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Wow! I'm learning boundaries and detaching!!!

Old 10-21-2007, 01:07 PM
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Wow! I'm learning boundaries and detaching!!!

It's such a good feeling when you realize you are finally, at last, getting it!
The kids went for their weekly visit with XAH today. This has been getting easier for me, as I've been working hard at not worrying about what I can't control, trusting my HP, and trusting that my kids (13 and 15) will make good choices with dad.
My daughter has been telling me how dad's language has been getting more and more foul around the kids (this was always a big no-no with both XAH and I back in the days before he imploded). Today she added that after he dropped the F bomb, he told the kids not to tell me. (He's chronologically 48. Mentally/emotionally? You tell me.) She also saw that he had a cooler with beer in it in the trunk, no doubt to "enjoy" after he dropped the kids back home. (He also made a comment to the kids that I was crazy because he isn't a "drunk". Hmmm. Guess I didn't know it was common practice to drive around with a cooler of beer??LOL)
XAH has also been pressuring my son to "practice" driving XAH's girlfriend's car. I have told the kids that I can't control what they do with dad, but that it is illegal for my son to drive at 15 (He can't get a permit til he's 15 and 9 mos), and if he is caught, especially driving a stranger"s car with in all likelihood, beer and pot in the car, the kids will go to DSS custody til things get sorted out. My son has caved to the pressure before, but today he said no, despite XAH's insistence.
Well, the old me, codie, controlling, angry, would have gotten on the phone, ripped X's head off, and generally worked myself into a lather.
Today was a new, wonderful experience! I decided I needed to address these issues in order to establish clear boundaries, not to punish X. I also decided doing so in an angry manner would fuel his "you're the one who's crazy" fire.
So iI called, and got his voice mail. I calmly said I was calling to ask him for a couple of things that were in the kid's best interest. I asked that he maintain the role of dad and not buddy, as the kids needed a dad. I asked that, in spite of his lifestyle changes, he be consistent in refraining from using offensive language in front of the kids. I also asked, politely, that he not instruct the kid's to keep things from me, as it undermined my authority. Then I reminded him that it was illegal for our son to drive, and that, should he be caught and alcohol and/or illegal substances be found in the vehicle, the children would be placed in DSS custody until the matter was resolved. Finally, I very nicely asked that he not encourage the children to knowingly break the law, as it was not in their best interest.
Then, I just thanked him for listening, and said a nice, bright, "goodbye".
YEEEHAAAWW! It feels so good to be able to say it, be firm, and not be angry. It's such a major step for me!
I know eventually he'll get the message and I may hear reprocussions, but ...so be it.
I am free to set my own boundaries!!!!
guineapigjude is offline  
Old 10-21-2007, 03:09 PM
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Location: Omak WA
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My ex started calling my home weekly from back East. I finally figured out he was trying to find out what all we did every week?????? I used to let him walk all over me and avoid him when I knew he might hit me when we were married.

One week when he called I had it planned out what I was going to say and did it. I calmly told him that how we lived and what we did was none of his business. I also told him that he was finally going to come up on the Support Enforcement Computer automatically if he hasn't sent the child support by the 15th of each month. Their decision, not mine.

I can imagine the look on his face....I calmly hung up and he quit calling every week.

kelsh
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