am i paying for his drugs?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jacksonville, florida
Posts: 341
am i paying for his drugs?
I am now working a full-time job because of the debts my ah has incurred by buying drugs. His salary (which is very good) cannot cover our bills. I know that I cant depend on him to have a job forever, and i should be working to feel less dependent on him financially, but the money i am making, is paying off drug debt!!! also, we got a credit card bill the other day with $1000.00 in cash advances...he is still suing, still piling up the debt and here i am working for little money, and it just seems like it is going to pay for drugs...but if i dont work, then we have more financial troubles...
i am trying to stash away a little here and there when i can..its hard when all your make is neeed to pay bills...
any thoughts??????????????
i am trying to stash away a little here and there when i can..its hard when all your make is neeed to pay bills...
any thoughts??????????????
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jacksonville, florida
Posts: 341
my god give me the strength to do so. I pray and I pray that he will give me that strength....
all that he is doing is going to a smart recovery therapist once a week for an hour to pacify me. and we started marriage counseling.
and then he says he does everything i ask---because sometimes he decides to pitch in around the house a little bit and he doesnt go out with his user friends. whoop-de-doooo!!!! he says he has sacrifices so much for nothing in return...he is doing what every other lawyer does....but most DONT USE DRUGS!! what is he talking about sacrifices??? He has a hard pressure filled job---so who doesnt??? that means he's made so many sacrifices????
he then tells me i do nothing for him-- i dont even give him sex....why should he do anything for me?? he tells me I take all of the joy out of his life and i am not happy unless he is miserable....what a crock of sh**!!!!
like i said before,, i pray and i pray that god gives me the strength i need to get out of this before its too late.......
all that he is doing is going to a smart recovery therapist once a week for an hour to pacify me. and we started marriage counseling.
and then he says he does everything i ask---because sometimes he decides to pitch in around the house a little bit and he doesnt go out with his user friends. whoop-de-doooo!!!! he says he has sacrifices so much for nothing in return...he is doing what every other lawyer does....but most DONT USE DRUGS!! what is he talking about sacrifices??? He has a hard pressure filled job---so who doesnt??? that means he's made so many sacrifices????
he then tells me i do nothing for him-- i dont even give him sex....why should he do anything for me?? he tells me I take all of the joy out of his life and i am not happy unless he is miserable....what a crock of sh**!!!!
like i said before,, i pray and i pray that god gives me the strength i need to get out of this before its too late.......
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Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
Get your name off that credit card. DO IT SOMEHOW. Let that be HIS debt and NOT yours.
Once you have NO association with that Credit card, when the bill comes HE GETS IT. If you are on the card not as a primary, your name can be removed.
DO NOT PAY THE CC BILLS AND DO NOT USE THE CC. If you need a Credit Card, get your own based on only your income. Pass word protect it and never let it off your person. Best to not have it at all.
Now with that debt off YOU, worry about the other bills and food. If he doesn't pay his CC then they will eventually stop giving him credit. Get your financial situation separate to the best of your ability.
Once you have NO association with that Credit card, when the bill comes HE GETS IT. If you are on the card not as a primary, your name can be removed.
DO NOT PAY THE CC BILLS AND DO NOT USE THE CC. If you need a Credit Card, get your own based on only your income. Pass word protect it and never let it off your person. Best to not have it at all.
Now with that debt off YOU, worry about the other bills and food. If he doesn't pay his CC then they will eventually stop giving him credit. Get your financial situation separate to the best of your ability.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Omak WA
Posts: 1,049
Years ago, my soon to be ex closed our checking account...I found out when I went to deposit my paycheck. He also took my name off the VISA but didn't realize that he now would be responsible for the charges. He also tried to close another credit card that was in my name only and they wouldn't let him do it. VISA sent me my own credit card but I didn't use it. The other company issued me a new card so my ex couldn't charge on the other one as had been doing.
I changed banks with my account in my name even though I didn't have enough income to pay all the bills. He had been court ordered to pay the house payment until the divorce was final but didn't do it....I ended up selling the house six days before it was to go into foreclosure. He was very mad about this.
I had to do what I could do to keep it together for me and my youngest child. We moved across state after school was out that year and the stress was much less.
He ended up having to pay $300 a month child support to the court who then would send it to Support Enforcement then on to me. The court ordered the child support be decucted from his work so I usually got it on time.
Good luck to you.
kelsh
I changed banks with my account in my name even though I didn't have enough income to pay all the bills. He had been court ordered to pay the house payment until the divorce was final but didn't do it....I ended up selling the house six days before it was to go into foreclosure. He was very mad about this.
I had to do what I could do to keep it together for me and my youngest child. We moved across state after school was out that year and the stress was much less.
He ended up having to pay $300 a month child support to the court who then would send it to Support Enforcement then on to me. The court ordered the child support be decucted from his work so I usually got it on time.
Good luck to you.
kelsh
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Delaware
Posts: 201
I would close all the credit card accts that have him on as co anything. If he is a authorized user call them and get him taken off. I would then make sure I had nothing where he could withdraw $ like that.
I am so sorry you are going through this.
I am so sorry you are going through this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jacksonville, florida
Posts: 341
the credit card is only his name, but we are married and live in nj so his debt is considered my debt as long as we are married,,,even if it is in his name.
he has that one credit card that is $20,000 and another one that is for $10,000.
i also have one for $10,000 which is from my attorney's fees...
we have more debt as well in a home equity loan....ltos and lots of debt.
he has that one credit card that is $20,000 and another one that is for $10,000.
i also have one for $10,000 which is from my attorney's fees...
we have more debt as well in a home equity loan....ltos and lots of debt.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: NJ
Posts: 702
Drained,
You are a lot stronger than you think. Open a checking account in your name only, and put your check in it. Do not put his name on anything, take out what you can from the joint account to help cover the bills. Talk to your lawyer about the charge account, I was responsible for the ones I had in my name only when I was divorced, my ex did not have to pay anything on them. I used mine to help support myself and the kids for awhile. I feel bad that you are going through this mess and hope you figure out what is best for you. I am here for you if you need me at anytime.
Hugs coming to you
You are a lot stronger than you think. Open a checking account in your name only, and put your check in it. Do not put his name on anything, take out what you can from the joint account to help cover the bills. Talk to your lawyer about the charge account, I was responsible for the ones I had in my name only when I was divorced, my ex did not have to pay anything on them. I used mine to help support myself and the kids for awhile. I feel bad that you are going through this mess and hope you figure out what is best for you. I am here for you if you need me at anytime.
Hugs coming to you
krhea75
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: macomb, il
Posts: 644
Drainedwife,
So sorry for the financial mess. I can relate because of all the rehab my son has been through. I'm not even sure what we owe yet, but I think it might be around $80,000! The rehab place is investigating alternative forms of funding for us, but it is overwhelming to think about it. One thing that came to mind as I read your post was that when you are praying for strength.... If you look at the whole situation, it may seem too insurmountable. But if you look at what you can do just for today. Today cancel your credit cards. Tomorrow call a lawyer, etc. I know when I look back over the last 3 years of chaos with my son I sometimes wonder how I got through it. I made some really hard decisions. I had him arrested numerous times. But I began to realize that only in holding him accountable for his criminal behavior would he ever be able to hold himself accountable. If you hold your husband accountable for what he is doing to you and your kids, it would be the best thing for him. I know this seems like a paradox, but that's the very heart of a paradox: two opposing truths that seem to contradict each other, but when thrown together they create a deeper truthful meaning. You love your husband. You leave your husband. This will create a deeper truthful meaning. You will find yourself.
krhea
So sorry for the financial mess. I can relate because of all the rehab my son has been through. I'm not even sure what we owe yet, but I think it might be around $80,000! The rehab place is investigating alternative forms of funding for us, but it is overwhelming to think about it. One thing that came to mind as I read your post was that when you are praying for strength.... If you look at the whole situation, it may seem too insurmountable. But if you look at what you can do just for today. Today cancel your credit cards. Tomorrow call a lawyer, etc. I know when I look back over the last 3 years of chaos with my son I sometimes wonder how I got through it. I made some really hard decisions. I had him arrested numerous times. But I began to realize that only in holding him accountable for his criminal behavior would he ever be able to hold himself accountable. If you hold your husband accountable for what he is doing to you and your kids, it would be the best thing for him. I know this seems like a paradox, but that's the very heart of a paradox: two opposing truths that seem to contradict each other, but when thrown together they create a deeper truthful meaning. You love your husband. You leave your husband. This will create a deeper truthful meaning. You will find yourself.
krhea
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Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
While this may hurt you, I would cease to pay the CC bills other than your own. Let them go delinquent. Talk to your lawyer. Figure this out and calculate your plan to control the damage to you.
Your debt will get worse, not better, as long as he is an active drug user. All the money he makes won't mean a thing eventually.. and the debt will still be there when he finally loses his job.
Well, you know all this. You have read the threads and you really do know it isn't going to get better.
You have read the stories, and there are many here about how it is likely to get worse and it will all come crumbling down..
Eventually bills don't get paid because there are more bills than income to cover them and the things that were bought on credit are foreclosed on or repo'd. the story will repeat itself with you if you don't step out of the chaos.. the whirlwind.. that you are in.
You will decide when that happens and whether or not it happens b4 it is all lost or after. Your choices, your decisions and your time frame.
Sorry you too are going thru what so many others have gone thru.
Your debt will get worse, not better, as long as he is an active drug user. All the money he makes won't mean a thing eventually.. and the debt will still be there when he finally loses his job.
Well, you know all this. You have read the threads and you really do know it isn't going to get better.
You have read the stories, and there are many here about how it is likely to get worse and it will all come crumbling down..
Eventually bills don't get paid because there are more bills than income to cover them and the things that were bought on credit are foreclosed on or repo'd. the story will repeat itself with you if you don't step out of the chaos.. the whirlwind.. that you are in.
You will decide when that happens and whether or not it happens b4 it is all lost or after. Your choices, your decisions and your time frame.
Sorry you too are going thru what so many others have gone thru.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
I like Best's idea... get thee to an attorney - protect yourself and your children. Let your Mr. protect himself... that is HIS job.
Have you checked out any cheap apartments? Given thought to moving you and your kids and actually taking a break from this incredible stress?
If you could get an attorney to help you with limiting your responsibility for his drug debt, what a great start that would be. And if you just went and looked at a couple of cheap apartments and tried to imagine how you could fix them up cute... that would be a big step.
You don't have to get divorced.
You don't have to pay his bills.
You don't have to live the life you are living.
For me, recovery happens in a sort of 3-step way -
Awareness
Acceptness
Action
You have had some awareness for a while now. You have started to accept that your dream future is not happening. Perhaps it is time to take some action... small steps, at first.
I wish you the best.
Have you checked out any cheap apartments? Given thought to moving you and your kids and actually taking a break from this incredible stress?
If you could get an attorney to help you with limiting your responsibility for his drug debt, what a great start that would be. And if you just went and looked at a couple of cheap apartments and tried to imagine how you could fix them up cute... that would be a big step.
You don't have to get divorced.
You don't have to pay his bills.
You don't have to live the life you are living.
For me, recovery happens in a sort of 3-step way -
Awareness
Acceptness
Action
You have had some awareness for a while now. You have started to accept that your dream future is not happening. Perhaps it is time to take some action... small steps, at first.
I wish you the best.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jacksonville, florida
Posts: 341
when i confronted my ah and told him the only reason i am working full-time is because of his drug debt--he went balistic...he came towards me intimidating me, pointing his fniger at me and i backed into a corner in the room covering my face in fear he might hurt me....
he was yelling that the debt is not all his fault...that our addition also caused the debt, and that why is it my right not to work full-time? well, i didnt have to work full-time before all this mess--and he makes plenty of money that we were able to afford the addition, and it would have ben paid off by now..but he CANNOT and WILL NOT take responsiblity for his actions..he will take partial and then blame me for the rest. He is in so much DENIAL that he refuses to see what his actions have done. He even said to our marriage counselor that if our marriage was a happy one, that he would have no reason to take drugs...and he blames me for years ago, before his drug use (which im not too sure actually when it did start), i didnt pay enough attention to him and i was spending too much money, and he felt "used". Those are his reasons for talking drugs...
I took actions in the summer--my ah fought me tooth and nail because he told me "you filed for divorce,.,, i was not just going to roll over and play dead"..someone always has to "pay for his suffering", instead of him looking at himself and seeing that HE IS THE CAUSE.....
he was yelling that the debt is not all his fault...that our addition also caused the debt, and that why is it my right not to work full-time? well, i didnt have to work full-time before all this mess--and he makes plenty of money that we were able to afford the addition, and it would have ben paid off by now..but he CANNOT and WILL NOT take responsiblity for his actions..he will take partial and then blame me for the rest. He is in so much DENIAL that he refuses to see what his actions have done. He even said to our marriage counselor that if our marriage was a happy one, that he would have no reason to take drugs...and he blames me for years ago, before his drug use (which im not too sure actually when it did start), i didnt pay enough attention to him and i was spending too much money, and he felt "used". Those are his reasons for talking drugs...
I took actions in the summer--my ah fought me tooth and nail because he told me "you filed for divorce,.,, i was not just going to roll over and play dead"..someone always has to "pay for his suffering", instead of him looking at himself and seeing that HE IS THE CAUSE.....
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: NJ
Posts: 61
I also was in NJ - my husbands credit cards were in his name only. The lawyer I saw told me he would have to prove that debit was used for us, such as the house, cars or our child. He couldn't prove that, it was cash advances for drugs and stuff for him & his girlfriend! I also had a collection agency call me about a outstanding loan he had, they couldn't do anything to me I didn't sign anything. It was his debit and my name wasn't on anything and I know he couldn't prove it was used for us.
I took whatever money we had and moved it to my name only. I paid my credit cards and would pay the minimum on his. But that didn't matter - we had a CD at a bank that was coming due in about a year. I was going to close it out but figured he wouldn't touch it. When he got clean he told me his credit card debit was his and he would take care of it. It was $40,000 - he sure did, he took a loan out against the CD so I guess I also paid for all of his drug use and him and his girlfriend to do stuff.
I took what ever money was left from the CD and put it in my name. To this day it makes me sick to think of the money that disappeared. I don't know if this is something I will ever fully get over.
Just remember ALWAYS protect yourself and take whatever money you can.
I took whatever money we had and moved it to my name only. I paid my credit cards and would pay the minimum on his. But that didn't matter - we had a CD at a bank that was coming due in about a year. I was going to close it out but figured he wouldn't touch it. When he got clean he told me his credit card debit was his and he would take care of it. It was $40,000 - he sure did, he took a loan out against the CD so I guess I also paid for all of his drug use and him and his girlfriend to do stuff.
I took what ever money was left from the CD and put it in my name. To this day it makes me sick to think of the money that disappeared. I don't know if this is something I will ever fully get over.
Just remember ALWAYS protect yourself and take whatever money you can.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: In
Posts: 561
to "pay for his suffering", instead of him looking at himself and seeing that HE IS THE CAUSE.....
Don't let him turn things around an put the blame on you. It's his addiction along with ..I believe.. a few mental problems that is messing up yours lives..NOT YOU !
Hang in there your stronger than you think.
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
what a bloody awful mess.....
I have to say that one time, a long time ago, I had a BF who threatened me harm. ONE TIME mind you.
I gave him 3 days to get the heck out of my life.. get his stuff out of the house and be GONE.
Then I went and stayed elsewhere for 3 days. He was gone when I came back. He was told to never again cross my door way.
I tell you.. abuse is just the total pitts.. and, like drug use it too tends to escalate.
Please do stay safe. Your life depends on it.. not to mention the lives of your children. We codies tend to do the denial dance too.. hoping for things to get better.
Just freakin' stay SAFE.
I have to say that one time, a long time ago, I had a BF who threatened me harm. ONE TIME mind you.
I gave him 3 days to get the heck out of my life.. get his stuff out of the house and be GONE.
Then I went and stayed elsewhere for 3 days. He was gone when I came back. He was told to never again cross my door way.
I tell you.. abuse is just the total pitts.. and, like drug use it too tends to escalate.
Please do stay safe. Your life depends on it.. not to mention the lives of your children. We codies tend to do the denial dance too.. hoping for things to get better.
Just freakin' stay SAFE.
A work in progress....
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: FREE!!!! Somewhere in the Tennessee Mountains
Posts: 1,018
dw,
I know how you are feeling. It is scary. I went through about six months of intimidation and manipulation tactics aimed at me and my kids, but my ex isn't an attorney (and didn't have the good sense to even be honest with his....). It hasn't been easy at all; but I would not go back to where I was 9 months ago for any reason. nada. Peace is priceless.
I don't know what to tell you other than what I have said before. Confronting him is pointless; IMHO couples counseling is useless; he is abusive and addicted and you need to make some hard choices.
That didn't happen for me until I REALLY came to the point of complete acceptance of my powerlessness over my ex and everything related to his addiction and abuse.
We codies are the same as the addicts....until the pain of remaining in a codependent relationship is greater than the pain of getting out, we stay. Until the pain of using is greater than the pain of seeking recovery, they use.
Maybe if you could try to start looking at leaving him as the one and only way that you might in fact influence him to try recovery, it would be easier. And start reading up on what living in an environment like ours does to children and how it effects the rest of their lives.
I don't know....you are the only one that can decide what to do and when. But we are all here for you and praying for you! Take care and for heaven's sake stop confronting this man before he hurts you or one of your kids.....
I know how you are feeling. It is scary. I went through about six months of intimidation and manipulation tactics aimed at me and my kids, but my ex isn't an attorney (and didn't have the good sense to even be honest with his....). It hasn't been easy at all; but I would not go back to where I was 9 months ago for any reason. nada. Peace is priceless.
I don't know what to tell you other than what I have said before. Confronting him is pointless; IMHO couples counseling is useless; he is abusive and addicted and you need to make some hard choices.
That didn't happen for me until I REALLY came to the point of complete acceptance of my powerlessness over my ex and everything related to his addiction and abuse.
We codies are the same as the addicts....until the pain of remaining in a codependent relationship is greater than the pain of getting out, we stay. Until the pain of using is greater than the pain of seeking recovery, they use.
Maybe if you could try to start looking at leaving him as the one and only way that you might in fact influence him to try recovery, it would be easier. And start reading up on what living in an environment like ours does to children and how it effects the rest of their lives.
I don't know....you are the only one that can decide what to do and when. But we are all here for you and praying for you! Take care and for heaven's sake stop confronting this man before he hurts you or one of your kids.....
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Ohio
Posts: 233
((((drainedwife))))
You and your kids deserve better.
You are stronger than you give yourself credit for right now, really.
Addiction is a family disease.
I know my EXAH didn't ask me to stick around and put up with all his crap, I did that because I was afraid.
Instead of asking why he would treat someone he loved like he did~I started asking why I would stick around and put up with that.
Take care of yourself and those kids....
It is pointless to keep confronting him.
Hugs...Michelle
You and your kids deserve better.
You are stronger than you give yourself credit for right now, really.
Addiction is a family disease.
I know my EXAH didn't ask me to stick around and put up with all his crap, I did that because I was afraid.
Instead of asking why he would treat someone he loved like he did~I started asking why I would stick around and put up with that.
Take care of yourself and those kids....
It is pointless to keep confronting him.
Hugs...Michelle
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Well, this has been going on for quite a long time...you folded in the divorce matter, and took him back, hoping for a bright future, knowing full well that he was still using, and now you keep digging yourself a deeper hole. Instead of putting your whole paycheck away for your and your childrens future you are paying off his drug debt....
Cash in the bank, in your name only, is the only answer....don't pay anything against the CC debt, nothing against the house, you will lose it anyway, his addiction will take it away, his job will be gone and unless you wake up and do something practical you'll be out on the street, too, children and all....
He is totally hooked on drugs, they control him and you are allowing them to control you too....time to wake up.....no more playing "Lets Pretend".
Start driving the car, there is no future in continuing to ride in the back seat.
Do I sound harsh? Probably, but time is running out, the rubber band is stretched to the limit and I am concerned about your and your children's well-being...and I fear that if you continue to live with him, his insanity... there will come a day when he will beat the crap out of you....drugs are in total control, he is out of control. Not my rules, just reality...
Cash in the bank, in your name only, is the only answer....don't pay anything against the CC debt, nothing against the house, you will lose it anyway, his addiction will take it away, his job will be gone and unless you wake up and do something practical you'll be out on the street, too, children and all....
He is totally hooked on drugs, they control him and you are allowing them to control you too....time to wake up.....no more playing "Lets Pretend".
Start driving the car, there is no future in continuing to ride in the back seat.
Do I sound harsh? Probably, but time is running out, the rubber band is stretched to the limit and I am concerned about your and your children's well-being...and I fear that if you continue to live with him, his insanity... there will come a day when he will beat the crap out of you....drugs are in total control, he is out of control. Not my rules, just reality...
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
((((dw))))
I don't know how you can put up with him blaming you, backing you into corners and, you feeling afraid that he may try to hurt you.
He has done nothing but BS you all year. What is it that you have with him? I know how stuck we can get really I do. I am praying that you can come up with a very small action that with give you some traction to get unstuck and moving in a direction that will be good for you.
You don't have to listen to him blame you for his addiction. Come on you know you have to keep the focus on yourself that's the #1 rule of breaking free of his addiction and yours to him. Get some detachment, breathe, clear your head...
I don't know how you can put up with him blaming you, backing you into corners and, you feeling afraid that he may try to hurt you.
He has done nothing but BS you all year. What is it that you have with him? I know how stuck we can get really I do. I am praying that you can come up with a very small action that with give you some traction to get unstuck and moving in a direction that will be good for you.
You don't have to listen to him blame you for his addiction. Come on you know you have to keep the focus on yourself that's the #1 rule of breaking free of his addiction and yours to him. Get some detachment, breathe, clear your head...
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