What does it mean to be "supportive"

Old 10-22-2007, 01:23 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
lightquest's Avatar
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Kalamazoo, MI
Posts: 69
What does it mean to be "supportive"

I know that I'm not here too regularly. It's been a few months since I've posted. My abf is still at it. He's up and he's down. He'll get 30 days sober then he'll use. Mabye he'll get 60 or 90 days sober, then he'll use for 3 weeks. He considers all of these incidences "slips." Well, maybe I'm too harsh, but I think if you're in a regular pattern of not using and then're not "recovering."

I drew a firm line this summer (for a while). No contact if he was using. Since he has terrible paranoid psychosis after using cocaine, no contact for 15 days or so. He's such a creep after he's been using! He's all nutty-crazy.

So, we haven't seen each other much in the last few weeks because of his travel and we live 2 hours apart. This week we were talking on the phone and I told him that I was starting to see an old pattern of behavior creeping back - was he using? wans he drinking? why hasn't he been going to meetings? He got all mad and "yes, dear" to me. So I dropped it. I told him what I thought and it was his place to act on it or not.

Today he emails that he "drank last night," but he loves me and appreciates me so much. He wants to see me on Saturday. I said absolutely not. He needs to do the work to be sober (going to meetings, talking to his sponsor,etc....) to maintain his committment to sobriety.

Then he proceeds to tell me about all of the changes he's made in his life over the last 4 years - left his ex-wife, distanced from his drug/alcohol friends, started going to bible study, etc....

Well that's all great, but he's been in my life 3 1/2 years, and it's a constant rollercoaster of using and not using. So he wants credit for all of the changes he's made, and I give him that. He's made some really difficult choices. But he's still not sober.

It seems to me that you can't be a little bit can't be little bit of a drug addict.

I know that I'm angry and it shows. So am I being "unsupportive" to point out that he's still not sober (and I may not be around much longer)? He's begging me to understand and be patient.
lightquest is offline  
Old 10-22-2007, 01:38 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
DevastatedJP's Avatar
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 138
Gosh, I want to say something wise and enlightening but I am new to this site and don't have enough legs under me yet to be able to say much more than "good for you for calling him out". I get the same "opps I slipped" excuse too and it's only good the first few times then it gets old, like "I'm sorry" . If you hear it over and over again you just quit believing. Believe in yourself and believe you deserve better. I don't know if you haven't been patient if you've been on this roller coaster for 3 1/2 years. I hope you get some good feedback on your thread. I think you're doing pretty darn good!
DevastatedJP is offline  
Old 10-22-2007, 01:49 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
lightseeker's Avatar
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,688
Blog Entries: 12
Lightquest -

I remember you and am sorry to hear about your ABF still going at it. I know that the best thing for me to do is to focus on me and what I am doing, my boundaries, and adhering to the consequences that I have decided upon. I am convinced that the journey that we are on to recover is even tougher than drug/alcohol addiction.

I know that when I am angry then something is wrong with me - not anyone else. The 4th step helps me with that one. Everytime that I am angry at my RAH I look to see what my part of it is - usually it's either poor boundaries, denial, or self-delusion. One day at a time - and nothing changes if nothing changes. Are you doing anything to take care of yourself? How are you keeping the focus on you?

This is tough stuff - the mind of someone in active addiction is sicker than I ever believed.....when I was dealing with my RAH prior to his recovery I was in active addiction (over him) and it really sucked. I used to be afraid of him using but now I'm afraid that if I falter for even a day that I will fall out of recovery. I can't afford that. I'm so busy working on me that I worry less and less about him.

Don't know if this will help at all but that is how I began to let go...

Hugs - Donna
lightseeker is offline  
Old 10-22-2007, 02:15 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Living in a Pinkful Place
MsPINKAcres's Avatar
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
hate that he is still struggling with his sobriety - that does make it difficult for the relationship.

My e, s, and h - For me, when the addicts/alcoholics in my life are at the worse - I need to be at my best - which means I need to focus on me, by attending meetings (Al-Anon), staying in contact with recovery friends, working the 12 steps, seeking guidance from my HP and reading recovery literature.

Also setting a boundary with my addicts - so often the addicts will want me to base my decisions on their intentions - this is not healthy for me - For me it is better for me to base my decisions on their ACTIONS - that is what will be in my best interest. And recovery tells me, there is nothing wrong with taking care of me.

Wishing you serenity & joy,
MsPINKAcres is offline  
Old 10-22-2007, 02:17 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
'Round and 'Round I Go....
Cupicake's Avatar
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 478
I don't think being supportive or not is the issue here because you want to be supportive of someone's active use? You called it like it does you and him no good to sugar coat the situation. That is a fact...he is still using. I think that you have some good boundaries for yourself and for him. You don't want to touched by his active use one can fault you for that and I don't think even he would. You've made it clear to him that you would be there for him in sobriety and recovery but active use is not working for you.

So often we doubt whether our love for our addicts shows through what we have to do for ourselves to stay sane. Believe me...they see it and they know it but the active user in them wants to make you feel guilty for what you have to do.

It seems to me that you can't be a little bit can't be little bit of a drug addict.
This statement of yours is very true. For addicts it has to be all or nothing. When they are in recovery, they can't have just a little bit of something because it always progresses to much more. That's why they are addicts and not just social drinkers or social users.

He's begging me to understand and be patient.
To me it's like hanging onto a rope in a tug of war. Eventually your hand starts to get rope burn or numb and you have no choice but to let go. We could only hang on for so long.
Cupicake is offline  
Old 10-22-2007, 02:35 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
nytepassion's Avatar
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
Posts: 875
Personally I think you are being wise .. you've clearly drawn a line and set boundaries (I'm sure because he and his addiction and the behavior that comes with it) has given you no other alternative but to do so for your own sake and sanity) He knows what the 'rules' of the game are and he knows what happens if he breaks the rules.

He can talk all he wants about all the changes that he has made, but those changes can't over shadow the fact that he is still drinking and I'm sure if he has been exhibiting 'old patterns' the reason being is because he isn't working on his recovery. Being clean a few months and going back out and using then trying to minimize it by calling it a slip isn't recovery in my book. Was he using, has he been drinking, well he drank last night so I guess that it is safe to assume that he probably has done it prior to last night too .. that would explain the old patterns creeping in.

If he isn't going to meetings and he doesn't stay in close contact with his sponsor well then one would have to wonder just what IS he doing to ensure his recovery. Clearly these signs would indicate that he isn't doing anything and if he isn't doing anything well we all know what happens there ... The addiction is in control

In light of everything you shared .. I wouldn't say you were being unsupportive at all .. I would say you can spot a wolf in sheep's clothing - You're senses are attuned and you smell the rat - I think you are one smart cookie.

You have every right to make choices in your life that are best for you .. You have every right to choice to be around clean and sober people ...

It not your problem if he can't make the mark ...

He told you he drank, but he still wants to see you - (you let him in now .. knowing this it will send a message to his addicted mind that though you say it is unacceptable - you are willing to accept it JUST TO SEE HIM.

Him talking about all the changes he has made over the years in my opinion are like unspoken confessions that he is indeed still using .. they are "yes buts" without him saying the yes .. but look what I did here and what I did there, and but I've done this or that.

He is begging you to understand and be patient - Nope, he is asking you to let him have his cake and eat it too - he's trying to weetle his way back in on his terms. He obviously has forgotten that you've been patient for 3 1/2 years.

(Can't support his recovery if he ain't recovering)

I'd say for your best interest - stay strong and stick to your guns ..

****{Hugs to you}}}

Last edited by nytepassion; 10-22-2007 at 02:51 PM.
nytepassion is offline  
Old 10-22-2007, 04:29 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
marle's Avatar
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
On Oprah they had the professor who is dying of pancreatic cancer. Oprah asked him what he wanted his children to know and when he got to his young daughter he said that the best piece of advice that he has ever heard was when she gets to dating age to forget everything the boy says and just watch what he does. I think that is a great piece of advice when dealing with an addict. You are wise to put up strong boundaries and stick to them. Hugs, Marle
marle is offline  
Old 10-22-2007, 04:50 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
lightquest's Avatar
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Kalamazoo, MI
Posts: 69

Thank you everyone!! I so appreciate your advice and encouragement.

I just got an email from him saying that he wants my daughter (16yrs) and me to move in with him at the start of the next school year! My son is a senior so he knows that I wouldn't consider moving 2 hours away until he graduates.

But really, if I don't want to see him now, what makes him think I would want to plan to move in with him! The truth is, I would LOVE to move in with a sober him. I don't want to be mean or say that I wouldn't ever consider it, but I wouldn't consider it until he was sober a 12 months.
lightquest is offline  
Old 10-22-2007, 04:58 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Jujubee Queen
mooselips's Avatar
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Originally Posted by lightquest View Post
I wouldn't consider it until he was sober a 12 months.
Good thinking.

Just do as you're doing, keeping you and your children first.

mooselips is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:12 AM.