Who Said I was A Slow Learner???
Senior Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Who Said I was A Slow Learner???
Well, let's see, I've been with this great forum now since 2002 right? So, when they say Rome wasn't built in a day, guess they were right 'cause it's been a real up-hill battle for a long, long time.
That said, today I'm going to share with all of you what I have learned.
As you all know, I think, I have not seen or heard from my granddaughter (son's) for the past 11 years. Thanks to her Mother. Every time my son gets out of the slammer, he tries to locate them to no avail.
Well, guess who called me at 12:40 AM?? These kids (19) must share a manuel with a chapter on "best calling times" 'cause this was shades of her father.
Anyway, I told her I was very happy to hear from her; however, because this is my normal sleep time, I would have to call her back in the morning. How's 7:00 AM sound? DUH!! I don't think so.
I called her back and caught up on all the problems. Yep, and the wheel goes round.
She has a baby (which we knew) her boyfriend is in jail for drugs (of course) and domestic violence!! She has been evicted from the apartment they shared (of course) and has no money and no place to live (of course).
She has been out of Mom's since she was 14, as she couldn't follow the rules. Mom isn't talking to her anymore. She had been living with Grandmother, but she got kicked out of there because of one thing or another. Went to the girlfriend's house, but got kicked out because they weren't getting along.
HMMM? She must be a houseguest like her father, and that's bad!
I listened to her sad story (and it is really sad because of baby) and finally she came to the part where they say "could you LEND me 200 dollars?" You could wire it to me today and perhaps my girl friend's dad will let me stay with them. She has 4 children and a husband and all living with dad. Right, what's two more!!
I said, this would not work because how long do you think he will let you stay for $200? What happens when he says I need another 200 for next week, and the next week??
No, that is not a good plan. Here's a good plan. Bite the bullet, apologize to your Mom, and your grandmother and try to get back in their good graces so you will have shelter for your baby and yourself. If that doesn't work, I proceeded to give her numbers of places to go for help. Including shelters. She seemed to be taking them down.
I then said call me as soon as you check with all of these places.
Well, four days went by with no word. On the fifth day she called but I didn't answer the phone. She left a message saying "sorry, but she was very busy and couldn't get back to me sooner."
I waited until the next day to call her back because I didn't want to seem overly anxious. When I heard what she had to say, I was very happy. Happy because I didn't panic and send her money immediately. Happy because I didn't go crazy with worrying. Happy because I really felt like I've learned that they are survivors and bit of "users" too.
She said, she did bite the bullet and called her grandmother who is giving her a second chance. When I asked what her next plan was, she said, I hope to go back to school and get my GED so I can get a job.
Wonderful plan. Please keep in touch as we would love to see you and the baby.
I don't know if she will call me again since I didn't send the money, but oh well, I wouldn't have heard from her again even if I had sent it.
Talked to my son last night about what happened and although he was very unhappy about her situation, he actually agreed that sending the money wouldn't have worked.
Anyway, had to share that with you because I flat refuse to go through all this nonsense a second time in my life! I'm flat done with feeling sorry for these kids that screw up their lives. I did tell her that she had to start thinking of her child now because it wasn't fair to her to live in the streets! She said the boy's mother is trying to take her away. I told her she had to think what would be best for the child and if it meant a stable home vs the streets, I would choose the stable home.
Aren't you glad that was so short??
Hugs, Devastated
That said, today I'm going to share with all of you what I have learned.
As you all know, I think, I have not seen or heard from my granddaughter (son's) for the past 11 years. Thanks to her Mother. Every time my son gets out of the slammer, he tries to locate them to no avail.
Well, guess who called me at 12:40 AM?? These kids (19) must share a manuel with a chapter on "best calling times" 'cause this was shades of her father.
Anyway, I told her I was very happy to hear from her; however, because this is my normal sleep time, I would have to call her back in the morning. How's 7:00 AM sound? DUH!! I don't think so.
I called her back and caught up on all the problems. Yep, and the wheel goes round.
She has a baby (which we knew) her boyfriend is in jail for drugs (of course) and domestic violence!! She has been evicted from the apartment they shared (of course) and has no money and no place to live (of course).
She has been out of Mom's since she was 14, as she couldn't follow the rules. Mom isn't talking to her anymore. She had been living with Grandmother, but she got kicked out of there because of one thing or another. Went to the girlfriend's house, but got kicked out because they weren't getting along.
HMMM? She must be a houseguest like her father, and that's bad!
I listened to her sad story (and it is really sad because of baby) and finally she came to the part where they say "could you LEND me 200 dollars?" You could wire it to me today and perhaps my girl friend's dad will let me stay with them. She has 4 children and a husband and all living with dad. Right, what's two more!!
I said, this would not work because how long do you think he will let you stay for $200? What happens when he says I need another 200 for next week, and the next week??
No, that is not a good plan. Here's a good plan. Bite the bullet, apologize to your Mom, and your grandmother and try to get back in their good graces so you will have shelter for your baby and yourself. If that doesn't work, I proceeded to give her numbers of places to go for help. Including shelters. She seemed to be taking them down.
I then said call me as soon as you check with all of these places.
Well, four days went by with no word. On the fifth day she called but I didn't answer the phone. She left a message saying "sorry, but she was very busy and couldn't get back to me sooner."
I waited until the next day to call her back because I didn't want to seem overly anxious. When I heard what she had to say, I was very happy. Happy because I didn't panic and send her money immediately. Happy because I didn't go crazy with worrying. Happy because I really felt like I've learned that they are survivors and bit of "users" too.
She said, she did bite the bullet and called her grandmother who is giving her a second chance. When I asked what her next plan was, she said, I hope to go back to school and get my GED so I can get a job.
Wonderful plan. Please keep in touch as we would love to see you and the baby.
I don't know if she will call me again since I didn't send the money, but oh well, I wouldn't have heard from her again even if I had sent it.
Talked to my son last night about what happened and although he was very unhappy about her situation, he actually agreed that sending the money wouldn't have worked.
Anyway, had to share that with you because I flat refuse to go through all this nonsense a second time in my life! I'm flat done with feeling sorry for these kids that screw up their lives. I did tell her that she had to start thinking of her child now because it wasn't fair to her to live in the streets! She said the boy's mother is trying to take her away. I told her she had to think what would be best for the child and if it meant a stable home vs the streets, I would choose the stable home.
Aren't you glad that was so short??
Hugs, Devastated
To Life!
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,293
Oh, ((((Dev)))))
Thank you for that lesson....
I really needed to hear it. Looks like Trevor has one in the oven, and I'm a wreck over all the issues involved. She has two others already she can't afford... *sigh*
I'm so happy for you. Recovery is sure looking good on ya, gal!
Shalom!
Keep us posted...
Thank you for that lesson....
I really needed to hear it. Looks like Trevor has one in the oven, and I'm a wreck over all the issues involved. She has two others already she can't afford... *sigh*
I'm so happy for you. Recovery is sure looking good on ya, gal!
Shalom!
Keep us posted...
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Doggone it Moose, you beat me to it!
Dev, it's good to hear from you as always... sorry about the circumstances. Sometimes I think our HP sends us someone special delivery just to give us another chance to practice our recovery and use our tools.
Your recovery is showing BIG time. And I say what moosie said - you're my hero today.
Hugs
Cats
You're my hero today.
Hugs, and high thread count....
Hugs, and high thread count....
Your recovery is showing BIG time. And I say what moosie said - you're my hero today.
Hugs
Cats
Senior Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Forgot to Mention
When I spoke to my son, he said he's been so worried about her. I don't know if you remember, but she had written a couple of letters to him before all this stuff happened to her.
All of a sudden the letters stopped and son was beside himself with worry for her. Then I wrote and told him what was going on and, when he called me last night, he said "it was almost better for me when I didn't know what was going on with her, as now I'm beside myself with worry!"
I said, I'm sorry, I know exactly what you are feeling! Life has such a funny sense of humor huh? He said, "I don't think it's funny at all. It's nothing but worry!"
I said, "WELCOME TO MY WORLD!"
Hugs, Devastated
All of a sudden the letters stopped and son was beside himself with worry for her. Then I wrote and told him what was going on and, when he called me last night, he said "it was almost better for me when I didn't know what was going on with her, as now I'm beside myself with worry!"
I said, I'm sorry, I know exactly what you are feeling! Life has such a funny sense of humor huh? He said, "I don't think it's funny at all. It's nothing but worry!"
I said, "WELCOME TO MY WORLD!"
Hugs, Devastated
Senior Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Thanks
I,too, hope I will hear from her once she is on her feet. I may never hear from her again, but today I can accept whatever comes my way. Today I learned, life is short, and I'm tired of wasting time crying!
Hugs, Devastated
Hugs, Devastated
Hugs, Marle
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Ahhh, Dev, that was amazing the way you handled it all. Yup, you've come a long way baby. And the nice thing is, I think this came natural to you now, I doubt that it was a struggle to do the right thing.
My prayers go out for this girl and her baby, that she learns from her Grandma Dev and takes responsibility for her life.
Oh...and just for fun, at Christmas I hope you will send her some nice sheets....thread count of 400 or more
(I'm sorry but I will never stop smiling when I think of sheets and thread counts and your son).
Big Hugs and Lotsa Love
My prayers go out for this girl and her baby, that she learns from her Grandma Dev and takes responsibility for her life.
Oh...and just for fun, at Christmas I hope you will send her some nice sheets....thread count of 400 or more
(I'm sorry but I will never stop smiling when I think of sheets and thread counts and your son).Big Hugs and Lotsa Love
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: GO PENS
Posts: 1,151
Wow!! I'm really impressed with the way you handled yourself. I honestly don't think I could have done that. I am such a whimp....You would think with all I have been through that I would do just what you did. But I am being honest, I don't think I could have. I hope one of these days I get it. I know I am better, not perfect, just better.
I'm proud of you....I hope you get to see your great grandchild soon.
Lo
I'm proud of you....I hope you get to see your great grandchild soon.
Lo
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Awesome Dev....
Your recovery is shineing
I wonder what thread count your son has now?
I too remember his request.
Perhaps he can go visit his daughter and baby
since he is worried.
Prayers continue
Your recovery is shineing
I wonder what thread count your son has now?
I too remember his request.
Perhaps he can go visit his daughter and baby
since he is worried.
Prayers continue
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Originally Posted by devastated 
When I spoke to my son, he said he's been so worried about her. I don't know if you remember, but she had written a couple of letters to him before all this stuff happened to her.
All of a sudden the letters stopped and son was beside himself with worry for her. Then I wrote and told him what was going on and, when he called me last night, he said "it was almost better for me when I didn't know what was going on with her, as now I'm beside myself with worry!"
I said, I'm sorry, I know exactly what you are feeling! Life has such a funny sense of humor huh? He said, "I don't think it's funny at all. It's nothing but worry!"
I said, "WELCOME TO MY WORLD!"
Hugs, Devastated
All of a sudden the letters stopped and son was beside himself with worry for her. Then I wrote and told him what was going on and, when he called me last night, he said "it was almost better for me when I didn't know what was going on with her, as now I'm beside myself with worry!"
I said, I'm sorry, I know exactly what you are feeling! Life has such a funny sense of humor huh? He said, "I don't think it's funny at all. It's nothing but worry!"
I said, "WELCOME TO MY WORLD!"
Hugs, Devastated
1. Incredible, incredible job, Dev. I am as impressed as all get out at your ability to turn to the ideas of 12-step and apply them so well!!! Excellent!!
2. This may be what it takes for your son to get some perspective on his own using. When he can stop being "the kid" and start living in the shoes of an adult.
3. So many are affected by this, it sure feels like the hand of HP is in this.
My prayers for all of you. And thank you so much for posting this.
((((LovingHugs)))))
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
Your post made me smile.
Live with your consequences is written all over it. too bad about the baby in the middle, but you know nothing is simple and these kids make a mess of their own lives.
((((Dev))))
Live with your consequences is written all over it. too bad about the baby in the middle, but you know nothing is simple and these kids make a mess of their own lives.
((((Dev))))
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: timberlake nc
Posts: 13
thanks
I just had to thank everyone replying to this post. I am so excited by it! I hope some day to be as strong and as sure of myself as you are...........no pressure here (lol)......... to me your post represents such great healthiness! how wonderful to have such peace in what could be a hurricane...you chose peace, and you knew you deserved it!
Mary
Mary
Senior Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Hi Guys
It sure is funny how everything comes around isn't it?
I was such a chocolate mess in 2002 and not much better in 2006; however, in 2007, I finally have caught on. I know now that had I enabled the granddaughter, just as I enabled her father, she would continue to spiral downhill.
I don't know what she will finally do, but I pray for her and her child that she will do the right thing.
You all know if I had given in to her requests I would be just repeating my co-dependant behavior all over again. This I flat refuse to do. I flat refuse to spend my last few years worrying about "what if?" I know now that what will be will be.
I hope by playing hardball with her she learns she cannot get away with the old "con" game. I hope she learns that the only way to survive is to get a job and live a legitimate life.
My son is very concerned that she is doing drugs!!! Yep, pay-back's a bitch!
My response to that statement was, "I know how worried you must be. I've been there myself a time or two!"
About the thread count~ how funny was that?? He must have gotten use to lousy sheets because he never mentions thread count anymore. LOL
Ahhh, the good life!
Right Cats, It is in the genes for sure! You know what they say about the apple not falling far from the tree right?
Lobo, you could do it too if you spent your entire life running, jumping, giving, crying, praying, calling the warden!! LOL
Besides, Ann promised me a long time ago that things would get better! She was right. I want everyone to hang in there; don't despair, it does get easier to say no!
Hugs, Devastated
I was such a chocolate mess in 2002 and not much better in 2006; however, in 2007, I finally have caught on. I know now that had I enabled the granddaughter, just as I enabled her father, she would continue to spiral downhill.
I don't know what she will finally do, but I pray for her and her child that she will do the right thing.
You all know if I had given in to her requests I would be just repeating my co-dependant behavior all over again. This I flat refuse to do. I flat refuse to spend my last few years worrying about "what if?" I know now that what will be will be.
I hope by playing hardball with her she learns she cannot get away with the old "con" game. I hope she learns that the only way to survive is to get a job and live a legitimate life.
My son is very concerned that she is doing drugs!!! Yep, pay-back's a bitch!
My response to that statement was, "I know how worried you must be. I've been there myself a time or two!"
About the thread count~ how funny was that?? He must have gotten use to lousy sheets because he never mentions thread count anymore. LOL
Ahhh, the good life!
Right Cats, It is in the genes for sure! You know what they say about the apple not falling far from the tree right?
Lobo, you could do it too if you spent your entire life running, jumping, giving, crying, praying, calling the warden!! LOL
Besides, Ann promised me a long time ago that things would get better! She was right. I want everyone to hang in there; don't despair, it does get easier to say no!
Hugs, Devastated
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