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Old 10-18-2007, 05:01 PM
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Sounds like she is thinking and her conscience may be bothering her a tad. Gentleman sounds okay. My daughters father was a bartender on weekends for extra money when I met him. Others might not agree but with the gentleman being a part time bartender-he more than likely will not want her to drink!!!! I know mine didn't and I did not. He was ungodly protective. I found with my 3 girls-the evil eye did more than a lecture or a good oldfashioned scream match. One slip is not the end of the world. Give her a chance-she is still trying to find herself I think.

Hugs!!!!! Hang in there.
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Old 10-18-2007, 05:41 PM
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Lobo,

So sorry you're going through this. I hope that it's just a small slip and she will learn from it and move on.

I hear that YOU hope that for her sake he'll pretend nothing happened and keep dating her.....but I know that if I had a similar experience on a date, it would be the last date. What a thoughtful young man, to phone you like that. It's no fun to deal with people who can't control the chemicals they put into them. (of course, he is a bartender, so maybe that doesn't matter to him)

Hoping that she will be able to absorb the lesson here, and not make it again.

Hugs,
GL
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Old 10-18-2007, 06:18 PM
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Lobo -

Just a thought about your daughter blaming you for her thinking....a lot of addicts blame others for a lot of stuff they had nothing to do with. It is a behavior and thought process that takes a while to relearn.

I'm praying this was just a bump in her recovery and she gets back on track.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 10-18-2007, 06:40 PM
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Glad she is home and OK. Her statement about him not like her, that's her conscience! She knows how important first impressions can be! But, who knows! Life throws some funny pitches some times...look at us and we're still kicking!!
love,
susan
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Old 10-18-2007, 06:43 PM
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Everytime my ras got out of rehab or tried to stop on his own, he thought he could drink. He said drinking doesn't do it for him. But after he starts to drink that, I think is when the inhibitions go down the toilet. Now that he's on the suboxone he knows he can't drink, cause they don't mix. But that doesn't mean he won't try it. Right now though, in order to have a roof over his head, he go out with his friends anymore and can only go on a date to a movie or mall. He's 22, but he has to abide by the rules. Well, so far so good, but it doesn't mean it will last. I still think that he doesn't get it that he can't drink. We'll see. I really know what your going thru.
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Old 10-18-2007, 09:45 PM
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Hi Louise,
I know what you mean. She is not supposed to drink with suboxone either. It didn't stop her though. It scares the hell out of me. I'm afraid she'll end up like Anna Nichole Smith. A combination of drugs that she is prescribed and then drinking on top of that. I hope this doesn't repeat itself. I'm not saying too much this time. I'm going to hope and pray that this was just a one time incident. She has been doing so well too.
Keep watching your son.....I know you are not supposed to drink while taking suboxone.

Thanks for your reply...........Lo
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Old 10-19-2007, 04:28 AM
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Dear Lo, I read about your daughter yesterday & posted to you but I guess I forgot to hit reply cuz I don't see it here.
I am really sorry this happened. I will keep you & your daughter in my thoughts & prayers.

Love,
Diane
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Old 10-19-2007, 05:11 AM
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(((Lobo))) Sending hugs. You handled things well.
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Old 10-20-2007, 09:10 AM
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Lobo, I hope you can back up, circle around and come back to step 1...we admitted we were powerlesss....I make that circle often; fortunately time and program help me realize it much faster than I used to....

Your posts sound filled with projection...what if's and whys. Remember the hoola hoop? If it is inside the hoolahoop, it is yours...if it is outside, it isn't. All this stuff sounds outside your hoola hoop. It is hard and scary to love our kids in a way that lets them take care of their own hoola hoops.

One thing I had to work on when I learned to shut my mouth, was to get rid of "the look" too...The look implied I am not going to say anything but I sure feel you acted stupid or irresponsible and if you just listened to me.... It helped me to think, is that what i would do if something like this happened to my best friend? Nope...I'd listen if she wanted to talk and be supportive and non judgemental...Why is it any different just because it is my child? I love her beyond words but that doesn't mean I have a right to judge her. Judging her doesn't protect her from slipping or relapsing. I can establish boundaries for me, not boundaries to control her recovery.

Sorry, this is garbled, but I had so many thoughts as I read your post...been there, done that...Hugs and prayers for both of you.
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Old 10-20-2007, 09:27 AM
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Greet,
Everything you say makes so much sense to me. You have shed the light that I needed. The hul hoop ananlogy makes perfect sense. The part about what I would say to a friend. Don-with-it told me that she would have wanted her mom to be a friend and handle it that way instead of being a mom. I think you are both right.

She is going to a Halloween party tonight and I am nervous already. I know there will be drinking there. She already told me she doesn't want to drink at all because she doesn't know these people very well and she has to keep her guard up. I hope she does just that.

Thanks Greet............Lo
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Old 10-20-2007, 11:04 AM
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Originally Posted by Lobo View Post
Greet,
Everything you say makes so much sense to me. You have shed the light that I needed. The hul hoop ananlogy makes perfect sense. The part about what I would say to a friend. Don-with-it told me that she would have wanted her mom to be a friend and handle it that way instead of being a mom. I think you are both right.

She is going to a Halloween party tonight and I am nervous already. I know there will be drinking there. She already told me she doesn't want to drink at all because she doesn't know these people very well and she has to keep her guard up. I hope she does just that.

Thanks Greet............Lo
lol, wow you poor moms, first your told NOT to be your kids friend, but then your told TO BE our friends, lol, must be sooo confusing..
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Old 10-20-2007, 11:10 AM
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Originally Posted by greeteachday View Post
Lobo, I hope you can back up, circle around and come back to step 1...we admitted we were powerlesss....I make that circle often; fortunately time and program help me realize it much faster than I used to....

Your posts sound filled with projection...what if's and whys. Remember the hoola hoop? If it is inside the hoolahoop, it is yours...if it is outside, it isn't. All this stuff sounds outside your hoola hoop. It is hard and scary to love our kids in a way that lets them take care of their own hoola hoops.

One thing I had to work on when I learned to shut my mouth, was to get rid of "the look" too...The look implied I am not going to say anything but I sure feel you acted stupid or irresponsible and if you just listened to me.... It helped me to think, is that what i would do if something like this happened to my best friend? Nope...I'd listen if she wanted to talk and be supportive and non judgemental...Why is it any different just because it is my child? I love her beyond words but that doesn't mean I have a right to judge her. Judging her doesn't protect her from slipping or relapsing. I can establish boundaries for me, not boundaries to control her recovery.

Sorry, this is garbled, but I had so many thoughts as I read your post...been there, done that...Hugs and prayers for both of you.
This makes a lot of sense. I have to say my Mom has learned to be like this with me. I don't know how either, maybe cause of my eating disorder partially because she used to be so overbearing sometimes, or not overbearing, but that "Love" made me feel if I wasn't "PERFECT" omg.... Her mom was also like that with her.

USUALLY my mom lets me make my own decisions, and mistakes now, and just waits and helps me get out of them when I make them, and she is shockingly very patient with me.
During the end of my meth days was the only time she was "losing it" with me (but she also didn't know what my deal was)...
But I do tend to get out of them much faster now, it's not a trickle effect, lol, sometimes she pisses me off though, cuz I am thinking, come on mom tell me what to do here.. As she patiently stands back and just watches me and listens to what I'm doing, I'm like, WHO ARE YOU, OPRAH?2


:ghug3
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Old 10-20-2007, 01:31 PM
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I know........should I be a friend? Should I be a mom?:wtf2
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Old 10-20-2007, 01:41 PM
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As usual, I totally understand Done-with-it and am again realizing what a difficult place we RA's put you in.

I think as long as I live, Iwill always look to certain people for advice - my dad, aunt, mom's best friend, etc. Now I'm acutely aware of the position loved ones of RA's are in - constantly having to keep in mind the "detaching with love", boundaries, and hula hoop thoughts (I liked the hula hoop idea, Greet). I must seem like learning to be a parent all over again.

So, once again, my hats are off to you moms. I'm sorry you all got dragged into the world of addiction, but I think you all are doing awesome jobs at this parenting thing!

Hugs and prayers!!

Amy
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Old 10-20-2007, 02:01 PM
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Originally Posted by Lobo View Post
I know........should I be a friend? Should I be a mom?:wtf2
Maybe the best way to look @ your daughter is somewhere around,

“Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend.”
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Old 10-21-2007, 10:18 AM
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Done, I love that......it speaks volumes. Thank you

She went to the Halloween party and she came home early and didn't drink a thing.
When she got home she asked me if I wanted to go and listen to the new guy that she went out with the night things fell apart. His band was playing and she wanted to see him play. (electric guitar). I really didn't want to go but I thought about what you said about being a friend. It was late that's why I didn't want to go. Anyway, we did go and it turned out to be really nice. I loved the music and watching him play. When it was over his mom came over to introduce him to a girl that she brought with her and that put my daughter in an uncomfortable place.

I get the feeling he was torn between talking to my daughter and this girl his mom brought. Well, I think I was being a friend to my daughter I told her I would just go over to him and say I really enjoyed your band, it was fun, I'll talk to you later.
I told her I would not show a bad attitude. Well, she took my advice and we walked away. He looked a bit disappointed but he knew that she wasn't going to stand around and wait for him to quit talking to this girl. We were in the car about 5 min. when he called her. He said he was sorry for making a bad impression and he wanted to talk to her. She told him she was sorry that she made a bad impression on him the other night when she got drunk. He said he wanted to see her again and was hoping they could get together today. She said sorry she had to work.
I'm not sure if this will go anywhere or not, but I am learning to stay out of it uless
she ask for my advice.

I did observe one thing about him......I think he drinks way too much. She said she thought so too.

I wish she would get on here and talk to you Done....you always have good advice.

Thank you, sweetie
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Old 10-21-2007, 10:49 AM
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Lobo -

I think you did a great job in handling this situation!!! And I think the fact that your daughter is paying attention to how much he drinks is impressive! I think she has a good role-model (YOU). When I started realizing what I put my family through with my addiction, it made me look a lot closer at the people I associated with 'cause I don't want to go through that.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 10-21-2007, 06:45 PM
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Impurrfect,
You and Done are just too cute trying to keep this mom in check. I have always been there for my daughter. I have always been a good role model to her. She knows that I have a lot of self respect. I think she is starting to get it now. She does make mistakes but she always gets back on the horse. She told me yesterday that she is a survivor and she will make it.

I'm so proud of you and Done. You girls have come a long way and have learned a lot. I hope my daughter can follow you.

Thank you honey for helping to see things in a different light.

Hugs........Lo
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Old 10-21-2007, 07:59 PM
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Lobo, I am glad that your daughter is getting right back on the recovery horse. I know that I learn by failing and making mistakes and our addicts are no different. Standing back and letting her find out for herself how far she can go was really a hard thing for you to do, but you passed the test. Good for you. Hugs, Marle
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