enabling my parents?
 

hi guys! So i need to just vent... I am 24, married 4 years and moved out into my own house, I doing good...the problem is my mom and my stepdad have a huge addiction problem, they have as long as ive known them all 24 years of my life. I knew about a terrible alcohol addiction that i can remeber goes Way back, I thought until just recently that was all there problems, until a few weeks ago where my stepfather had a breakdown and told my sister about thier crack/cocaine/heroine/meth addiction. I guess i was all blind to all this. I am so terribly dissapointed and confused about how they hid this terrible problem, and I am so Outraged because I have been enabling them for so long.

I moved in with my mom 2 years ago to help her, paid her 800 a month, about 6 months ago she lost the house, and hadnt been giving the landlord the rent money, behind my back, i feel so used. I have two younger brothers and sisters that still live with them they are 14 and 11. My parents are now homeless living at a homeless shelter. She gets welfare and a disability check, this month like all months she called me up broke on the 12th of the month. She has NO bills, and blew threw almost 800 in a week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She asked to borrow money, this time I told her no. It is Killing me. I always let her borrow money but Ive had it, I cant be apart of them anymore. I love my mother to death, but she is killing herself and doesnt admit she has a problem AT ALL... I usually wind up giving in because i dont want to see my brother and sister suffer, but how do i know that she isnt using the money for drugs/ alcohol... last night she called me at 9pm for $30... was this a "we need food call" or "i really need a fix" call. Im at a loss... anyone else in a similar situation where you have been enabling your Parents - of all people? its tearing my insides apart because i feel so guilty for not giving her any money. anyone any words ?? Id apreciate anything you have to offer or say.. - ARL

Welcome to SoberRecovery. I am so sorry about your circumstance, it must be awful to have grown up in this and to go through what you are going through now.

Although you cannot change your parents, you can find help for yourself, to work through your issues of growing up in this environment and also your issues of living with it today, even from a separate residence.

Alanon, Naranon and CoDA are 3 very good and similar programs that help us deal with having a loved one addicted and learning to keep our balance in the process. Also ACOA is a wonderful group that helps people who grew up with addiction in their home.
If you can, please give these a try, I promise you that they will help you.

And stick around, take a read of the "sticky" posts at the top of this forum, and know that you are among friends here who understand and care.

Also, my thoughts and prayers go out for your siblings. This is a terrible way for them to live and dangerous too. It may be wise to talk to someone about having them removed from this environment, there are many safe places they can go where they won't have to be subject to the dangers and abuse that go with addiction.

Again, I am glad you joined us. Please know that we are here for you and we care.

Hugs

nice to meet you, arl.

my daughter is an alcoholic/addict and i sure understand that fine line between enabling and helping.

ann is right - you may benefit from finding a support group in your community. alanon, and private counseling really help me.

please keep posting and reaching out - you're not alone in your struggles.

blessings, k

Hi. I am here because my mother is an addict. You are not alone. I finally had to separate myself completely from my mother. My grandfather took care of her, and after his death she tried to drag me into the life of her addiction.

After her third overdose I made sure she was removed from the house due to injuries she suffered, and then let go. It was very hard, I think we have feelings of guilt because we are brought up by society to take care of our parents since they took care of us. I finally realized that taking care of her is different than taking care of her addiction, and that right now she is consumed in that addiction. If she ever gets clean, I will re-evaluate my relationship with her.

Hi, mother of 23yo AD. It is hard, but I think you are doing the right thing. I was told as long as they have a soft place to land, they won't tire of the lifestyle. Sorry you are going through this...you are a child and shouldn't have to see and live w/ this!
prayers for you and your family, come back, more w/ experience will follow.
susan:ghug2

i am glad you found us but sorry for your problem.welcome to s.r. you did the right thing by not giving your mom money. as long as we enable them & keep picking them up they will never fall hard enough to get up by themselves. i am sorry for your siblings.i would try to have them removed.they do not need to live like that,they deserve more. read around.read "what addicts do",go to some meetings.keep coming back & let us know how things are.prayers for you & your family.

I can imagine what you're going through. I went through it with a sister 10 years younger than me. I left home at 17 desperate to get out of it. My sister NEVER forgave me for leaving. This was 35 years ago!
If there's any way you can get the kids on the weekends to get them out of that mess for a rest from it, it would help them.
Also, if there's no food, there are food banks everywhere. Never give an addict money. Give them food or cloths you purchase.
I am so sorry you have to go through this. I know how heartbreaking it is.
Keep coming back and posting. It helps and it enlightens.