payingtheprice

Anger does not even begin to describe how I feel inside. I think that rage is a better word. The past few days have been hellish and I have been acting like it too. Hopefully venting will help. Well the first thing that happened is that my husband called me crying the other day saying that he hadn’t eaten for days and that could I please bring him something to eat and get him socks because he has walked holes in the ones that he has. I battled back and forth internally because I had just stood up to him and said no to giving him money last week. But I rationalized it to myself I guess and bought him socks, a winter hat and something to eat. Here’s the kicker, supposedly he has been staying on the streets. But then once I go to drip the food off I find out that oh no, he has still been staying with that woman. I just gave him the food and left fuming at how dumb I had been to believe anything that comes out of his mouth. Later on that night I asked him why he had to live with another woman. Maybe it’s just my co-dependant way of thinking but somehow I can deal with the addiction and all the crazy things it brings better than I can deal with his unfaithfulness and to me they go hand in hand now. But to add insult to injury his reply as to why he as living with her was “she saved me”. I said saved you from what. He says she saved me from living on the streets. So I asked what happened with the charges for stealing her credit card and all that. He said that she thought that was just a cry for help and that he was trying to go to jail so that then maybe he could get himself together and she feels that he doesn’t need to go to jail for that. Ok. What a load of crap!! She saved him. I can’t even believe those are the words that he chose to use. Then he went on to explain that the reason why he cheated was because he was not getting sex at home. I’m telling you I think that if he had been in front of me I might have decked him right in the nose. Are you serious? My children and I have lost not one but two homes. We have lost everything that we own and are in debt living with family members. Daily I have to humble myself and get help from family members just to get to work and to have a babysitter. How dare you throw another woman in my face and try and make me feel inadequate. Who the hell do you think you are? You have turned our lives completely upside down and everyday I pay the price of being married to a crack addict. You get high everyday without a thought of your children or your wife. While you chase that high and lay up with this woman who lets you drive her car and all that I work a job that barely meets our needs sometimes not eating so that my children can eat. You have taken me from me so much that I don’t even recognize the person that I’ve become. I hate you for what you have done to me and my children. I hate that I cry for you and have allowed you to hurt us in this way. I hate that you only think of yourself. I wish that I didn’t love you so that maybe I could just walk away from you and never look back. Even now feeling all this inside, tears streaming down my face, if you called I would talk to you like nothing was even wrong. So I guess I hate myself more for being such a coward. Why is this happening to me? When does it end? When do I become more important to me that you are? Please Lord please help me through this trying time. Help me to trust you. You are my strength and I know that you are with me. Help me to not get weary. I know in my heart that this too shall pass. Just don’t know when. The pain is so great and the weight is heavy. Just need to not feel so alone in this. God please help me.

Jwife22

(((paying)))

I can feel the anguish in your post. I am sorry you are hurting. Addiction sucks.

I can't really write alot right now but I wanted you to know that I am here and just said a prayer for you.

cece

I am sorry that you and your family have to go through this. We have all heard that its not the addict that is saying those things its the drugs talking.
Knowing what your husband is willing to throw aside , his family, in order to have his DOC, are you really surprised that he'll sleep with someone else in order to keep what he wants?
The first step in this process for me was to realize that I needed to STOP TRYING TO RATIONALIZE WITH INSANITY. and thats where they are in an insane place. The next step was to try and stop letting his addictive behavior hurt me. what he says and does has nothing to do with you.( even when they try to blame it on us.) that is very hard for us to accept.
I agree with you in that writing things down helps me get thru crazy feeling times. but then when I go back to it later I try to look at myself through what I have written with honest eyes. I usually find my own answers. thats why we write it down. We know the answers we just have to SEE them instead of think them sometimes.
And that was my third step. Realizing what I had to do to regain my sanity that I had lost when i joined him in his.
I did this by going to Al-Anon and working their steps.

Prayers for you as you go through this.:praying
Cathy

DevastatedJP

Ohhhhh, I'm so sorry you are going through this. Your post made me cry cause it hits pretty close to home and I completely understand how you are feeling though we haven't lost everything (yet!). It feels 10 minutes away all the time.

I think that as co-dependents or enablers or whatever, we have our own little addiction to the addict. Why else would we continue to accept their phone calls, cries for help (food?), excuses, bad behavior, broken promises?

I think (and I am honestly new to SR and all of this) that we are similiar to women in domestic violence situations in that for SOME reason, these people in our life who we love pretty much unconditionally, abuse us emotionally and financially but like many women of domestic violence, I beleive that perhaps we can wake up one morning and decide that today is not the day that you will allow it to happen to you again and you walk/run as far away as you can in the name of self-preservation and the overwhelming desire to shield the children from the ugliness and recklessness of addiction.

I'm probably going to get some negative feedback on this one but bottom line, I think we are little bit addicted too and I like how CeCe puts herself through the paces of the 3-steps to keep herself in check and make sure she stays sane in spite of the insanity. You do not have to settle and you do NOT have to accept that the man is disrespected your marriage by sleeping with another woman - savior or not (ha, ha). What crock...."she saved me". Puh-leeze.

Saying prayers for you and all of us. I don't know if this is an exact quote but my mantra is something to the effect of "If He brings it upon us, He will bring us through it". Keep strong.

Ann

Paying, he is living in his world of addiction (I call it hell) and doing what addicts do. The other woman? She now has an active addict on her hands and is living with the chaos all that brings. There is no joy in that world, there is no peace, just darkness and fear and all the grim realities of living with an addict who is active.

I know times may be tough for you right now, but think of the blessing of peace that you and your children now enjoy. You may need family help right now but that's what family is for, to help and support each other. My guess is that you would do the same for them if the roles were reversed, yes?

As Cece said, insanity is not rational and trying to figure out anything logical that happens when someone is using is futile.

Take good care of you and your children, protect yourself from listening to his sob stories, and know that you are the lucky one to be out of the sick cycle of addiction.

Hugs

mooselips

(((Paying))))
Two words: Addicts lie.

The part he said about her saving him, and all that BS, they lie.
He will tell you ANYTHING to still have you there to be his soft place to land.


Have you thought about attending meetings?
Besides Sober Recovery, there is great support for you at meetings, too.

Hugs,

BrokenBridges24

Listen to these ladies. They are pretty wise. I would go spend some time with a family member and lean on a shoulder. I am sure you would do the same for them.

Insanity is repeating the same function over and over again expecting a different result. That is what an addict does.


(((HUGS TO YOU))))

Wascally Wabbit

Oh how I have been there.
I am sorry you have to go through this. All I can do is tell you my story.
He wasn't an addict, I was. I was addicted to HIM! We broke up time and time again. I would get so depressed I thought I would surely die. I mean that too. I would have done almost anything for him. I helped him build his house. Only, he decided he didn't want to move me in it!! Then, he'd manipulate me and I would feel all loved again. At least for two weeks until he would make me feel unwanted and we broke up. He would be the one to call me and get me back. He came up with every excuse under the sun as to why he wouldn't marry me. Yet, I still came back.

I was in an emotional state like no other. Manic depressive. High on love one minute, feeling like dying the next.
Yep, even after these things that would look like total insanity to anyone else, I still would do anything for him. I loved him in a completely and totally codependant way so much so that if he wasn't in my life, I would lie down and die.

Well, eventually the stress and strain of this relationship was so overwhelming I started counceling. I had reached a point where I could no longer function in day to day activities and I was sick all the time. The relationship was so emotionally overcharged that I decided to pack up and move out of town. I didn't even tell him till three days before I left. I even stayed the night with him and left the next morning. He reassured me he would pay me back for the 4000 dollars I loaned him so he could buy a corvette.
I moved from NY to SC.
Well, two weeks later his mom sends me a letter telling me how depressed he was, and what a huge mistake he'd made letting me go.

I was right back in that high emotional state ever hoping for a life with him.
Well, I waited two weeks and no call.
Within one month, one month! he had married someone he'd just met.
He never paid one cent toward the debt.

If this isn't the perfect picture of a woman who didn't have any self esteem what so ever enough to stop the insanity I don't know what is.
Counceling helped a lot.
I got over him almost immediately when I learned he got married, even though I did cry like heck for a week. I woke up one morning and decided I had been mourning him since the day I met him and now it was time to STOP.
I was completely over him finally.

I learned one of my best lessons from that relationship.
The biggest being that I will never let myself be manipulated like that again by any man. And, lol, NEVER loan them money!

I wish I could give you a hug, but I can tell you there is hope. You'll figure out what you need to do.

hopeforever

hugs to you.. iwish i wish thre ws some magic to take all the pain here away...
me too i cried when i read it.. ifeel the pain u have,, iwiwsh i was there tojust give u abig hug..
i know the crazier things get the harder is to cope..
theharder to get strong.
but you can do it!! just tell urself all thetime u can doi t...
ull beok! it willtake lotsofur lifeenergy butu will belive in it.
i also have kids and an addcit husband to crack.
i try to do stuff with the kids all the time to keep me busy... to not think to much n concentrate on goodthings,, like mykids telling me they love me...
stay strong and let go and let GOd. look at the good things that will come
its his choice and u need to make ur choice,, stay strong for u and the kids..

bighug to you and thekids:ghug2

Elana

I was all co dependent in my thinking too until the day I found out about the unfaithfulness.. and on that day pure rage took me over as well.

That was 8 months ago. My X hid his addiction from me. Told me he was not an addict "anymore" and he was. Discovering that lie was bad enough. then he moved out and after that I found out about the cheating.

Cheating is demoralizing to the person being cheated on. It is a violation. I have felt violated by this man.. since he was cheating AND having sex with me.

Well, the truth came out and I exchanged "codie love" for rage. That rage turned into a cold anger of the kind I have never in my life experienced. Occaisionally I still have bouts of that anger.

Today I am doing much better. I have given him over to my HP.

Today I really don't care what happens to him. I have no feeling for him at all. I do not care that he is an addict and I know that being an addict will eventually kill him, or he will have an accident or another heart attack or just die of old age.. and on that day the world will be a better place.

DevastatedJP

Give us an update when you have a chance.

inflamleft

DevastatedJP - I am not sure if this is the one you are talking about - If God brings you to it, He will bring you trough it. Happy moments, praise God. Difficult moments, Seek God. Quiet moments, worship God. Painful moments, trust God. Every moment, thank God.
This is the one I have taped to my computer screen.

Payingtheprice - I understand your anger/rage. I have been there. Please hold onto your faith, we don't always understand at the time what the plan is, but remember it is in His hands and think of the lessons we learn especially about ourselves.

BigSis

((((Payingtheprice)))))


And I can tell you that despite his most fervent desires... tears streaming down his face, if his addiction calls him, he would go without hesitation.

We are as addicted to the drama and the rescuing and the neediness and the power of control with an addict as they are addicted to their drugs of choice.

We obsess and act out of compulsion... despite consequence after consequence that results from our obsessive and compulsive behavior.

They obsess and act out of compulsion... despite consequence after consequence that logic tells them is caused by this behavior.


They promise "Never again!" and mean it from the depths of their soul... only to turn around, days ... hours... even minutes later and repeat the bad behavior.

We promise "Never again!" and mean it from the depths of our souls... only to turn around, days... hours ... even minutes later and repeat behavior that wounds us.


We are two sides of the same coin, which is why our program is fundamentally the same as that of AA. We use the same 12 steps and 12 traditions to learn how to live a better life and grow in a way that helps us overcome obsession and compulsive behavior.


I did not believe that a silly group of men and women sitting around a table for an hour a couple times a week could do anything more than waste hours I NEEDED ( mostly to monitor my addicted loved ones).

But when my loved ones addiction became SO painful I made plans to get off the planet, and began to put those plans into action... something happened. When I reached into my purse, seeking a notepad to write those final letters, my hands pulled out a packet of information that included a phone list on the front. I was so low, I didn't care what others thought of me... I called one of those numbers.

That day, an Alanon lady who had no idea how desperate I was.... someone who only knew my face from a few times at Alanon ... that day she gave me what I needed. She gave me a practical way to dissipate some of my pain. She had me write down all my hurt, all my "what ifs" and all my fears. All the terrible, awful things that had happened, were about to happen and everything I feared might happen. She told me to write until my hand got tired... and then burn what I had written. She told me that was a way of giving my pain back up to the universe... back to my Higher Power who had the ability to deal with the pain.

I don't know if I believed even ONE word she said, but I had nothing to lose... not. one. thing. So I did what she said.

It was as if a 1,000 pound blanket was lifted off my back. I could breathe. I could think. I could see. And I knew I did not want to drive my car into that bridge. I knew I needed to stay on the planet ... at least another day.

When I say that Alanon saved my life...it is not an exaggeration. But I couldn't hear the message they were giving me until *I* was ready to be willing. Ready to be openminded. And it was my pain that got me to that point.

Each of us walks this path in a little different manner. My prayers are that you will find exactly what you need to feel better. To make the best choices for you and your children. If you can find some Alanon or Naranon meetings in your area, I urge you to go to six or so... just to see if you feel better afterward.

I wish you well. (((hugs)))

outonalimb

Paying...

I am so sorry about everything you are going thru. I feel the pain and anger in your post. It brings back alot of memories for me because I was in a situation very similar to yours.

The addict in my life is my exhusband. We have a beautiful 8 yr old little boy together. My exh didn't start using heroin until our son was about 3 years old. 'm still not sure when it all began as I lived in the dark...so incredibly naive...for a long time before figuring out that drugs were to blame for my exah's sudden change in behavior. I thought it was depression for a long time. Boy, was I fooled...

We lost our home. I had poured everything I had...everything I was...all of my blood, sweat and tears...into that home. One day, I just couldn't take it anymore and I left my exah to live in our home while I moved into a rental home owned by my parents. I also had to humble myself many times over...asking family and friends to lend me money so I could afford gas for my car and food. I had to rely on the kindness of others to get by while my exah lived in our marital home...doing drugs...and, I found out later, having an affair with another addict. I eventually learned that the affair had been going on for about a year before I left...and I never even knew it or suspected it.

I was full of rage too. I thought about all the times I sacrificed my most basic needs so that my exah would have what he needed. I did it because I loved him...because I thought he was sick...because I wanted to save my son's father from the hell of addiction. And then, when I found about the 'other woman', I felt so completely blindsided...so used...I felt like such a fool because I had ignored some warning signs that were pretty obvious looking back. How, I wondered, could I have been so stupid???

I remember reading obituaries and thinking to myself that the people listed in them were 'lucky'. At least their struggle was over. I never thought of harming myself because of my son but I remember wishing I could. I remember telling God that I could not handle this problem...I remember putting it in his hands and asking him to give me the strength I needed to get thru the day...hell, sometimes I asked for strength to get thru the hour...the minute...because I felt completely hopeless, helpless, trapped, paralyzed, defeated...It was horrible.

I tell you all of this only because I want you to know that I understand the rage...the hurt...the feels of betrayal. All of these feelings were just so overwhelming in the very beginning. All of the emotions were raw...and so painful...like a huge, gaping, open wound.

I also know...however, that things have improved in my life and they've improved in ways that are much better than I ever imagined. I am happy now and I never thought I would be. I have peace in my life...and I am rebuilding everything I lost due to my exah's addiction slowly but surely.

The real turning point for me was to realize that my exahs addiction had nothing to do with me. Oh yes, I was effected by it...but I realized that my exah was a very sick person who was simply doing what addicts do. I stopped putting his needs first when I realized that there was nothing I could do or say that would change the direction he was headed...and I started to make every single decision based on one consideration and one consideration alone...what was best for me and our son. My exah's needs, wishes, and desires stopped being a factor. I left my exah to do what he would and I turned all of the energy and worry that I used to put into what he was doing and put it all into me and our son.

I'm not saying that one day I just woke up and did these things. It took alot of work. I had set-backs. I would slip back into old ways of thinking where I would try and figure out WHY my exah did what he did...I would try to figure out HOW he could do what he was doing...but with time and alot of practice and patience with myself, I was able to snap myself out of those old ways of thinking because they were getting me nowhere.

Addicts are mentally ill. The things they do and say will never make any sense. The drugs are calling the shots. Its really that simple. Nothing he has done or said is an accurate reflection of you or even reality. His behavior and thinking are ruled by his need to keep the addiction going. And so he will hang out with another addict or another enabler who will buy into his crap about why he does drugs...He will lie, he will cheat, he will say whatever he thinks he needs to say in order to keep you roped into his insanity. Its just what they do. Its not personal even though it sure feels personal when it comes from someone you loved and cherished enough to marry and have children with.

The only thing I can say is try as best as you can to put your needs first. Try to do this when it comes to every decision..whether its big or small. If its in your best interest and your children's best interest to live in the marital home, see an attorney and educate yourself about what your rights are. You don't have to file for divorce...you don't have to do anything until you're ready. But knowledge is power.

I know this is a difficult time for you.
My heart goes out to you.
Keep coming back to SR...you'll find lots of people here who understand what you are going thru. This place has been a true life line of sanity and strength for me. I hope it is for you too.

nytepassion

Paying,

Believe it or not .... and as gut wrenchingly/heart clenchingly painful as all this is ...You are going through the process of learning to love yourself.

Mold, fashion and shape
Transformation
You'll LOVE the NEW YOU pun intended


******{Hugs}}}}
Passion

hope213

((((paying))))) don't b so hard on yourself. you are a winner. you have peace & you have your kids.let the woman have the turmoil.take this time to work your recovery because she will get fed up with him too soon & i bet he will b knocking down your door. sending prayers, hope