Is my life falling apart?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Kalamazoo, MI
Posts: 69
Is my life falling apart?
I feel like my life is falling apart! The abf has called three times today (I haven't picked up) and sent three emails. They are all nice and positive. It's like he's ignoring that I broke up with him last night. I cried myself to sleep last night. I thought he was "the one." We've been together 3 1/2 years and there are lot of things I really adore about him. I'm sad.
Then tonight my daughter melted down. She's 15. She had an assignment that she couldn't figure out and she panicked. She's smart and a good student, but somehow she's convinced that she can't "focus." Well she can't focus because she panics. She blames everyone or something else for all of her troubles. I don't know how to reach her. That's not how I am (I blame everything on myself most of the time
, but I'm learning). It ended up a yelling fight. I hate it so much. I feel like a terrible parent. Somehow we've got this all screwed up.
And I couldn't keep from crying my eyes out. I'm still crying. Why couldn't this happen when I am feeling stronger and better able to handle it? I don't want to deal with the (X)abf. I want to help my daughter see that she's creating all of this depression. And I just want to run away from it all!
Then tonight my daughter melted down. She's 15. She had an assignment that she couldn't figure out and she panicked. She's smart and a good student, but somehow she's convinced that she can't "focus." Well she can't focus because she panics. She blames everyone or something else for all of her troubles. I don't know how to reach her. That's not how I am (I blame everything on myself most of the time
, but I'm learning). It ended up a yelling fight. I hate it so much. I feel like a terrible parent. Somehow we've got this all screwed up. And I couldn't keep from crying my eyes out. I'm still crying. Why couldn't this happen when I am feeling stronger and better able to handle it? I don't want to deal with the (X)abf. I want to help my daughter see that she's creating all of this depression. And I just want to run away from it all!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: somewher
Posts: 259
lightqustbighug for u..
stay strong ,, focus on good things,, now u feel sad and painfull but u wil feel better later..
when i feel like this i just go and do something extra speciall ,, like takingmyself out withthe kidsb to the mall.. to do omething good together o make it all brake the cycle of unhappiness... u are agood parent !!! having a 15 years old is lots of work..
my kids are younger but also sometimes i feel i could be beter mom.
but when im happy the kids sense it and they feel happy too.
just do somthing nice withur girl..
try to makeuslf happy withthings u like to do,, take ur time to cry when u need,, butmy advice ,, dont let it conusme u...
do something to feel better.
big hug and i prayforu:praying
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
And I couldn't keep from crying my eyes out. I'm still crying. Why couldn't this happen when I am feeling stronger and better able to handle it?
This is an upsetting time for you and my guess is that your daughter is picking up the "upset" vibes...not that it's your fault, it's just how our thoughts and feelings can spread to those around us.
Maybe take a night for just the two of you, take in a movie or go for a long walk someplace pretty and talk about life. Teenagers go through their own very emotional time, maybe because the hormones are raging, and it would be good to take some quiet time together and share your feelings.
Just my thoughts, and I really hope you both feel better soon.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 35
i don't answer much
i am very new here and must admit i use this board to keep me from enabling. i rarely give advice to anyone because i don't feel that i have leardned enough about myself yet. i have enanled my EX husband for 25yrs. yeas...pretty dumb. i even remarried 15yrs ago and talked my new hubby (not an addict) into enabling too. pretty sick huh?
well 25 yrs later and i have finally learned to take it one day at a time. remember i know those meltdowns. they suck but love your baby girl. she is the deserving one...not him...please don't be offened by what i say. you wouldn't BELIEVE the lentghs i went to to enable him....makes me sick. YOU are srtong. for you and your daughter. these people are always here for you. pm me any time!! good luck
dustie
PS THESE PEOPLE GIVE THE BEST ADVICE!!
well 25 yrs later and i have finally learned to take it one day at a time. remember i know those meltdowns. they suck but love your baby girl. she is the deserving one...not him...please don't be offened by what i say. you wouldn't BELIEVE the lentghs i went to to enable him....makes me sick. YOU are srtong. for you and your daughter. these people are always here for you. pm me any time!! good luck
dustie
PS THESE PEOPLE GIVE THE BEST ADVICE!!
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
Kids don't come with instructions.. and maybe that is why I don't have any? I would have wanted an instruction number and a warranty and a way to return the goods if not working properly!
I am sure my parents felt that way at times about ME!
At 15 you are still kid but want to be grown up. Your body is going thru so many chnages it is frightening.. tho at 15 you don't even see it. I look back at 15 and I NEVER want to go there again.
I think that, as hard as it is, one thing that is real important is for you to try not to yell or meltdown when she does. Let her rant and rave and when she is calmer, try to help her analyze the situation... break it down into little parts and listen even if you don't like what you hear. Ask questions and try to get her to see the way.
My Mom was a master at planting a seed in my mind and backing away and letting an idea grow from that seed that was my own idea.
She also would not let me blame others or things for my situation.. and would make me look at it and tell her why it was so and so's fault I was failing at something.
Just an idea from someone objective who never had kids but certainly was a (difficult) one a long time ago!
BTW I was told by my Mom I would shorten her life with my antics. Mom is now 80.....
I am sure my parents felt that way at times about ME!
At 15 you are still kid but want to be grown up. Your body is going thru so many chnages it is frightening.. tho at 15 you don't even see it. I look back at 15 and I NEVER want to go there again.
I think that, as hard as it is, one thing that is real important is for you to try not to yell or meltdown when she does. Let her rant and rave and when she is calmer, try to help her analyze the situation... break it down into little parts and listen even if you don't like what you hear. Ask questions and try to get her to see the way.
My Mom was a master at planting a seed in my mind and backing away and letting an idea grow from that seed that was my own idea.
She also would not let me blame others or things for my situation.. and would make me look at it and tell her why it was so and so's fault I was failing at something.
Just an idea from someone objective who never had kids but certainly was a (difficult) one a long time ago!
BTW I was told by my Mom I would shorten her life with my antics. Mom is now 80.....
DeniseH
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Iowa
Posts: 33
There was an email I got awhile back about God having trouble with his two kids (Adam and Eve) so why do we think we would have it easy with our kids....
Thought that was kind of cute!
I never had any problems with my middle one, but she is very intense. And now that she will be graduating this year, it is starting to get dicey! I think it is this way to prepare me to be ready to send her off to college - I am ready for her to be making her own way - and I will worry, but it won't be like now.
Thought that was kind of cute!
I never had any problems with my middle one, but she is very intense. And now that she will be graduating this year, it is starting to get dicey! I think it is this way to prepare me to be ready to send her off to college - I am ready for her to be making her own way - and I will worry, but it won't be like now.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 6
i just wanted to share with you. i'm the girl that hadn't heard from the XABF in 2 weeks and was totally freaking out about it. he called last night. from a number i didn't know. he called to wish me a happy BELATED birthday (even though it was the day BEFORE my birthday). i digress.
the conversation was pleasant enough. the reason for being out of contact? he "just needed to disappear for a while". other than that, the fact that i had thought he was dead FOR 2 WEEKS was completely ignored. he even asked me why i hadn't been going out lately? um....maybe because i've been crying my eyes out for you every night? i didn't say that but WTF???????????? still, i digress.
the POINT:
"It's like he's ignoring that I broke up with him last night" and the part about him beng nice and positive, seemingly in a great mood while you're crying your eyes out.
he knows i'm going to austin to see a girlfriend for my birthday this weekend (my mistake for telling him) and at the end of the conversation, he said i should call him, that maybe we could catch a bite to eat. i told him i didn't think that was a good idea. do you know what he said? "alright whatever - bye"
and you know what finally hit me? he says he's going to quit, he says he's going to get better, he says this, he says that - so much so that i refuse to believe ANYTHING until i see it. in the same EXACT way, i have threatened to leave so many times, threatened to stop talking to him, threatened this, threatened that....so much so that now he doesn't believe it will ever happen either. it's all just a bunch of talk to him. he just KNOWS that he'll be able to say something or do something that i will come back for. and who can blame him, really? there's no evidence to support anything else. the more i resist, the more desperate he becomes. it's very hard to stay strong. but we MUST.
my thoughts and prayers are with you and your daughter.
the conversation was pleasant enough. the reason for being out of contact? he "just needed to disappear for a while". other than that, the fact that i had thought he was dead FOR 2 WEEKS was completely ignored. he even asked me why i hadn't been going out lately? um....maybe because i've been crying my eyes out for you every night? i didn't say that but WTF???????????? still, i digress.
the POINT:
"It's like he's ignoring that I broke up with him last night" and the part about him beng nice and positive, seemingly in a great mood while you're crying your eyes out.
he knows i'm going to austin to see a girlfriend for my birthday this weekend (my mistake for telling him) and at the end of the conversation, he said i should call him, that maybe we could catch a bite to eat. i told him i didn't think that was a good idea. do you know what he said? "alright whatever - bye"
and you know what finally hit me? he says he's going to quit, he says he's going to get better, he says this, he says that - so much so that i refuse to believe ANYTHING until i see it. in the same EXACT way, i have threatened to leave so many times, threatened to stop talking to him, threatened this, threatened that....so much so that now he doesn't believe it will ever happen either. it's all just a bunch of talk to him. he just KNOWS that he'll be able to say something or do something that i will come back for. and who can blame him, really? there's no evidence to support anything else. the more i resist, the more desperate he becomes. it's very hard to stay strong. but we MUST.
my thoughts and prayers are with you and your daughter.
StrivingToThrive
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: san diego, ca
Posts: 425
My son is my addict in my life. He is 22 now.
I remember many times when he was young and I was having trouble with my husband who has the desease of depression, and I would often check out on my son. I didn't mean to. Its just that as a co-dependant, I was never happy if either of them were unhappy. I would get so wrapped up in my husband's problems and whether he loved me or didn't love me enough at the time, that my son got placed behind in my thoughts. sometimes I would get really irritated with him and wanted him to give me a break. " Didn't he know I had enough to worry about?" Until he would send me a cry for help. Either getting stressed or weepy or angry or just act crazy. and then i would focus on him. I never saw that I was doing it at the time, and then would feel guilty later. whichever of the two, i felt I neglected, I would try to shower them with Love to make up for it. It was a pretty crappy cycle. It taught both of them to rely on me to fix their emotions, and mine never mattered to anyone of us. Because if they didn't matter to me why should they matter to them?
Right now while you are beginning to deal with the pain of addiction, YOU should be your first priority, and your daughter a close second. If you work on getting yourself healthy, by understanding how you REALLY feel and what you REALLY want, all those other crappy feelings of lack of self-worth, insecurities, resentments and anger,that get in the way of all relationships will subside and you can REALLY be there for both of them without losing yourself. And the stress level in your house will go way down.:praying
Cathy
I remember many times when he was young and I was having trouble with my husband who has the desease of depression, and I would often check out on my son. I didn't mean to. Its just that as a co-dependant, I was never happy if either of them were unhappy. I would get so wrapped up in my husband's problems and whether he loved me or didn't love me enough at the time, that my son got placed behind in my thoughts. sometimes I would get really irritated with him and wanted him to give me a break. " Didn't he know I had enough to worry about?" Until he would send me a cry for help. Either getting stressed or weepy or angry or just act crazy. and then i would focus on him. I never saw that I was doing it at the time, and then would feel guilty later. whichever of the two, i felt I neglected, I would try to shower them with Love to make up for it. It was a pretty crappy cycle. It taught both of them to rely on me to fix their emotions, and mine never mattered to anyone of us. Because if they didn't matter to me why should they matter to them?
Right now while you are beginning to deal with the pain of addiction, YOU should be your first priority, and your daughter a close second. If you work on getting yourself healthy, by understanding how you REALLY feel and what you REALLY want, all those other crappy feelings of lack of self-worth, insecurities, resentments and anger,that get in the way of all relationships will subside and you can REALLY be there for both of them without losing yourself. And the stress level in your house will go way down.:praying
Cathy
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
I hope you are feeling better today. I know that feeling of being so emotionally overwhelmed and then having more drama on top of it. Most times when this occurred one or both of my daughters were involved. What helped me some was to be honest with them...to say I hear you, I love you, I can listen, but I don't have the energy to do more than that. It helped to keep things from escalating. Even when I had emotional energy, I learned the hard way that just being there and hearing was all my kids needed...They didn't want to know my view or listen to my suggestions...they just needed to vent. And teens so often vent with a lot of drama.
Fifteen is a tough age to get through. For the young woman and for the parents! Hugs
Fifteen is a tough age to get through. For the young woman and for the parents! Hugs
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