Not sure what I'm feeling.....your thoughts please....
A work in progress....
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: FREE!!!! Somewhere in the Tennessee Mountains
Posts: 1,018
Not sure what I'm feeling.....your thoughts please....
Hi everyone,
Things around here are coming to resolution in the near future, like in about 30 days. SO many incredible things have happened in my life since March when I filed for divorce, God has gone above and beyond anything I could have ever dreamed, but some days the roller coaster ride makes me tired, you know?
EXAH has now come back around to the old "I'll give you everything; you keep the house; I'll just sign it over to you" mantra. I don't think he ever dreamed that I would just walk away. I guess he thought he could control me by threatening me with the loss of our home, and the perceived way that loss would affect our youngest son. He still doesn't know about the new house, but I will tell him very soon. I was waiting for the monies from the sale of our business to finally hit the bank so I would be assured of the downpayment with no interference. That happened on Friday, and half of the money is now safely in my personal account. (To some that may seem sneaky, but I KNOW this man and it was the only safe thing to do....)
Let me preface this with a statement: I am in NO WAY having any second thoughts about my decision. I don't think I can ever remember being more peaceful or content in my entire adult life. I am actually excited about the future and look forward to getting up and just living. (What a novel concept.....) I am totally pumped about the "Rockin C" and still completely in awe of the way that God has provided for us. But.....
....I just don't know exactly what it is that I am feeling. EXAH is so incredibly pitiful; it is so much easier when he is being a jackass....I just feel really badly for the man. He has literally thrown away everything of real value in his life.
Neither of his grown sons will have anything to do with him because of the things that have happened since we seperated and the way he has tried to manipulate them and make them feel responsible for his pain. Just a few days ago (after parroting sentences from a book on recovery to me to the point of THANKING me for leaving him), he once again went to the oldest only a few hours later and basically said "Look what your mom is doing to me. If you wouldn't have told her the things I said to you this wouldn't be happening. I hope you are satisfied...you know I will have to sell the property(that son's business is on)....quack quack..." (which I guess in fact does qualifiy as being a jackass after all....).
It just makes me SAD to see what has become of his life. There was a time when I would have reveled in his misery and been sort of arrogantly happy that he is going to be living in this house staring at the walls and seeing the ghosts of our lives all around him; and that he is going to be really financially strapped and I am not. I used to WANT him to hurt. I don't anymore......I know I can't do anything about his situation and I don't feel the old need to rescue him. I know that the reality of his life is just exactly what he has made it into. But it still makes me sad.....he is almost like a little lost child or something.
I hope what I am feeling is a healthy kind of compassion for a human being in pain. I know it's got to be healthier than all the other times that this feeling would propel me into yet another attempt to save him from his misery, and end up with me wallowing in my own.
I hate addiction.......:codiepolice
Things around here are coming to resolution in the near future, like in about 30 days. SO many incredible things have happened in my life since March when I filed for divorce, God has gone above and beyond anything I could have ever dreamed, but some days the roller coaster ride makes me tired, you know?
EXAH has now come back around to the old "I'll give you everything; you keep the house; I'll just sign it over to you" mantra. I don't think he ever dreamed that I would just walk away. I guess he thought he could control me by threatening me with the loss of our home, and the perceived way that loss would affect our youngest son. He still doesn't know about the new house, but I will tell him very soon. I was waiting for the monies from the sale of our business to finally hit the bank so I would be assured of the downpayment with no interference. That happened on Friday, and half of the money is now safely in my personal account. (To some that may seem sneaky, but I KNOW this man and it was the only safe thing to do....)
Let me preface this with a statement: I am in NO WAY having any second thoughts about my decision. I don't think I can ever remember being more peaceful or content in my entire adult life. I am actually excited about the future and look forward to getting up and just living. (What a novel concept.....) I am totally pumped about the "Rockin C" and still completely in awe of the way that God has provided for us. But.....
....I just don't know exactly what it is that I am feeling. EXAH is so incredibly pitiful; it is so much easier when he is being a jackass....I just feel really badly for the man. He has literally thrown away everything of real value in his life.
Neither of his grown sons will have anything to do with him because of the things that have happened since we seperated and the way he has tried to manipulate them and make them feel responsible for his pain. Just a few days ago (after parroting sentences from a book on recovery to me to the point of THANKING me for leaving him), he once again went to the oldest only a few hours later and basically said "Look what your mom is doing to me. If you wouldn't have told her the things I said to you this wouldn't be happening. I hope you are satisfied...you know I will have to sell the property(that son's business is on)....quack quack..." (which I guess in fact does qualifiy as being a jackass after all....).
It just makes me SAD to see what has become of his life. There was a time when I would have reveled in his misery and been sort of arrogantly happy that he is going to be living in this house staring at the walls and seeing the ghosts of our lives all around him; and that he is going to be really financially strapped and I am not. I used to WANT him to hurt. I don't anymore......I know I can't do anything about his situation and I don't feel the old need to rescue him. I know that the reality of his life is just exactly what he has made it into. But it still makes me sad.....he is almost like a little lost child or something.
I hope what I am feeling is a healthy kind of compassion for a human being in pain. I know it's got to be healthier than all the other times that this feeling would propel me into yet another attempt to save him from his misery, and end up with me wallowing in my own.
I hate addiction.......:codiepolice
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
We know we are healing and on a good road when our anger turns to compassion and our resentments turn to forgiveness...not condoning what they did to us, just letting go of the pain attached to it.
He is a sick man who is not prepared to do anything to change his life. That's on him no matter who he blames or why.
I think there is always a little sadness of mourning what was and what might have been. There was a time when you and he were happy, he was an important part of your life. When that time is over it is sad sometimes to move on in a healthy way when he choose to linger in his sickness, yes?
Maybe just say a prayer for him each day and leave the rest between him and God. That's where it belongs anyway.
Hugs
He is a sick man who is not prepared to do anything to change his life. That's on him no matter who he blames or why.
I think there is always a little sadness of mourning what was and what might have been. There was a time when you and he were happy, he was an important part of your life. When that time is over it is sad sometimes to move on in a healthy way when he choose to linger in his sickness, yes?
Maybe just say a prayer for him each day and leave the rest between him and God. That's where it belongs anyway.
Hugs
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
Ann is so right. Bitterness to compassion. Wow, now that's recovery.
I do understand the feeling sneaky about the money. I did it, and believe me, sneaky or not, it was taking care of myself, and I never felt guilty about it either. I saved and saved unbeknownst to my x. If I hadn't, he would have spent every dime and left us all with nothing.
I do understand the feeling sneaky about the money. I did it, and believe me, sneaky or not, it was taking care of myself, and I never felt guilty about it either. I saved and saved unbeknownst to my x. If I hadn't, he would have spent every dime and left us all with nothing.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Jen,
It sounds like what you're feeling is true compassion. Your healing practice has made your heart bigger. You know he can't hurt you any more. So you can afford to feel deep sadness that he's chosen this road.
It is so much easier to feel true human-to-human compassion once we've detached...even them being a lousy person can't hurt us (why should it?) and so we have the freedom to say, "It's sad you've chosen this life for yourself. I'm hoping you find a better way to live."
It is so sad, isn't it?
Hugs,
GL
It sounds like what you're feeling is true compassion. Your healing practice has made your heart bigger. You know he can't hurt you any more. So you can afford to feel deep sadness that he's chosen this road.
It is so much easier to feel true human-to-human compassion once we've detached...even them being a lousy person can't hurt us (why should it?) and so we have the freedom to say, "It's sad you've chosen this life for yourself. I'm hoping you find a better way to live."
It is so sad, isn't it?
Hugs,
GL
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
you know u are not responsable for him or his feelings. i am just happy you are doing so good. keep taking care of you & i can not wait till the rockin c opens.it is going to be work for u but i bet it will be so much fun.do not even think twice about your ex. live enjoy life.hugs,hope
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
When you start feeling sad for him, remember that pain is what might just propel him into wanting recovery for himself. It is what got you there. And it is not too late for him to repair the damage that he has done in his relationships with his sons and others. But he has to be the one to change. But you already know that
Hugs, Marle
Hugs, Marle
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
I think the sadness for what he has become is part of the grieving process and a very healthy part of your recovery. This is, after all a man you once loved and the father of your kids. Letting go of the anger, mourning what happened and feeling sad for where he is, but moving forward with excitement and joy sounds like a very positive and healthy way of living. God truly has showered blessings on you. Hugs
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
((duet))
I call it growing pains. As you grow and move forward, it's only natural for you to want that same growth for the people you care about. You know you are moving forward with your life. With that growth, some history (and people) will be left behind. It becomes bitter sweet. You've grown so much that feelings of hurt have been replaced with empathy, anger has been replaced with pity, love has been replaced with forgiveness, tears have been replaced with excitement... and you are moving on, moving forward. Letting go of the old, and embracing the new. It's scary, and happy and sad and exciting all at the same time. New beginnings always are.
I'm so proud of you duet, and so very happy for you.
Hugs
B
I call it growing pains. As you grow and move forward, it's only natural for you to want that same growth for the people you care about. You know you are moving forward with your life. With that growth, some history (and people) will be left behind. It becomes bitter sweet. You've grown so much that feelings of hurt have been replaced with empathy, anger has been replaced with pity, love has been replaced with forgiveness, tears have been replaced with excitement... and you are moving on, moving forward. Letting go of the old, and embracing the new. It's scary, and happy and sad and exciting all at the same time. New beginnings always are.
I'm so proud of you duet, and so very happy for you.
Hugs
B
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
It's normal and healthy, I think, to grieve the loss of a marriage and of the dream. The stages of grief happen with many losses - it doesn't have to be a death to be something we grieve. I have grieved many things - lately it has been the life I was dreaming for one of my children. He may end up having a wonderful life... but it's not the one I had in mind for him long ago!
Denial (this isn't happening to me!)
Anger (why is this happening to me?)
Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)
Depression (I don't care anymore)
Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)
And Ann said it best - bitterness to compassion. You're doing great!
Denial (this isn't happening to me!)
Anger (why is this happening to me?)
Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)
Depression (I don't care anymore)
Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)
And Ann said it best - bitterness to compassion. You're doing great!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Ohio
Posts: 233
You inspire me too.
I am at that point also..I think I have finally let go and I do realize how much better my life is without addiction. Me and my ex went almost a year without talking because I couldn't handle it. It has taken a long time for me to heal and get myself together.
Recentally my step-son (we raised toether) was arrested and is in jail and since then we have talked. We have visited our son in jail together and even had dinner with son in college together. He is still the same person and still talking in circles but it just doesn't bother me like it used to.
I do have tons of compassion for him. It kind of made me nervous at first because I believed that it was my love and forgivness that got me to the lowest point in my life with him. It is different when the things he does are not affecting me though.
It is a good feeling that I can have love for him and speak to him just like I would any stranger that was in his situation. I can treat him with respect now because he can't hurt me anymore.
I may not see him or talk to him for weeks but when we do see each other..at least we can be cordial. It is good.
He will never know that I say a little prayer for him and both of my sons every night
Hugs...Michelle
I am at that point also..I think I have finally let go and I do realize how much better my life is without addiction. Me and my ex went almost a year without talking because I couldn't handle it. It has taken a long time for me to heal and get myself together.
Recentally my step-son (we raised toether) was arrested and is in jail and since then we have talked. We have visited our son in jail together and even had dinner with son in college together. He is still the same person and still talking in circles but it just doesn't bother me like it used to.
I do have tons of compassion for him. It kind of made me nervous at first because I believed that it was my love and forgivness that got me to the lowest point in my life with him. It is different when the things he does are not affecting me though.
It is a good feeling that I can have love for him and speak to him just like I would any stranger that was in his situation. I can treat him with respect now because he can't hurt me anymore.
I may not see him or talk to him for weeks but when we do see each other..at least we can be cordial. It is good.
He will never know that I say a little prayer for him and both of my sons every night
Hugs...Michelle
A work in progress....
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: FREE!!!! Somewhere in the Tennessee Mountains
Posts: 1,018
Thanks everyone for all your kind comments. I am feeling much better today; I am thankful that I am at a place where I can feel compassion for him instead of rage or guilt or a misplaced sense of responsiblity.....
It is rather ironic that the date of my mediation (which is looking like may be the finale because there just isn't much to "fight" about) is amost exactly one year from the date I first logged on to SR. (Mediation is November 26, I joined SR on November 27 of last year.)
Like I said above, God has been incredibly faithful to me and has blessed me beyond measure in so many ways since I gave up whatever 'control' I thought I had over my ex and his addiction. I spent so many years of my life in a state of confusion and hopelessness, just numbly forcing myself through each day instead of really living and savoring each moment.
I know without a shadow of a doubt that it was Him that led me to 'google' the word addiction on that cold November night in 2006.......and that He used all of you to shine a light into the darkness that I didn't even know I had lived in for almost 25 years.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart!!
It is rather ironic that the date of my mediation (which is looking like may be the finale because there just isn't much to "fight" about) is amost exactly one year from the date I first logged on to SR. (Mediation is November 26, I joined SR on November 27 of last year.)
Like I said above, God has been incredibly faithful to me and has blessed me beyond measure in so many ways since I gave up whatever 'control' I thought I had over my ex and his addiction. I spent so many years of my life in a state of confusion and hopelessness, just numbly forcing myself through each day instead of really living and savoring each moment.
I know without a shadow of a doubt that it was Him that led me to 'google' the word addiction on that cold November night in 2006.......and that He used all of you to shine a light into the darkness that I didn't even know I had lived in for almost 25 years.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart!!
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