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Alcoholic,Diabled,Addict Boyfriend

Old 10-29-2007, 09:59 AM
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Alcoholic,Diabled,Addict Boyfriend

I don't know what to do.I'm a 28 y/o non-drinker & and my guy of a year is a 37 y/o disabled alcoholic and addict.He's been drinking and doing drugs since jr.high.We live in the same condo complex.

From the first day we met all he did was sit around drinking,doing drugs and sleeping.Then within three months or less he starts telling me how I don't want this
to work out.I kept telling him that I want to be with him but he didn't believe me.I was with him nearly 24/7.

After months of hearing that he stopped but then started saying how I know nothing about him.I would say then tell me and let me get to know you,you know alot about me.After a year with him I still know nothing about him but I did look up his arrest record.He calls me names like dummy,bitch & brat.

He lives in a one bedroom condo with his gay roommate who owns the condo.They share a bed.I've always known that my guy is bi but he won't tell me.He rarely shows
me affection if at all.I show affection to all the time & tell him that I love him.He says
he loves but I don't feel it.

He sits there saying that I don't love him cuz I don't want to sleep with him.I say yes I do want to sleep with you but its hard to do since I live with a family member in their condo on their couch and you with your roommate.

When his roommate is gone at work my guy & I sometimes sleep on their bed.I curl up to my guy and put my head on his chest but he just lays there no showing affection towards me at all.He says since was hit by car 4 years ago he can't have sex but he later says yes he can then no he can't.

My guy tells me all the time how I can't do shut & that I'm worthless.I've been in tears saying don't say stuff like that if you love me then he'll be in tears saying he's sorry.No matter what I do for him he says its not good enough and his roommate acts the same way just not as bad.I get blamed for everything.They think I can't shut but their wrong and they know their wrong.I've gotten my guy to and from the doctor many times without a car and with his wheelchair.

His roommate doesn't clean a thing and the place looks & smells so bad.My guy can't
clean but his roommate wants other people[maybe me I'm guessing] to clean.

Recently my guy was in the hospital for two weeks unable to walk,talk,etc..He barely can walk when he's well.Now that he's home he has provider but she rarely shows up so the place still looks & smells even when she comes.My guy's speech is bad now,he needs someone to make him something to eat,help him get cleaned & dressed.I've done all this the whole time I've known him but he's getting worse.He's druggie friend have yelled at me and he doesn't care.He says things like I love being with you but I love being with my friend more.One of his friends was in the room when he said that.I get told to leave when his friends come over.


What should I do?I don't want to leave him but part of me does.He needs help now more ever since his health is getting worse.He's very slowly dying from drinking,drugs mental problems and illnesses.My guy has family who live out of state and I've talked with his mother.The family is just like him.He doesn't need to be drinking or doing drugs since his health/walking so bad and he falls.He doesn't need anything to mess with his head.He can barely make it to the bathroom or sit on the bed or chair without falling.When he does make it to the bathroom he can barely **** in the toliet.
He always pisses on the floor then sometimes falls cuz the floor is wet.
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Old 10-29-2007, 10:41 AM
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Ann
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Welcome to SR, Jenny.

I know you are sincere and wouldn't be here if you were not, but sweetie I have to ask you, what are YOU getting out of this relationship? And I am not talking about his disability.

He calls you names and tells you you are stupid, he sleeps with a gay man and is bisexual, he wants you to leave when his friends come around and he stinks and is dirty...and before I get rocks thrown at me for that one, I know many disabled people who do not stink and are not dirty and take personal pride in their hygiene.

Perhaps the problem is something deeper, a lack of feeling that you are worth so much better than this?

I'm glad you joined us and hope you don't take offense at my reply. We are all here to help you KNOW that you are worth more than this.

Hugs
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Old 10-29-2007, 11:15 AM
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Ann,

Thanks for the welcome.Its very hard to stay away from him.All my friends left the state due to family or jobs and I'm left here alone looking for work and living in the same complex as the guy.

Yesterday,I was walking around and saw this guy with a wheelchair at the bus stop across the street from our complex.The guy was laying on the bench.I don't think it was him but who knows.
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Old 10-29-2007, 11:25 AM
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((Jenny))

I agree with Ann. You know what, no matter what your situation is, you deserve respect and love. You don't deserve to be someones maid, or toy, or whatever, to be cast aside at their whim. You deserve a relationship that is based on love, not need, based on giving AND receiving, based on trust.

I usually don't tell anyone what to do, it's not my place, but in this situation I'm going to be blunt, this is toxic. Get out. Every time you do for this person and they treat you that way, it's tearing you down, making your self esteem almost non-existant. He's gay, he's in love with his gay partner, he is using you for lord knows what, but the biggest question is why do you not love yourself enough, respect yourself enough, to demand to be treated better. The longer you are in that toxic environment, the more it feels like it's not too bad. You begin to accept things you would never have accepted before.

It's time to expect more for yourself and your life. You deserve to be loved and have a partner that wants to make you as happy as you want to make them. You can take the steps to do that.

Hugs and Prayers
B
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Old 10-29-2007, 11:32 AM
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Jenny, a great way to make new healthy friends is to go to an Alanon, Naranon or CoDA meeting. That would give you live support where you live and also an opportunity to make new friends who understand your situation just like we do.

This is an abusive relationship, Jenny, and you don't have to take it.

Hugs
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Old 10-29-2007, 11:41 AM
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Hi Jenny,

I'm sorry you're going through this. You sound like a very nice lady and you deserve so much better. AlAnon meetings helped me a lot when I was living in an isolated situation trying to deal with alcoholism. They also helped me to see -- and find -- other options for people to establish relationships with.

As I see it, there is no reason in the world that you should settle for an abusive alcoholic/addict who obviously has extreme mental problems. If some other woman you cared about came to you and told you the story you just told us...would you say, "Absolutely! You should do all you can for him. I mean, what's not to love about a mean-spirited, verbally abusive, self-centered, bisexual, smelly, unemployed, alcoholic addict?

That might sound harsh but....think now. Is that what you always wanted for yourself, ever since you were little? Is that going to make you look back on your life, decades from now, and say, "Yep, he was all I needed. I've been so happy with him all these years."

Find another complex. Get out where you can meet people who are normal, loving, friendly, and "together" and get to know THEM, people who will help you enjoy life and grow. This isn't a good situation for you or for anyone.

Hugs,
GL
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Old 10-29-2007, 11:50 AM
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I can go all day[most of the time]not wanting to see him but he appears in my dreams.Good thing he doesn't remember my phone number since being in the hospital.
The funny thing is he doesn't remember his roommate's nor their crack dealer's cell numbers too.
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Old 10-29-2007, 12:26 PM
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Jenny,

I'm sorry you are going through this .. You don't deserve that kind of treatment. I don't mean this in a mean way, but aside from being in a wheelchair he is disabled by drug addiction ... I'm so glad you found SR ... I hope you stick around ... You'll find that there are wonderful people here that totally understand where you're coming from and where you'd like to be in your life. If you're feeling stuck in a rut... You'll also find many hands readily available to help guide you out. If you need a friend you'll find plenty here. Welcome to the family

******{Hugs}}}}
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Old 10-29-2007, 02:49 PM
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Low self-esteem... I don't have that. I told myself that for years - I mean, wouldn't *I* know best if I had something like that?

And in many areas of my life, I do very well... I am outgoing and make friends easily.

But when it comes to relationships.... my low self-esteem becomes very apparent.


For me, it was finding someone who reflected back to me EXACTLY what I thought of myself.

Then, when I figured that out... it made me even more ashamed and guilty feeling.


What I know today is that I have created a reality out of the voices in my brain... whehter it is my mom's voice saying I am an idiot or my dad's voice saying I am fat or a teacher's voice saying I don't belong.... all those voices in my head helped me to create a REALITY that reflected those bad things.

I believe there are 3 steps to change -

Awareness
Acceptance
Action


So... I would suggest you do some writing... journaling.... about what sort of life you want -

All the princess story sort of stuff... the nice guy, the nice ho9me, the wonderful career.

Then write about how your life is today... the nasty man, his disability (and why that is attractive to you)... his lack of availability (through his sexual orientation) and why that is attractive to you... and what you are exactly getting from life today.


Comparing our "princess story" against our "reality" helps me to see where my life is not meeting my expectations... this process can help me with the "acceptance" part.


Action is the hardest step... and if you have any counseling available through the local women's shelter or social services, I would urge you to attend. They can help YOU make changes in YOUR life that do not depend on how another person chooses to live.


I wish you well. (((hugs)))
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Old 10-30-2007, 05:30 AM
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Unhappy

I feel so bad today.Yesterday,I ran into him when I was sitting in our court yard.He said he was tired and lost $20 on the way to the corner store for beer.He asked if I would get it and like a dummy I did.He gave me the money to get it.After coming back with beer he said thanks and asked if I had found his lost money.I said no.A few
mintues he says oh here it is.Later I said that I would pick up something for us to eat.He then handed me some money.I told him that I would be back never came back.

After talking with him yeaterday I can tell his mind is somewhat gone from being sick
and then being in the hospital cuz of it.He's still the same old scumbag but he can't remember things like phone numbers,what he says when talking to you,how to work the micowave,stove,etc.. and gets confused easy.Its his own fault cuz he never told
his "roommate" that he wasn't feeling well and by not doing that he one day he couldn't talk walk,etc..

Before I ever met this guy I saw him around he was so different.He looked somewhat happy,walked a little better,etc..When I met him he walked different,etc..
Having been with for a year & two months he looks worse.

He now looks & acts like a poster boy for don't spend most of your life doing drugs &
drinking nor walk in the street drunk or hold lighter up to police that looks like a gun.

All this is slowly killing him.Doctors have told him that he'll most likely won't see 40.
He does have an ex girlfriend that he was with for ten years.I should have ran away when he & I met since he was still talking to her but soon stopped after we met.
Months later he called her from my cell but I didn't know he did that cuz I was in another room when picked up my phone and used it.She doesn't see nor call him ever but will go see him if he's in the hospital.She's mid 50's and this "roommate" of his is early 60's.The scumbag will play people until the day he dies.

Jenny
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Old 10-30-2007, 05:42 AM
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Originally Posted by Jenny79 View Post
All this is slowly killing him.
Sweetie, it is slowly killing you, too. PLEASE seek some help for yourself!
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Old 10-30-2007, 06:18 AM
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I am sorry.....and...I am going to be right up-front with you. I don't think he is the only person in this relationship that needs help. I beleive you may have a self-esteam problem and the reason I say this is because you really have no ties that bind you to this person but you keep coming back for more. Love isn't allowing people to call you names or make you feel worthless. You also mentioned that he seems to be getting worse which means that he needs help that you really can't give him. Disability or no disability you deserve to be treated with respect and stop allowing this guy to utterly disrespect you.

As far as you having no one around, I think I would rather have no one then someone who acts the way that this person does. You have to know that there is more to life then what you are getting now. I would back away from him...running backwards if necessary and seek some treatment for yourself. (sorry...my opinion)
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Old 10-30-2007, 06:57 AM
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This isn't about HIM. He's a complete, wall-to-wall loser who has screwed up his entire life and continues to. You didn't do it. God is the only one who can help him.

This is about YOU. What you're going to put up with from here on out.

If this how you want to live? Are you happy? If you're fine with all of this, then no problem. If you're not, you need to adjust some things, and start protecting yourself from all of his nastiness.

You can BE happy, you know, no matter what the rest of your life has looked like. You can be happy for the rest of it if you adjust some things. It's allowed.
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Old 11-01-2007, 09:08 AM
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Unhappy

I keep having bad dreams about feeling guilty,choosing not to be with him,etc..He came knocking today but I didn't answer the door.

I love him but have no idea how he feels about me.He says I love you but he says it once in a while and never really shows me any affection.Also,the sometimes being mean to me.I remember a few weeks ago I was with him and out of the blue he says when are you going to leave so I can crash.

I'm so torn!I need/want a sign from god.I'm scared to even sit outside in the court yard of our complex in fear about seeing him cuz if I do it'll make things worse.

There's a Faith Hill song that has a line saying "if this is for the best then why are you still in my heart,you're still in my soul.

Jenny
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Old 11-01-2007, 10:22 AM
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Geeeze Loueeze girl.. this is unhealthy. He is sleeping with a gay man and wants to sleep with you too? The health risks with that alone would send me out of there.... and how well do you know his Gay lover? Nothing against being gay.. it is just relationships ought to be between two people, not a few people!

Can you move to a different place and get on with your life? That is my suggestion although you will do what you will do in your own time frame. Just don't waste your life for too long on an abusive addict who doesn't care for you.

You are worth WAY too much for that.

As to the dreams.. I have dreams too and they can be realistic, but you get to wake up from dreams and be glad they are over. You get too hitched into this guy and you will be living in that nightmare and not as easily able to wake up and have it is over.

Sorry you are going through all this.
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Old 11-01-2007, 11:43 AM
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honey, he is not good for you or good to you.run for the hills.( i have only told a couple of people that) you deserve so much better. welcome to s.r. we r here for you. prayers, hope
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Old 11-01-2007, 06:58 PM
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I can only repeat what has already been said....this man is not "your guy"

please reread your posts and imagine that someone was telling you this sad tale.....you sound like a caring person...my guess is you would hold your friend's hand and help her to find her way out of this situation....please do that for yourself

attend some alanon groups, get involved in a nearby church or join a gym...do things that will inroduce you to other people and develop friendships...that will help you to focus on things other than this abusive situation...

do you work?
get more involved at work and let that occupy more of your time

you have a whole life ahead of you....please start to live it joyfully
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Old 11-02-2007, 09:28 AM
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(((((JENNY)))))

PLEASE WAKE UP!! I have read your story, and all the replies you've received. I agree with everyone who has told you basically to run, and never look back. This obviously HEARTLESS man does NOT love you!! I also "think" that what you feel for him is NOT really "love" either. I think you're just a person with a very big heart who feels sorrow for him. You CAN'T keep going like this with him no matter how sorry you feel for him!! In my OPINION you're not recognizing the difference between LOVE and PITY. In an earlier post you mentioned "he came knocking, you didn't answer".....GOOD GIRL!! KEEP THAT UP. Make him see that you are not his puppet that he can take off the shelf and play with when he has nothing better to do, and then just put you back on that shelf when something better comes along. YOU'RE better than that!! I was TOTALLY shocked reading your story, to be honest. Shocked that anyone could stay in a relationship for a year, being treated the way YOU ARE, and "feel" that this is love. Girl, this is by NO MEANS love!! YOU DESERVE BETTER!! PLEASE learn to care more about YOURSELF and get away from this CREEP.....FOR GOOD!!

HUGS!!
JEN
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