that day to this, she does not ask me for any help. She knows that I know the game too well. Time to cut your son loose. And maybe a good time to take the check to the prosecutor. I wish that I had with a check from the beginning of my daughter's addiction. It might not have stopped her from using, but I believe that she would have spent some time in jail to think about it and maybe would have been offered rehab. If it ever happens again, I will not hesitate to do it. Hugs, Marle

laketime

I think I would listen to mike-mass. I know it helped me with my AS when I read a post of Big Sis's. She was in an open meeting and there was an addict htere expressing their gratitude that someone finally quit helping(enabling them). I think the line was something like "she almost helped me kill myself, or helped me to death or something. It made me stop and realize that I was helping my AS kill himself with drugs. I certainly haven't perfected it yet but it was then that I started to "detach" and let the house of cards fall if thats what my HP wanted. Amazingly things started to get better, their not great but better. It's was tough for me to understand that just because I was detached from him, it did'nt mean I didn't love him. They know we love them, and we know we love them we just hate the chaos.

cece1960

I'm sorry (((Katie)))
It sounds as if he's just not ready yet, so the rent money would most likely go towards what "he" wants it to go towards, even if thats a warm place to use for a month. The $600 could have easilt paid for somewhere to stay.
If he was dropped off at a shelter, I doubt that the shelter would send him off to sleep in a snow bank.
Wow...I know its hard to even think of letting it go, but it just doesn't sound like helping him would really help him at all right now.
(((Hugs)))
Cece

Ann

Katie

He can stay at a Salvation Army shelter, they have meetings within walking distance and many have a program on site that go along with it, or he can get day work from there and save for his own place. Also, they can do laundry there for free (just in case he tells you he needs money for that like my son did).

PM me for details if you want to know the shelter I am talking about.

I know the scam, I can't tell you how many time I set my son up and just lost my money for nothing.

Money for places to stay, money for tools for a job he could have if he had tools, money for prescriptions that never made it to the pharmacy but did, however, buy drugs...the list is endless. All my help ever did was buy him more drugs.

There are many good shelters in your city, that provide 3 hot meals a day, a warm and clean bed, counseling for those who are interested in it and showers and personal toiletries provided, and even some warm clothing if they don't have any.

My son stole from me too until I told him that if he ever did it again I would press charges. He knew I meant it.

I know how hard this is, I've been in your shoes many times, but anything we do is hard when our sons are addicts.

Sending big hugs and lotsa prayers for both of you.

Wascally Wabbit

I am so sorry this happened. It's happened to me in much smaller ways, but the hurt is all the same. Stealing from your parents!
You're doing the right thing. When he is totally ready to change he will do something about it. Until then, his behavior will continue.
I hope you find peace and serentiy through all this.

mooselips

(((katie44)))
Hugs to you. This is the absolute hardest, when we have to let go, and put our faith in our sons H.P. to look after them.

If he stays in shelters for a while, it may be his bottom, and he may decide to change his life.

There's always a chance.
That and hope, and faith.


Hugs,

deedee

(((katie)))

I'm so sorry ... I know how hard this is. It's so scary letting our kids go, even when we know that we've done all that we can and the rest is up to them and their HP. Praying for you both

MadTuba

advice: call police, have him arrested.

forging checks is a crime. Its warm in jail.food ok, no drugs.

bottoms available there too.

lil516

I can't offer any additional advice...
my heart breaks for you

each post about the suffering and chaos of addiction becomes a "there but for the grace of God" moment for me

I am so sorry you are going through this...I hope your son will accept the suggestion of a shelter somewhere and can begin the process of recovery

please know you are in my prayers

greeteachday

(((Katie)))) I'm so sorry this happened...I understand how it must have shattered you that he stole from you then came right back the next day looking for more. I found when a succession of things occurred that proved to me that no matter what, I could not make my daughter better, it helped me have the strength to let go. I hope he learns to find his own way and to find it clean. Hugs and prayers

hope213

it is really hard on us moms to turn our addicts over to our h.p. but that is what we have to do or they will keep on taking from us & give nothing back to themselves or us either.my prayers are with you & your son.

BigSis

Just as it takes some bad consequences to convince our addicted kids that they are NOT in control of the addiction... so does it take some bad consequences to convince we moms and siblings that WE cannot control the addiction.


Lesson learned.


I know... I had to have a LOT of consequences in each category before the answer could get through MY thick skull.

Wishing you the best. (((hugs)))

caileesnana

My AD broke in, stole, pawned, and I reported her. She was never caught, found out 3 years later the police and transcribed the number!! So, if it is meant for them to be caught and put in jail, they will. I felt I had to do what was right, otherwise anything I said was a lie!
prayers for you--it was one of the hardest things I ever did. The two female cops that came we so nice, both told me to let her GO and one of their mothers had done w/ their brother. There are alot of us out there!
susan

cece

(((("Katie"))))
Like everyone else, I am sorry you have to be faced with this. You did the right thing. . my AS is 22 years old went from alcohol, to heavier stuff and now believes he is sober with smoking pot all day long. I hope i could do the same as you in that situation. right now he is out of town so I am away from the drama for now. But I am hoping i continue to detach. I know it would be the best choice for him.
:praying

amnesia57

I'm very familiar with this sort of tactic ... my AS frequently frames everything as a chicken-egg paradox. As in: I can't get Y until I have X, I can't get X until I have Y, and the only solution is more money from parents ... and if you don't come through, he'll sleep in a dumpster or whatever. Don't believe these stories.

I've also been there on the check-forging thing. My AS loved to do this and learned to produce a very accurate copy of my signature ... his favorite trick was to write "Happy Birthday!" on the check so the bank teller would think it was a birthday present and think "aw, how cute!" UGH.

Don't take ownership of his problems; this is his dilemma to solve. I know it's hard when it's your son and I've failed many, many times. But he will never stop trying to shift responsibility onto you as long as you let him do it. And call the police about his check forging. He WILL do that again as long as he believes there are no consequences.