what to do

Old 10-25-2007, 09:57 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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what to do

i posted yesterday and received so many thoughtful responses - thank you all so much! they really did help me feel better. in fact, simply writing the story helped me immensely.

you see, i've already kicked him out, i've already broken up with him......but with no contact, i worry. when left to my own imagination as to what he's doing right now, i really don't do so well. i'm not sure if it's letting go of control that is freaking me out so badly....i really am concerned for his well-being.

many of you asked why i loved my XABF or that this can't be considered true love because of his character. VERY good points - all of them. and i'm dealing with these issues as much as i can. ever feel like your head is at def com 5 with your heart? i remember him telling me about his addiction and asking for my understanding. i feel so bad because i DON'T understand. i'm pretty sure there's only one way to truly understand it and that's not something i would EVER consider. i know that giving him money, etc. does not help him. but i also know that my anger and resentment don't help him either. i have acted horribly. and all i can think of is how bad he probably needs a friend right now. but like i said, his phone is off. he doesn't check his e-mails. i don't know where he lives. i know, i know, if he really needed a friend that bad, he would make the effort to contact me. but would he? i'm the one who kicked him out, who refused to understand, who yelled and screamed and cried about it EVERY SINGLE TIME. who acts like that towards someone they love? i was just so mad that he would try to destroy someone i love so much. that being him, of course. and i can't even apologize! i am just now coming to the terms that he's destroying me, as well. notice how that always comes second with us??? he never stole from me, i don't think he ever lied about it - he really was quite open and honest about the whole thing.....but his life has become a black hole that i can see no way out of. i'm so scared for him. all the time. and there's always an excuse as to why he can't go to detox or why he can't get a job. sometimes, they really are GOOD excuses. but after you've heard a million and one, whether they're good or bad starts to mean less and less. and that i've come to that conclusion makes me feel AWFUL about myself....i wouldn't do that to any of my other friends. of course, none of my other friends are addicts.....

sorry, i'm rambling at this point. i'm just trying to make sense of how i feel so that i can get some real help for it. i want to just let it go but the guilt is consuming me. that he might be out there, wishing there was SOMEONE he could turn to, while i'm at home, thinking about how proud i am that i found a fulfilling new hobby or whatever. i'm planning on going to therapy but i have to wait until i get my christmas bonus....so until then....i just don't know what to do.
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Old 10-25-2007, 10:27 AM
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Meetings are free, maybe you could give them a try?

I do understand what you are saying (((Nicole))), and as a Mom i still have moments of guilt as if I'm in an "us against them" world. But the truth is, they have to step up and seek the help.

By stepping back and refusing to be destroyed, you have actually helped him, as hard as that is to see. Lets face it, if they aren't allowed to feel the pain they are causing themselves, then why change?

His HP has him, and knows exactly where is his. By trusting that, you can perhaps begin to move on.

Things can and do get better
((((Hugs))))
Cece
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Old 10-25-2007, 11:08 AM
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Hi Nicole,

Your anger and resentments are hurting you more than they are hurting him. I found that out many years ago. I know it is hard to stop being angry and resentful towards someone that has hurt you but you have to think of you.

You are very important to you! It would be really good if you could go to an Alanon meeting. There you will learn how to take care of you.

kelsh
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Old 10-25-2007, 11:26 AM
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i don't recall, nicole - are you going to alanon? it really helps me. blessings, k
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