how to say no in the bedroom??? and other issues
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jacksonville, florida
Posts: 341
how to say no in the bedroom??? and other issues
i wanted to know anyon else's experiences with saying "no" when it comes to sex.
I REALLY have no interest in it whatsoever since i feel that my ah is so dishonest, disrespectful, using drugs, abusive, etc.....
i have not said no as much as i should be...he does not understand my feelings at all. that I cannot be "intimate" with someone who treats me badly, and also who cares so little about themselves that they are slowly killing themselves by using drugs. it just really disgusts me...plus i dont know when he is actually "high" most of the time....so how do i know when im actually even "being with him when he is sober"?
anyway, i know this is something i have to work on..i know my problem is that i hate conflict and try to avoid it as much as possible..but that is not going to solve the issues in my life....
i am realizing that throughout our entire marraige, hardly anything ever got resolved, everythign always got swept under the carpet and if we just "kissed and made up" the problem went away too...or at least wasnt discussed anymore.
also, i realize that my husband has been somewhat controlling our whole marraige and now that i am changing somewhat by not giving in so much, and standing up to him and realizing the things he says and does are abusive; and he doesnt like the change in me.
anyway, i started reading a book about verbally abusive relationships and its really good.. most of us dont even realize what is happening to us, and it really causes us to loose our spirit and a piece of ourselves. Now, i just need to get strong enough to let go---
Thanks for listening and letting me share my thoughts.
I REALLY have no interest in it whatsoever since i feel that my ah is so dishonest, disrespectful, using drugs, abusive, etc.....
i have not said no as much as i should be...he does not understand my feelings at all. that I cannot be "intimate" with someone who treats me badly, and also who cares so little about themselves that they are slowly killing themselves by using drugs. it just really disgusts me...plus i dont know when he is actually "high" most of the time....so how do i know when im actually even "being with him when he is sober"?
anyway, i know this is something i have to work on..i know my problem is that i hate conflict and try to avoid it as much as possible..but that is not going to solve the issues in my life....
i am realizing that throughout our entire marraige, hardly anything ever got resolved, everythign always got swept under the carpet and if we just "kissed and made up" the problem went away too...or at least wasnt discussed anymore.
also, i realize that my husband has been somewhat controlling our whole marraige and now that i am changing somewhat by not giving in so much, and standing up to him and realizing the things he says and does are abusive; and he doesnt like the change in me.
anyway, i started reading a book about verbally abusive relationships and its really good.. most of us dont even realize what is happening to us, and it really causes us to loose our spirit and a piece of ourselves. Now, i just need to get strong enough to let go---
Thanks for listening and letting me share my thoughts.
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
Posts: 875
When I got to that point with my husband I had to just tell him, "Look .. you treat me like crap, you spend all you free time away and using drugs, you don't spend anytime with the kids and I, you lie and totally disrespect me + all the million other things you do - and then you want me to have sex with you. (I am worth more than just a fk buddy (pardon the language) ..... I felt he had taken everything he could from me my self-esteem, my peace, my joy, as well as denied me a healthy relationship with him .. all I had left was my body - that was one thing he and his addictive behavior couldn't control .. I determined I wasn't going to abandon myself just to satisfy him. I couldn't bare the thought of having sex with him (I wasn't going to let him treat me like crap between his toes and then have sex with him too) So I just said NO .. he tried to pressure me and even used the ol' wifely duties speel .. tried to thump me with biblical scripture - tried to tell me I wasn't doin' what I was supposed to be doin' (look who's call the kettle black) I had made up my mind and I was unmovable .. I didn't have to give my body to him and that was the end of that. Of course I thought about what if he cheats on me .. (then I thought, Oh well .. I hope he does and I hope he hooks up with another woman and moves in with her) Gets him off my back .. and besides she won't be getting nothing that I dont' already have .. in time he'll treat her just as crappy as he did me. (not that I wished that on anyone else, but thinking that way helped relieve the fear of what if he cheats) = Besides truthfully drugs are in a way comparable to another woman .. (since he is always out chasing after his drug of choice) They hunt down, spend time with, hold. hide and lie about, stay gone, spend all their money on it, work for it and take care and nourish the relationship, hiding, lying about, staying away for days, think about, obsess over and can't wait to get it, live, breath and die for it - (so how much worse can it get) We're abandoned as if they have someone else anyway .. just might as well have.
You don't have to do anything you don't want to do and your body is your own - if you don't want to sacrifice it .. Don't
just my humble long drawn out opinion LOL
****{Hugs}}}
Passion
You don't have to do anything you don't want to do and your body is your own - if you don't want to sacrifice it .. Don't
just my humble long drawn out opinion LOL
****{Hugs}}}
Passion
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
In recovery I have learned it is difficult for me to set healthy boundaries for me while I am worried about affecting someone's feelings.
My boundaries may step on other's toes, but as long as those boundaries are not set with malicious intent, resentments and anger - then that is none of my business - It is ok to set boundaries to take care of me. And drainedwife, it is ok to set boundaries to take care of you too.
Just my e, s, & h,
Wishing you serenity & Joy,
Rita
My boundaries may step on other's toes, but as long as those boundaries are not set with malicious intent, resentments and anger - then that is none of my business - It is ok to set boundaries to take care of me. And drainedwife, it is ok to set boundaries to take care of you too.
Just my e, s, & h,
Wishing you serenity & Joy,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Nearby
Posts: 231
I'm of the opinion that everyone has the right to say no. With that said, I'm having trouble understanding why you're living with someone that you describe as dishonest, disrespectful, abusive and an active user.
DeniseH
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Iowa
Posts: 33
We went all through this too for awhile. One night when I knew he was high I was already in bed and he came in, I tried to act like I was sleeping, said no a couple of times, but I finally just rolled over and said - Fine, just cover me up when you are done...... - that was the last time he bugged me after I had said no when he was high. And that was several years ago.
But really, sex was something that for the most part was always good between us, I wanted it as much as he did. We have just the opposite problem now - since he has been home from jail and I have had a mastectomy he doesn't even want to touch me, which is killing me! He says that he doesn't want it to be like it was before and he doesn't want to hurt me (I still have my port in). This part he blames on my cancer. I just don't know how to handle it.
But really, sex was something that for the most part was always good between us, I wanted it as much as he did. We have just the opposite problem now - since he has been home from jail and I have had a mastectomy he doesn't even want to touch me, which is killing me! He says that he doesn't want it to be like it was before and he doesn't want to hurt me (I still have my port in). This part he blames on my cancer. I just don't know how to handle it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Kalamazoo, MI
Posts: 69
Japic said it really well!
But, honestly, I have a hard time with this one too. My abf thinks that my turning him down for sex is "punishment." He can't seem to understand that alcoholism and drug use is a huge turn-off. And sometimes it's just easier to say yes and get it over with than put up with the nagging and raging.
I have a good friend who's really good at setting boundaries. She always laughs hard and says Fk him! or don't fk him, it's your choice either way! It's silly but it reminds me that I take life too seriously. If I say no, so what?! What's the big deal?!
But, honestly, I have a hard time with this one too. My abf thinks that my turning him down for sex is "punishment." He can't seem to understand that alcoholism and drug use is a huge turn-off. And sometimes it's just easier to say yes and get it over with than put up with the nagging and raging.
I have a good friend who's really good at setting boundaries. She always laughs hard and says Fk him! or don't fk him, it's your choice either way! It's silly but it reminds me that I take life too seriously. If I say no, so what?! What's the big deal?!
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
I think theres a difference between a man who is drunk and just want's sex, and a sober man who wants to make love.
I was never so disgusted with my childrens father than when he would come home after living it up, at 2am, and leaving me at home alone with the children all day and all night. Then crawl into bed and expect me to respond. The putred smell of his breath, the drooling and the slurred words made me completely and totaly turned off to him and eventually that bled through to times he was sober. I just couldn't stand the look of him any more.
I was never so disgusted with my childrens father than when he would come home after living it up, at 2am, and leaving me at home alone with the children all day and all night. Then crawl into bed and expect me to respond. The putred smell of his breath, the drooling and the slurred words made me completely and totaly turned off to him and eventually that bled through to times he was sober. I just couldn't stand the look of him any more.
A work in progress....
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: FREE!!!! Somewhere in the Tennessee Mountains
Posts: 1,018
I reached the same point with my exah several months before I actually enforced the boundary. He used to always blame his using on my "lack of affection" (translation: lack of desire to have sex with him). We, too, never resolved anything. By the end, there was no respect, no honesty, no trust. I was past even feeling disgust. I was just numb.
The last two times we were together in that way were on July 6 & 7, 2006. The dates are burned in my mind and heart because something in me finally let go of whatever it was that kept me hooked into that particular dance with him.
He had (once again) said that if I were a "better wife" that he wouldn't feel the need to do drugs. I gave in to him; he got up and left our bed afterwards and didn't come back until who knows when. The next day he was all "happy", and that night we were together again. I tasted the dope in his mouth; I heard him snorting it down his throat when we were kissing. The next day (after I had found the powder and a bag full of dope), I asked him if he was using again. He looked me in the eye and lied. That was the beginning of the end. Not for me, but for us.
It was the beginning of the beginning for me.....I don't think I ever actually said the word "no", but he knew. He knew by my manner and by my change in attitude. He stopped bothering me about it. It didn't happen overnight, but it has happened. But not until I made the decision to take care of myself and my feelings and let him take care of his.
I lived in the same house with Him for another 8 months before I was at a point that I could file for divorce and know I would not be backing down. I guess it just happens for everyone differently and you have to find your own time and your own way. But I know it's not an easy situation, especially when there is abuse involved.
I read a good book called "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. I encourage you to get a copy and read it. I think you will see your life unfolding on the pages. Take care!!
The last two times we were together in that way were on July 6 & 7, 2006. The dates are burned in my mind and heart because something in me finally let go of whatever it was that kept me hooked into that particular dance with him.
He had (once again) said that if I were a "better wife" that he wouldn't feel the need to do drugs. I gave in to him; he got up and left our bed afterwards and didn't come back until who knows when. The next day he was all "happy", and that night we were together again. I tasted the dope in his mouth; I heard him snorting it down his throat when we were kissing. The next day (after I had found the powder and a bag full of dope), I asked him if he was using again. He looked me in the eye and lied. That was the beginning of the end. Not for me, but for us.
It was the beginning of the beginning for me.....I don't think I ever actually said the word "no", but he knew. He knew by my manner and by my change in attitude. He stopped bothering me about it. It didn't happen overnight, but it has happened. But not until I made the decision to take care of myself and my feelings and let him take care of his.
I lived in the same house with Him for another 8 months before I was at a point that I could file for divorce and know I would not be backing down. I guess it just happens for everyone differently and you have to find your own time and your own way. But I know it's not an easy situation, especially when there is abuse involved.
I read a good book called "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. I encourage you to get a copy and read it. I think you will see your life unfolding on the pages. Take care!!
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
"No." is a complete sentence.
I have never yet received "permission" from the addict with whom I am trying to set a boundary. Hell, I have never yet received permission from ANYONE with whom I am trying to set a boundary.
This is not a character defect on your part -
It is a character defect on his.
I was never able to "make nice" or "not rock the boat" or "keep the peace" and still have boundaries and joy. It has taken me nearly 50 years to figure out that I deserve joy... just by who I am. I do not get it from my husband, or my children or my coworkers.
I earned the right to a joyful life the day I was born.
It is MY responsibility to understand what it takes to make that happen, and to implement behaviors to make that happen.
(((hugs)))) I do wish you well.
I have never yet received "permission" from the addict with whom I am trying to set a boundary. Hell, I have never yet received permission from ANYONE with whom I am trying to set a boundary.
This is not a character defect on your part -
I cannot be "intimate" with someone who treats me badly
I was never able to "make nice" or "not rock the boat" or "keep the peace" and still have boundaries and joy. It has taken me nearly 50 years to figure out that I deserve joy... just by who I am. I do not get it from my husband, or my children or my coworkers.
I earned the right to a joyful life the day I was born.
It is MY responsibility to understand what it takes to make that happen, and to implement behaviors to make that happen.
(((hugs)))) I do wish you well.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 6
My problem is that my AH is always soooooo incredibly sweet and loving when he's high...I wanted to make love to him... but knowing he's high just truns my stomach...and I can't look or touch him, and I can't stand for him to touch me.
I struggle with not wanting to even when he's sober because I just have some much resentment over everything he's put me through and still is...But I CAN"T Stand that hurt look he gives me...and I know he really is hurt. But I can't stop feeling how I'm feeling!
I struggle with not wanting to even when he's sober because I just have some much resentment over everything he's put me through and still is...But I CAN"T Stand that hurt look he gives me...and I know he really is hurt. But I can't stop feeling how I'm feeling!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jacksonville, florida
Posts: 341
why am i still there?
basically because of my co-dependency and my lack of self-esteem.
I am getting stronger and sticing up for myself, but im not there yet, where i can call it quits..
i am also scared of what he may put me through (the whole divorce issue)...i had already gotten a taste of it this summer...im afraid it will just kill me....emotionally.
i am also so scared to be alone in taking care of my kids financially..i barely make enough to pay for rent, food & gas. i know i am counting on "an addict" to support me now, and that in itself is crazy....but some people can go for years and years and keep their jobs...again, im reading what im writing and it sounds crazy.
I am getting stronger and sticing up for myself, but im not there yet, where i can call it quits..
i am also scared of what he may put me through (the whole divorce issue)...i had already gotten a taste of it this summer...im afraid it will just kill me....emotionally.
i am also so scared to be alone in taking care of my kids financially..i barely make enough to pay for rent, food & gas. i know i am counting on "an addict" to support me now, and that in itself is crazy....but some people can go for years and years and keep their jobs...again, im reading what im writing and it sounds crazy.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: NJ
Posts: 702
Drained,
You sound like you are getting stronger. I am proud that you are seeing things a little more clearly than you did a couple of months ago. Just keep saying to yourself that I deserve better, and in time you will start to believe it more. I know how you feel since I went through a divorce with an attorney, and it was not fun.
Sending you hugs,
You sound like you are getting stronger. I am proud that you are seeing things a little more clearly than you did a couple of months ago. Just keep saying to yourself that I deserve better, and in time you will start to believe it more. I know how you feel since I went through a divorce with an attorney, and it was not fun.
Sending you hugs,
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Having sex to me is a functional act. Making love to another is an emotional experience, shared by two people who desire , love and respect each other.
As for the monitary issues, I have never seen anyone get ahead of the game while living with an addict, usually one goes deeper into debt.
If you don't so anything else, I would suggest that you start stashing some money, in your name only. Cut back anyway you can, 5.00 here, 5.00 there, and stick the money in your account.
Addiction is a progressive disease, it will get worse, until he seeks recovery, gets in a program and adhears to it.
I wish you the best.
As for the monitary issues, I have never seen anyone get ahead of the game while living with an addict, usually one goes deeper into debt.
If you don't so anything else, I would suggest that you start stashing some money, in your name only. Cut back anyway you can, 5.00 here, 5.00 there, and stick the money in your account.
Addiction is a progressive disease, it will get worse, until he seeks recovery, gets in a program and adhears to it.
I wish you the best.
Survivor
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 149
Once I have learned to set my boundaries, others may try to ignore them or accuse me of being selfish.
I know my boundaries have been crossed when I begin to feel uncomfortable inside, and I need to pay attention to this feeling. If others are used to relating to me in a certain way, and I'm changing, it usually means they have to change too.
They may resist this change, but I'm not here to make other people happy; I'm here to make myself happy. If I don't want to change my mind about a boundary I've set, I don't have to. Other people will have to learn to live with the "new me."
I recognize this new attitude as a sign that I'm getting stronger every day.
I know my boundaries have been crossed when I begin to feel uncomfortable inside, and I need to pay attention to this feeling. If others are used to relating to me in a certain way, and I'm changing, it usually means they have to change too.
They may resist this change, but I'm not here to make other people happy; I'm here to make myself happy. If I don't want to change my mind about a boundary I've set, I don't have to. Other people will have to learn to live with the "new me."
I recognize this new attitude as a sign that I'm getting stronger every day.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
