Don't know how to start down this road
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 6
Don't know how to start down this road
Hello everyone,
I do better via e-mail than I do talking to people face-to-face so I am hoping that by reaching out here, attending Naranon meetings that I will find the support, suggestions and help that I am looking for.
My husband is an addict - opiates. We've been married for 23 months and I was told about his addiction 8 months after we were married. 6 months later he relapsed. 3 months after that he relapsed again and that relapse lasted until September 2007. He was clean for 31 days before he had another set back that lasted 1 day but took him 4 days to tell me, his sponsor, his NA groups and his counselor at his IOP program that he attends.
I just don't know what to do about anything anymore. I am beating myself up for not opening my eyes to the situation before we got married; for not doing more after I was finally told about it last July; for not paying more attention to the signs that I saw from April to September. I don't have hope, faith, belief in myself, in him, in recovery or in our marriage right now.
I have admitted to myself that I am powerless over him and his addiction and I do know that he needs to this for himself and for no one else. I know I am codependent and that I enable and I don't know how to stop. I am so afraid that I only know the addict and that is who I fell in love with and I am worried about the person he will become when he is on the road to recovery.
I don't know what the right thing is to do - if i ask too many questions to try to understand this he gets frustrated in trying to explain it to me and i feel that by asking questions or talking about this it is making the thoughts of using stay in the forefront of his brain and could lead him to use again; if i don't ask questions i feel like i am showing that i don't care; how to i find a good medium to keep the lines of communication open during this but to know when to take a step back from it all?
There have been plenty of days in the past 15 months where I do feel like giving up, that there is no hope, that our marriage can't be saved, that he will never recover, that I will never recover and I want to get beyond those thoughts.
I know that I didn't cause his addiction - his father was an alcoholic (recovering for 35 years until he passed away at the end of march) - and that I am not to blame for anything or to feel responsible for him and his actions but it is so hard to stop those thoughts.
I know that by attending the Naranon meetings and the family group that I attend that I will be able to learn from the people there but I don't know what to do in the meantime until I do learn from them, hear their stories and how they handled the situations that happened in their lives with their addict.
I've rambled on long enough
Thank you for listening.
I do better via e-mail than I do talking to people face-to-face so I am hoping that by reaching out here, attending Naranon meetings that I will find the support, suggestions and help that I am looking for.
My husband is an addict - opiates. We've been married for 23 months and I was told about his addiction 8 months after we were married. 6 months later he relapsed. 3 months after that he relapsed again and that relapse lasted until September 2007. He was clean for 31 days before he had another set back that lasted 1 day but took him 4 days to tell me, his sponsor, his NA groups and his counselor at his IOP program that he attends.
I just don't know what to do about anything anymore. I am beating myself up for not opening my eyes to the situation before we got married; for not doing more after I was finally told about it last July; for not paying more attention to the signs that I saw from April to September. I don't have hope, faith, belief in myself, in him, in recovery or in our marriage right now.
I have admitted to myself that I am powerless over him and his addiction and I do know that he needs to this for himself and for no one else. I know I am codependent and that I enable and I don't know how to stop. I am so afraid that I only know the addict and that is who I fell in love with and I am worried about the person he will become when he is on the road to recovery.
I don't know what the right thing is to do - if i ask too many questions to try to understand this he gets frustrated in trying to explain it to me and i feel that by asking questions or talking about this it is making the thoughts of using stay in the forefront of his brain and could lead him to use again; if i don't ask questions i feel like i am showing that i don't care; how to i find a good medium to keep the lines of communication open during this but to know when to take a step back from it all?
There have been plenty of days in the past 15 months where I do feel like giving up, that there is no hope, that our marriage can't be saved, that he will never recover, that I will never recover and I want to get beyond those thoughts.
I know that I didn't cause his addiction - his father was an alcoholic (recovering for 35 years until he passed away at the end of march) - and that I am not to blame for anything or to feel responsible for him and his actions but it is so hard to stop those thoughts.
I know that by attending the Naranon meetings and the family group that I attend that I will be able to learn from the people there but I don't know what to do in the meantime until I do learn from them, hear their stories and how they handled the situations that happened in their lives with their addict.
I've rambled on long enough
Thank you for listening.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
((((((doodlemcg))))))
Hugs to you and welcome to Sober Recovery. I think if I could tell you one thing to do it would be: to keep the focus on yourself. I know it is hard to stop trying to make things work for him and it is hard not to worry about what he is doing.
You can control yourself and what you do. What ought you do? Do what is best for you find something that you like and put all the energy that you put into worry about him into it. You might want to go to college, get involved in a sport or, take up a new hobby. The less you worry about him and his drug problem the more likely he will decide to do something about it because you are no longer trying to do the work for him. Give the problem back to him and get into yourself.
Do it while you still have the strength before his addiction takes your life from you. Prayers going out for you and him..
Hugs to you and welcome to Sober Recovery. I think if I could tell you one thing to do it would be: to keep the focus on yourself. I know it is hard to stop trying to make things work for him and it is hard not to worry about what he is doing.
You can control yourself and what you do. What ought you do? Do what is best for you find something that you like and put all the energy that you put into worry about him into it. You might want to go to college, get involved in a sport or, take up a new hobby. The less you worry about him and his drug problem the more likely he will decide to do something about it because you are no longer trying to do the work for him. Give the problem back to him and get into yourself.
Do it while you still have the strength before his addiction takes your life from you. Prayers going out for you and him..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 6
Splendra,
thank you for that! I am trying my hardest to put the focus back onto me - that is what my family and friends the books i've read and those in naranon say i should do. it is easier said than done though. i do have a certification for what i do at my job that i want to get and it will take my focus to do it (reading about taxes, wage laws, etc) and i keep telling myself to start to pick up the books and do it....and i need to start exercising again....
having a support network is what i need the most. my family and friends are great people but they are too close to the situation. i need objective points of view to help guide me down the new paths that i want to travel down.
i am trying to read the threads that are out there to see if anything jumps out at me. i did print out quite a bit of the stuff on the stickys.
thank you for your prayers and most importantly for the hugs!!! those i desperately need!!!
thank you again
thank you for that! I am trying my hardest to put the focus back onto me - that is what my family and friends the books i've read and those in naranon say i should do. it is easier said than done though. i do have a certification for what i do at my job that i want to get and it will take my focus to do it (reading about taxes, wage laws, etc) and i keep telling myself to start to pick up the books and do it....and i need to start exercising again....
having a support network is what i need the most. my family and friends are great people but they are too close to the situation. i need objective points of view to help guide me down the new paths that i want to travel down.
i am trying to read the threads that are out there to see if anything jumps out at me. i did print out quite a bit of the stuff on the stickys.
thank you for your prayers and most importantly for the hugs!!! those i desperately need!!!
thank you again
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome, Doodle. Recovery doesn't come overnight...but it DOES come. You are doing very well and already have yourself on a good path.
It will take time for you to heal and find your balance, but every day it will get a little bit better until one day you will wake up and notice that the sun is shining and all is well in the world.
So take a welcome hug from me and make yourself comfortable, you are among friends here who will walk with you all the way.
It will take time for you to heal and find your balance, but every day it will get a little bit better until one day you will wake up and notice that the sun is shining and all is well in the world.
So take a welcome hug from me and make yourself comfortable, you are among friends here who will walk with you all the way.
Last edited by Ann; 02-08-2018 at 10:20 AM.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 6
Thank you all for your hugs and support and the great words that you have given me. I am trying to let them sink into my head so my thoughts will start to pull from there instead of from my worry and, frankly, obsession with my addict.
I look forward to continuing to learn from and reach out to all of you out there. The one thing that I do know this time is that I need support for me; that all the support can not be for him.
I am going to try to finally share at the Naranon group I attend tonight. Wish me luck because it is not easy for me to share out loud to people that i still don't know yet - i get a very bad case of nerves and a very, very red face!!!! (something about people staring at me does that too me!)
Gotta run!
Thank you all again and please keep the words of encouragement coming...you do not know (well actually you all do know!) how much that means to me to finally find encouragement and support through this and to "hear" the encouragement that all is not lost for me.
Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!
I am sure my story will continue.....
I look forward to continuing to learn from and reach out to all of you out there. The one thing that I do know this time is that I need support for me; that all the support can not be for him.
I am going to try to finally share at the Naranon group I attend tonight. Wish me luck because it is not easy for me to share out loud to people that i still don't know yet - i get a very bad case of nerves and a very, very red face!!!! (something about people staring at me does that too me!)
Gotta run!
Thank you all again and please keep the words of encouragement coming...you do not know (well actually you all do know!) how much that means to me to finally find encouragement and support through this and to "hear" the encouragement that all is not lost for me.
Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!
I am sure my story will continue.....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
welcome doodle, glad you found us." it is hands off the addict." you did not Cause it,
you can not Control it & you can not Cure it. come here,read around & learn to take care of you. prayer for you both.
you can not Control it & you can not Cure it. come here,read around & learn to take care of you. prayer for you both.
A work in progress....
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: FREE!!!! Somewhere in the Tennessee Mountains
Posts: 1,018
Welcome doodle! This is a great place to come for support and friendship, not to mention the wealth of experience, strength, and hope that is offered up daily. Simply knowing that you are not alone and that others understand what you are going through is huge. Take care of yourself!!
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Hi Doodle...You are truly on the right path...Please try not to beat yourself up. I sense you want this to happen overnight and that the more you read the faster it can happen. I was like that too early in my recovery...I wanted it so bad. It took awhile to realize that I had to take baby steps...that old habits take awhile to let go. I still do things I would like not to do...but at least now I can recognize them and adjust more quickly.
What helped me was to put myself in the shoes of the addict....to consider something that I do that someone would like me to change. For example, recovering from codependency...If my loved one was in my face all the time saying did you do this, did you call your sponsor...are you going to a meeting; what did you learn at the meeting, etc. I woud be filled with resentment and pull away from that person. I would not want to share because I would feel that the person was judging my actions and deciding whether they were good enough. That helped me to stop trying to control my daughter's recovery and give her the room she needed to grow and feel a sense of accomplishment on her own. If she wanted to talk about recovery, she would bring it up. I learned too to make my responses supportive (Comments like it sounds like you got a lot out of that, or I understand the struggle, or that must really stink, rather than things like if I were you I would...) In time, this way of acting became second nature and my relationship with my daughter grew even closer.
I think that is one of the reasons the first suggestion is always to focus on ourselves. If we work hard to do that, we stop trying to control others (because we aren't focused on them) and we can begin to heal. Hugs
if i don't ask questions i feel like i am showing that i don't care; how to i find a good medium to keep the lines of communication open during this but to know when to take a step back from it all?
I think that is one of the reasons the first suggestion is always to focus on ourselves. If we work hard to do that, we stop trying to control others (because we aren't focused on them) and we can begin to heal. Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 6
Hi everyone -
Thanks for all the hugs that you have given me over the past couple of days.
Greeteachday - thank you so much for your post. You are right - I do want this to happen overnight but I have finally come to the reality that this won't happen overnight. That this will be a lifelong thing in our lives to deal with on a daily basis. I do find myself still asking how his meetings went, what happened in them, did he call his sponsor, etc so seeing how you applied your actions to those questions are giving me some ideas on how to best handle everything.
After I posted on here on 10/18 and seeing the replies I was getting I felt so much better about myself. I needed to say "aloud" how I felt and to know that there is so much support out there for all of us going through this is such a blessing.
I had said that when I went to my Naranon meeting that night that I was going to finally try to tell my story about what was going on - and I did it! That was such a huge step for me to finally be able to open up to those who are in that group. It was the end of the meeting and I guess a couple of the women in there sensed that I wanted to finally talk. I told the lady who was running the group that night that I had found this website and posted on here and that gave me a lot of courage to finally tell my story and I came to the realization that if I didn't tell those that are in that Naranon group why I was there than how could I expect them to be able to support, guide and help me through this. How could I relate to any of their experiences if they didn't know my experience.
My husband and I are seeing a marriage counselor as well and when we went there on Friday and he asked how I handled the "set back" I had said that I've come to realize that I can't control him and his actions any longer, that at the end of the day his lying will hurt him more than it will hurt me because I will come through this stronger than I was before, that the decision is his to make - choose the path of active drug addiction which could lead to jail or death or choose to have a future free of drug use and become a stronger, better person every day. I told him that I am choosing to have a future free of drug use and that I can only hope that he will join me down that path. Our counselor said he didn't know who said what to me, what I heard or what it was but that I have obviously decided what I want and that was a huge step for me to make because in all our previous sessions I never said what I want. That is so huge for me to finally say what I want and not what I want for him.
I am trying to tell myself that everyday is a new day for me to make small steps in the right direction of where I want my future to go and that I have to lean on others for support throughout this.
I am so grateful that I found this website and such a wonderful support network. Someone said to me the other day that the small steps I will make will lead to slightly bigger steps the next day and that everyday clean for my husband is a slightly bigger step for him the next day to stay clean - I am trying to remember that.
I know it will be hard for me to not ask questions about what is going on, what he's doing, etc because I am one of those types of people (even before all of this happened) that needed to know everything - talk about having to change what is comfortable into uncomfortable.
Gotta get back to work.
Thank you again and for all the hugs. I am sending some back to all of you!:ghug2
Thanks for all the hugs that you have given me over the past couple of days.
Greeteachday - thank you so much for your post. You are right - I do want this to happen overnight but I have finally come to the reality that this won't happen overnight. That this will be a lifelong thing in our lives to deal with on a daily basis. I do find myself still asking how his meetings went, what happened in them, did he call his sponsor, etc so seeing how you applied your actions to those questions are giving me some ideas on how to best handle everything.
After I posted on here on 10/18 and seeing the replies I was getting I felt so much better about myself. I needed to say "aloud" how I felt and to know that there is so much support out there for all of us going through this is such a blessing.
I had said that when I went to my Naranon meeting that night that I was going to finally try to tell my story about what was going on - and I did it! That was such a huge step for me to finally be able to open up to those who are in that group. It was the end of the meeting and I guess a couple of the women in there sensed that I wanted to finally talk. I told the lady who was running the group that night that I had found this website and posted on here and that gave me a lot of courage to finally tell my story and I came to the realization that if I didn't tell those that are in that Naranon group why I was there than how could I expect them to be able to support, guide and help me through this. How could I relate to any of their experiences if they didn't know my experience.
My husband and I are seeing a marriage counselor as well and when we went there on Friday and he asked how I handled the "set back" I had said that I've come to realize that I can't control him and his actions any longer, that at the end of the day his lying will hurt him more than it will hurt me because I will come through this stronger than I was before, that the decision is his to make - choose the path of active drug addiction which could lead to jail or death or choose to have a future free of drug use and become a stronger, better person every day. I told him that I am choosing to have a future free of drug use and that I can only hope that he will join me down that path. Our counselor said he didn't know who said what to me, what I heard or what it was but that I have obviously decided what I want and that was a huge step for me to make because in all our previous sessions I never said what I want. That is so huge for me to finally say what I want and not what I want for him.
I am trying to tell myself that everyday is a new day for me to make small steps in the right direction of where I want my future to go and that I have to lean on others for support throughout this.
I am so grateful that I found this website and such a wonderful support network. Someone said to me the other day that the small steps I will make will lead to slightly bigger steps the next day and that everyday clean for my husband is a slightly bigger step for him the next day to stay clean - I am trying to remember that.
I know it will be hard for me to not ask questions about what is going on, what he's doing, etc because I am one of those types of people (even before all of this happened) that needed to know everything - talk about having to change what is comfortable into uncomfortable.
Gotta get back to work.
Thank you again and for all the hugs. I am sending some back to all of you!:ghug2
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