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Narcissistic Parents and Lovers

Old 10-25-2007, 09:57 PM
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Narcissistic Parents and Lovers

I was reading about this and was astonished at how it describes many of my relationships through out life. My mother the xalcoholic who this describes to a tee has me wondering if this is her problem. In fact I know it is.
It explains why we can't get past their behavior and have to learn coping mechanisms to be around them.

Here's one small quote from the page:

Narcissists are not only selfish and ungiving -- they seem to have to make a point of not giving what they know someone else wants. Thus, for instance, in a "romantic" relationship, they will want you to do what they want because they want it and not because you want it -- and, in fact, if you actually want to do what they want, then that's too much like sharing and you wreck their fun and they don't want it anymore. They want to get what they want from you without giving you what you want from them. Period. If you should happen to want to give what they want to get, then they'll lose interest in you.

I see this behavior in alcoholics and in a lot of drug users. I found this article pretty darn enlightening.
I would love discussion here on this subject.


It can be found here: http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/traits.html

Last edited by Wascally Wabbit; 10-25-2007 at 10:21 PM.
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Old 10-26-2007, 03:24 AM
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Wow, that perfectly described someone I know that I had difficulty working with and now it all makes sense. I no longer work with her but it tells me why it was such a struggle to try to keep a positive attitude when she was around.

Thanks.

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Old 10-26-2007, 03:27 AM
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That's my exabf and am. Wow
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Old 10-26-2007, 05:54 AM
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My parents are/were both narcissists and alcoholics. I haven't read that much about them being companion disorders but I do seem to come across a lot of narcissism in AA. I have a friend whose mother could be my mother's long lost twin, she's (the mother) been diagnosed as border line personality disorder. What ever you call it, it's a sad state of affairs when your parent or spouse can't love you enough to want whats best for you, but must always want what's best for them.

A great book on this topic is, "Trapped in the Mirror."
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Old 10-26-2007, 10:04 AM
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I hate to echo Ann and Pilgrim's sentiments, but WOW! However, I did find everyone, I know ~ including myself, seem to have one or another of those traits. The article, while very informative, was also disturbing. Does anyone else feel that way?
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Old 10-26-2007, 10:27 AM
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If you read more on the topic you'll find that "experts" say that all of us have some traits of narcissism. Self love is part of how we take care of ourselves. But just like any personality trait when over developed it presents problems.
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Old 10-26-2007, 10:54 AM
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That was my exabf to a T. Wow, can't even believe that. I did everything that he wanted and in the end he must have lost interest because he went back to an exgf that treated him so badly no one can believe he went back. Very sad to say the least.

This example sticks out to me and saddens me very much to think about it but here goes. My exabf and i were out somewhere on a Sat. afternoon (the Leigon to watch Nascar...ick) and i mentioned to him that i saw a bracelt that i LOVED and would like for Valentines Day if he was needing any ideas as it was our 1st one to boot. He then in turn said that he would give me the money if I wanted to go get it for myself. Thought that was sad he couldn't even go get it. I explained it in detail thinking he would go get it another day. Well Valentines Day came, i was in bed with the flu, asked him for ginger ale and wouldn't stop by the house to drop it off (another disappointment on my death bed). Long story short, we celebrated Valentines Day a few days later and i received a jewelry box from a local Hallmark store around the corner and him saying "i know it's probably not what you wanted and probably hate it but...." I was devastated and never took it out of the box after looking at it and telling him it was nice. God, that depresses me and makes me wonder why i give a rats arse about the LOSER.

To boot i gave him an AWESOME give, a beautiful watch that he wanted.

Sidenote: I am by NO MEANS ungreatful for any gift i may receive but that sure was a disapointment to say the least.
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Old 10-26-2007, 12:26 PM
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I am firmly of the belief (but can't lay my hands on the stats just now) that personality disorders and substance abuse are very firmly linked and my hunch is that it is the disorder that comes first, which I know is very un-12 Step of me. So often this aspect is unconsidered, both by professionals and loved ones which is a crying shame, although the problem is compounded by the whole diagnosis issue. We are always told that we can't diagnose another, especially if we are not qualified, however I could hazard a guess that every last one of us are better qualified in life terms to make a guess that may just save our sanity. Even if someone with a PD ever enters the rooms of a qualified person, they are highly unlikely to display evidence of their disorder and are even less likely to respond to treatment. That is the nature of personality disorders, unfortunatelt.

There is loads of info and forums on the net regarding PDs, if any of you want a supplement to SR.
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Old 10-26-2007, 04:07 PM
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I too have been doing lots of research on narcissim and YES Im positive my AH is narcissistic, no doubt anyone interested should look up narcissism101.com, awesome stuff. I am currently ordering a book on dealing with emotional vampires, because thu sis what tehy do they suck the emotions out of us and when they cant they toss you aside without thought. Yep exactly what AH did when his sister became his enabler
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Old 10-26-2007, 04:25 PM
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After reading this I can say my X husband was more narcissistic than my XABF but neither was truly a narcissist (say that work 5 times real fast!!!). Both had some of the traits but neither had/has an over riding number or enough strong behavior in any one area for me to point at it and say "AhHA!"

My X husband was more Asexual and depressed. My XABF was simply an addict with all the traits we read about on this forum and the stickies.
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Old 10-26-2007, 04:31 PM
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Another familiar topic. My therapist said that my RAD married the textbook narcissist. I am just waiting for him to get tired of her; that might take a while. In the meantime I know the emotional abuse is there, just praying he gets tired of her before too much of the physical abuse happens. Yes, he is textbook.
I will have to say that learning more about this has helped me in dealing with my daughter marrying someone like this. I know how he sees me. I am a threat to him. I will lay low until I know it is safe for my daughter.
And yes, he is an addict.
Thanks for the post
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Old 10-26-2007, 04:33 PM
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It is downright scarey to me. I now realize there are some people you can NEVER please and never will. There's no point trying. It's a waste of time! Move on to someone more compassionate and caring.
It's like they live in an inpenetratable bubble.
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Old 10-26-2007, 05:48 PM
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I have looked this subject up before and it fits my RAbrother to a T.
He even buys himself a Christmas present every year,
because he says he deserves it......
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Old 10-27-2007, 05:30 PM
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This helps me. I have thought about it a lot over the weekend. It helps me accept things.

I was waiting for some humanity. Some sign that there is a heart in there. I was not wary enough of the niceness. It's like a boxing match when they cuddle and then punch each other. Come here closer to me so I can stab you sort of thing.

And the lack of initiating anything at all is so true. The work thing is exactly right - lots of fluster and completely ineffective. That's true of my Mother and my xabf. The other thing that got me is how after six years with exabf, I never once heard anything come from his mouth that was a feeling or expression of how he was affected by something. I don't know him at all. No childhood stories, nothing at all. The lack of initiating anything and the following others and imitating them is all there. I have to fire him. He is not going to get any better. I find things in his office when he isn't there. Really important documents and unpaid invoices that will get me into trouble. I swear he is sabotaging me.

I just spent the weekend with my Mother it was easier knowing all this. It was raining. She had the only umbrella. My son was getting saturated and he asked if he could have it for a while. But it was HER umbrella and it caused all sorts of trouble that he asked. He is aspergers and doesnt understand social stuff. She was so angry. How could anyone want to use HER umbrella? She made him feel terrible. I had to beg my son not to worry about getting wet and that he had to accept that he wasn't allowed to use the stupid umbrella. I was careful and made sure that she got what she wanted. I didn't try to get her to see how hurtful she was bieng. As a result, the weekend went ok. I know I would have offered to share the umbrella with my son.
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Old 10-27-2007, 06:07 PM
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pilgrim, this is the way my mom acts. And, how true that everything I try is ineffective in making her realize she's a KOOK!
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Old 10-29-2007, 11:36 AM
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Wascally you hit the nail on the head!

Thank you for your post. It FINALLY confirmed what I have been thinking for so long. I am so much a giver in all relationships in my life that I thought that my resenting feelings of two individuals in my life (my mother and my RABF) was my merely being resentful. The more I devled into both relationships the more I saw how similar these two people were. They both believe the world begins and ends with them NOT TO MENTION that this world despite revolving around them ALSO owes them something because it has dealt them both a raw hand. Yeah, this is the part where I am supposed to bow to the master(s) and ensure the future is brigher than the past? I'm all set.

I apologize for sounding so jaded. It is more exhaustion than any other emotion. All of my 25 years have been spent "catering" to one of the other. I quit!
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Old 10-29-2007, 05:31 PM
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From what I read across several websites on the subject, if you won't do what they want, they will look for someone else!
All I can say to that, is help yourself!
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Old 10-31-2007, 11:45 AM
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Originally Posted by Wascally Wabbit View Post
I was reading about this and was astonished at how it describes many of my relationships through out life. My mother the xalcoholic who this describes to a tee has me wondering if this is her problem. In fact I know it is.
It explains why we can't get past their behavior and have to learn coping mechanisms to be around them.
You're right on target with this.

My addict son got a psychological evaluation during one of his previous court cases. He was diagnosed with both narcissistic personality disorder and antisocial personality disorder. It made sense because when you're interacting with him, EVERYTHING is about him and other people just exist as potential resources to be used and exploited.
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