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How things fall apart overnight

Old 10-18-2007, 09:16 AM
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How things fall apart overnight

As you all know my daughter has been doing very well lately. Well last night she had a date with a guy that she just met and really doesn't know. I was nervous about it but had to let it and her go. Funny thing the way she met him......she was out with me. We were out having dinner and she went outside to smoke because the resturant is non-smoking. Sitting outside on a park bench this cute guy came over to her and they began talking. One thing lead to another and when she came back to the table she told me she just met a really hot guy and he asked for her phone no. Well, you know she doesn't have a phone.......she gave him my cell no. I didn't know what to say, but I realize that she is a young pretty girl and that is how you meet people. To make a long story short they had a date last night. I was nervous all evening. I did meet him, he came to my house. I know where he works, where he lives. (very close to us). Seems like a good guy, but I basically trust no one anymore. Now keep in mind he doesn't know her or anything about her either.

Well, around 12:30 last night I get a call from him. He said he thought I would be worried about her so he took it upon himself to call me. He said I know you don't know me and I thought I'd better call you because I know if it was my mom she would feel the same way. Turns out my daughter had too much to drink and he said he was worried and didn't know what to do. He told me they went out to eat and she didn't eat much and he encouraged her to eat. Her stomach was pretty empty because she didn't eat before she left. I told him she was on medication and she shouldn't have been drinking at all. He said he was sorry that he didn't know because he doesn't know her. Well, apparently she got buzzed very quickly. First of all she is not used to drinking and second of all she is taking medication.....a very bad combination. So here she is drunk and I am furious and worried all at the same time. They are at his house at this point and he can't get her to go home. She knew she was in hot water or did she even care since she was drunk.

He asked me what I wanted to do. He said he would do whatever I wanted. He would give me his address and I could come there or he would try to get her in the car and bring her home, or he would cover her up and let her sleep it off and bring her home today. He said she is in a safe place and I could come to his home anytime. He said he was worried about her and he was making sure she was okay.

I didn't even want to deal with her, I was so upset. Since I knew where she was and he was kind enough to call me, I told him to let her sleep it off and bring her home today. I hope I did the right thing. I just couldn't deal with her last night.

Just when things were going so well with us everything fell apart overnight. I am not used to her drinking. Is she now substituting one drug for another? I am really dissapointed. Was this just a one night thing? How do I handle this when she comes home? I bet she feels like crap today and she didn't come home yet, so I don't know. He told me he has to work today at 3 o'clock and he will make sure she gets home before that. He assured me that she was fine but he just wanted me to know because he knows how his mom is and he is 28.

I'm sitting here with an upset stomach......can't eat, have a headache. So I am just a mess. I have been keeping my expectations low because I know things can change overnight but it is still affecting me.
So you know the story, friends. I need you.

Lo
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Old 10-18-2007, 09:26 AM
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((((Lobo))))

She has had a slip. You wanted to control what you cannot.

You know where she is and that she is safe.

Now, moving forward.......
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Old 10-18-2007, 09:36 AM
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It may not be anything. Let her decide what it is. Although it's common for people to switch drugs, not everyone does.
Also most people don't realize what alcohol and meds do to each other. They are a powerful mix that you sometimes have to find out on your own.
Odds are she is going to be humiltiated already.
This might not be everything falling apart overnight.
The one thing I DO know is that YOU don't have to fall apart. This is her stuff, stuff she has to go through and learn to deal with, she's still going to make mistakes but that doesn't mean it's back to where it was.

Just let her be where she needs to be and do what she needs to do.
But don't let where she is dictate where you are.

And go have a beautiful day, draw from the place that you moms do
and be strong....

I know easier said that done...

But let her spread her winds and just watch her learn how to fly...
She's just going to have to learn to do it, and as long as she's
out there trying she's going to make mistakes....
Hopefully she will learn from this stand up dust herself off and move
forward.....

((((Lobo))))

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Old 10-18-2007, 09:54 AM
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Done, You are right this is her stuff. I do have to be grateful that she was with a pretty good guy. The fact that he called me an offered me to come to his house anytime said something about his character.

I am going to work today and I am going to try to put it behind me. She did screw up and I know she has to go through the embarrassment of it. I hope it was just a screw up and she realizes it and moves forward. Well, she is in control and I am not.

Any advice on what I should or should not say to her when I see her?

Thanks Done.......You always have good advice and I know you have learned the hard way.
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Old 10-18-2007, 09:54 AM
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She had a "slip". We know that happens. Sounds like a nice young man? I just imagine she feels "horrible" this am, sick as well as feeling guilt. An empty stomach and booze plus meds-maybe she was just trying to be socialble and was nervous being with a new gentleman. Hopefully-it was a one night thing. Just one of those wait and see things-as hard as that is!!!!! Hang in there-don't beat yourself up and don't beat her up too bad. LOL
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Old 10-18-2007, 10:00 AM
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Hi Moms,
Haven't seen you here in a while. I'm hoping it was just a slip. I know she was nervous when she left. She was trying so hard to make a good impression. She was impressed with him and I know she is young and just wants to go out like other young people and have a good time. The thing she has to realize is that she can have a good time without drinking. Because she is an addict she doesn't have a choice. She has to figure this out.

I almost think it is best that I don't talk to her about this today.....I am too mad.
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Old 10-18-2007, 10:08 AM
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What I have come to realize is that some of the worst "stuff" my kid went through was EXACTLY what she needed to get to where she was going.

MY way, was to protect her and shield her and STOP those lessons! How thoughtless of me.

Today, I know that if the addiction (or alcoholism) is active, I cannot have my daughter in my home. But I don't put her out to punish her... just to save me.

Lots and lots of Alanon meetings help me keep the difference between HER stuff and MY stuff very clear. I wish you well.


(((Lobo)))
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Old 10-18-2007, 10:09 AM
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Originally Posted by Lobo View Post
Done, You are right this is her stuff. I do have to be grateful that she was with a pretty good guy. The fact that he called me an offered me to come to his house anytime said something about his character.

I am going to work today and I am going to try to put it behind me. She did screw up and I know she has to go through the embarrassment of it. I hope it was just a screw up and she realizes it and moves forward. Well, she is in control and I am not.

Any advice on what I should or should not say to her when I see her?

Thanks Done.......You always have good advice and I know you have learned the hard way.
If it was me I think I would rather have more of a friend than a mom, not a lot of sympathy per say, but not a guilt trip either. Because if she is anything like me, and it sounds like she is because she didn't want to come home cause she knew she messed up, she's already beating herself up. There is nothing you can say, or no way you can act that is going to make her feel any worse, or make her understand any more that what she did was wrong, cause she already knows that.
If you give her a guilt trip or are mad, she will justify to herself an attitude back, and that is easier for anyone to fall back into old patterns, and that ME mentality.

I would just draw my boundaries, ask her if she is okay? and leave that ball in her court, if she says no, say okay. And drop it.
And continue your life as you would as if it didn't happen.

She will probably be shocked, either want to talk, or figure out she needs to deal and get her stuff together...

The less you make your life about HER, the better that is going to be for her.

If this becomes a pattern or habit, then of course things would have to change, but right now, I would just be take it almost lightly, let her figure it out, if you move the focus to something between you and her, she gets to take the focus off of her.
Make her keep the focus on her and figure this out on her own, and what she needs to do next, the easiest thing for her to do would be to come home and fight with you, or "get to feel some kind of guilt trip" from you, cuz then she doesn't have to focus on what she did and why... Make her think about her.
If that makes any sense..
:ghug2
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Old 10-18-2007, 10:09 AM
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Lobo -

I, too, always get so much from done-with-it. Recovery does include learning from mistakes. I can also understand you not wanting to talk to her about it and I'm glad to see that you're thinking about what YOU need.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 10-18-2007, 10:12 AM
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QUOTE;Just when things were going so well with us everything fell apart overnight. I am not used to her drinking. Is she now substituting one drug for another?QUOTE

We all go through this at least once I think. But maybe just maybe she thought she could act "normal" with a normal guy.
Could also be a wake up call for her that she really can't drink.

don't worry, good luck
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Old 10-18-2007, 10:34 AM
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Why is it that the moment drugs or alcohol appear...the drama that ensues always seems to be directed at us.

Right or wrong, this is her lesson to learn. The part of this that is yours is to decide what you are willing to tolerate in your home and what you are not, then make your boundaries clear.

I'm sending hugs because I know that having a front row seat really stinks.

Hugs
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Old 10-18-2007, 10:39 AM
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I think she didn't think! She was out w/ a hot guy, wanting to impress and didn't think having a drink was a big deal, much less the meds, addicition, etc. She made a mistake yes, but this isn't the end of the road yet. If she does is again today, I'll say something different!!

Progress, not perfection!!!


susan
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Old 10-18-2007, 10:45 AM
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Thanks friends..........You are all so right that this is hers to figure out. I know she is going to feel like crap and be embarrassed. Like Big Sis says she will learn from it even if it is unpleasant.

Ann......I do have to put another boundry into place. I didn't think I had one about drinking but now I know different.

I am going to try not to lecture her like Done said. She knows what she did and she will feel guilty. I am going to let her come to me and see what happens. I hope I can refrain from attacking her with what I would like to say.

You all made me feel better.........I'm eating a sandwich. Thanks girls.
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Old 10-18-2007, 10:55 AM
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Susan, Rashue, Impurrect,
Thank you for your replys. I am starting to think about what role I play in this.
Maybe she will realize that she can't drink.....I hope this is a wake up call.

Susan....I know she was caught up in the evening and the whole date but I'm sure she had more than one drink. I think that is where the problem is.....If she could just have one and that's it. I think because of her being an addict she does everything in excess. If that is the case then she can't even have one.

You girls really have a way of putting things into perspective for me when I can't think straight.

Love you.......Lo
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Old 10-18-2007, 11:03 AM
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just sending hugs and prayers
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Old 10-18-2007, 11:18 AM
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Just tolet you know I am thinking of you, She will be OK, and so will you! glad to hear you are eating!!!
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Old 10-18-2007, 02:35 PM
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i know exactly how u feel.been there,done that? i am sorry for you & her. hugs & prayers
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Old 10-18-2007, 03:27 PM
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Lobo-

I am glad that your daughter is okay.
You are a mother and you reacted like one -- I also think that when our ALO is doing well and we feel proud of them - even if we try not to, we develop a drop of expectation or tie some hope to their recovery and when they do something contrary to that we may fly into codie mode and feel angry at their behavior and just disappointed. This is so hard for me - letting someone make their mistakes and own them without putting myself in the equation.
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Old 10-18-2007, 03:55 PM
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Yes Angel it is hard for me also to stay out of it. I just want to shake her. He seems like a really nice guy. I hope for her she didn't mess this up. I know she would kick herself if she did.....but I can't do anything about that now can I. Ohhh, I can't stand myself always trying to fix things when I know I can't. Even if I can I have to stop, stop, stop. Stop this dysfunctional way of thinking. I was doing pretty well, so I thought. This is her slip...not mine. Keep telling myself this is hers to own..... this is hers to own..... this is hers to own.

My biggest fear is that she will take up a drinking habit now. Fear, fear , fear. I am so tired of the fear.

Thanks for letting me vent Heather.
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Old 10-18-2007, 04:16 PM
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Well girls, I got home from work and she was home. She acted like nothing was wrong. She was cheerful and looked fine. I know my manner showed because somethings you just can't hide. She asked me what was wrong. I wanted to slam her with what was wrong, but I didn't. I know I shouldn't have said anything but I did say.......alcohol, medication, empty stomach doesn't mix. She didn't say anything to that and that was the end of conversation.

She said she really liked him. Turns out he is a musician. Plays a couple of instruments and he sings in a band. She played some of his music for me. It was really pretty music. She said his house was really nice. Nice art work on the walls.
She said he has a good relationship with his family. On the other side he tends bar at one of the most popular mexican places around town. Okay for him, not good for her.
At one point she got teary eyed about her being drunk last night. I didn't talk about it because she didn't want to. I am not going to push. She did say you are making me think he won't like me now. Funny thing was I didn't say anything....that was her own feeling. She still trys to blame me for the things that go wrong in her life and I wasn't even there.

Well, I'll keep you posted of how this goes. Thanks buddies for being here for me. I can always count on all of you when things go wrong. You help to keep me sane.

Love.........Lois
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